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TheWonderfulWizardofHa'sTitleCard

This is an episode transcript for The Wonderful Wizard of Ha's.

Transcript[]

Opening Countertop[]

(After the theme song, we open up with Bob and Larry on the countertop. Larry appears to be upset.)

Bob; Hi, kids. And welcome to VeggieTales. I'm Bob the Tomato.

Larry: (saddened) And I'm Larry the Cucumber.

Bob: And we're here to...(stops and notices how upset Larry is) Is something wrong, Larry?

Larry: I'm fine, Bob.

Bob: You don't look fine. (notices Larry is holding something behind him) What's that behind your back?

Larry: Nothing.

Bob: No, there's something behind your back, Larry. What's going on here?

Larry: Oh, Bob, I'm in big trouble! See this?

(Larry reveals a toy wooden aardvark with red wheels.)

Bob: It's a... uhhh...

Larry: Aardvark. It's an aardvark, Bob. You know my dad?

Bob: The astronaut?

Larry: Yeah, the astronaut. He loves aardvarks, Bob. Just loves 'em. (pause) Have you ever been to Shipshewana?

Bob: Uh...in Indiana? The Amish community?

Larry: That's the one. It's full of craft shows. They're crazy about 'em.

Bob: What's that have to do with the aardvark?

Larry: My dad went to Shipshewana, Bob, and he bought this aardvark kit. Spent three weeks putting it together. He loves this aardvark. You pull his tail and his tongue shoots out and picks stuff up. 'Cause of Velcro, that's why.

Bob: And... the problem?

Larry: I broke it, Bob. I wanted to see how many times he could shoot his tongue out in a minute. I was up to forty-eight, when this happened!

(The tongue shoots out and doesn't retract.)

Bob: Oh, dear. What did your dad say?

Larry: He doesn't know. And I can't tell him. He loves this aardvark, Bob, and I'm afraid he won't love me anymore! I can't go back home! I just can't go back home!

Bob: Whew. Wow. You know, that reminds me of a letter we just got.

Larry: How did I know you were gonna say that?

Bob: It is our twenty-seventh show. Let's see, it was from Felix Rosenwinkel, of Grinnell, Iowa. Now Felix says he knows God doesn't want us to steal, but he's been stealing stuff anyway. He feels real bad about it now, but he doesn't think he can ever go back to church. He doesn't think God likes him anymore.

Larry: Oh, Felix. That's even worse than breaking your dad's aardvark! What's he gonna do, Bob? What's he gonna do?

Bob: He's gonna listen to the story of the Prodigal Son.

Larry: Oh, I've heard of that. But that's real short. We've got a whole DVD to fill.

Bob: It isn't short if you tell it like this. Felix, it's time to pay a visit to the Wizard of Ha's

Larry: Ooooh. Can he fix my aardvark?

Bob: Uhh, roll the film.

The Wonderful Wizard of Ha's Act I[]

(The story begins in a dental floss farm in Kansas. As we pan across the farm, we see the farmhands (played by Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt and Larry) taking care of the crops. We then see a little boy named Darby (played by Junior Asparagus) running excitedly towards the farm, with his pet pig, Tutu following way behind. For some reason, Darby, along with everyone else, calls Tutu a dog.)

Darby: Dad! Dad! Hey, dad! Hurry up, Tutu! Come on, boy! Tarnation, Tutu. You must be the slowest dog in Kansas. Dad, Dad! (To farmhand #1 who's watering the floss) Hey, have you seen my dad?

Farmhand #1: Not now, Darby. Ms. Poopsie is thirsty.

Darby: But I...

Farmhand #1: Here, Ms. Poopsie, drink up. Don't get jealous, Francine. You're next.

Darby: (to Farmhand #2) How's the floss?

Farmhand #2: It's almost ripe.

Darby: Great!

(He enters the farm, and walks up to the third farmhand, who's busy fixing a tractor.)

Darby: Hey! Have you seen my dad? I wanna show him...

Farmhand #3: Not now, Darby. I gotta get Old Bessie ready to bring in the floss. We're gonna have a bumper crop if we can bring it in on time.

(Darby's father (played by Mike Asparagus) enters the scene.)

Farmer O'Gill: ...and don't forget to check on that....

Darby: Dad! Dad!

Farmer O'Gill: Oh, Darby. What is it?

Darby: Look at this, Dad!

(Darby shows his dad a poster of an amusement park.)

Farmer O' Gill: The Land of...Ha's?

Darby: Yeah! It's an amusement park that Bobby Bernard went to when he visited his cousins last week! Bobby said that they had this roller coaster that goes upside down, and even one of those bouncy castles where you jump around and you knock your heads together till you pass out!

Farmer O' Gill: Wow, that sounds like quite a place. But it's very far away. And I'm afraid we just don't have the money this year to...

Darby: No, I got it all figured out, dad! We've got the piggy bank, right? You said the money you're putting in it is for me.

Farmer O' Gill: Now, son, that's for your college, for your future. I don't want you throwing it away on...

Darby: (disappointed) But it's not fair. You said it was my money.

(During their conversation, Farmhands 1 and 2 start picking one piece of floss)

Farmhand #1: Hey, come give me a hand.

(Farmhand #2 picks up the floss with a pitchfork, Farmhand #1 grabs one end, sticks a pebble in a wooden model of a mouth, and they both pull their ends of the floss, trying to get it out. In almost no time, the pebble is dislodged.)

Farmhand 1: It's ready! The floss is ready! We can pick it now, I think!

Farmer O' Gill: Fire up Old Bessie. The floss is ready!

Farmhand 3: All right!

(He gets in the tractor and starts it up. Suddenly, the tractor breaks down and, just like a clown car, falls apart, much to everyone's dismay.)

Farmhand 3: Oh, Bessie.

Farmer O' Gill: Can you fix it?

Farmhand 3: They don't even make parts for her anymore.

Farmhand 2: What about the floss?

Farmer O' Gill: We'll have to bring it in by hand.

Farmhand 3: That'll take too long. 12 hour days, every hand we've got!

