This is an episode transcript for The Star of Christmas.
(We fade into Cavis Appythart (Bob) and Millward Phelps (Larry) looking at one of their ad's for Durling's Dental Wax. Cavis is noticeably upset.)
Millward: It's beautiful, isn't it? Another job well done!
Millward: What's wrong, Cavis?
Cavis: Our careers are going nowhere, Millward.
Millward: But our work is up over London! Little children are singing our song and...
Cavis: We're not making a difference. Look at this.
(Millward looks at a newspaper.)
Millward: Ooh, a sale on crumpets!
Cavis: No, not that. The rest of it.
(Millward looks at the rest of the newspaper, seeing that all of the articles are of negative topics, including crime and bad weather.)
Cavis: This isn't a happy place, Millward. I wanted our songs to bring joy and love like respectable songwriters. If I could do one thing, just one thing, I'd teach all of London to love! Is that so much? But how? But how?
(Cavis looks over to see an ad in the newspaper that says:
"Inventions While-U-Wait: Are you the creative type? Do you have great ideas? Do you need help with your business? No need to worry! Seymour Schwenk Esq.")
Cavis: (gasps) Millward, I have an idea. Ooh! The best idea I've ever had!
Millward: Better than this silly mustache?
Cavis: This is the break we've been waiting for!
Millward: I'm with ya, Cavis!
Cavis: And just in time for Christmas!
(We pan into a picture on the newspaper depicting London from a bird's eye view. As the black-and-white picture fades into a full-color scene, titles read "Big Idea Productions presents". This blows away like snow to reveal the title. As we fly over London, we pan downwards to reveal a giant theater, with a sign saying "The Princess and the Plumber - Opening Christmas Eve!". Cavis, Millward, and Mr. Nezzer are in front of the theater.)
Cavis: (to Mr. Nezzer) It'll be great, sir! Uh, thank you again, sir! I don't know how we could repay you, heh, heh..sir?
Mr. Nezzer: Don't worry, I'll think of something. So long, Cavis. Millward. (walks away)
Millward: Bye, Uncle Nezzer!
Cavis: Millward, is Seymour here yet?
Millward: No, not yet, Cavis.
Cavis: He said he'd be here, right?
Cavis: He's never been late before...right?
Cavis: When's the last time you saw him?
Cavis: Maybe the new invention didn't work! Maybe he sold it to someone else! M-m-maybe it blew up!!
(Suddenly, they both hear Seymour (Pa Grape) speeding through town in his rocket car, as people dash out of the way screaming.)
Seymour: Out of the way! Out of the way! Sorry! One side, one side! Woah, look out there!
(Seymour finally parks the rocket car in front of the theater.)
Millward: Did you finish it?
Cavis: Yeah Seymour, did ya bring it?
Seymour: Yep, here she is!
(Seymour gets off the rocket car. Millward is amazed, while Cavis is not too impressed.)
Millward: (gasps) It's amazing! So how does it work again?
Seymour: Rocket power! You're looking at the 1st place winner in the queen's horseless carriage competition.
Millward: (gasps) You won?!
Seymour: Uh, no. But I will! Next week!
Millward: That's great!
Cavis: Uh, Seymour?
Seymour: Now the Germans are working on an internal combustion engine.
Seymour: As if. And there's my friend Stanley with his steamer. Fat chance! No, rocket power! That's the way it's gonna go.
(Seymour bumps one of the engines in the back, which sends off a spark flying offscreen.)
Woman: (O.S.) Yeowch!
Millward: Can I take it for a spin?
Seymour: Heh, be my guest.
Millward: Yes, Cavis?
Cavis: Look at that poster over there. (gestures towards the poster behind him)
Millward: That poster?
Cavis: Yes, Millward, that poster. What does it say?
Millward: "The Princess and The Plumber: A Musical Spectacular!"
Cavis: Uh-huh. And what does it say under the title, Millward?
Millward: "By Cavis Appythart and Millward Phelps." That's us!
Cavis: Yes! That's us, Millward. And when does it say the show opens?
Millward: "Christmas Eve." (gasps) Just 3 days!
Cavis: That's right, Millward. The show opens in 3 days. But there's a little problem with that, Millward, isn't there?
Cavis: You haven't finshed writing it yet!!
Millward: Oh yeah. Well, I'm stuck on a rhyme.
Cavis: (to Seymour) He's stuck on a rhyme.
Seymour: (whispering to self) Possum...
Cavis: Seymour, did you bring the equipment?
Seymour: Uh, yeah! It's right here. (hands Millward a box)
Cavis: Millward, I need you to write that script. I need you to write like the wind!
Millward: I'll try.
Cavis: No! We're not gonna try, Millward! No, we're gonna do it this time! We've never had a chance like this, Millward. If your uncle didn't like you so much, he would have never let us use his theater. But if the show doesn't work, we'll be back to writing ad copies for Durling's Dental Wax. I'm not going back, Millward. No! This is our chance and we're gonna take it!
(As Cavis, Millward and Seymour enter the office on the side of the building, Cavis starts singing.)
Cavis: This is our big break, we may never get a chance again. It's our big break so we're gonna do it right! It's our big break, the peas are gonna dance again. It's our big break, just like opening night!
Millward: So what's in the box?
Cavis: Ah, Millward! In this modern age it isn't enough just to have a great story anymore. Nooo! You need to show the audience something they've never seen before!
Millward: You've got a monkey that can yodel?!
Cavis: ...no, Millward. Electric lights! (opens box to reveal rows of light-bulbs) Spectacle's the name of the game!
Millward: Woah, cool! But doesn't the Royal Theater across town already have electric lights?
Cavis: Sure, on the building, that's easy! But we're gonna give 'em something that's never been done! We're gonna string electric lights on the scenery itself!
Millward: Wow! (to Seymour) Can you do that?
Seymour: It's a bit of a fire hazard bu-
Cavis: (interrupting Seymour) But when you get your big break, sometimes you gotta take big chances! Right, Winston?
(Winston (Jean-Claude) is at his desk answering phone calls.)
Winston: That's right, Monsieur Appythart!
Cavis: Cause it’s our big break!
Seymour: So we're gonna take a chance again!
