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This is the episode transcript for The Green-Eyed Monster.


(The episode opens on the ship's map.)

Navi: Travel two light years to next planet, past space nebula and turn--(coughs)

Midgel: I believe we've got a problem.

Fidgel: I should say so.

Navi: (sneezes)

Midgel: I'd say our navigational system has a virus.

Fidgel: Uh, bless you.

Navi: (sniffs) Thank you.

(The ship's alarm starts beeping.)

Midgel and Fidgel: Oh!

Zidgel: That's the alarm! Battle stations, everyone!

Midgel and Fidgel: (panic)

(As Zidgel, Midgel and Fidgel run around, Kevin enters with a peanut butter covered spoon. Fidgel jumps into an inflatable seat.)

Fidgel: Oh!

(Midgel jumps into his pilot seat. Kevin, in his seat, licks peanut butter off the spoon. Michelle enters with a tape measure.)

Michelle: Jason's room is bigger than mine.

(After the opening sequence, cut to Michelle's room in the ship. She tosses the tape measure, which reads 49.95m, into the air and it measures her room. She then goes to measure Jason's room, much to his surprise. The tape measure reads 50.00m.)

Michelle: See? My room is .05 meters smaller than Jason's!

Jason: So I've got the bigger room? At home, I don't even have my own room. Cool!

Michelle: It's not cool. I've got a problem here!

Fidgel: And we'll look into it as soon as we fix our navigation system.

Michelle: But--!

(Midgel and Fidgel run back to the main room to look over the navigation system, which is now wearing a scarf.)

Navi: (sneezes)

Zidgel: How are we supposed to get anywhere without a navigational system? Wait! I know! We'll use the stars!

Midgel: Captain, you failed astronomy at the Academy.

Fidgel: How about a map?

(Zidgel looks over the map.)

Zidgel: Uh...seems I've forgotten the exact address. Why don't you guys find it? I've got captain stuff to do!

(Midgel and Fidgel look over the map.)

Midgel: Let's see. Ah, here it is, L-7!

Kevin: (with a bingo card) Bingo!

Zidgel: Uh, set our course for L-7!

(Fidgel and Midgel try folding the map back up.)

Fidgel: Um, I believe you have to fold it here.

(At first, they fold it into a paper plane. Then they fold into a paper crane. Finally, they end up wrapping each other up like a Christmas present.)

Midgel: We'll just get to this later.

(They hop off to the left. The ship then approaches the Comet Lounge. Inside, Michelle approaches the counter.)

Sol: Hello. The usual? (He gives her a sundae before noticing how upset she looks.) Bad day?

Michelle: You said it. I've got a very serious problem and no one's even paying attention to me.

Sol: I'm listening.

Michelle: Jason's room is bigger than mine. All this time, I thought I had the bigger room, but no!

Sol: Ah, so you've been attacked by the green-eyed monster.

Michelle: What?

Sol: Envy. It's when you resent someone because they have something you want.

Michelle: I don't want what he has. I just think things should be fair, that's all.

Sol: Well, as your old pal Sol says, "A tranquil heart is good for the body, but envy rots the bones."

Michelle: Do you know I never understand anything you say?

Sol: I know.

(Midgel passes by with a bag full of peanut butter jars)

Midgel: We're done, Michelle. Finish up so we can get back on the ship.

Michelle: What are we gonna do with all that peanut butter?

(Cut back to the ship where the navigational system has a tissue box and a bowl of soup.)

Navi: (sneezes)

Fidgel: Eh, bless you.

Navi: (sniffs) Tank you.

Admiral Strap: Attention, U.F.P.S Rockhopper. Come in, Rockhopper.

Zidgel: We're here, Commander Strap.

(Kevin gets in Zidgel's way as he tries to watch what's on the screen. The screen shows a green planet surrounded by a white picket fence.)

Admiral Strap: Quite right. Have an assignment for you. There's a territorial dispute on Planet Picket. Need you to dash over there and make things right. This is no milk run, men. Tensions are running high on Planet Picket. Good fences do not make good neighbors.

(Kevin flings a blob of peanut butter at the screen.)

Jason, Zidgel, Midgel, and Fidgel: (giggle)

(He does it again until the blobs make a face.)

Admiral Strap: Your assignment is no less than preventing all-out war.

Jason, Zidgel, Midgel, and Fidgel: (giggle)

Admiral Strap: Did I say something funny?

Zidgel: No, sir. It's just--

(Kevin continues throwing peanut butter at the screen)

Admiral Strap: I don't see what's so funny. I just told you, tensions are high. Must put a stop to it! Planet Picket is no picnic, I can promise you that!

Jason, Midgel, and Fidgel: (laugh)

Admiral Strap: What on earth is going on there, Captain, is there something I should know?

Zidgel: Not at all, sir. We're on our way, Commander.

Admiral Strap: Excellent! You're just the crew for this job: trustworthy, loyal, helpful, friendly, courteous, kind, obedient, cheerful, thrifty, brave, clean, and reverent.

(Kevin flings one more blob at the screen, making the rest of the crew laugh harder as Zidgel turns it off. Michelle watches them sadly before returning to her room. The ship approaches the planet.)

Fidgel: Strange, it seems to have a fence surrounding it.

Midgel: I'll set the coordinates. Prepare for landin'!

(The ship lands rather roughly. Fortunately, no one is hurt. Zidgel stumbles out of the ship with a bucket on his head and a sock on his beak.)

