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This is the episode transcript for Wise Guys.

Transcript[]

(The episode opens with Jason reading "The Time Machine" by H.G. Wells while Michelle makes a birthday card.)

Michelle: I'm making my friend Molly a birthday card. But I can't decide what to draw.

Jason: Shh, I'm reading The Time Machine. I'm at the part when the time traveler meets the Morlocks. Nasty, hairy guys. Kind of like you.

Michelle: So funny, I forgot to laugh.

Jason: They live underground, in the dark. (Michelle turns off lamp) Hey, cut it out!

Michelle: You said I was like a Morlock. I want it dark.

Jason: So funny I forgot to laugh.

(Grandmum leaves the kitchen holding a pot.)

Grandmum: What are my two lambchops doing?

Michelle: I'm making a card for Molly's birthday, but I can't decide what to draw, a horse or a ballerina.

Grandmum: Oh, they both sound nice. (hands Michelle a board) Better put this pad under your paper, pumpkin. That table's got dents.

Michelle: No, it's fine, Grandmum.

(Michelle presses the pencil on the table so hard, she tears a hole in it.)

Michelle: Guess you were right.

(Grandmum gives her the pad with a fresh piece of paper.)

Grandmum: Hmm, did you put a brighter bulb in there, Jason?

Jason: Better light.

Grandmum: This old lamp wasn't wired for these modern bulbs. It's a bit dangerous. Put in a dimmer one, dear.

Jason: I know what I'm doing, Grandmum.

Grandmum: Oh, I know a thing or two myself, gov'ner. You'd be wise to lend an ear to my advice if you want to learn to do things the right way.

Jason: Here it comes.

Grandmum: The Good Book says, "Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise."

Michelle: You? Wise? Not likely.

Grandmum: Just remember, I do speak from experience, dumplings. Now, go wash up, we're having liver soufflé for dinner.

Jason: Ugh. Wish I had a time machine for real. I'd skip ahead to breakfast.

(He puts his book on the table, shaking the ship off. Once again, the ship roars to life and Fidgel galeezels Jason.)

Jason: Woah! Incoming child!

(The ship approaches Michelle.)

Michelle: I guess Molly's drawing will have to wait!

(The ship leaves the house through the chimney. After the opening theme, cut to the ship heading for the Comet Lounge.)

Zidgel: Comet Lounge, here we come. Nothing like a nice refreshing fruit drink after a tough mission.

Midgel: We haven't been on a mission yet.

Zidgel: Picky, picky, picky.

(Jason enters the main room carrying a small box.)

Jason: Look what I found in the storage bay!

Midgel: What is it, Jason?

Jason: A time machine.

Fidgel: Why, that was mine when I was little. I sent away for it. Saved hundreds of cereal box tops.

Michelle: That must have taken forever.

Fidgel: Not really, Kevin helped.

(We see Kevin snacking on a stack of cereal boxes and gulping down milk before hiccupping. Jason shakes the box he found.)

Jason: It's all in pieces.

Fidgel: Oh, yes. I took it apart. I needed to make something way cool for my bicycle.

Jason: What's cooler than a time machine?

Fidgel: Attaching a card to the spokes. You know, they make that flap flap flap sound when you ride.

Jason: Oh, yeah. That's way better than some old time machine. Can I put it back together?

Fidgel: Certainly. Will you need any advice? It's been a while, but I remember--

Jason: No, thanks. I got it covered. I need a wrench, not advice.

(Segue to Jason nearly completing the time machine.)

Midgel: How goes it, Jason?

Jason: Just needs a tighten up this and done! She's ready for a test drive!

(Jason takes off his watch and puts it in the machine, pushes some buttons, pulls a lever... and nothing happens. He kicks it and still nothing happens.)

Jason: Huh?

(Michelle hands him the directions.)

Michelle: Here, you never look at the directions.

Jason: Batteries not included. Noooooo!!!

(The ship heads for the Comet Lounge as President No-I'm-The-President floats by. Segue to the lounge as Jason rushes in. Sitting at the counter is a blue alien in a Federation uniform and with an eyepatch.)

Jason: Sol, I need all the double A batteries you've got! This is an emergency!

Sol: What's the rush, Jason? Stick around. Have a chat with the Federation vet here. You might pick up a thing or two.