Darby: But... the Land of Ha's.

(The wind blows the poster out of his invisible hands.)

Farmer O' Gill: Darby, son, I'm sorry. Maybe next year.

Darby: The bouncy thingy.

Farmer O' Gill: I'm sorry, Darby, but we're farmers. Crops have to come first.

Darby: It's not fair! Why don't I get to do what I want to do? (pause) I'm done with this lousy farm!

(Farmer O' Gill watches as Darby storms off in a huff.)

Farmer O' Gill: (to his employees.) Its been a long day. Go home to your families. We've got a lot of work to do tomorrow.

(As the farmhands load up their truck, Darby continues sulking.)

Darby: Pick the floss, pick the floss. (scoffs) Man, I never get to do anything I wanna do.

(Farmhand 3 walks up to Darby to talk to him.)

Farmhand 3: I know what you're thinking. You're wishing you could be somewhere else. Somewhere over the rainbow. I was just like you once. I wanted to go--

Darby: Over the rainbow? How would I go over a rainbow? It's water droplets refracting sunlight.

Farmhand 3: Well, I just meant...

Darby: No, the place I want to go is...beyond the barn.

Farmhand 3: Come again?

Darby: Beyond the barn. Across Kansas and all the way to the Land of Ha's.

Farmhand 3: Right. Well, remember how much your dad loves you, Darby. You really are a lucky kid.

(Farmhand 3 gets into the pickup truck as it starts up. As it pulls away, Darby starts to sing.)

Darby: How can I be lucky if I'm missing out on all the fun? Life should be a party but the hotdog's fallen from my bun. Somewhere beyond the barn. Far from this lousy farm. I'll find my happiness, I'll do what I like best. Somewhere beyond the barn.

(As he finishes his song, a stronger wind blows up.)

Darby: Change in the winds.

(Just then, a lady dressed like Mary Poppins floats in on her umbrella.)

Lady: This isn't London, is it? (Darby shakes his head) Sorry! (As she's carried away by the wind again, Tutu starts barking at someone approaching the farm)

Darby: What is it, boy?

(That someone is Bobby Bernard (played by Gourdon), rolling along the path on his scooter and wearing a shirt that reads on "Ha ha!" on the front and "I went to the Land of Ha's and you didn't!" on the back.)

Darby: Tutu, stop that barking! Oh, hi, Bobby.

Bobby: Hey, Darby. I told you your dad wouldn't let you go!

Darby: He will too let me go! Just not this year, 'cause of the floss.

Bobby: (Sarcastically) Of course not! He don't want you to have fun.

Darby: That's not true! He loves me very much!

Bobby: Listen, kid. Love has its limits. Do what you wanna do-- do something he don't like, then see how far his love goes. (he starts to leave) It's now or never, pipsqueak! Get wise, get some money and go have some fun!

(Tutu growls at Bobby as he rolls away laughing. As Darby starts to think, the wind blows his poster back to the farm. After it hits him in the face, Darby continues his song.)

Darby: Somewhere beyond the barn. Far from this lousy farm. I'll find my happiness. I'll do what I like best. With no one as my boss, No smell of dental floss. Out from my father's nest, I'll do what I like best. I'll go somewhere beyond the barn.

(Early the next morning, Darby takes the piggy bank with his college money and leaves the farm just as the weather turns bad. Tutu follows close behind.)

Darby: We should have done this a long time ago, Tutu. Now we'll do what we wanna do. (thunderclap) Some storm!

(Tutu squeals as he notices a tornado heading their way)

Darby: What is it, boy? (sees the twister) Tornado?! Uh oh! Tutu, what are you supposed to do if you're caught outside by a tornado?

(Tutu jumps down into a ditch.)

Darby: Tutu, get out of that ditch and help me remember! What do you do? (notices a trailer) You go inside! Come on, Tutu!

(Darby and Tutu walk up to the trailer and get inside as the twister heads closer to them.)

Darby: We'll be safe in here, Tutu. We're inside!

(The trailer shakes and rattles.)

Darby: Is it over? (notices the telephone pole.) Hey, look! A telephone pole, going down. Now why would a telephone pole be going down? Unless we were going up?! (Darby realizes his mistake as the trailer is picked up by the twister.) Whoa! Hang on, Tutu! (As they float through the twister they see other things the twister picked up, including a cow, the Mary Poppins lookalike, Bobby, and another gourd who looks like Bobby riding a bicycle that resembles the Tiger Bike from Sumo of the Opera.) This is getting weird, Tutu! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhh!!!!

(At last, the trailer starts falling. After it lands, Darby and Tutu step out and see a fully-colored town that looks like it's made up of sweets.)

Darby: Tutu, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore. (Notices their trailer landed on and crushed a red halftrack with shark teeth.) Oh, my. What do you suppose that is?

(The truck's jaws open and let out smoke and three peas who jump around happily, while speaking French. The peas are very grateful that Darby set them free.)

Munchie 1 (played by Jean-Claude): Hello.

Darby: Hallo.

Munchie 1: You have freed us!

Darby: I.. what?

Munchie 2: You broke zee Muncher weeth your leetle hut from zee sky.

Darby: I don't understand.

Munchie 1: If only she were here. She would explain.

Munchie 3: Look, it is she!

(A purple-blue ball flies into the town.)

Darby: Who is that?

Munchie 1: Ho ho! Tres bon! She'll explain everything.

Darby: Is there a beautiful fairy inside that big, round ball?

(The fairy (played by Madame Blueberry) reveals herself.)

Splenda: No, a beautiful fairy is that big round ball.

Darby: Oops.

Splenda: I am Splenda the sweet but non-fattening fairy. These cute little creatures are the Munchies and you are in Munchieland.

Darby: Munchieland?

(Munchie 2 hold up a bowl of candy.)

Munchie 2: Oui! Care for a snack?

Darby: No, thank you.

Splenda: The Munchies think you fell from heaven in your shiny hut, but I know the truth. It is a starship that brought you across the galaxy to save these sweet ones from the evil Munchie Muncher.