Cavis: It’s our big break cause we’re running out of time!
Millward: It's our big break!
Cavis: Yeah, they want extravagance, my friend!
Millward: It's our big break!
Cavis: Now go find that rhyme! (pushes Millward onto his writing desk) Say, Winston, any luck with the Crown Prince?
Winston: (to Cavis quietly) I'm talking to him right now. (to the prince on the phone) Hello, Prince!
Seymour: You mean the crown prince? Prince Frederick?!
Cavis: Indeed! Heir to the throne, and England's number 1 theater critic—a good word from him and the show's sure to succeed!
Seymour: Ah! So is he coming?
Cavis: Ah huh...he-he will be, as soon as he hears what a spectacle is it and that it stars his favorite actress, Miss Effie Pickering.
(Cavis gestures towards a picture of Effie Pickering (Madame Blueberry) on the wall.)
Seymour: Huh? Effie Pickering is in your musical?
Cavis: Well-hehehehe, not yet exactly.
Winston: But she is in his office.
Cavis and Seymour: What?
(Cavis and Seymour look towards Cavis' office door. We then cut to Effie Pickering waiting, as Cavis walks in.)
Cavis: (clears his throat) Miss Pickering, its so good of you to come.
Effie Pickering: Let's cut to the chase, Monsieur Appletart.
Cavis: Eh-heh, Appythart.
Effie Pickering: Oui. You have 2 minutes to convince me I should be in this musical, "The Princess and the Plum."
(Chuckling, Cavis starts to stutter.)
Cavis: It's "The Princess and The Plumber." A plum is-is-is a fruit, while a plumber is a skilled laborer who works on, uh...pipes.
Effie Pickering: Ze clock is ticking!
Cavis: Oh, right! Well, it's a wonderful story about a sad princess and kindly plumber and the power of love.
(Effie Pickering starts to get bored.)
Cavis: You see, on the night before Christmas, the princess's sink backs up and so, of course, she calls the plumber. Now unbeknownst to the plumber, the princess's pipes are magic pipes!
(This sparks Effie Pickering's interest.)
Cavis: So as he's working them on Christmas Eve..
Winston: ...he is visited by the 4 fairy peas of Christmas!
(Four peas wearing flower hats with light-bulbs on them start dancing on a table.)
Fairy peas: Oh, we are the fairy peas! We like to eat strawberry cheese. Oh, we are the fairy peas of Christmas!
Millward: Oh, that's a good one.
Cavis: (continuing) And, and, the Sugar Plumber Fairy. (chuckles) Get it?
(Effie Pickering is not impressed by his joke.)
Winston: No sir, I don't really get it either, but it will have electric lights!!
Effie Pickering: Ze Royal Theater has electric lights too. (takes bite out of cookie)
Cavis: On the scenery?!
(This surprises Effie Pickering, as she does a spit take, slightly startling Cavis.)
Effie Pickering: Can you do zat?
Cavis: Oh yeah.
Effie Pickering: Well, will ze crown prince be there? Because you know zis show will fail without a good word from ze crown prince.
Cavis: Ohhoho, but of course! He'll be...uh. He'll defintely be......I'll be right back.
(Cavis dashes out of his office.)
Winston: Effie Pickering? Oh oui, she's your favorite, I know, oh oui, she would be...most definitely.....
(Cavis is staring at him.)
Winston: Please hold!!
(Winston hops away his from desk hurriedly. Meanwhile, Millward is still working on a rhyme for "possum".)
(As Millward is coming up with rhymes, Cavis and Winston discuss whether or not the Prince and/or Effie Pickering are coming.)
Cavis: Tell me the prince is coming!
Winston: If Miss Pickering is in, ze Prince is in.
Cavis: Well, if the prince is in, I think Miss Pickering is in. So you get the prince, and then I'll get Miss Pickering!
Winston: Okay, and you get ze pickering so that I can get ze prince!
(Both go back to their workstations.)
Millward: Flo-ssom? Cro-ssom? Tra-la-la-la-la-ssom?
Cavis: (entering office) Oh ho, rest assured! Prince Frederick will definitely be there!
Effie Pickering: Hhmmmm... Very intresting, Monsieur Applecart. Let me give some thought.
Cavis: Appythart...So you’ll, uh...call me tomorrow?
Effie Pickering: Zat is enough. I will be in ze show, with ze lights and ze plums and ze peas.
Cavis: Oh ho ho ho, hey that's great!!
Winston: So you will come? Fantastic! You will not be sorry! (hangs up phone)
(As Cavis is walking her to the door, he is explaining why his play will change London, much to Miss Pickering's annoyance.)
Cavis: And the best thing is, that it's all for a good cause. You see, I've noticed that people in this town don't always seem to love each other well.
Cavis: And it's my theory that a big spectacular show filled with beauty, and...and electric lights...well, it'll teach London how to love!!
Effie Pickering: I don't rehearse before 10 a.m. and I don't work with animals or children. Good day, Monsieur Appletoot.
(Effie Pickering leaves, as Cavis closes the door behind her.)
Cavis: Eh heh heh...eh, Appythart! We did it, she's in!! Ha ha! (to Winston) The Prince?
Winston: He's coming!
Cavis: This is great. Now, all we need is that rhyme!
(Cavis and Winston are elated.)
Cavis: Oh plumber, you dropped your possum. Yes, princess, I think it is true! I was hoping our love might blossom, but the possum is eating my shoe!
Cavis: Gold, Millward! That's gold!
(Cavis and Millward start walking out of their office.)
Cavis: It's our first big break and if the show is really pretty...
Millward: It's our first big break!
Cavis: Then I do believe!..
Millward: Our first big break!
Cavis: That we're gonna show the city how to really love, starting Christmas Eve!
(Cavis and Millward look up at the front of the theater.)
Cavis: (gasps) It's going just as I hoped.
(As they're admiring the theater, Cavis backs up and runs into a pole with an advertisement for a Christmas pageant.)
Cavis: Wha? "All New Christmas Production. Saint Bart's Church. Christmas Eve?"
(This confuses them both. As we zoom into the poster, we fade into St. Bart's Church, as Edmund (Junior) is giving out posters to spread around town.)
