This is the episode transcript for The Ultimate Silly Song Countdown.
Transcript[]
Opening[]
(The episode opens with Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt and Larry in their pirate clothes.)
Pa Grape: Ahoy there, maties! Captain Pa here! Welcome aboard the ship of The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything!
Mr. Lunt: Nothing.
Larry: Zilch.
Mr. Lunt: Nada.
Pa Grape: Not so fast, ya lazies! Today, we're doing a little something.
Larry: (irritated) Not again!
Mr. Lunt: We did something yesterday!
Pa Grape: Huh? All you did was order Chinese!
Mr. Lunt: Hey, it's hard to say moo goo gai pan! Whoop, I did it again. I'm beat.
Larry: Here, have a won-ton.
Mr. Lunt: Ooh!
Pa Grape: Over the past few months, we've asked our loving and loyal fans to cast their votes for their favorite Silly Song. Well, the votes are in! And now it's time to tally them all up in the Astonishing Contraption of Silliness!
(Said contraption is revealed)
Contraption: Astonishing contraption of silliness! (audience cheering and applauding off screen)
Mr. Lunt: What a lame name. Who came up with that? (looks over at Larry)
Larry: What? I liked it. Won-ton?
Mr. Lunt: Ooh!
Pa Grape: Let the silliness begin! (starts the machine up) With classics like...
Contraption: Everybody's got a water buffalo...
Pa Grape: Or who can forget...
Contraption: Oh, where is my hairbrush...
Pa Grape: And then there's...
Contraption: Miren el pepino
(The contraption starts speeding up, Pa muttering unintelligibly. The machine shuts down)
Pa Grape: Ya, bucket of bolts.
(A spring pops out of the machine and hits Pa)
Pa Grape: Enough lollygagging, ya slackers! It's time to shake a leg! (Larry takes this literally) Buccaneer Larry, man the vote sacks!
Larry: Aye-aye, captain.
Pa Grape: Pirate Lunt, hoist the booster!
Mr. Lunt: Okay.
Pa Grape: Let's go over the rules, shall we? We'll put your votes in the Astonishing Contraption of Silliness. The Astonishing Contraption of Silliness will count your votes and then the Astonishing Contraption of Silliness will countdown to the silliest Silly Song of all time!
(Larry puts a bag of votes into the funnel on top of the machine.)
Larry: That's it!
Mr. Lunt: The polls are closed.
Pa Grape: Oh! Great! Well, the moment has arrived. Buccaneer Lunt, the lever!
(Mr. Lunt pulls the lever and the ACOS starts counting.)
#10 - Endangered Love[]
Contraption: Number 10: Endangered Love.
Announcer: We join Larry as he follows the tragic saga of Barbara Manatee in the day time drama, Endangered Love.
Larry: Barbara Manatee.
Backup Singers: Manatee, manatee.
Larry: You are the one for me.
Backup Singers: One for me, one for me.
Larry: Sent from up above.
Backup Singers: Up above, up above.
Larry: You are the one I love.
Backup Singers: Barbara, oh Barbara.
Bill: Please don't cry Barbara. You're a nice manatee. You've been so good to me. But I must go into the world and do noble things for the good of all. And you can't come because you don't speak French. Au revoir!
Barbara: But if you leave, Bill. Who will take me to the ball? Who's going to take me to the ball, Bill? I have a new dress and shoes, and new manatee lipstick! Who will take me to the ball?
Larry: (Jumps off couch) I'll take you to the ball, Barbara Manatee!
Barbara: Please don't go.
Bill: I must.
Barbara: Don't go.
Bill: I must.
Barbara: Don't!
Bill: Must!
Barbara: Don't, don't!
Bill: Must, must!
Larry: Barbara Manatee.
Backup Singers: Manatee, manatee.
Larry: You are the one for me.
Backup Singers: One for me, one for me.
Larry: Sent from up above.
Backup Singers: Manatee from heaven.
Larry: You are the one I love.
(Larry dances the tango with his stuffed Barbara Manatee)
Larry: Barbara Manatee.
Backup Singers: Manatee, manatee.
Larry: I'll be your mon ami.
Backup Singers: Mon ami, mon ami.
Larry: I'll take you to the ball.
Backup Singers: To the ball, to the ball.
Larry: I hope you're not too tall.
Backup Singers: You might have trouble dancing.
Barbara: Bill, I've learned French.
Bill: You have?
Barbara: Mais oui, je sui manatee. See?
Bill: Oui, oui, mon ami. I always knew you could. I really hoped you would. Now can we go into the world and do noble things for the good of all?
Barbara: Yes. But first, Bill. Will you take me to the ball? Oh, Bill. Will you take me to the ball?
Bill: I can't dance.
Barbara: You can't?
Bill: No.
Barbara: I must go!
Bill: Please don't go.
Barbara: I must.
Bill: Don't go.
Barbara: I must.
Bill: Don't!
Barbara: Must!
Bill: Don't, don't!
Barbara: Must, must!
Larry: Barbara Manatee.
Backup Singers: Manatee, manatee.
Larry: You are the one--
(Larry is interrupted by Bob opening the door.)