Darby: (confused) A star-what? The Munchie-who?

Splenda: But now you and your starship have destroyed it and you are their hero.

Darby: Ma'am, it's not a starship. It's an old trailer.

Splenda: Yes, lovely. (starts to sing) Come out little munchies and meet the brave sailor who sailed past the stars in his rocket-ship trailer!

Darby: It's just a plain old trailer!

Splenda: He crossed the wide sky-- past moons by the bunch sir, to save our dear friends from that nasty old muncher.

(The munchies all come out to greet their hero. Soon, Darby is approached by the mayor and his assistant)

Mayor: We thank you, sir.

Assistant: We thank you sir.

Mayor: For saving our dear friends, who would have met a most unpleasant..

Assistant: Most unpleasant...

Both: End.

Mayor: Had you not happened by in your trailer in the sky. A song about your exploits...

Both: Will be penned.

Mayor: That means written. What is your name?

Darby: Darby.

Mayor: Darby. Can you think of anything that rhymes with 'Darby?'

Assistant: Uhh, Furby?

Mayor: Got any other names?

Darby: Nope. Just 'Darby.'

Mayor: (sigh) We'll make the most of it.

(The Munchies sing another song. It starts out slow at first.)

Munchie 4: His name is Darby, and he's our hero.

Munchie 5: I like my Barbie, but I'm no weirdo.

Munchie 6: Like Dana Carvey, (pulls out a photo of said actor)

Munchie 4: Robert De Niro, (he does the same thing) His name is Darby, and he's our hero.

(All the munchies sing together as the song's pace picks up)

All: His name is Darby, and he's our hero. I like my Barbie, but I'm no weirdo. Like Dana Carvey, Robert De Niro, His name is Darby, and he's our hero. His name is Darby, and he's our hero. He swept across the morning sky, And poked the muncher in the eye. So lift him up and toss him high! Strike up the band, Darby's our man!

(Suddenly, the Munchie Muncher spits out smoke and a computer screen pops out. The munchies panic. The screen shows a bully (also played by Gourdon))

Bully: Who destroyed my Munchie Muncher? Who was it?!

(As the munchies sing the song again, Darby tries to shush them, but to no avail.)

Munchies: He swept across the morning sky, And poked the muncher in the eye. So lift him up and toss him high! Strike up the band, Darby's our man!

Darby: Shh! Cut it out! Knock it off!

Bully: Oh, it was you, was it?

Darby: Do I know you?

Bully: You're gonna pay for this, and your little dog too! (as he laughs evilly, smoke fills his room) Enough with the smoke!

(The computer shuts down.)

Splenda: Oh, you have nothing to worry about. If he shows up again, you can just drop your starship on him.

Darby: (skeptical) Right.

(Several munchies surround Darby with bowls full of candy.)

Munchie 7: In the meantime, are you hungry?

Munchie 8: We've got Crisp-O's.

Munchie 2: Cheez-Wits.

Munchie 7: Toodle-Doots.

Darby: Thanks, but I'm not very hungry. You see, I'm trying to get here. (shows his poster.)

Splenda: The Land of Ha's. Delightful.

Darby: Do you know how to get there?

Splenda: Oh, yes. You need Yellow.

Darby: Yellow?

(She flies over to a gingerbread house.)

Splenda: Mm hm. Let's see if he's home. (knocks on the door) Yellow.

(An elderly, yellow toad wearing Scottish attire opens the door.)

Yellow McToad: Yellow.

Darby: Yellow?

Splenda: Yes-- Yellow McToad. He's very old, but he will lead you to the Land of Ha's

Darby: So, all I have to do is--

Munchie 7: Follow old Yellow McToad!

Munchie 8: Follow old Yellow McToad!

Munchie 2: Follow old Yellow McToad! Ho ho!

Munchie 9: Follow old Yellow McToad!

Darby: You guys are kinda freaking me out.

Splenda: Look, there he goes!

(Everyone, except Darby, sings another song)

Everyone: Follow Old Yellow McToad, Happily hopping his way down the road. Follow Old Yellow McToad down to the land of Ha's. Follow Old Yellow McToad. He'll never stop once he leaves his abode. Follow Old Yellow McToad down to the land of Ha's. Follow Old Yellow McToad. Corn will be planted and hay will be mowed. Follow old Yellow McToad down to the Land of Ha's.

(everyone looks back and sees that he only just got down the stairs.)

Yellow McToad: (croaking) Yellow.

(Splenda rolls her eyes, picks him up and takes him to the entrance of the town.)

All: It's time to see the wizard, The whimsical wizard of Ha's. With food and rides and games galore, you'll have some fun you'll want some more. It's time to see the wizard. The whimsical wizard of Ha's.

(Darby says goodbye the the munchies as he leaves the town and starts his journey. As he walks past a candy corn field while humming, he hears a voice)

Scarecrow: (offscreen) Hey, you.

Darby: Huh? Who said that?

Scarecrow: (offscreen) Got any comic books?

Darby: Who is it?

Scarecrow: (offscreen) GameBoy? iPod? Blender? Magnetic chess? Pocket Scrabble?

Darby: Talking candy corn? (finally comes across the source of the voice) No, wait. The Scarecrow?

(The Scarecrow (also played by Mr. Lunt) is revealed.)

Scarecrow: Yeah, it's me. The Scarecrow. Any magazines? Other than Farm Digest or Bird Fancy?

Darby: What seems to be the problem?

Scarecrow: The problem, as you can see, is that I am stuck on a pole with nothing to do.

Darby: Well, you are a scarecrow.

Scarecrow: I'm a bag on a stick! I keep waiting for a train to come by and grab me with a hook!

Darby: So, you're a little bored?

Scarecrow: I'm bored out of my brains! I left home to have some fun, and somehow I got a little hung up. I'd rather be anywhere but here!

(Darby notices the toad walking further away.)

Darby: Oh-- I gotta keep going. We're following a toad, and I don't know how to get him to stop.

Scarecrow: A toad?

Darby: It's a long story. We're going to the Land of Ha's.