Edmund: Ok, you've got Charles Street, Cross Street, Carnaby and Pudding lane.
Annie: (sighs) That'll take all day!
Edmund: Well, then pack a lunch!
(Annie walks off, as Laura Carrot comes in carrying a cutout of a haystack.)
Laura: Edmund, I can't carry anymore! I need a break.
Edmund: A break?! You don't stage the biggest Christmas pageant London has ever seen by takin' a break!!
(Angrily, Laura walks off. Percy Pea comes in dressed as a sheep.)
Percy: Edmund, I don't think I can be a sheep.
Edmund: Why not?
Percy: I think I'm allergic to-ca-ca-a-choo! (a cotton ball flies off of Percy) Cotton balls.
Edmund: Wear a clothespin on your nose. You'll be fine.
Percy: Ohhhhhh...... (walks off)
(Reverend Gilbert (Dad Asparagus) comes in holding a bag of bread.)
Rev. Gilbert: How's it going, Edmund?
Edmund: Pretty good, Dad! We're a little behind schedule but if you could help out I'm sure we could catch up!
Rev. Gilbert: Edmund, a Christmas pageant doesn't have to be a huge spectacle, you know. The story of Christmas is so simple, so powerful. Sometimes a simple presentation is the best way to let the message shine through.
Edmund: Oh, it's gonna shine all right! I've got about 20 pounds of glitter! Do ya think that's enough?
Rev. Gilbert: Well, I'd love to help but I've got an errand to run. There's a family across town. They're out of work. They don't have any food for Christmas. I'm taking them some groceries.
Edmund: Oh Dad, do you have to do it now? The pageant!
Rev. Gilbert: Isn't as important as helping people in need, Edmund! That's what God did on Christmas. He came to us to help us and to show us how much he loved us. "And she shall give birth to a son and they shall call him Emmanuel, God with us." I wanna show this family the love God showed us. Then I'll be back.
Edmund: ...alright. But bring more glitter, ok?
Rev. Gilbert: Oh, by the way, the church committee met and they decided that you could use the Star of Christmas in your pageant if you're very careful with it. Moyer will put it in the cabinet by the side table for you.
Edmund: Oh, thanks, Dad! This is gonna be great!!
(On his way out, Rev. Gilbert runs into Cavis.)
Rev. Gillbert: Oh! Excuse me, sir.
Cavis: Oh! E-excuse me!
(Cavis looks around the church for a few seconds, then leaves.)
Cavis: It's just- Just a bunch of kids putting on a church play. Heh, heh, heh. I don't know why I was so worried. After all, I am a big-time producer, twice awarded for exemplary work in the dental wax industry! Wonder what a Star of Christmas is anyway?
(As Cavis is talking to himself, Arthur Hollingshead (Archibald Asparagus) overhears him.)
Arthur Hollingshead: Beg pardon, were you asking about the Star of Christmas?
Cavis: Uh, yeah?
Arthur Hollingshead: Yes indeed, the Star of Christmas of Canterbury. One of the finest existing examples of 6th century metalwork. Given by Saint Gregory the Great to the monks of Canterbury August 14, 592. This astonishing gold-and-silver five-point star later decorated the courts of King Edward the Confessor, William the Conqueror and James the Lethargic before coming to rest in the church you see behind you in 1638. (breathes) Why do you ask?
Cavis: Well, it's nothing, really. They're just gonna use it in a-in a, uh, Christmas pageant.
Arthur Hollingshead: Good heavens! Are you certain?
Cavis: Uh, y-yeah?
Arthur Hollingshead: That's astonishing! The star hasn't been publicly displayed since February 12, 1803, due to the perceived security risks from the reigns of King Charles the Greedy and Cedric the "I'll-Eat-Anything-Star-Shaped". That's big news!!
Cavis: Who are you, again?
Arthur Hollingshead: Arthur Hollingshead, reporter for The London Post Gazette. Young man, you've given me a fine story. Here's tuppence for your trouble.
(Arthur tosses coins at Cavis, which bounce off his face. Arthur then hops away excitedly.)
Arthur Hollingshead: Stop the presses, I've got a dandy! London needs to know about that pageant!
Cavis: Well...well I'm sure a big paper like the Post Gazette is too busy for a story about a little Christmas pageant.
(Jump-cut to Cavis' office. A newspaper lands on his desk that talks about the Church pageant unveiling the Star of Christmas.)
Millward: It says here, "The Star of Christmas hasn't been seen in 79 years." It says, "All respectable citizens will want to be in attendance for the re-unveiling of this priceless artifact at the Christmas pageant at St. Bart's Church on Christmas Eve." Wow, we should go! This sounds great!
Seymour: Hey, that's the same night as your show. Heh, what a coincidence!
Cavis: So this could affect our attendance a bit.
Seymour: A bit? They pretty much said you'd have to be an uncultured swine to miss out on the star!
Cavis: Well, it may not be as bad as you think. What have I said all along?
Seymour: You can't do any heavy lifting. Football injury.
Cavis: No, besides that. What's the other thing I've said all along? You know, "for any show to open successfully..."
Millward: "...you have to have a good word from the crown prince!" I remember!
Cavis: Exactly! All we need for opening night is the prince. He comes, he sees it, he gives it a good word, we're a hit! We've got it made! We don't need an audience, we just need the prince! And unless we hear otherwise, he's coming.
(The phone rings offscreen.)
Millward: I'll get it.
(Millward hops offscreen and answers the phone)
Millward: (O.S.) Hello? Prince Frederick? Oh, hi! Yes? You do? You will? You are?! You won't? I see...all right. Goodbye.
(Millward hangs up the phone and goes back into Cavis' office.)
Millward: That was the prince.
Millward: He loved our work on the dental wax ads, but he's always been a fan of the star. He'll be in the front row...at the church pageant. He's not coming.
(Cavis' eye starts rapidly twitching in fear as we iris out. We then fade to Cavis pacing across the office holding the newspaper.)
Cavis: Okay, we can beat this. We're smarter than this! Got any ideas?
Seymour: I've still got the receipts for the lights and the telephone. Maybe it's not too late to get our money back.
Millward: And-and-and I think I could return the costumes...except for maybe the one Winston spilled mustard on.