Bob: Larry, what are you doing?
Larry: Just, watching a little TV, Bob.
Bob: Well, maybe you should read a book.
Larry: Yeah. Okay.
Announcer: This has been Silly Songs with Larry. Tune in next time to hear Bill say:
Bill: Barbara! I've learned to dance!
Barbara: Oh, Bill.
#9 - Dance of the Cucumber[]
Contraption: Number 9: The Dance of the Cucumber.
Announcer: Larry will be performing the traditional Argentinian ballad, "The Dance of the Cucumber", in its original Spanish. Bob the Tomato will translate.
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Bob: Okay, stop the music! What do you mean I can't dance? I can dance! What about Uncle Louie's polka party? Didn't you see me dancing at Uncle Louie's polka party?
Larry: No comprendo.
Bob: "No comprendo?" I'll show you "no comprendo!"
Junior: Mom! Dad! Look over here! Get a picture of me next to the cucumber in authentic Argentinian garb!
Dad: Okay, Junior, but we'd better hurry. I think the dwarves have your mother confused with someone else.
(Junior’s mom is chased by dwarves)
Dad: Say "Peas!"
Larry and Junior: Peas!
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Bob: Alright, that's it, señor! Come over here and let me sing you a song!
Larry: ¡Adios, amigos!
Announcer: This has been "Silly Songs With Larry". Tune in next time to hear Larry sing ...
Larry: Bob is really angry. I hope he doesn't catch me. It's so hard to run with this sombrero on my head.
#8 - Larry's High Silk Hat[]
Contraption: Number 8: Larry's High Silk Hat.
(Song intro, as a feather falls from the sky just like the film Forrest Gump. It lands onto Larry's hat. He blows the feather off his hat and it falls to the ground. The song is sung to the tune of Funiculi Funicula.)
Archibald: One day, while he was waiting for the trolley, he had a hat.
Larry: My high silk hat.
Archibald: He wore it high upon his head so proudly, a beautiful hat.
Larry: My high silk hat.
Archibald: A hat like this just makes him feel so grandly
Now fancy this, and fancy that.
The splendor of his hat in all its majesty.
Larry: Like a king, in a royal cap!
I feel so swell and handsome in my hat.
(Art Bigotti walks up and sits on the bench. He looks at Larry, confused)
I bet that others wish they had in fact...
Larry and Archibald: A hat as this, a hat as that, a hat so fine, a high silk hat!
Larry: Oh, Mr. Art Bigotti,
Now what do you think of that?
(Art Bigotti rolls his eyes, gets up from the bench, and walks until he gets behind the bench.)
Archibald and Chorus: Now his hat was not all he wore so proudly,
Archibald: I must in fact share more than that.
Archibald and Chorus: For upon his lap there sat a treat so fondly, of chocolate this.
Larry: And chocolate that.
Archibald: Deliciousness that makes him feel so dandy, a chocolate bliss.
Larry: A chocolate snack.
(Mr. Nezzer walks up and sits on the bench, then notices Larry's box of chocolates.)
Chorus: Confections such as these are more than candy, somewhat like life, a box of that.
Larry: I have my chocolate placed upon my lap.
I feel so good you just cannot top that.
Larry and Chorus: I have my snack, a chocolate pack of chocolate this and chocolate that!
Larry: Oh golly, Mr. Nezzer, now what do you think of that?
(Mr. Nezzer gets up from the bench and walks until he gets behind the bench. A cardboard cutout of the sun appears.)
Archibald: Now time was passing and the sun grew hotter upon his hat.
Chorus: And chocolate snack.
(Jean Claude and Phillipe pass by riding a bike)
Archibald: So beneath his hat he thought and pondered:
Larry: What should I do to save my hat?
Archibald: He thought and contemplated as he perspired, beneath his hat.
(Jean Claude and Philippe pass by on their bike again, this time, from the opposite direction; Jean Claude hops off the bike near the bench and looks surprisingly at Larry and his chocolates)
Chorus: Upon his lap.
Archibald: He feared his chocolate treats would soon retire into a pool.
Chorus: A chocolate vat.
Larry and Chorus: I won't feel grand if I take off my hat.
The sun's getting hot and my hat just might go flat.
My hat, it might go flat, and my sweets will melt like that!
Larry: Oh, hurry Mr. Trolley, before my dapperness goes flat!
Archibald and Chorus: He decided to forgo his looks so dashing to save his hat.
Jean-Claude: And little snack!
Archibald and Chorus: So he placed the treats upon the seat beside him.
Mr. Nezzer: And put his hat on top of that.
(Miss Achmetha walks up to the bench and sits)
Larry: Oh please.
Chorus: Oh please, oh please!
Larry: Don't anybody sit close to me, upon my hat.
Larry and Chorus: I ask if all of you could be so kindly
Larry: and just stand back, away from my snack!
(Apollo Gourd sits on Larry's hat and chocolates, wearing a shirt saying "GOURD'S GYM".)
Larry: A great big squash just sat upon my hat!
A great big squash just squished my hat real flat!
He squashed my hat, he made it flat, he squished my snack, oh what of that?