Scarecrow: The Land of Ha's? The funnest place on Earth? I've always wanted to go there! They've got that ride that spins you 'round and you stick to the wall and then the bottom drops out! I love that!

Darby: You could come with us!

(Scarecrow smiles, but it quickly disappears.)

Scarecrow: Yeah, but that place isn't cheap. And we scarecrows don't carry a lotta cash.

Darby: I could pay for you. I've got plenty of money.

Scarecrow: You are my new best friend! Can you help me down?

Darby: Sure. Hold still.

(Darby pulls down until the Scarecrow is flung from the stick and onto the ground.)

Scarecrow: Let's see the wizard! Follow that toad!

(As they do, they sing.)

Both: It's time to see the wizard, The whimsical wizard of Ha's. With food and rides and games galore, you'll have some fun you'll want some more. It's time to see the wizard. The whimsical wizard of Ha's.

(Suddenly, Scarecrow runs into something metal)

Scarecrow: Ow.

Darby: Scarecrow, are you all right?

Scarecrow: I ran into a metal wall.

(We see he actually ran into a metal cucumber (also played by Larry))

Darby: You ran into a metal man. Make that tin.

(Scarecrow bumps the Tin Man.)

Scarecrow: Watch where you're going!

Darby: I don't think he was going anywhere. He's rusted.

Scarecrow: Tin man.

Darby: Rusted.

Tin Man: (muffled) Oil can.

Scarecrow: Huh? Boil spam? He wants us to boil some spam. I've heard of guys like this.

Tin Man: (muffled) Oil can.

Scarecrow: Boil your own spam!

Darby: Oil can. He needs his oil can.

(Runs over to the red oil can that's feet away from the Tin Man for some reason.)

Scarecrow: Oh, oil can. Right. That makes sense.

(Darby oils the Tin Man's joints until he can fully move.)

Tin Man: Thank you. That's much better.

Darby: You were really stuck.

Scarecrow: Yeah, what's the scoop, rusty boy?

Tin Man: Oh, I'm not a boy anymore. Pa says I'm a man. That's why I left home. To seek adventure. And roller coasters.

Scarecrow: Doesn't look like it's going so good.

Tin Man: It was going fine. But after a half-hour, the walking part got old. After an hour, I was bored to tears.

Scarecrow. Hence the rusting?

Tin Man: Yep.

Darby: Well, now that you're moving again, I guess you can go back home.

Tin Man: Oh, no! I must seek adventure!

Scarecrow: Have you considered a career in telemarketing?

Tin Man: No, it's roller coasters I'm looking for!

Darby: We're going someplace with roller coasters! (shows poster) The Land of Ha's!

Scarecrow: Hope you brought some money, 'cuz fun has a price.

Tin Man: The tinsmith forgot to give me pockets.

Darby: I have enough money to pay for all three of us. (Tutu makes a confused grunt)

Tin Man: You mean it?

Darby: Sure I do!

Tin Man: Woo hoo!

Scarecrow: Well, what are we waiting for?

(All three start singing.)

All: It's time to see the wizard, The whimsical wizard of Ha's. With food and rides and games galore, you'll have some fun you'll want some more. It's time to see the wizard. The whimsical wizard of Ha's.

Scarecrow: La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la!

Monkey[]

(Silly Songs with Larry begins. The title card shows Bob and Larry in a jungle.)

Narrator: And now it’s time for Silly Songs with Larry, the part of the show where Larry comes out and sings a silly song. Today Larry and Bob were on a photo safari, hot on the trail of a monkey...or an ape. We don’t know which, hence the song.

Larry: If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey Even if it has a monkey kind of shape If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey If it doesn’t have a tail It’s not a monkey, it’s an ape! If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey

Bob: Let’s see if we can catch it on the tape!

Larry: You can very plainly see if it’s a monkey If it doesn’t have a tail It’s not a monkey, it’s an ape!

Bob: Look, there it goes, there it goes, I don’t know, I can’t tell if it’s a monkey or an ape!

Larry: It’s very simple, Bob...If it doesn’t have a tail it’s not a monkey If it doesn’t have a tail It’s not a monkey, it’s an ape!

Bob: Larry, I’m not so sure...

Larry: Ooga booga, isn’t that a monkey?

Bob: Booga looga, maybe it’s an ape!

Larry: If it’s a nickel or a salad or a pillow If it doesn’t have a tail It’s not a monkey, it’s an ape!

Bob: If it doesn’t have a tail?

Larry: It’s not a monkey!

Bob: Are you sure that’s what you really mean to say? A camera has no tail!

Larry: It’s not a monkey If it doesn’t have a tail It’s not a monkey, it’s an ape!

Bob: I think there’s something wrong with your logic, Larry...

Larry: Well Bob, the lady at the zoo said it, and who am I to tell her that she’s wrong? If there’s a tail, it’s a monkey. No tail; ape. It’s easy!

Bob: But Larry... a kite has a tail!

Larry: Then it’s a monkey

Bob: A comet has a tail!

Larry: It’s a monkey

Bob: A bubble doesn’t have a...

Larry: Then it’s not a monkey, If it doesn’t have a tail It’s not a monkey...

Bob: It’s an ape?

Larry: Exactly! I knew you’d catch on!

Bob: Larry, we might need to talk about this. I don’t think the lady at the zoo meant...

Larry: Shh! (they duck down) Look, there it goes! In the trees, follow me! It’s gotta be a monkey or an ape! I can’t believe it’s true All this time, I’ve searched for you Snap the picture, Take the shot! We’re among the lucky few! We finally did it, Photographer! We’ve discovered what we’re after! Let me look! Is it an ape?

Bob: Larry... this is a disaster.

(they are standing next to a cow)

Larry: It’s a monkey!

(The flashing caption reads "NOT A MONKEY.")

Bob: Ahem, Larry...that’s a cow. Not a...

Larry: That was exhilarating! Let’s find more! If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey Even if it has a monkey kinda shape If it doesn’t have a tail, it’s not a monkey If it doesn’t have a tail It’s not a monkey, it’s an ape!