(Winston smiles sorrily.)
Cavis: Guys. Guys, this was our big chance! Our big break, remember? We were gonna put on a show so big, so beautiful, so well lit, it was gonna show London how to love. Now maybe that isn't important to you two. Maybe you're thinking, "Oh, there's plenty of love out there. This town is full of love!!!"
(Cavis crumples and tosses the newspaper at Seymour and Millward, as they look ashamed.)
Cavis: Well, if that's what you think, then there's no need for a show like this. And gentlemen, let's be the first to show you the way out!!
(Cavis opens the closet door, confusing Seymour and Millward.)
Cavis: No, wait.
(Cavis opens the correct door shortly afterwards.)
Seymour: Oh Cavis, shut the door. We're with ya!
Cavis: Oh, that's great, guys. The show must go on, right? (chuckles) Okay, we need the prince to see our show, but he's gonna go see the Christmas pageant. So what do we do?
Seymour: Kidnap him! (to Millward) Is that legal?
Millward: Um, no.
Cavis: C'mon, let's think.
Millward: Well, I guess the only way the prince would come to our show is if he thinks it'll be more impressive than the Star of Christmas!
Seymour: Short of kidnapping, which I hear is illegal now!
Cavis: Wait...what'd you say?
Seymour: Short of kidnapping, which-
Cavis: No-no-no! Millward, what'd you say?
Millward: I said the the only way the prince would come is if he thinks our show is more impressive than the Star. Which...it isn't.
Cavis: No, but it could be.
Seymour and Millward: Huh?
Cavis: It's our only chance to save the show, to teach London to love! We've gotta make everything more spectacular! We need bigger songs, bigger sets and most of all.....lots more lights!
(We then cut to the inside of Mr. Nezzer's theater, as Seymour and anonymous peas are busy setting up the stage. Effie Pickering and Jimmy Gourd are onstage, ready to sing. Cavis and Millward are offstage watching.)
Millward: Okay, from the top!
Effie Pickering: Thank you sir for coming, for I think a have a leak.
Jimmy: Show me where the trouble is, I'd like to take a peek.
Effie Pickering: Here beneath the counter is the place where you'll find the trouble!
Jimmy: I'd like to fix it on the double!
Millward: Great, great! (to Cavis) Not bad huh?
Cavis: Not bad at all. Could be bigger, though. (to Seymour) How are we doing on the lights, Seymour?
Seymour: Well, I got more lights, but there's no more room on the scenery.
(As Cavis is thinking, he suddenly notices one of the peas balancing a light-bulb on his nose.)
Cavis: Who says we can only put 'em on the scenery?
Seymour: (chuckles nervously)
Millward: With feeling!
Jimmy: Your pipes are corroded, the water won't drain! Your toilet exploded, you're flushing in vain!
Cavis: Great! Seymour?
(Seymour pushes a button on an electric generator, which causes a pea's costume to flicker and burn out. Then, Seymour plugs the costume into a bigger electric generator, which causes the pea's costume to light up and explode, making the pea dizzy.)
Cavis: Ha. You'll have those working in no time, right Seymour?
Seymour: Eh, sure.
Cavis: Then I think it's time to call the prince! He'll be very excited to hear about this!
(As Cavis walks off, the dizzy pea falls off the stage. We then cut to Cavis calling up the prince.)
Cavis: Heh, it's ringing.
Seymour: Here, put this so I can keep working.
(Seymour hands him a fairy pea hat, which he puts on. Millward and Winston are watching him.)
Cavis: Oh yes, Prince Frederick? Eh-ha, yes, hello. This is Cavis Appythart....the dental wax guy. Yes! (chuckles) Well, you'll be pleased to hear that our show "The Princess and The Plumber" is significantly more impressive now. You might even say it's more impressive than the Star of Christmas. Oh yes!...Well, the songs are bigger. Yeah, and the sets are bigger, and-and, get this, we'll have electric lights on the costumes!
(As Cavis is talking, Seymour is doing everything he can to get the electric generator to work, to the point of whacking it with his wrench.)
Cavis: Ha-ha! Yes, it's-it's never been done before and it's quite impressive!....Yes, sir, I understand...Yes, sir...y...you wanna hear the song? (clears throat) For happy Jills and happy Jacks, use Durling's Famous Dental Wax. Yes, sir, it's a winner. Goodbye, sir. (hangs up phone)
Millward: What'd he say?
Cavis: He said the only way he'd come to our show was if we had a Star of Christmas.
Millward: If we had a Star of Christmas? How could we have a Star of Christmas? There's only one.
Millward: And the Church has it.
Millward: So if there's only one, and they've got it, how could we have a Star of Christmas?
(Suddenly, Cavis gets a devious plan, just as the light on his costume flips on.)
Seymour: Hey, I've got it! What's going on?
(Iris out. We then cut to Rev. Gilbert and Moyer (Scooter) walking through St. Bart's Church late at night.)
Rev. Gilbert: Well Moyer, thanks for helping out with Ladies' Temperance League dinner.
Moyer: Aye, Reverend. For being so temperate, they sure can eat.
Rev. Gilbert: (chuckles) Let's just keep that to ourselves. Say, did you put the Star of Christmas in the cabinet?
Moyer: Aye, sir. But I'm awfully nervous about leaving it out all night. There are desperate characters in this town who'd love to get their hands on it!
Rev. Gilbert: Ho-oh, Moyer. Have faith in your fellow man. Besides, anyone who wanted to have the Star would have to go through you.
Moyer: Ah, well sir...
Rev. Gillbert: Prize fighting champ, 1851 World Exposition.
Moyer: Ah, second runner-up.
Rev. Gillbert: "Moyer the Destroyer"!
Moyer: Aye, but me fighting days are behind me now, way back there.
Rev. Gillbert: Well, we'll lock up the church real tight tonight just to be safe. Good night, Moyer.
Moyer: Good night, Reverend.
(Rev. Gilbert leaves the church, as Moyer locks up. He then goes into his room to sleep. As he closes the door, Cavis pokes his head out looking around.)
Cavis: (whispering) Millward, you're still here?
(He sees Millward kneeling and whispering.)