Oh, tell me, anybody, now what do you think of that?
All: A great big squash just sat upon his hat!
A great big enormous squash squished his hat real flat!
He squashed his hat, he made it flat, he squished his snack, oh what of that?
(The trolley arrives and all get on except Larry. Scallion #1 then walks up.)
Larry: Oh, golly! (Spoken) Uh, what's your name?
Scallion #1: They've never given me a name. I've been around since show one and I still don't have a name!
Larry and Chorus: Now what do you think of that?
(Cuts to black)
#7 - The Water Buffalo Song[]
Contraption: Number 7: The Dance of the Yodeling Cebú Lips.
Pa Grape: Hold it! Stop the countdown!!! I don't understand... There must be some mistake! I think perhaps the Astonishing Contraption of Silliness may need some recalibrating. (Picks up a wooden mallet) This oughta do it. (Whacks the machine)
Contraption: Number 7: The Water Buffalo Song.
Pa Grape: Oh, that's a nice one. The grandfather of Silly Songs. The one that started the whole thing! Let's pause for a moment of respect, shall we?
(Everyone bows their heads with peaceful music in the background)
Pa Grape: That's enough. Hit it! (Larry starts the machine up)
(Larry pops in wearing an oversized cowboy hat)
Larry: The Water Buffalo Song!
(Larry smiles as the music begins)
Larry: Everybody's got a water buffalo
Yours is fast but mine is slow
Oh where'd we get them, I don't know
But everybody's got a water buffalo-oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
I took my buffalo to the store
(saloon door comes in)
Got his head stuck in the door
(puts head in saloon door)
Spilled some lima beans on the floor
Oh, everybody's got a...
(Archibald comes in)
Archibald: Stop it! Stop, stop right this instant, what do you think you're doing!? You can't say everyone's got a water buffalo when everyone does NOT have a water buffalo! We were going to get nasty letters saying, "Where's my water buffalo? Why don't I have a water buffalo?" And are you prepared to deal with that? I don't think so! Just stop being so silly!
(Archibald leaves)
The Announcer: This has been Silly Songs with Larry. Tune in next time to hear Larry sing:
(Larry pops in)
Larry: Everybody's got a baby kangaroo
Yours is pink but mine is blue
Hers was small but...
(Archibald rushes in)
Archibald: Aaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh! (runs over Larry)
#6 - The Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps[]
Contraption: Number 6: The Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps.
Quartet Singers: Hm, hm, hm, hm...
There lived a man so long ago his memory's but faint.
Was not admired, did not inspire, like president, or saint.
But people came from far and near with their afflicted pets.
For a special cure, they knew for sure, wouldn't come from other vets.
Woooah-ooh...
Larry: This is a song, for your poor sick penguin.
He's got a fever, and his toes are blue.
But if I sing, to your poor sick penguin,
he will feel better, in a day or two.
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-eee-ooo. Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo.Ya-de ya-de ya-de ya-de ya-de-doo!
(Penguin spits out thermometer)
Pa Grape: (to Junior) He's gone a little loopy, in case you hadn't heard.
Here's a couple penicillin for your sickly arctic bird.
Quartet Singers: Mm, mm, mmmmmm...
No skeptic could explain just how, nor could one oft rebut,
the wondrous deeds that went on in that little Alpine hut.
Some would stand in silence while some just scratched their scalps.
For the curious ways of the Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps.
Woooahh-ooh...
Pa Grape: Good news on the penguin, doc! He's up and kicking.
Kitty: Meow.
Larry: This is a song, for your pregnant kitty.
She's looking nauseous, and a week past due.
But if I sing, to your pregnant kitty,
she will feel better, in a day or two.
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo. Yodel-leh-hee yodel-ye-dee yodel-eee-ooo.Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-aye-hoo. Yada-yada yada-yada ya-ga-doo!
Kitty: Hiss!
Pa Grape: (to Bob) Jump in your car, drive into the city.
Buy a jug of milk for your nauseated kitty. (hands Bob a coupon for milk)
Quartet Singers: Mm, mm, mmmmmm...
The practice grew, their profits flew until one fateful day,
when the nurse who did assist the doc asked for a raise in pay.
The doctor pondered this a while, sat back and scratched his scalp. Then said:
Larry: No way, Jose!
Quartet Singers: To the nurse of the Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps.
Woooah-ohh...
Pa Grape: Good news on the kitty doc. She's feelin' great. Six kittens, named one after you.
Ted the Bear: Roar!
Larry: This is a song, for your bear-trapped teddy.
He looks uncomfy, think I'd be too.
But if I sing, to your bear-trapped teddy,
he will feel better, in a day or two.
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo. Yodel-leh-hee o-layhee oly-ooo. Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo. Yodel-leh-hee yaba-daba daba-doo!
Ted the Bear: Roar! Roar-ah-ar-ah.
Pa Grape: Oh yeah. That'll work. He's good.
Ted the Bear: (Roaring continually through background)
Larry: Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo! No, wait! This should work! Yodel-leh-hee! Yodel-leh-hoo yodel-leh-hoo! Ooo! Yodel-hoo!