(As Larry sings this part again, Bob just tosses his camera away.)

Narrator: This has been Silly Songs with Larry. Tune in next time to hear Bob say...

Bob: Larry, you don’t have a tail.

Larry: I don’t?

Bob: Nope. And neither do I.

Larry: I wouldn’t be so sure about that, Bob.

Bob: Uh, what do you mean?

Larry: Oh, nothing.

(Bob starts to walk off...he has a tail)

The Wonderful Wizard of Ha's Act II[]

(Back to the story as Darby and his newfound friends walk through the forest)

Scarecrow: So, kid, where are you from?

Darby: Kansas.

Tin Man: No kidding. I have a cousin in Kansas.

Scarecrow: Oh, hey, me too. He looks just like me, minus the straw.

Tin Man: How about that?

Scarecrow: Yeah, what are the odds?

(They go further into the forest)

Tin Man: So, what color is this toad again?

Scarecrow: You mean Yellow McToad?

Tin Man: Yeah, Yellow McToad. What color is he?

Scarecrow: Yellow. He's yellow.

Tin Man: Oh, like his name. Clever.

(As they go even further into the forest, Darby starts to worry.)

Darby: Is there anything dangerous in these woods?

Scarecrow: A friend of mine was in these woods, and he says he saw a fella from Toledo!

Tin Man: You mean...an Ohian?

Scarecrow: Yep.

Tin Man: Well, my uncle says he saw one of those guys who play that little flute in the army.

Scarecrow: A fifer?

Tin Man: Uh huh.

Scarecrow: Oh, boy. Not to make matters worse, but I met a fella who knew a guy who says he saw.... a mommy horse.

Darby: (gasp)

Scarecrow: Ohians...

Tin Man: And fifers...

Scarecrows: And mares!

Darby: Oh, my!

Scarecrow: Ohians...

Tin Man: And fifers...

Scarecrows: And mares!

Darby: Oh, my!

(They repeat this about five times until they see a lion (also played by Pa Grape))

Lion: Rooaaarrrrr!!

(Darby and his friends run around screaming)

Tin Man: It's an Ohian!

(They run into each other and fall down.)

Lion: What? No, it's 'lion."

Tin Man: Oh, lion. Lion?!

(they all scream again)

Lion: Oh, stop! I'm not tryin' to scare ya, I'm just hungry.

Tin Man: A hungry lion?!

(they all scream once again)

Lion: No, no. I'm not going to eat ya. I'm just having fun with ya, on account of being so bored.

Darby: Why are you so bored? You're the king of the forest.

Lion: Yeah, ya know, I left home to become king. Sounded like fun, but in these modern times, the forest is actually run by a representative government. I'm a figurehead. Smile and wave, smile and wave. Boring! Plus there's no decent food around here.

Scarecrow: These woods are full of rabbits and squirrels.

Lion: (breaking the fourth wall) Yeah, but they won't let me eat 'em. Children's film.

All: Oh.

Lion: You know what I'd really love? Cotton candy! Try to find that in the forest.

Scarecrow: (to Darby) Aren't we going someplace that has cotton candy?

Darby: Why, yes! Yes we are! Wanna go to the Land of Ha's?

Tin Man: He's buyin'.

(Suddenly, Yellow McToad appears from behind the bushes, tumbles down a hill, shakes it off and continues walking.)

Scarecrow: (offscreen) Hey, it's the toad!

Tin Man: What are we waitin' for?

(All four sing as they continue their journey)

All: It's time to see the wizard, The whimsical wizard of Ha's. With food and rides and games galore, you'll have some fun you'll want some more. It's time to see the wizard. The whimsical wizard of Ha's.

(Once they're out of the woods, they see their destination.)

Darby: There it is!

Scarecrow: The Land of Ha's.

Tin Man: Funnest place on Earth.

Darby: Now I finally get to do what I wanna do! Come on! I'll race you 'cross this field of flowers!

Female singers: Now we see the city and it's looking very pretty, and we're happy and we're hopping and the fun is never stopping.

(Tin Man notices something strange about the flowers.)

Tin Man: Hey, I don't think these are flowers.

Scarecrow: I think you're right.

Darby: These aren't flowers at all. They're....(upon close inspection, they're actually...) puppies.

Lion: Puppies?

(Puppies wearing flower collars run and jump around.)

Darby: A whole field of puppies.

Scarecrow: Puppies.

Tin Man: I love puppies!

Darby: They're so cute.

Scarecrow: We can't stop now!

Lion: The cotton candy, the rides!

Tin Man: Oh, puppies.

Darby: Just a few minutes.

(Lion gives Darby a little push)

Lion: No time for puppies! We're so close!

Scarecrow: (while pushing Tin Man) Stay on target! Stay on target!

Female singers: Now we see the city and it's looking very pretty, and we're happy and we're hopping, for the puppies, we're not stopping.

(As the four friends continue their journey, we see they're actually being watched by the bully.)

Bully: (evil laugh) Excellent. Looks like we need to take a little trip to the Land of Ha's.

(We see he has two onion friends dressed like evil minions.)

Minion 1: Oooh. Can we ride the roller coaster?

Bully: No, we're not gonna ride the--

Minion 2: What about that spinny ride where you stick to the wall?

Bully: I said no! No rides!

(As they leave the room, we see two munchies in a jail cell.)

(At last, Darby and his friends reach their destination. As they stare at the entrance, the Wizard (played by Archibald) shows up.)

Wizard: Ah ha! Welcome, travelers, to the Land of Ha's! Funniest place on Earth! Ha ha ha ha! (points his cane to Darby) Tell me. What do you want to do?

Darby: Well, the Lion wants cotton candy. And the Tin Man wants roller coasters. And the Scarecrow, he wants one of those rides where you spin and the bottom falls out.

Wizard: Oh, my. And what about you, sir?

Darby: Well, I just...I just wanna do whatever I want!

Wizard: Then you've come to the right place! Ha, ha!

(Darby and his friends enter the amusement park and approach a turnstile.)

Wizard: But first, there is the topic of financial remuneration.