Cavis: (whispering) What are you doing?
Millward: (whispering) I'm praying to be delivered from the mighty and fearsome hand of Moyer the Destroyer.
Cavis: (quietly) Would you cut that out?! If we don't get that star, our careers in theater are over.
(Cavis and Millward walk out of the pews, and see the box the side table.)
Cavis: (quietly) Oh, that must be it.
Millward: (quietly) I still don't feel very good about stealing the star.
Cavis: (quietly) Oh no-no-no-no-no! We're not stealing the star, we're just borrowing it. As soon as our show opens, we'll bring it right back.
Millward: (quietly) We will?
Cavis: (quietly) Of course! And besides, we're aren't doing this for us, we're doing it for London!
Millward: (quietly) London?
Cavis: (quietly) Absolutely! London needs us to borrow the star, they're practically begging us to borrow the star!
(Millward listens around him for a moment.)
Millward: (quietly) I don't hear 'em.
Cavis: (quietly) Metaphorically speaking. Trust me, it's the right thing to do!
(Cavis opens the box, as we get a P.O.V. of them looking at it.)
Cavis: Wow! Would you look at that?
Millward: ...it looks like a turtle.
Cavis: (quietly) Well yes, I-I-I suppose if you look at it that way, but back then I'm sure it looked like an exquisite star!
Millward: ....it looks like a turtle.
Cavis: (quietly) Listen, Millward, I don't care if it looks like a chicken on a bicycle! This is what the prince wants to see, so this is what we're gonna put in our show!! Now grab it and let's get out of here before we wake up old what's-his-name.
Millward: (quietly) Okay.
(Millward closes the box and carries it with him. However, unbeknownst to him, he got a blanket stuck in the box as he was closing it, carrying some communion plates and candles along with him.)
Cavis: (whispering) Millward, do you hear something?
(Millward stops for a moment to listen.)
Millward: (whispering) I don't hear anything, Cavis.
(He continues on, as Cavis suddenly notices what Millward is carrying, horrified. We cut to the outside of the church, as we hear a loud clatter. A light in one of the church rooms turns on as Moyer wakes up.)
Moyer: Huh? Who goes there?!
Millward: Oh dear!
Cavis: Let's get outta here!
(As they prepare to leave, Moyer walks through the door.)
Moyer: Hey, you there! What do ya think you're doing?! (notices the box in Millward's grasp) (gasps) The Star?! Alright, now I'm angry!!
Millward: It's Moyer the Destroyer!
(Cavis and Millward start charging towards the exit.)
Cavis: Run, Millward!
MIllward: I'm way ahead of ya, Cavis!
Moyer: Get back here, ya chicken-headed hooligans!
Cavis: See ya, Moyer the Destroyer!
Moyer: I'm gonna give ya the what for, ya scallywager raccoons!
(Cavis and Millward bounce against the door as they try to go through it.)
Cavis: They're locked!!
Moyer: Now you'll taste my wrath, ya spiky mulligans!
(Moyer starts charging towards them. Cavis looks around frantically for an exit, and notices a construction site on the other side of the church.)
Cavis: Millward, follow me!
Moyer: I said get back here this instant before I unfurl yer squirrelly toads!
(Cavis and Millward squeeze through the door of the construction site, as Moyer starts chasing after them, up a giant flight of stairs.)
Moyer: Ah! Where ya goin'?! You're not so brave now, you monkey-headed loony dogs! (laughs menacingly)
Millward: He's gonna kill us! He's gonna kill us!! He's gonna kill us!!!
Cavis: No! No! His fighting days are behind him, remember?
Millward: Tell him that!
Moyer: You're gonna be singin' out the other side of your nose when I'm through with ya, ya slimy sea donkeys!
(Cavis and Millward reach a dead end.)
Millward: There's no more stairs!!!! What do we do? What do we do?
Cavis: We need to get out of the roof. I-I think we need to go higher. (notices lift next to him) Hey, this looks like a lift. Look around for a lever or something.
(Cavis steps onto the lift, causing the brick holding it in place to pop off, and causing Cavis to come tumbling down.)
Millward: Something's happening!
Moyer: You'll be burpin' out yer ears, ya dust bunnies! (notices Cavis falling) Heh? You can't get away from me, wee tomato!
(Moyer starts running downstairs as Cavis crashes at the bottom.)
Millward: (gasps) Cavis!! Are you okay?!
(As Millward is checking to make sure he's okay, he bumps into a shelf with bells on it, causing the bells to slide into the other side of the lift, and causing Cavis to come rocketing upwards.)
Moyer: You'll be wailin' louder than me goat-bladder bagpipes, ya haggis-eating turkey-otters! I'll chase ya all the way- (notices Cavis rocketing upwards) Heh? Aye, that's the last straw, yo-yo tomato! I'm gonna yo-yo you 'til yer cryin' for mercy and begging...
(Moyer starts running upstairs again, as Cavis crashes at the top making him dizzy
Millward: Cavis, are you okay? You fell down and then you fell up. Speak to me!
Moyer: I'll put my power-hold on your squishy hide, you cross-eyed sea serpents! I'll knock the plaid out of your synthetic....
Cavis: (noticing ladder) Hey, why didn't I see that before? It leads all the way to that window. Okay Millward, start climbing.
Millward: What? Why do I have to go first?
Cavis: Would you rather stay down here with Moyer the Destroyer?
Millward: I'm on my way.
(Cavis and Millward start climbing the ladder.)
Moyer: Don't even think you can get away! Yer trapped like a bug in the Queen's sticky-buns! Yer trapped like me mother's meatloaf at a church picnic!
Cavis: Millward, keep climbing.
(Millward looks back, causing the ladder to start tilting.)
Millward: He's getting close, Cavis!
Cavis: No no no no no! Don't lean back, Millward!
Millward: He's getting real close, Cavis!
Moyer: Yer trapped like a dog hangin' on to a big, juicy steak that has, itself, somehow become trapped in some way...
(The ladder starts tilting back so far, that Cavis and Millward go flying out of the window on the opposite side of the bell tower.)
Cavis and Millward: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!
(We then cut to a laundry person (Scallion #3) carrying a cart of laundry bags.)