Quartet Singers: Mm, mm, mm, mmm...
Now the moral of our story, it's the point we hope we've made:
When you go a little loopy better keep your nurse well paid!
Larry: (being chased by the bear) Yodel-leh-hee! Yodel-leh-hoo! Yodel odle odle aye de aye de ooo-ooo-ooo!
Quartet Singers: Wooah!
Some would stand in silence, while some just scratched their scalps,
for the curious ways of the Yodeling Veterinarian of the Alps!
Larry: (still running from the bear) Yodel-hoo!
#5 - The Song of the Cebú[]
Contraption: Number 5: The Song of the Cebú.
(Scene changes to Larry using the slide projector as a presentation on a sheet to Junior Asparagus and Jimmy and Jerry Gourd.)
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls! Larry the Cucumber presents, in a sequential image, stereophonic, multimedia event, The Song of the Cebú!
Larry: Cebú! This is a song about a boy. (sheet shows a drawing of a young cucumber, who vaguely resembles Larry, wearing a coat and a hat) A song about a little boy and his cebús. (sheet shows a drawing of three cebú, all with different personalities) A song about a little boy and his three cebús. (sheet shows a closeup of the first cebú, who has a patched up head, sick looking eyes, and is holding a thermometer in his mouth) The little boy who had a sick cebú, (sheet shows a closeup of the second cebú, who has teary eyes and is holding a flower with a broken petal) a sad cebú, (sheet shows a closeup of the third cebú, whose lips are sewn together) and a mute cebú. (sheet shows a drawing of a hippo) And also a hippo. (Suddenly, the sheet becomes blank and Larry tries to fix a problem with his slide projector.) Um... um... (Sheet shows a photo of him and Bob at the airport, with Mike Asparagus in the background. Larry is wearing a Hawaiian shirt and sunglasses and has a blue suitcase behind him, with his Larry-Boy helmet in it; Bob is carrying his suitcase and a stamp featuring himself and Junior.) this is me at the airport. (Sheet shows a photo of him and his Great Aunt Ruth, with Lovey and Grandpa George in the background. Aunt Ruth's face is obscured, but she is shown to also be wearing a Hawaiian shirt, as well as a sun hat.) This is my Aunt Ruth. (Sheet shows a photo of him at a bullfight. He is dressed as a bullfighter and a nearby bull with a ring in his nose is ready to fight.) This is me at a bullfight. (Sheet shows a photo him fighting the bull.) This is me fighting a bull.
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Ooohh!
Larry: This is me and the bull.
(Sheet shows a photo an injured Larry and the bull, who is now wearing Larry's bullfighter hat and cape, with a group of cheering potatoes in the background. The bull is resting his right hoof on Larry's head.)
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Ahh!
(Sheet shows a photo of Larry, the bull, and a cebú who looks like the sick cebú in Larry's drawing.)
Larry: This is me and the bull and... I think that's the bull's cousin. He's a cebú!
(Larry continues to show blank pictures on the sheet as Archibald Asparagus comes in.)
Archibald: Hold it! You call this a multimedia event? This is a slide projector and a bed sheet! And what on Earth is a Cebú, anyway?
Larry: It's kind of like a cow... (sheet shows a drawing comparing a cow to a Cebú, both of whom are staring at each other) See?
Archibald: Yes. Well, very good. This could be interesting. Carry on! (He leaves.)
Larry: Cebú! Sing it with me! Cebú!
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Cebú!
(instrumental; sheet shows a drawing of the boy riding with his three Cebú in a canoe)
Larry: Boy is riding with Cebú
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Boy is riding with Cebú
Larry: Into town in his canoe
(Sheet shows a closeup of the boy and his Sick Cebú.)
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Into town in his canoe
(Sheet shows four drawings of the Sick Cebú sneezing.)
Larry: Sick Cebú is rowing and sneezing. Achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo moo moo.
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo moo moo.
(Sheet shows a drawing of the Hippo chewing on bamboo sticks.)
Larry: Hippo chewing on bamboo
(Sheet shows a drawing of the boy and his three Cebú rowing past the Hippo; his back turned towards them.)
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Hippo chewing on bamboo
(Sheet shows the first drawing of the boy and his three Cebú rowing in their canoe.)
Larry: Can't see boy and three Cebú
(Sheet shows a closeup of the boy and his Hippo; they can't see each other.)
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Can't see boy and three Cebú
(Sheet shows six drawings of the Sad Cebú crying.)
Larry: Sad Cebú is rowing and crying. Boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo moo moo.
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo moo moo.
Larry: Cebú!
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Cebú!
Larry: Cebú!
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Cebú!
All: Achoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, achoo moo moo, boo-hoo moo moo, Cebú!
(Sheet shows a drawing of the Mute Cebú turning his attention towards the Hippo.)
Larry: Hippo seen by Mute Cebú.
(Sheet shows the closeup of the boy and his Hippo; their backs still turned toward each other.)
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Hippo seen by Mute Cebú.
(Sheet shows a drawing of the Mute Cebú pointing towards the Hippo.)
Larry: Tries to tell the other two.