Tin Man: Remuni-whoonie?

Darby: Uh, what?

Wizard: Money. Getting what you want has a price, you know.

Darby: Oh, right.

(He pulls out the piggy bank, the Wizard grabs it, pulls out the cork, and pours the money into a slot, which makes the meter light up.)

Wizard: And now, Whatever you want!

(Everyone enters the Land of Ha's. As they all have a good time in the amusement park, the Wizard sings about all the fun they can have while going down a slide.)

Wizard: With a Ha-Ha-Ha and a ho-ho-ho, You'll have fun fun fun as you go go go. (on a balloon ride) With a ho-ho-ho and a hoo-hoo-hoo, Every thrill thrill thrill just for you you you. (He gives Lion cotton candy) And you'll eat a lot of candy as you ride the rides so dandy. (on a Ferris wheel) Do as much as you can stand-y and a little bit more. And you'll go around again in the blender you will blend. And the fun will never end like it did before. (Now they're on the spinning ride Scarecrow wanted. Next, they're on a roller coaster, just as Tin Man wanted.) And you'll hop hop hop then you'll drop drop drop. Never stop stop stop, there's no time to pause. Don't need mom or dad, they might think it's bad, All the fun you've had in the land of Ha's.

(After Darby and his friends get a photo of them with a statue, the money meter starts to go down. As the song repeats, its pace picks up. Darby and his friends are shown on a boat ride. After that, they ride the same rides as before. During this, Tutu becomes quite exhausted.)

All four: With a Ha-Ha-Ha and a ho-ho-ho, We'll have fun fun fun as we go go go. With a ho-ho-ho and a hee-hee-hee

Darby: Every thrill thrill thrill just for me me me

Offscreen Singers: And we'll eat a lot of candy as we ride the rides so dandy. Do as much as we can stand-y and a little bit more. And we'll go around again in the blender we will blend.

Lion and Offscreen Singers: And the fun will never end like it did before

All four: And we'll hop hop hop then we'll drop drop drop. Never stop stop stop there's no time to pause

Darby and Offscreen Singers: Don't need mom or dad, they might think it's bad, All the fun we've had in the land of Ha's

Lion: Again!

(As the song repeats one more time, the rides move a lot faster, Darby and friends get dizzy, and the money meter goes down further.)

Offscreen Singers

With a Ha-Ha-Ha and a ho-ho-ho, We'll have fun fun fun as we go go go. With a ho-ho-ho and a hee-hee-hee, Every thrill thrill thrill just for me me me. And we'll eat a lot of candy as we ride the rides so dandy, Do as much as we can stand-y and a little bit more. And we'll go around again in the blender we will blend, And the fun will never end like it did before. And we'll hop hop hop then we'll drop drop drop, Never stop stop stop there's no time to pause.

Everyone: Don't need mom or dad they might think it's bad, All the fun we've had in the land of Ha's

(Finally, the money meter goes down completely as Darby and his friends exit the park. His friends look rather exhausted.)

Darby: That was great! But don't you have one of those bouncy castles where you jump around and you knock your heads together?

Wizard: My boy, you've only scratched the surface of the whimsical Land of Ha's! (Points to a second gate) Through this gate, you'll find even more thrills, chills and delicious dessert items.

Darby: Great! Let's do it, guys!

Tin Man: I'll be right there.

Scarecrow: Right after I catch my breath.

Lion: We're not as young as you. Oy.

Darby: I'll check it out first. (He tries to enter, but the turnstile remains stuck.) It won't open. Why won't it open?

Wizard: (noticing the empty slot) Oh, I see the problem. You simply need to make another deposit. Fun has its price.

Tin Man: You've got more money, right?

Darby: No, I don't have any more. (saddened) That was everything.

Tin Man: Oh.

Lion: To be honest, my tummy ain't feelin' so good. My mother had this tea she'd give me when my stomach was upset. I kinda miss her, come to think of it. I'm gonna go back home.

(The Lion leaves the Land of Ha's. The rest of Darby's friends do the same.)

Scarecrow: You know, I think I've had enough spinning to last me a while. I'm going home, too.

Tin Man: The roller coasters were great. Thanks, Darby. But.... I miss my mom and dad.

(And Darby is alone. As he watches his friends leave, the Wizard talks to him.)

Wizard: Go home, son. There's nothing for you here.

Darby: (sadly) Home.

(He starts to think about what Farmhand 3 and Bobby told him before thinking about what he said and did.)

Farmhand 3: Remember how much your dad loves you, Darby.

Bobby: Love has its limits. Do what you wanna do-- do something he don't like, then see how far his love goes.

Darby: I'm done with this lousy farm!

Farmer O' Gill: Now, son, that's for your future. (echo)

(back to Darby)

Darby: I can't go home. My dad could never forgive me for what I've done. I can't go home. Can't you let me try some more rides? You said I could do what I want.

Wizard: You're out of money, kid.

Darby: But you can do anything! You're a wizard!

(The Wizard removes his wacky glasses)

Wizard: Look, kid-- I'm not really a wizard. There's no magic here. I'm just a business man trying to make a living.

Darby: But the poster said this is "the funnest place on Earth!" (angry) And right now, I'm not having very much fun!

(Two tourists (played by Jimmy and Jerry Gourd) approach the Land of Ha's.)

Jimmy: (offscreen) Does it look like it's open?

Jerry: Um.... I think so.

Wizard: New customers! Not now, kid.

Jimmy: I can't wait to see what kind of food they've got.

Darby: (angered) This place is a joke!

Wizard: (puts his wacky glasses back on) Please, don't do this!

Darby: This was supposed to be fun! Stay away, everyone! The wizard...he just wants your money! (The wizard pulls a lever releasing a huge ejector trap.) Oh, I see! You wanna get rid of me! Well, you'll get rid of me alright! I'm gonna go and tell everybody how much this place stinks! (Wizard pulls another lever, releasing a steel colander, but that doesn't stop Darby either.) And then, I'm gonna make sure everybody knows...

Wizard: So long, kid.