Laundry Person: Why does everyone want their laundry picked up at night all of a sudden?
(As Cavis and Millward continue falling, they eventually land in the laundry cart, along with the box. They start rolling down the street.)
Cavis: You okay? Well, who would have thought we could fall of the bell tower and live to tell about it? (starts laughing)
Millward: Crazy, huh? (laughs along with Cavis)
(The cart rolls off-screen.)
Cavis: Are we moving?
(We hear a crash off-screen as we fade to black. We then fade into Cavis and Millward in Mr. Nezzer's theater, all banged and bruised up. Everyone onstage stares at them.)
Jimmy: Wanna talk about it?
Cavis: Ah, no. I do, though, wanna see the final dress rehearsal of the spectacular closing number in the most extraordinary musical London has ever seen! The musical that everyone will be talking about in just 29 hours! So let's take it from the top!
(Everyone gets ready as Cavis and Millward sit in their seats....or more so Millward tries sitting in his seat but falls out.)
Cavis: Final number with lights and the you-know-what! Ready, Seymour?
Seymour: Ready as I'll ever be.
Cavis: Okay, the plumber has defeated the Evil Monkey King in a plunger duel. The Sugar Plumber Fairy has turned the wicked building inspector into a newt, thereby declaring the castle inhabitable and reducing the need for flood insurance. And, for the first time, the princess realizes it is the plumber that she's loved all along. Music.
(The music starts, as Effie Pickering walks out to the balcony of the castle set.)
Effie Pickering: Plumber, you have saved me from ze monkey king!
Jimmy: Princess, it was nothing. Just a little thing!
Effie Pickering: How could I not see it as I took a drink? Love was right beneath my nose underneath my sink!
Jimmy and Effie: Now we'll be so happy, no more tears or pains! Love will flow like water running down our drains!
(The fairy peas are lowered down onto the stage.)
Fairy peas: With her crown and with his wrench, he a Brit and she so French! Nevermore to smell the stench of plugged up love!
Cavis: Oh, this is good. Time for the star!
(Offstage, Seymour pulls a rope, causing the Star of Christmas to be lowered onto the stage.)
Everyone: They will come from near and far to see our love shine like a star!
Cavis: Okay...Cue the lights!
(Seymour starts flipping switches, causing light-bulbs to light up on their costumes, the set, and the platforms the Fairy peas are on.)
Everyone: With her crown and with his wrench, he a Brit and she so French! Nevermore to smell the stench of plugged up love!
Fairy peas: ...Plugged up love!
Jimmy and Effie: ...Of plugged up love!
Peas: ...Plugged up love!
(The theater starts shining with light. Because so much electricity is being produced, sparks start flying from the switches, and end up catching the curtains on fire.)
Jimmy and Effie: ...Of plugged up love!
Seymour: Oh, no! (running onstage) Fire! Fire!
Cavis: Oh no!
(Everyone starts evacuating the theater.)
Seymour: Everyone! Get out!
Cavis: The star!
(Cavis stays behind to watch the Star burn in flames, but eventually leaves. We then fade to everyone sitting outside the remains of the theater.)
Millward: I'm-uh. (sniffs) I'm gonna have to tell my uncle about his theater.
Cavis: The show's gone, the theater's gone. Everyone left us here alone.
Philippe: We did not leave you. Peas are loyal to ze end!
Cavis: Oh thanks, guys. Well, on the bright side, I guess things couldn't get any worse.
(Cue Murphy's Law; Moyer and a constable (Jerry Gourd) start charging towards Cavis and Millward.)
Moyer: There they are! It's them, Constable! The vicious hooligans that stole the Star of Christmas!
Philippe: The end.
(We then cut to Cavis and Millward getting their mug shots, then being locked in their cell.)
Cavis: (sighs) Christmas Eve...in jail. That wasn't part of the plan.
Cavis: Oh Millward, I'm sorry.
Millward: That's okay, Cavis.
(Millward sits down and starts playing the harmonica.)
Cavis: I-I just wanted to teach London to love.
(As Cavis and Millward are moping, they suddenly hear a voice from the other side of the cell.)
Charles Pincher: Teach London? To love?
(Millward stops playing the harmonica)
Charles Pincher: Teach London to love? Now how exactly were you gonna do that?
Cavis: Well, you know. A big stage show with great songs and costumes and lots of electric lights.
Charles Pincher: (laughs)
Charles Pincher: Teach London to love with light-bulbs? (continues laughing)
Cavis: Well, not all by themselves.
Charles Pincher: Maybe you can teach London to read with light-bulbs. (continues laughing) If'n there was a night school.
Cavis: The costumes would help.
Charles Pitcher: (laughs then stops) Listen gov'na, I don't know where you're from but you're more likely to teach a horse to fly than to teach this city to love. Or any city for that matter.
(Charles says this as Millward continues to play the harmonica off-screen)
Cavis: Hasn't anyone been nice to you?
Charles Pincher: Yeah, sure, a bloke can be nice to you when they want something from ya!
(Millward stops playing the harmonica again)
Charles Pincher: I bet you're real nice to your actors when you need them, but that ain't love. Giving up something for someone when they don't deserve it and there's nothing in it for you! That's love. Going to someone who needs help when you won't get nothing back! That's love. But I ain't never seen anything like that. Leastwise, not around here. If you ask me, you can't teach a man to love. It's not in his nature. (chuckles) Teach London to love over light-bulbs. Oh, what a pip.
(The door to the jail opens, as the Constable brings the cellmates their meals.)
Constable: Mr. Pincher, star thieves, dinnertime. Happy Christmas Eve. (to Cavis and Millward) Oh yeah, you two have company.
Cavis: Huh? Oh, it must be Seymour. He said he'd come as soon as he could.
(Seymour isn't there. Instead of Seymour, Edmund and his dad show up at their jail cell.)
Cavis: Huh? What are you guys doing here? Oh, I guess you're pretty mad about the star, huh? Well go ahead, yell away. We're getting what we deserve.
Rev. Gilbert: We aren't here to yell at you.
Rev. Gilbert: We..well, it was really Edmund's idea. I've been teaching him about Christmas. That God loved us so much, he sent his son, Jesus, who would be called Emmanuel, God with us, and that God came to help us even when we didn't deserve it. Because he loved us. So when Edmund saw what happened, he decided we needed to do the same thing for you.