(Sheet shows a drawing of the Mute Cebú gesturing at the other Cebú.)
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Tries to tell the other two.
(Sheet shows a drawing of the Mute Cebú waving a red flag in his right hoof and a yellow flag in his left hoof; then four more drawings of him grunting and grabbing his ears.)
Larry: Mute Cebú is waving and grunting Mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm, mmm-hmm mmm mmm mmm mmm.
(Suddenly, a squeak is heard. Jimmy, Jerry & Junior look around in confusion as Larry tries to fix the slide projector.)
Larry: Uh-oh.
(Archibald comes back in.)
Archibald: Wait! What happens next?
Larry: Um ...
Archibald: Does the hippo see them? Is the poor Mute Cebú successful in communicating the imminent danger to the other passengers? Is the boy injured? Why is the Sad Cebú sad? Is the canoe wood or aluminum?
(Larry continues fixing the slide projector until it displays a new photo.)
Larry: Oh look! (The photo shows him and Cricket at Sea World, with The Peach in the background wearing scuba gear. A dolphin is playing with Bob. Larry is blocked by Archibald.) There's me and Bob at Sea World! (He displays another photo, which is shown offscreen.) Oh, wow.
Jimmy, Jerry, & Junior: Oooh!
Larry: Forgot about that one. (He displays another photo, which is the one showing him and the bull again.) There's me and that bull again. (The sheet goes blank again.)
Archibald: You can't just start a song and leave it hanging like that! (Sheet shows the photo of Larry and his Aunt Ruth again.) You know, I've come to expect a lot more from you. (Sheet shows the first drawing of the boy again.) This is quite disappointing! (Sheet shows the photo of Larry and Bob at the airport again.) I'm going to have to speak to Bob about this.
(Sheet shows a drawing of a water buffalo.)
Larry: Oh look, a cebú!
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: Cebú!
(Scene changes back to the title card.)
Larry (OS): No, wait ... that's a water buffalo.
Jimmy, Jerry & Junior: No more song about Cebú!
Need another verse or two!
Audience is standing and leaving, Bye-bye moo, bye-bye moo, bye-bye moo, bye-bye moo moo moo moo.
Jimmy: (to Jerry) I want my money back!
Jerry: Yeah, that'd be ... that'd be good.
#5 - The Song of the Cebú[]
Do the Moo Shoo[]
Contraption: Number 4: The Song of the Water Buffalo Who Don't Love Cebu with Yodeling Lips.
Pa Grape: Wait a minute!! Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen. It appears we're experiencing technical difficulties once again. Buy me some time.
Mr. Lunt: (confused) Huh?
Larry: What are we supposed to do?
Pa Grape: I don't know. Think of something! Come up with another one of those Silly Songs you're so famous for!
Larry: But... I didn't prepare anything.
Pa Grape: (frustrated) Oh for Pete's sake! (Picks up a Chinese menu) Here, use this.
(Do the Moo Shoo)
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Chicken!
Mr. Lunt: Kung Pao
Larry: Chicken!
Mr. Lunt: Mongolian
Larry: Chicken!
Mr. Lunt: Sweet and sour
Larry: Chicken!
Mr. Lunt: Cashew
Larry: Chicken!
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Do the Moo Shoo!
Moo Shoo Moo Moo Moo Moo Moo Shoo
Moo Moo Shoo Moo Moo Moo Moo Shoo Shoo!
Do the Moo Shoo!
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Larry: Mandarin
Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Larry: Barbecued
Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Larry: Sweet and sour
Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Larry: Spicy shredded
Mr. Lunt: Pork!
Pork!
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Do the Tofu!
Tofu fu fu Tofu Tofu fu
Tofu fu Tofu fu fu Tofu
Mr. Lunt: Stop!!! Break a fortune cookie!
Larry: (opens it and reads) "Beware of grape with wooden mallet."
Mr. Lunt: Ain't that the truth.
Pa Grape: (Hits the machine one last time) That oughta do it. Nice try, but I don't think it'll make the countdown.
#4 - His Cheeseburger[]
Contraption: Number 4: His Cheeseburger.
Mr. Lunt: He said to her, "I'd like a cheeseburger, and I might like a milkshake as well."
She said to him, "I can't give you either." And he said, "Isn't this Burger Bell?"
She said, "Yes it is but we're closed now, but we open tomorrow at 10."
He said, " I am extremely hungry, but I guess I can wait until then."
Cuz you're his cheeseburger. His yummy cheeseburger.
He'll wait for you, yeah, he'll wait for you.
Oh, you are his cheeseburger. His tasty cheeseburger.
He'll wait for you. Oh, he will wait for you.
(changes to morning)
Mr. Lunt: He stayed at the drive-thru till sunrise. He may have dozed off once or twice.
When he spotted a billboard for Denny's, bacon and eggs for half price.
How could he resist such an offer? He really needed something to munch.
Cheeseburger please do not get angry, he'll eat and be back here for lunch.
Cuz you're his cheeseburger. His precious cheeseburger.
Be back for you. He'll be back for you.
Won't be so long cheeseburger. Oh, lovely cheeseburger.
Be back for you. Oh, he'll be back for you.