(He pulls one more lever. This one opens up a trap door which Darby falls right down.)

Darby: Whoa!

(Wizard chases after Tutu.)

Wizard: And now, you. Here, puppy, puppy! (Tutu runs past Jimmy and Jerry.) Ah, ha, ha, ha. Welcome, travelers, to the Land of Ha's! Funniest place on Earth!

(As Tutu runs off to look for help, The Bully watches from behind the bushes. Cut to Darby as he finds he's landed in a garbage dump.)

Darby: Tutu? Tutu?! Oh, dad, I'm so sorry.

(The Bully comes to laugh at Darby.)

Bully: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Boo hoo! I miss my daddy! Ha, ha, ha, ha!

Darby: What do you want?

Bully: I want you to know-- to know what it feels like to be alone, but it looks like you're taking care of that yourself. Enjoy your new home! Come on, minions.

(As he leaves, Darby sings.)

Darby: (singing) Somewhere beyond the barn. Far from my father's arms. It's what I thought was best. Didn't see how I was blessed. Now I'm somewhere beyond the barn. (talking) How could I have been so foolish? Even my dad's farmhands have it better than this! (starts to think) That's it! I'll go back to my dad and I'll ask him for a job. I don't deserve to be his son anymore, but maybe he'll hire me to work on the farm. Now how do I get out of here?

Tin Man: Perhaps I can be of assistance.

Darby: What?

Scarecrow: Hey, there.

Tin Man: How's it going?

Darby: How did you find me?

Lion: You've got your dog to thank for that.

(Tutu shows up, happy that Darby is alive and well.)

Scarecrow: So, how we gonna get him out?

Tin Man: We need a helicopter, 200 yards of steel cable, and a pound and half of margarine.

Lion: (sarcastically) I'll check my pockets.

Tin Man: No, wait! The window has a latch. (he tries to grab it, but due to his lack of hands, he can't) I can't reach it.

Scarecrow: Hey, I've got an idea. Unstuff me.

Lion and Tin Man: Huh?

Scarecrow: Unstuff me. I'm full of straw. Take half the straw out and you can squeeze me through the bars. No, really! It'll work!

(Lion and Tin Man reluctantly do so.)

Lion: I don't feel good about this.

Scarecrow: (giggling) It kinda tickles! Okay, I think that'll do it. Now push me through. (Turns sideways so he can slip past the bars. He gets past, but because he's almost as flat as a pancake, he wobbles uncontrollably.) I'll get the latch. I feel kinda light headed. (He successfully reaches the latch) Got it! Now push on the window! (Tin Man does so.) No, wait!

Tin Man and Lion: Scarecrow!

(Thankfully, Scarecrow's nose got caught on the door.)

Scarecrow: Saved by a nose!

Lion: So, how do we get down now?

Tin Man: Hey, the pile of straw! We could jump onto it!

Scarecrow: That's no pile of straw, that's me!

Lion: Oh, you're right. Mind if we jump on you?

Scarecrow: Be my guest.

(Tin Man and Lion jump down and land safely. Scarecrow lets go of the door and floats down gently like a leaf.)

Scarecrow: I'm an angel.

Lion: You're saved, Darby!

Darby: Great! Now we just need to get back up to the window. (looks up at Tutu)

Lion: In our defense, I don't think your dog fully explained the situation to us.

(Tutu runs off to find a rope. Meanwhile, Scarecrow picks up the straw.)

Scarecrow: Can someone give me a hand? I'm all over the place.

(Tutu comes back with a rope.)

Tin Man: That'll work. (After they escape from the dump, they make their way through the halls) This way!

(Suddenly, they come across the bully's minions)

Darby: Minions!

(They turn and flee.)

Minion 1: It's the boy! Get him!

Minion 2: You can't get away from us!

(They all come across the wizard)

Wizard: I thought I got rid of you!

Scarecrow: Next idea?

Tin Man: Try the front door?

(As they head for the exit, the Munchie Muncher, now apparently repaired very quickly, blocks the door.)

Darby: Ahh! The Munchie Muncher!

Wizard: Ahh! I'm outta here!

(The minions corner the four friends as the bully approaches them.)

Scarecrow: It's that strange boy!

Bully: (evil laughter) Now you're gonna get it! You and all your friends are gonna wish you were back at that dump!

(Darby sees a janitor (played by Charlie Pincher) mopping. He picks up the bucket and throws water at the bully. This makes the bully cry.)

Scarecrow: Are you.....Are you melting?

Bully: No, but I'm all wet. What you go and do that for?! I wasn't gonna hurt you!

(Suddenly, the bully's mom enters, angry. Here, we find out the bully's name.)

Mom: Chester! Chester, where have you been? We've been looking all over for you!

Chester: Mom?

Mom: Why are your friends dressed like....like evil minions? Why was your closet full of these munchies?

(We see Chester's dad, surrounded by munchies, looking very unamused.)

Dad: You'd better have a good explanation for this, young man.

Chester: But....

Dad: Boys, put down those mops. You could put an eye out. (they do just that) We'll talk about this later.

Mom: Come on home, Chester. And don't forget, you need to finish packing. We're going to your cousin Bobby's in Kansas.

(Chester leaves.)

Chester: Oh, you can go. Sorry.

(Scarecrow, Tin Man, Lion and Darby cheer)

Scarecrow: We can all go home!

(Lion notices Darby is still homesick.)

Lion: Don't you wanna go home, Darby?

Darby: I don't even know how.

(One of the Munchies sees Splenda approaching.)

Munchie 10: Oh, look! It is Splenda! Perhaps she can help.

Scarecrow: Who is that?

Splenda: You want to go home, don't you?

Darby: More than anything! Can you take me there?

Splenda: No, but I have something that can help you, Darby.

Darby: Tutu, too?

Splenda: Tutu, too.

Tin Man: They wouldn't be shiny red slippers, would they?

Splenda: No, silly. (She pulls a rope and this brings back the trailer) I brought your starship back to you.

Darby: Oh, terrific.

(Splenda opens the door.)