Jason: Sorry, no time. I need those batteries!

Zidgel: You're missing a great opportunity. Soldiers like him started the Federation, Jason.

Sol: Yes, we have a lot to learn from wise old vets like him.

Jason: Can't right now. Maybe another time. Now, can I please have my batteries!

(Sol hands him the batteries as Admiral Strap calls up. Kevin keeps the elderly alien from falling as he salutes.)

Commander Strap: Attention, Federation soldiers! I have a heavy duty mission for ya! Seems the occupants of Planet Obstantinople are havin' a dispute about what wattage bulbs to use.

Zidgel: I thought you said this was heavy duty. Seems rather light to me. Heh, heh, get it? Light. You know, as in light bulbs? Heh, heh. Get it? Heh, yeah.

Commander Strap: (clears throat) As I was saying, seems the young folks are disagreeing with the older, more experienced leaders. I want you flyboys to get over there and straighten this out. Can't have people using the wrong bulbs.

Zidgel: Aye aye, Commander, we're on it.

(The crew leaves the lounge, but Kevin still has the soldier in his hands.)

Sol: Kevin, leave the soldier.

(Kevin puts him back in his seat. Segue to the old soldier and the Rockhopper flying past a line of space traffic cones, even though there's no need to stay inside them. The Rockhopper tries to get past the old man, even though it could easily fly over him.)

Midgel: Might as well relax, ladies and gentlemen, we're not getting out of here anytime soon.

(Meanwhile, Jason puts the batteries in the machine.)

Jason: Okay, that's one, one way, one, the other way, one, one way--

Midgel: A word to the wise there, Jason. Time machines can be tricky.

Fidgel: Oh, I quite agree. The space-time continuum is nothing to be trifled with.

Midgel: After what I did with my time machine, let's just say, it still hurts to sit down.

Fidgel: Because of me, my entire sixth grade class had to repeat grade school all over again. You understand what we're saying, Jason?

Jason: Huh? Yeah, time very delicate, got it.

(Jason puts his watch back in the machine. This time, when he turns it on, it actually works.)

Jason: It worked! (Notices the watch is one second ahead.) One second? Hold on, I can only throw things one second into the future? What a ripoff!

(The old man moves out of the Rockhopper's way.)

Midgel: Guy needs a muffler and a tune-up. Prepare for take off! Bonsai!

Fidgel: I could give him some advice, but only he'd listen. When I was young, I took the limiter off that time machine to soup it up a bit.

Zidgel: When I was young, I wanted to either be a space captain or a ballerina. What about you, Midgel?

(Segue to Jason giving the machine an upgrade.)

Jason: That oughtta do it.

(Fidgel gets a message.)

Anonymous sender: Attention, Rockhopper. This is...from...ture. Stop...round with time. You must...ten to us and s...Jason or you will...certain doom! And...Zidgel...weets. Have a nice day.

Zidgel: What was that?

Fidgel: Oh, I'm afraid I can't find the source of the message.

Zidgel: Then play it again.

Fidgel: I can't. It's gone.

Zidgel: Anyone remember anything it said?

Kevin: Have a nice day!

Midgel: Sounded like some serious advice.

Zidgel: Exactly. A warning! A dire warning! But of what? And from whom? Or is it who? Well, I'm out. Lunch anybody? I'm famished.

(Jason turns on the machine again. This time, it messes with the power on the ship. Kevin turns on a flashlight and makes ghost noises while holding it under his face.)

Jason: Heh, heh, my bad.

(The ship's alarm beeps loudly.)

Michelle: What's happening?

(The ship spirals out of control.)

Jason and Michelle: Ahhhhhhh!!

Midgel: Captain, we're in a death dive!

Zidgel: Fidgel, do something...smart! This kind of thing's your department!

Fidgel: The controls aren't responding! Time of impact, thirty seconds!

Rockhopper crew: (screaming)

(The ship falls toward a sandy planet. After a brief moment, we now go back to to the ship as it keeps falling.)

Fidgel: Time of impact, five seconds!

(Midgel struggles with the controls, but it's no good.)

Midgel: Come on! Come on!

(The ship lands roughly on the surface. As it does, parts break off. When the dust clears, the ship has pretty much been destroyed, leaving the frames exposed.)