Cuz he loves you cheeseburger with all his heart.
And there ain't nothin' gonna tear you two apart.
And if the world suddenly ran out of cheese,
he would get down on his hands and knees
to see if someone accidentally dropped some cheese in the dirt. And he would wash it off for you, wipe it off for you, clean that dirty cheese off just for you!!! You are his cheeseburger.
#3 - Love My Lips[]
Contraption: Number 3: Love My Lips.
The Announcer: One day while talking with Dr. Archibald, Larry confronts one of his deepest fears.
Larry the Cucumber: If my lips ever left my mouth,
packed a bag and headed south,
that'd be too bad,
I'd be so sad.
Archibald Asparagus: I see. That'd be too bad, you'd be so sad?
Larry the Cucumber: That'd be too bad.
Archibald Asparagus: Alrighty.
Larry the Cucumber: If my lips said, "Adios,
I don't like you, I think you're gross."
That'd be too bad.
I might get mad.
Archibald Asparagus: Hmm... That'd be too bad, you might get mad?
Larry the Cucumber: That'd be too bad.
Archibald Asparagus: Fascinating!
Larry the Cucumber: If my lips moved to Duluth,
left a mess and took my tooth,
that'd be too bad.
I'd call my dad.
Archibald Asparagus: Oh dear! That'd be too bad, you'd call your dad?
Larry the Cucumber: That'd be too bad.
Archibald Asparagus: Hold it! Did you say your father? Fascinating! So what you're saying is if your lips left you ...
Larry the Cucumber: That'd be too bad,
I'd be so sad,
I might get mad,
I'd call my dad.
That be too bad.
Archibald Asparagus: That'd be too bad?
Larry the Cucumber: That'd be too bad.
Archibald Asparagus: Why?
Larry the Cucumber: 'Cause I love my lips! [Scatting] bbbbbbbb........
Archibald Asparagus: Oh my. This is more serious than I thought. Larry, what do you see here?
Larry the Cucumber: Um, that looks like a lip.
Archibald Asparagus: What about this?
Larry the Cucumber: It's a lip!
Archibald Asparagus: And this?
Larry the Cucumber: It's a lip. It's a lip. It's a lip. Lip. Lip. It's a lip. It's a lip. It's a lip. Lip. Lip. It's a lip. It's a lip. It's a lip. Lip. Lip. Liiiiiiiiiiiips! Lip. Lip. Lip.
Archibald Asparagus: Larry, tell me about your childhood.
Larry the Cucumber: When I was just two years old
I left my lips out in the cold.
And they turned blue.
What could I do?
Archibald Asparagus: Oh dear. They turned blue, what could you do?
Larry the Cucumber: Oh they turned blue.
Archibald Asparagus: I see.
Larry the Cucumber: On the day I got my tooth,
I had to kiss my Great Aunt Ruth.
She had a beard.
And it felt weird.
Archibald Asparagus: My, my. She had a beard, and it felt weird?
Larry the Cucumber: She had a beard.
Archibald Asparagus: Oh.
Larry the Cucumber: Ten days after I turned eight
got my lips stuck in a gate!
My friends all laughed.
And I just stood there until the fire department came and broke the lock with a crow bar and I had to spend the next six weeks in lip rehab with this kid named Oscar who got stung by a bee, right on the lip! And we couldn't even talk to each other until the fifth week because both our lips were so swollen, and when he did start speaking he just spoke Polish and I only knew like three words in Polish except now I know four because Oscar taught me the word for lip: Usta!
Archibald Asparagus: Your friends all laughed... Usta... How do you spell that?
Larry the Cucumber: I don't know.
Archibald Asparagus: So what you're saying is that when you were young ...
Larry the Cucumber: They turned blue.
What could I do?
She had a beard
and it felt weird.
My friends all laughed... Usta!
Archibald Asparagus: I'm confused...
Larry the Cucumber: I love my lips! (scatting) bbbbbbbb........
The Announcer: This has been Silly Songs with Larry. Tune in next time to hear Larry say ...
Larry the Cucumber: Have I ever told you how I feel about my nose?
Archibald Asparagus: Oh, look at the time!
(Larry the Cucumber scatting)
Before #2[]
Pa Grape: There are only two Silly Songs left, and we're still in it! One song will go home the loser, the other will go home as the silliest Silly Song ever! And the loser is...
Contraption: Number 2: The Pirates Who Don't...
Pa Grape: Hold it! Stop the countdown!!! Maybe we didn't collect all the votes!
Mr. Lunt: What are you talking about?
Larry: Sure we did!
Pa Grape: No, maybe we didn't! Did you remember to check the closet?
Larry: There's nothing in the clo...
Pa Grape: Eh!!! Maybe there's more votes in the closet! (goes off screen. We hear chattering and a cat is screeching. Pa comes back with a bag labeled Official Votes) Oh, look!
Mr. Lunt: Wait a minute.
Larry: (suspicious) What's going on?
Pa Grape: (innocently) We cannot allow our own negligence to violate the will of the people. (throws the bag into the machine)
Mr. Lunt: Hey, I smell something fishy.