Cavis: What does that mean exactly?
Edmund: It means we aren't gonna press charges.
Rev. Gilbert: We're forgiving you. The judge says you can go.
(Cavis and Millward look at each other excitedly, as Charles Pincher looks on disappointed. We then fade to the front of the police station as everyone leaves. Cavis and Millward's following pieces of dialogue overlap each other.)
Cavis: Oh, I can't believe it! This is-this is... (laughs) Thank you, guys. You don't have to do this.
Millward: Aw, thanks, guys. That-..this really means a lot to me. No one's ever gotten me out of jail before.
Cavis: Hey, since we don't have anything else to do, we can come see your pageant.
(Rev. Gilbert and Edmund look at each other disappointed.)
Rev. Gilbert: Well, the pageant starts in 10 minutes and it took us more than an hour to walk over here.
Cavis: Well, how were you gonna get back in time?
Rev. Gilbert: We weren't.
Cavis: You mean...you gave up the pageant? Just to come help us?
Rev. Gilbert: Edmund didn't want to you spend Christmas in jail.
Cavis: Well now you're gonna miss the pageant.
(As Cavis is moping, Millward hears Seymour's rocket car.)
Millward: Maybe not.
(Seymour comes speeding around the street corner and stops in front of the police station.)
Seymour: I came here as soon as I heard. If there anything I can do, I-...why aren't you in the slammer?
Millward: Seymour, remember how you promised I could take the rocket carriage for a ride sometime?
Seymour: Uh, yeah?
Millward: It's time!
(Everyone gives a dramatic shocked look, as we fade to everyone sitting in the rocket car. Rev. Gilbert is horrified, while Edmund is excited. Millward is now wearing headgear similar to Seymour's.)
Rev. Gilbert: I'm not so sure about this.
Cavis: Are you sure he can drive this thing?
MIllward: No problem.
Seymour: Okay, rockets 1 through 10. 1 through 5 were used up coming over here. 6 through 10 will have to get to there. Under no circumstances should you use rocket 11! It has not been tested!
Millward: Anything else?
Seymour: Oh yeah. The brakes only work if you're on the ground, so uh, try to stay on the ground.
Cavis: I-I didn't known that was optional.
Millward: Okay, we're off!
Seymour: Uh, where are you going again?
Millward: We've gotta make it to the church on time! Hang on!
(Millward activates rocket 6, which sends the rocket car zooming into the streets of London.)
Seymour: This just keeps getting weirder.
(As the rocket car speeds up, Cavis notices a carrot walking across an upcoming street.)
Cavis: Watch it! Look out! Turn!
Millward: I don't know if I have to move this thing left to turn left or right to turn left!
Cavis: You don't know how to steer it?!
Millward: I forgot to ask!
(The rocket car barely misses the carrot, as he runs the other way. Rev. Gilbert notices a trades-person (Scallion #3) pulling a wagon of hats.)
Rev. Gilbert: Ah!! Millward! Wagon!
Millward: Left! No, right! No, left!
(The rocket car crashes through the wagon, leaving everyone wearing fancy hats. Cavis then notices a large gathering of wagons up ahead.)
Cavis: Millward, another wagon! Miss it this time!
Millward: I think I got it!
Everyone: Woah! Woah! Woa-oh! Woah!
(The rocket car swerves back and forth, narrowly passing the gathering of carts.)
Millward: Not bad, huh?
Rev. Gilbert: Millward!!
(All four of them notice a bakery up ahead, and crash through it.)
Everyone: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (while crashing through the bakery) Ah, oof! Ah-eh-oof! Ah!
(The rocket car comes out the other side of the bakery, as the car is filled with baguettes, Cavis has donuts on his eyes, and Millward has lemon danishes on his eyes.)
Rev. Gillbert: Aaaaaaaaah!!
Cavis: Millward, the bank!
Millward: I can't see anything!
(They crash through the bank in the same manner as they did in the bakery.)
Everyone: Ah, oof! Ah-eh-oof! Ah!
(The rocket car comes out the other side, as everyone now has bowler hats on.)
Millward: Look, we're bankers!
Rev. Gilbert: Ha, look at that. (notices the Banker next to him) Aaaaaaaah!!!
(Because of the sudden noticing of the banker, the rocket car starts slightly swerving, then stops.)
Cavis: Okay, we're okay. Everyone okay back there?
Rev. Gilbert: Aaaaaaaah!!!
Cavis: Good. Millward, do you know where we are?
MIllward: Berry Street. We're getting close.
Cavis: How many rockets left?
Millward: Last one, number 10!
Cavis: I hope it'll get us there.
(The rocket car speeds up, as Millward notices a sign for the Crystal Palace, and turns towards said Crystal Palace.)
Millward: Hey, I think I know a shortcut through the Crystal Palace.
Millward: Never mind.
(Millward turns the other way, as Cavis notices a bridge up ahead.
Cavis: There's the river! Only a few more blocks and we'll be at the church!
(Everyone except the banker starts cheering. Unfortunately, rocket 10 starts dying out.)
Millward: The last rocket! It's dying!
(Cavis hears the bridge bell ringing.)
Cavis: And the drawbridge is going up.
(The engine sputters one last time before the rocket car comes to a complete stop at the entrance to the bridge.)
Rev. Gilbert: We were so close.
Edmund: Oh well, thanks for trying guys.
Cavis: Who could have guessed we'd run out of rockets?
Millward: (noticing that rocket 11 hasn't been activated) Not completely out of rockets.
Cavis: Millward, no.
Millward: We're not completely out of rockets, Cavis!
Everyone: No, Millward! No, Millward, no!
(Millward flips to rocket 11, as a new engine pops out the back.)
Cavis: Being lateis considerable fashionable in some circles. Heh-heh.
Millward: Cavis, the show must go on!
(The new engine fires up and makes the rocket car go faster than ever. The rocket flies over the bridge, and over the city of London.)
Edmund: Hey, I can see my house from here!
(Everyone stops screaming when they see St. Bart's Church up ahead.)
Cavis: There's the church!