Zidgel: (sighs) Not bad, Midgel, not bad at all. I'll check to see if the atmosphere's safe.

Zidgel: (takes deep breath) Ah, fresh air! Not to worry, everybody, it's perfectly safe.

(Midgel, Fidgel, Kevin and Michelle glare at Jason.)

Jason: No, that was not my fault. It was the lousy time machine. And it didn't even work.

Michelle: Or maybe you didn't listen to any advice!

(They hear laughing from nearby. They turn to see two old penguins in rocking chairs. It turns out these two are Fidgel and Midgel in the future.)

Future Midgel: Looks like they didn't get the transmission.

Future Fidgel: And I daresay Jason ignored our warnings about the time machine.

(Zidgel walks up to the elderly penguins, apparently not recognizing them.)

Zidgel: (talking loudly) Hello! We come in peace! From a planet far far away! Our spaceship has been damaged! Do you have a communication device?

Future Midgel: We're old, not deaf.

Zidgel: Oh, sorry. Then, hello, we come in peace. From a planet far far away--

Future Fidgel: We understood you the first time. It's going to take some time to rebuild that ship.

Zidgel: No, no, we're experts. We just need to contact the Federation, tell them we're going to be a little late.

Future Fidgel: I'd daresay so. About seven decades late.

Future Midgel and Future Fidgel: (laugh and wheeze)

Zidgel: That was useless. Those two old guys are off their rockers. Well, technically speaking, they're on their rockers, but they're still off. Is anybody listening to me?

Midgel: Well, I suppose there's nothing to do but roll up my sleeves and get to work.

Zidgel: Okay. Rolling sleeves. Uh, this may take a while.

(Segue to Fidgel and Midgel carrying a heavy piece of metal and putting it on a pile of sheet metal.)

Midgel: I think that's everything.

Fidgel: I certainly hope so.

Future Midgel: Looks like you flyboys have a little work ahead of you.

Future Fidgel: We've been around the galaxy a time or two, we might be of some assistance.

Midgel: Right, assist us in making it worse.

Fidgel: (giggles, then clears throat) Thank you, gentlemen, but we're doing just fine on our own.

(The scrap pile collapses.)

Future Fidgel: I would suggest listening to your elders, Fidgel. We do have experience, after all.

Fidgel: I'm sorry, but, how, how do you know my name?

Future Midgel: We know all your names. You're Fidgel, Midgel, Zidgel, Jason, Michelle, and Kevin.

Zidgel: Excuse me, but, uh, do we know you?

Future Midgel: Of course you do, Captain. We're you.

Zidgel: How can you be me? I'm me.

Future Fidgel: What Midgel means, Captain, is that we are the future versions of you.

(cricket sounds)

Future Midgel: Hasn't changed a bit. I'm a lot shorter than I remember, and you're skinnier.

Future Fidgel: I prefer the word lanky.

Zidgel: Would somebody please explain to me what's happening here?

Fidgel: Captain, Jason's time machine has evidently thrown us into the future. These are our future selves.

Zidgel: (laughs) No, really, what's going on?

(Future Zidgel, who's wearing a blue suit, exits the house.)

Future Zidgel: Say, who is this handsome specimen?

Zidgel: Handsome spaceman? Me? Go on.

Zidgel and Future Zidgel: Seriously, who is this?

Future Midgel: He's you, from the past.

Zidgel and Future Zidgel: That's impossible!

(Future Zidgel's hair is blown off by the wind.)

Future Zidgel: Woah!

(Zidgel is shocked to see that his future self is bald, has grown a gut and has dentures. He hands the belt back to his future self.)

Jason: Alright, this is fantastic!

Midgel: Exactly how is this fantastic, Jason?

Jason: Your time machine worked! We're in the future! This is the coolest thing ever!

Fidgel: Not to dampen your enthusiasm, young man, but our situation is, in fact, quite dire.

Jason: What do you mean?

Midgel: Our ship's destroyed, who knows how much the time machine's been damaged. Jason, face the facts.

Future Midgel: The odds are you and your sister are stuck here with us, forever.

Jason: No!!!!

(Segue to Midgel as he continues to try fixing the ship. As he does so, Zidgel mopes about what he just saw.)

Midgel: Uh, Captain?

Zidgel: I'm fat. And bald. And my teeth are gone. Midgel, I got old.