Pa Grape: That's your friend.
Larry: Kung pao squid?
Mr. Lunt: Ah... No.
Contraption: Number 2!
Mr. Lunt: Hold it!!
Larry: Somebody has a confession to make, don't they?
Mr. Lunt: Don't they?
Pa Grape: (sad) Okay, okay, I rigged the election!! That last bag of votes weren't official votes at all. They were all phony votes for our song!
Larry: I'm appalled!
Mr. Lunt: I'm disgusted! You disgraced the proud title of pirate!! Eh... No wait. Maybe not.
Pa Grape: I'm sorry. It's just that (Mr. Lunt) you've got your "Cheeseburger Song" (Larry) and you've got everything else and... Well, that song is all I had!
Mr. Lunt: Well, number two is nothing to sneeze at.
Larry: Yeah, that's really good.
Pa Grape: (sniffs) You think so?
Mr. Lunt: Oh, yeah. It sure beats the Forgive-O-Matic.
Scallion #1: (off screen, opens door) I heard that! (closes door)
Pa Grape: Huh... I guess you're right. It is nothing to sneeze at! Will you guys forgive me?
Larry/Mr. Lunt: Okay, all right! You bet. We'll forgive you.
Pa Grape: Astonishing Contraption of Silliness, will you forgive me?
Contraption: Yes!
Pa Grape: Oh, good.
Contraption: Don't let it happen again!
Pa Grape: All right all ready. Okay, let's set the record straight.
#2 - The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything[]
Contraption: Number 2: The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything.
All three: We are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything We just stay home and lie around And if you ask us to do anything We'll just tell you...
Larry: We don't do anything!
Pa: Well, I've never been to Greenland and I've never been to Denver And I've never buried treasure in St. Louis or St. Paul And I've never been to Moscow and I've never been to Tampa And I've never been to Boston in the fall.
All: Cuz we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything We just stay home and lie around And if you ask us to do anything We'll just tell you...
Lunt: We don't do anything.
And I never hoist the mainstay and I never swab the poop deck And I never veer to starboard cuz I never sail at all And I've never walked the gang plank and I've never owned a parrot And I've never been to Boston in the fall
All: Cuz we're the Pirates Who Don't Do Anything We just stay at home and lie around And if you ask us to do anything We'll just tell you...
"We don't do anything!"
Larry: Well, I've never plucked a rooster and I'm not too good at ping-pong And I've never thrown my mashed potatoes up against the wall And I've never kissed a chipmunk and I've never gotten head lice And I've never been to Boston in the fall!
Pa: Huh? What are you talking about? What's a rooster and mashed potatoes have to do with being a pirate?
Lunt: Hey, that's right! We're supposed to sing about pirate-y things!
Larry: Oh...
Pa: And who's ever kissed a chipmunk? That's just nonsense! Why even bring it up? Am I right? What do you think?
Lunt: I think you look like Cap'n Crunch!
Pa: Huh? No I don't!
Lunt: Do too.
Pa: Do not!
Lunt: You're making me hungry.
Pa: That's it, you're walkin' the plank!
Lunt: Says who?
Pa: Says the Captain, that's who!
Lunt: Oh, yeah? Aye aye, Cap'n Crunch! Hee hee hee hee.
Pa: Arrrrgh!
Lunt: Yikes!
Larry: And I've never licked a spark plug and I've never sniffed a stink bug And I've never painted daisies on a big red rubber ball And I've never bathed in yogurt and I don't look good in leggings...
Pa: You just don't get it!
All: And we've never been to Boston in the fall!
Pa: Pass the chips!
#1 - The Hairbrush Song[]
Pa Grape: And now, the silliest Silly Song of all time!
Contraption: Number 1: The Hairbrush Song!
The Announcer: Our curtain opens as Larry, having just finished his morning bath, is searching for his hairbrush. Having no success, Larry cries out...
Larry: Oh, wheeee-ere is my hair-brush? Oh, wheeee-ere is my hair-brush? Oh where, oh where, Oh where, oh where Oh where, oh where, Oh where, oh where, oh wheeee-ere...is my hair-brush?
Announcer: (continues narrating) Having heard his cry, Pa Grape enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a towel, Pa regains his composure and reports ...
Pa: I think I saw a hairbrush back there! (He leaves.)
Larry: Back theeee-ere is my hair-brush. Back there is my hair-brush. Back there, back there, Oh where, back there, Oh where, oh where, Back there, back there, Back theeee-ere...is my hair-brush
Announcer: (narrating; cntd.) Having heard his joyous proclamation, Junior Asparagus enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a towel, Junior regains his composure and comments ...
Junior: Why do you need a hairbrush? You don't have any hair! (He leaves.)
Announcer: (narrating; cntd.) Larry is taken aback. The thought had never occurred to him. No hair? What would this mean? What will become of him? What will become of his hairbrush? Larry wonders ...
Larry: No hair for my hairbrush. No hair for my hairbrush. No hair, no hair, no where, no hair, no hair, no hair, no where, back there, no hair... for my hairbrush!