Splenda: Now come along. Get inside. Don't dilly dally.

Munchies: Get in the trailer, kid. Come on.

(Darby and Tutu get into the trailer)

Darby: (offscreen) Okay. Now what?

Splenda: It's your starship. You should know.

Darby: (offscreen) Ummmmm...

Splenda: I have it. Just say "I want to go home. Click (3x).

Darby: (offscreen) Ma'am?

Splenda: Trust me.

Darby: (offscreen) I want to go home. Click (3x) (Splenda pulls a lever, and the trailer is launched into the sky.) Thank you for your help! I'll miss you all very much!

All three: Goodbye! Come back anytime!

(The trailer flies out of Munchieland and back to Kansas. Cut back to the farm as Farmer O' Gill stands outside the farmhouse. Farmhand 3 walks up to him.)

Farmhand 3: We've searched everywhere within 100 miles. There's no sign of him anywhere.

(Farmer O' Gill looks down sadly. Just then, he sees Darby in the distance.)

Farmer O' Gill: Darby?

Darby: I'll just say "Dad,-- Oh, um, Mr. O' Gill... Farmer O' Gill, sir."

Farmer O' Gill: Darby!

Darby: I was wondering if I could have a job. If I could work for you...

(As he thinks, Farmer O' Gill happily runs to greet his son.)

Farmer O' Gill: Darby!

Darby: Farmer O' Gill, sir, I was wondering if you needed any--

(Before he can finish, his dad picks him up.)

Farmer O' Gill: Darby, my son!

(Farmhands 1 and 2 walk up to see what's going on.)

Darby: Umm.....I could work!

Farmer O' Gill: My son. My son. (The Farmhands watch happily.) Don't just stand there, get a cake! Get ice cream! Go rent one of those big bouncy castles! We're gonna have a party!

Farmhands 2 and 3: All right! I'll get right on it! Right away! You got it!

Farmhand 1: I don't get it. Didn't he run off and spend all the money?

Farmer O' Gill: (too happy to be upset about that) My son was lost, but now he's found. He was dead to me, but now he's alive again. Join the party!

Farmhand 1: Okay. (He walks off to help the others)

Darby: Dad, I'm sorry.

Farmer O' Gill: I know, Darby. I know. It's okay.

(As they hug, the farmhands return with a bouncy castle. They are then seen playing on it.)

Male singers: I love you today and I love you tomorrow. I love you as deep as the sea. I love you in joy and I love you in sorrow. You can always come home to me. You can always come home, Always come home, Always come home to me.

Farmer O' Gill: I love you, little mister.

Darby: And I love you, big mister.

(And the story ends as they hug again.)

Closing Countertop[]

(Cut back to the countertop as Larry is now in a more positive mood.)

Larry: Oh, man, Bob! That was the happiest ending ever!

Bob: I'm glad you liked it, Larry.

Larry: He even got to jump on the bouncy thingy!

Bob: Yep, it all worked out.

Larry: Let's watch it again!

Bob: I don't think we have time for that, Larry. We're over here by Qwerty to talk about what we learned today.

(As the song plays, Bob puts on earphones to block it out, despite the fact he has no ears.)

Singers: And so what we have learned applies to our lives today. God has a lot to say in His book.

Larry: Can we just watch the ending again?

Bob: No, Larry.

(Bob puts his earphones back on as the song concludes)

Singers: You see we know that God’s word is for everyone and now that our song is done we'll take a look.

Larry: What about the bonus features?

Bob: Larry, we need to finish the show.

Larry: Sorry. Can I watch it with the sound down?

Bob: No! Darby took his dad's money and ran away from home because he thought it would make him happier. But being away didn't make him happier, and after what he did, he was afraid to come back-- afraid his dad wouldn't love him anymore.

Larry: But what's that have to do with us?

Bob: Well, you see, the story of the Prodigal Son is about how much God loves everyone. Jesus told that story to teach us something about God.

Larry: You're losin' me, Bob.

Bob: Let's see if Qwerty has a verse for us.

(Qwerty turns on and shows the verse, which reads....)

Bob: " How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. 1 John 3:1." Darby's dad in the story is like God. And Darby, he's just like Felix and everyone else for that matter. What Jesus was telling us in His little story about a father and a son is that God's love has no limits. It goes on forever. No matter what you've done, no matter how far you've run away, you can always come back to God. And when He sees you coming, He'll pick you up and He'll just keep hugging you.

Larry: So, what about my dad and the aardvark?

Bob: Well, Larry, your dad loves God and he loves you. I bet he'll show you the same kind of love.

Larry: Oh, good. 'Cause the other day I was playing with his chameleon.

(After he pulls out said toy, one of its eyes pops off.)

Bob: Maybe you need to be a little more careful.

(the other eye pops off.)

Larry: Oops.

Bob: Well, Felix, you can always go back to God. He can't wait to see you.

Larry: And remember, kids, God made you special.

Bob: And He loves you very, very much, no matter what.

Larry: See you next time.

Both: Goodbye!

(As the end credits roll, Scarecrow sings "Over the Rainbow.")

Scarecrow: Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high, There's a land that I heard of once in a lullaby. (Tin Man and Lion accompany him.) Somewhere over the rainbow, Skies are blue

Tin Man: Skies are blue.

Scarecrow: And the dreams that you dare to dream, really do come true...

Lion: Heh-heh, he's right!

(As the song continues, Scarecrow is lifted off his post and carried away by a blimp piloted by Yellow McToad.)

Scarecrow: Someday I'll wish upon a star And wake up where the clouds are far behind me. (talking) Goodbye clouds! (back to singing) Where troubles melt like lemon drops. Away above the chimney tops, that's where you'll find- (After running into a chimney, birds circle his head.) Mee-ugh.. Me! Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly (talking) There they go now. (as he continues singing, Yellow McToad cuts the rope, causing Scarecrow to fall onto a rainbow and slide down it until he's back on his post.) Birds fly over the rainbow, why, oh why can't I? (talking) Tweet-tweet! Tell my mom I'll be right here!

(end of transcript)

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