Midgel: We all get old, Captain.

Zidgel: Not me. I've got to get back, Midgel. Back to our own time. I can't stay here any longer!

(Future Zidgel approaches the two penguins. Zidgel flees, still frightened by how he'll look in the future.)

Future Zidgel: Say, I don't know if you boys have noticed, but your ship's got some holes in it. That's gonna make it difficult to fly.

Midgel: Oh, I hadn't noticed that.

Future Zidgel: I don't want to get too technical here, but, uh, there's no air in space. You fly in this and you'll have to hold your breath for a really long time.

Midgel: Got it, thanks.

(Fidgel is about to place a gear in the wrong place.)

Future Fidgel: I wouldn't do that.

Fidgel: I'm sorry?

Future Fidgel: That part goes in last. If you put in in now, you'll just have to take the whole ship apart again later.

Fidgel: Thank you for your assistance. I'll take it from here. The old bird can't see more than two feet in front of him. What could he possibly know?

Midgel and Fidgel: (laugh)

Michelle: Help! Someone help!

Midgel: What is it, Michelle?

Michelle: Kevin's getting, younger!

(Kevin, who is somehow affected by age regression, walks down the ramp and takes Future Zidgel's toupee.)

Future Zidgel: Hey, that's not funny!

Fidgel: (gasps) Oh, no!

Michelle: What's happening to him?

Fidgel: Oh, I'm afraid the time machine has affected Kevin directly. If he keeps reverting at this rate, soon, he'll be nothing more than, an egg.

(As everyone tries fixing the ship, Young Kevin continues fooling around by chewing on a glove before handing it back to Midgel.)

Midgel: Ew...

(Fidgel tries fixing the engine block.)

Future Midgel: Listen to me. You're wasting your time with that.

Fidgel: Ugh, but it must fit. This part, should be connected to the fuel manifold.

Future Fidgel: Which is inside. So you'll have to take the ship apart again.

Midgel: He's joking, right?

Fidgel: Oh, I should have listened to him in the first place. Our old selves seem to know more than our young selves.

Future Midgel: Funny thing how that works.

Midgel: We don't have time for this. Kevin's going to be an egg before you know it.

Fidgel: I'm well aware of that. Jason, how's the time machine coming?

Jason: It wasn't damaged too badly. I just don't know if we can go back the exact number of years we came forward.

Midgel: Well, here's my suggestion. Follow the instructions you got there, mate.

Jason: I'm trying.

Midgel: I got the communications back up at least. (Zidgel comes out from under a lightbulb.) Captain.

Zidgel: (with a Groucho mask on) Is he gone? I mean, am I gone. The future me, I mean. He won't leave me alone. And he's kind of strange if you ask me.

Midgel: If you want to contact anyone, the communication screen is back up.

Zidgel: Thank you.

(Zidgel turns on the communicator.)

Jason: Now, where did I put those batteries?

(Jason sees Young Kevin stacking the batteries like the Eiffel Tower.)

Jason: Kevin, I need those!

Young Kevin: Uh-uh, mine!

Jason: Give them here!

(As Jason and Young Kevin fight over the batteries, a pink, elderly alien appears on the big screen.)

Pink alien: Yes?

Zidgel: Hello, Planet Obstantinople? This is Captain Zidgel, from the Federation. (removes the glasses) We were coming to visit you, but we're a tad late, I figure by about, uh, seventy-five years.

Pink alien: And what is the nature of your call?

Zidgel: We were told you had some problems deciding what wattage bulbs to use.

Pink alien: Oh, yes, I remember that time. We don't use bulbs anymore. Old fashioned antique things. But seven decades ago, we had issues galore. Everyone argued about it.

Zidgel: Right. That's why we're here. To settle the issue.

Pink alien: No need now. We realized older folks gave good advice. We did what they said, worked out great.

Zidgel: Oh, all right, then. Don't need us. Fine. We traveled a few light years to get here, but hey, no biggie. Over and out.

(He turns off the communicator.)

Zidgel: Nope, don't need us. Just your older folks, and their voice of experience.

(Michelle enters the ship.)

Jason: Grandmum was right, Michelle. We should listen to advice from more experienced people.

Michelle: I remember. Listen to advice and accept instruction, and in the end you will be wise.