Announcer: (narrating; cntd.) Having heard his wonderings, Bob the Tomato enters the scene. Shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of Larry in a towel, Bob regains his composure and confesses ...
Bob: Larry, that old hairbrush of yours... Well, you never use it, you don't really need it. So, well, I'm sorry... I didn't know. But I gave it to the Peach - 'cause he's got hair! (He leaves.)
Announcer: (narrating; cntd.) Feeling a deep sense of loss, Larry stumbles back and laments...
Larry: Not fair for my hairbrush. Not fair! My poor hairbrush. Not fair, not fair, no hair, not fair, no where, back there, not fair, not fair, not fair! My little hairbrush!
Announcer: (narrating; cntd.) Having heard his lament, the Peach enters the scene. Himself in a towel, both Larry and the Peach are shocked and slightly embarrassed at the sight of...each other. But recognizing Larry's generosity, the Peach is thankful ...
Peach: Thanks for the hair-brush!
Announcer: (narrating) Yes, good has been done here. The Peach exits the scene. Larry smiles, but, still feeling an emotional attachment for the hairbrush, calls out ...
Larry: Take care of my hairbrush. Take care, oh my hairbrush. Take care, take care, don't dare not care, take care, nice hair, no fair, take care, take care ... of my hairbrush!
Announcer: (ending his narration) The end!
(Applause; the audience throws flowers on stage. Fade back to the Pirates as the episode ends.)
Ending[]
Pa Grape: Well, that's it! The great Silly Song Countdown is complete!
Larry: Thanks for voting, everyone! You guys are great!
Mr. Lunt: Yeah, thanks!
(Larry walks up to the camera)
Larry: Kung pao squid?
(Silly Song Remix Medley starts as the credits roll)
Larry: Cebu! Sing it with me! Cebu!
Jimmy, Jerry and Junior: Cebu!
Larry: Boy is riding with cebu
Jimmy, Jerry and Junior: Boy is riding with cebu
Larry: Into town in his canoe
Jimmy, Jerry and Junior: Into town in his canoe
Larry: Sick cebu is rowing and sneezing. Achoo moo moo Cebu! Achoo moo moo!
Jimmy, Jerry and Junior: Cebu!
Larry: Achoo moo moo!
Barbara Manatee.
Backup Singers: Manatee, Manatee.
Larry: You are the one for me.
Backup Singers: One for me, one for me.
Larry: Sent from up above.
Backup Singers: Up above, up above.
Larry: You are the one I love.
Backup Singers: Barbara, oh Barbara.
Pa Grape, Mr. Lunt & Larry: We are The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything. We just stay home and lie around. And if you ask us to do anything. We'll just tell you ...
Larry: We don't do anything!
This is a song, for your poor sick penguin.
He has a fever and his toes are blue.
But if I sing to your poor sick penguin,
he will feel better, in a day or two.
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-eee-ooo.
Yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hee yodel-leh-hoo.
Ya-de ya-de ya-de ya-de ya-de-doo!
If my lips moved to Duluth,
left a mess and took my tooth,
that'd be too bad.
I'd call my dad.
Archibald: Oh dear! That'd be too bad,
you'd call your dad?
Larry: That'd be too bad.
Archibald: Hold it!
Larry: Oh, where is my hairbrush? (2x) Oh, where (9x) ...is my hairbrush?
Larry: Miren al pepino
Bob: "Watch the cucumber"
Larry: Vean como se mueve
Bob: "see how he moves"
Larry: como un león
Bob: "like a lion"
Larry: tras un ratón.
Bob: "chasing a mouse."
Larry: Miren al pepino
Bob: "Watch the cucumber"
Larry: Sus suaves movimientos
Bob: "Oh, how smooth his motion"
Larry: tal como mantequilla
Bob: "like butter"
Larry: en un chango pelón.
Bob: "on a ... bald monkey."
Larry: Everybody's got a water buffalo.
Yours is fast, but mine is slow.
Oh where'd we get them, I don't know,
but everybody's got a water buffalo-oooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Mr. Lunt: He said to her, "I'd like a cheeseburger and I might like a milkshake as well."
She said to him, "I can't give you either." And he said, "Isn't this Burger Bell?"
She said," Yes it is but we're closed now but we open tomorrow at 10."
He said, " I am extremely hungry but I guess I can wait until then."
Cause you're his cheeseburger.
His yummy cheeseburger.
He'll wait for you, yeah.
He will wait for you.
Oh, you are his cheeseburger.
His tasty cheeseburger.
He'll wait for you.
Oh, he will wait for you.
Archibald: One day, while he was waiting for the trolley, he had a hat.
Larry: My high silk hat.
Archibald: He wore it high upon his head so proudly, a beautiful hat.
A hat like this just makes him feel so grandly.
Now fancy this and fancy that.
The splendor of his hat in all its majesty.
Larry: Like a king, in a royal cap!
I feel so swell and handsome in my hat.
I bet that others wish they had in fact-
Archibald and Larry: A hat as this, a hat as that, a hat so high, a high silk hat!
Larry: Oh, Mister Art Bigotti, now whaddya think of that?
(The Credits finish on as the song finishes) (End of transcript)