Rev. Gillbert: Shouldn't we try slowing down?
Millward: The brakes only work on the ground.
(We cut to the front of the church, as Moyer is greeting everyone.)
Moyer: Ah, Merry Christmas, welcome! (sees Prince Frederick and his guards coming up to the church) Ah, Prince Fredrick! It's an honor having you, sir.
Prince Frederick: The honor is mine.
Moyer: Oh, you're in for a treat tonight.
(Meanwhile, everyone in the rocket car is struggling to park.)
Moyer: Ah, thanks for coming.
(Millward tries nose-diving the rocket car.)
Millward: We're going down!
(The rocket car keeps bouncing towards the church.)
(Moyer starts closing the doors.)
Moyer: We're gonna have a good show for ya tonight.
Moyer: It's gonna be beautiful.
(Moyer turns to see the rocket car crash in front of the church, sending everyone flying through the doors and onto the stage. Moyer jumps out of the way before this happens.)
(The church is quiet for a moment. Prince Frederick starts clapping, so everyone else starts clapping as well.)
Edmund: Okay, it's time to put on a pageant!
Cavis: (quietly) But Edmund, you don't have the Star if Christmas!
Edmund: Sure we do! You didn't steal the real Star of Christmas.
Cavis: W...we didn't?
Edmund: No. The real Star of Christmas isn't something you can steal. In fact, it isn't something at all.
(Edmund gestures towards the empty manger behind them.)
Cavis: Oh, right.
Edmund: I do need a new star of Bethlehem, though. Can you guys help me out?
(Millward nods at Cavis.)
Cavis: Oh yeah, we can handle that.
(The lights in the church dim as everyone walks offstage. Edmund hops up onto the pulpit as Rev. Gilbert gives him a "good luck" wink.)
Edmund: So Joseph went up from the town of Nazareth to Bethlehem. He went there with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger because there was no room for them in the inn.
(Laura and a carrot boy dressed as Mary and Joseph carry a cloth-covered baby, and place him in the manger.)
Annie: (whispering) C'mon.
(Annie and Percy, who are dressed as a shepherd and sheep respectively, hop onstage.)
Edmund: And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night.
(Percy's sneeze causes Annie to drop her cane.)
Edmund: An angel of the Lord appeared to them and they were terrified.
(Another pea, dressed up as an angel hops next to Annie and Percy.)
Annie and Percy: (gasp)
Edmund: But the angel said...
Angel pea: Don't be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all people. Today in the town of David, a savior has been born to you. He is Christ the Lord. (smiles)
(Kids dressed us as wise-men hop onstage.)
Edmund: After Jesus was born, wise-men from the east came to Jerusalem and asked...
Wise-man: Where is the one who has been born king of the Jews? We saw His star in the east and have come to worship Him.
(A musical fanfare is heard, but nothing happens. This confuses the audience.)
Edmund: (ahem) They saw his star!
(Musical fanfare is heard again. This time, Cavis rushes towards the lift. Suddenly, everyone hears something and looks up. Millward, who is dressed as a giant star, is suddenly levered up from behind the stable cut-out.)
Edmund: And all this took place to fulfill what the prophet had said: "She will give birth to a son and they will call Him Emmanuel, God with us."
(The audience gives a standing ovation. As everyone is bowing, Cavis watches from offstage.)
Cavis: Huh. I think I understand.
Rev. Gilbert: What's that?
Cavis: Huh? Oh. There's only one story that can really show us how to love and this is it.
(Rev. Gilbert nods at him. Everyone gestures for Cavis to come onstage and bow, but in doing so, he steps off the lift that was used to lever Millward. We cut to the outside of the church as we hear a loud crash.)
Millward: I'm okay.
(We then cut to Cavis and Millward leaving the church overjoyed. Suddenly, they stop dead in their tracks.)
Mr. Nezzer: Millward! Cavis!
(Mr. Nezzer is standing in front of them very angrily.)
Millward: Uncle Nezzer!
Cavis: Um, M-Mr. Nezzer! (chuckles) ...I suppose you heard about the theater.
Mr. Nezzer: Mmm-hmm. So I figured you two can work for me in my factory until it's paid off.
Cavis: That seems reasonable. I guess.
Mr. Nezzer: See ya Monday morning, bright and early.
Millward: See ya, Uncle Nezzer.
(Mr. Nezzer leaves, just as Prince Frederick, Edmund, and Rev. Gilbert are walking out.)
Prince Frederick: (to Edmund) A very enjoyable performance, young man.
Edmund: Thank you, sir.
Prince Frederick: (to Millward) And that star, your finest work since dental wax.
Millward: Why, thank you.
(Cavis notices Moyer walking out of the church with a box.)
Cavis: Uh-oh, it's Moyer the Destoryer!
Moyer: Hold on a second! Look what I found.
(Moyer opens the box to reveal the Star of Christmas.)
Rev. Gilbert: The Star of Christmas!
Moyer: It was in my sock drawer all along! I must have set out the wrong box.
Cavis: W-i-if that's the star, what did we take?
Moyer: It was our other famous relic, the Turtle of Damascus. Not nearly as valuable, most experts say it's a hoax.
Millward: Told ya it looked like a turtle.
(Cavis rolls his eyes.)
Rev. Gilbert: All things considered, I'd say things worked out pretty well.
Prince Frederick: I'd like to talk to you boys about your next production.
Cavis: I've got one more thing I need to do first.
(We fade to the jail, as the door opens, waking up Charles Pincher. Cavis walks in with a tray full of cookies and hot chocolate, surprising Charles. Millward hops in and places a wreath on the billboard. The constable smiles as Millward hands Charles Pincher a present. As all of this is happening, a cover of the song "O Come, O Come Emmanuel" plays.)
Singer: O come, O come, Emmanuel, and ransom captive Israel. That mourns in lonely exile here until the Son of God appear.
Cavis: Merry Christmas, Mr. Pincher.
Singer: Rejoice, (Rejoice) Rejoice, (Rejoice) Emmanuel Shall come to thee, O Israel
(Charles Pincher smiles, as we fade to a snowy night sky in London. We pan over London before coming to a stop at the top of St. Bart's Church, then we cut to black.)