Jason: I was trying to do everything myself and didn't listen to the advice of people who knew more than me. But I will next time.

Michelle: There's a bigger problem, Jason. You didn't change that bulb and Grandmum's busy in the kitchen.

Jason: Oh, no! We have to get back before the lampshade catches on fire!

Zidgel: Don't worry about it, cadet. That was seventy-five years ago. Light bulb's burned out by now, even one of those fancy, swirly, long lasting ones.

Jason: Guys, we have to get off this planet, now!

Zidgel: Something about leaving the lights on. Their electric bill's gonna be through the roof.

Fidgel: We're trying everything we can, Jason.

Jason: We haven't tried listening to the voices of experience.

(Segue to the ship finally being fully repaired. Now, Future Midgel gives his younger self advice.)

Future Midgel: If you back off the tension in the thrusters, you'll get a smoother ride.

(Present Midgel does just as his future self said.)

Midgel: Hey, you're right. Thanks, future me.

Future Fidgel: And I believe you'll find your shields will operate much better when calibrated to this.

Fidgel: I do believe I know what I'm talking about. Uh, what you're talking about, I mean.

(Kevin has turned back into an egg.)

Future Zidgel: You've, uh, got an egg here.

Zidgel: He's, uh, a member of our crew.

Future Zidgel: In my day, you had to graduate from the Academy before they considered you flightworthy.

Zidgel: (sighs) Are we almost done?

Midgel: Everything but the power crystals.

Zidgel: Are they important?

Fidgel: If they're not working properly, we can't take off.

Future Zidgel: So...again, is that important?

Jason: Maybe you're setting them to calibrations that are seventy-five years old. We're in the future now.

Midgel: Thanks, Jason, but I think the grown-ups have got this.

Future Midgel: Hold on, the kid may be right. I say give it a shot.

(Midgel presses a few buttons and the ship powers up.)

Future Fidgel: Good job, young man. There's a future in science for you yet.

Future Zidgel: Not to press a point, but the whole crystal thing. Life and death important?

(Segue to the Rockhopper crew, present and future, saying goodbye to each other.)

Midgel: Thanks for everything.

Fidgel: We couldn't have done it without you.

Future Zidgel, Future Midgel, and Future Fidgel: We know! Bye!

Future Midgel: Got to say, I miss those days.

Future Fidgel: I concur, my friend. How about you, Zidgel? Do you miss those days?

Future Zidgel: No. Mainly, I miss my hair. (sighs)

Midgel: Well, here goes nothing.

(The ship roars to life and takes off into space. The whole crew starts cheering. Then everyone turns to Jason, ready for him to turn on the time machine.)

Jason: (gulps) Like you said, here goes nothing.

(With the pull of a lever, the machine beeps and lights flash. At first, Kevin is still in his egg, still holding a flashlight. Suddenly, with a flash, he's back to normal.)

Jason and Michelle: Kevin!

Zidgel, Midgel, Fidgel, and Kevin: (cheer)

Midgel: You did it, Jason! You brought us back!

Jason: But is it the right time? We still might be off by a few years.

(Communicator turns on.)

Future Midgel: Attention, Rockhopper. This is a message from your future. Stop messing around with time. You must listen to us and stop Jason or you will face certain doom. And Captain Zidgel, lay off the sweets. Have a nice day.

(Communicator turns off.)

Fidgel: I believe you got us back right on the dock, Jason. Good job!

Jason: Now, please get us home, before that lamp overheats.

Zidgel: Next stop, Grandmum's corner of the universe.

(Segue back to Grandmum's house as Jason and Michelle head downstairs.)

Jason: I hope we're not too late.

Michelle: I don't smell any smoke.

(Jason sees that the light is dimmer than when he saw it last.)

Jason: Hey, it's a dim bulb.

Grandmum: Of course it is, dear. I changed it, but you should have.

Jason: I'm really sorry, Grandmum. I should listen to people who have more experience, especially when they give advice or instruction. I learned that lesson today.

Grandmum: Good boy, and for that, you deserve a reward. My liver soufflé

Jason: Ugh.

(Cut to later that night as Jason and Michelle pray before bed.)

Michelle: Thank you for everything, except maybe the liver soufflé.

Jason: But like Grandmum said, I deserved it.

Jason and Michelle: (laughs) Amen.

(End of transcript.)

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