Zidgel: Well, that landing was a lot smoother than normal. Good job, men. (Jason and Kevin exit the ship.) Hmm, that's not gonna come off.

(The planets inhabitants, which are sheep, approach them.)

Kevin: Look, sheep. (He lets them lick the spoon) Baa, baa.

Zidgel: Alright, delegation from this planet should be here in two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Jason: You want me to talk to them?

Zidgel: Thank you, but no. The population here needs someone they can look up to and respect! While the doctor and Midgel help Navi get better, we three will take care of the planet problem.

Barthos: Thank you for the sna-a-ack. Let's get going then.

Zidgel: Oh, hello? And you are--?

Barthos: I am Ba-a-arthos, supreme leader of the Planet Picket.

Zidgel: I'm Captain Zidgel of the Federation. I'm here to help you with your time of need. Can someone get this off me? (Kevin removes the bucket.) Anyway, on behalf of the Federation, let me say it's very nice to meet ewe. (laughs) You get it? E-W-E. (the sheep roll their eyes.) You get it? E-W-E, ewe? (laughs) Like a female sheep? Heh, yeah.

Barthos: Is there someone e-e-else we can talk to?

Jason: Nope, it's him or nobody.

Barthos: (sighs)

Zidgel: Ewe. (laughs)

(As Zidgel tries to get the bucket off his foot, Midgel and Fidgel give the navigational system soup.)

Michelle: Say, I was wondering, do you have some kind of transporter beam thingy I could use?

Fidgel: Might we ask why?

Michelle: Okay, here's my plan. We transport everything from Jason's room to my room and everything from my room to his. Switch nameplates too. He'll never know the difference.

Fidgel: But would that be fair, dearie?

Michelle: It would be fair for me.

Navi: (sneezes)

Fidgel: My sentiments exactly.

(Segue to the courthouse on the planet.)

Sheep: (bleat)

Blue sheep: A-a-all rise!

(Everyone rises.)

Kevin: Pardon me. Excuse me. Sorry. Pardon me.

Jason: Excuse me. Pardon me. Excuse me.

Zidgel: Pardon me. Coming through. Thank you. Coming through.

Barthos: (clears throat) Countrysheep, lend me your she-e-ears. For today. we face the gravest problem our planet has enco-ountered since the invention of wo-o-ol sweaters.

Sheep: (bleat)

Barthos: For here, on Planet Picket, the grass always seems greener on the other side of the fe-e-ence!

Sheep: (bleat)

Barthos: Order! Order in the house!

Sheep: (bleat)

(Back to the ship.)

Michelle: Fine, if no one will help me, I'll do it myself. Fix-bot, move everything out of here and over to Jason's room.

(A silver, three-wheeled robot activates and starts moving things around. Michelle comes across a sock with a hole in it. When the robot lifts the bed, Michelle find a book with a large chunk bitten off. Suddenly, she comes across something that makes her scream. The alarm beeps.)

Michelle: We're under attack!

Midgel: Someone's attacking your socks?

Michelle: No. I mean, yes. I mean, just look!

(She pushes a button, turning on the screen, which shows a little blue monster with green eyes.)

Little green-eyed monster: (growls)

(Back to the courthouse.)

Barthos: A-a-and so, in closing, I can only call upon our better natures, that we can put this dile-m-mma behind us once and for all!

(Zidgel's communicator beeps and he answers it.)

Michelle: Captain, we're under attack!

Sheep: (bleat)

Zidgel: (giggles) Oh, sorry about that. It's just...they've got a problem over at the--it's a monster. Tiny thing, really. Kevin, go help them.

(Kevin, with an empty peanut butter jar, leaves the courthouse.)

Kevin: 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me. 'Scuse me.

(All the sheep focus their attention on Zidgel.)

Zidgel: Oh, it's me? (clears throat) Well, as I see it, you've got a couple of options here.

(The sheep wait for a soultion.)

Zidgel: Uh...and to explain what those options are, I've brought in an expert in interstellar relations. Jason?

Jason: What? Me? Oh, well, hello. Yes, my expert opinion is that you should...switch sides. That way you could see if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence.

Sheep: (bleat)

Barthos: Switch sides? Why, that's brilliant! All those in favor of switching sides say "Baa!"

Sheep: (bleat)

Barthos: So moved. Everyone, switch!

(The inhabitants jump over the fence.)

Zidgel: (yawns) Don't know why, but, suddenly, I'm very sleepy. (yawns)

(Back in the ship, Midgel tries catching the green-eyed monster.)

Midgel: Hold still. Got you! Ooof!

(He falls on his face. The monster then bites his behind.)

Midgel: Ow! Little imp bit me! Fidgel! A little help, please?

Fidgel: (with a broom) Doing my best, old man, doing my best.

(Back to the courthouse.)

Barthos: Now that we have all switched sides, is everyone satisfied?

Sheep: (bleat quietly)

Barthos: Wh-a-a-at say you?

Sheep: Mister leader, sir, we are most not satisfied.

Barthos: And wh-h-y not?

Sheep: Their grass is still greener! (bleat angrily)

(Back to the ship, as the monster has bitten off chunks of the ship's interior.)

Midgel: There he goes! Stop him!

Michelle: (screams)

Midgel: Now, that's just rude!

Fidgel: Ow! I've had just about enough of this!

Michelle: Someone do something!

(Fidgel pulls out a ray gun that looks like the front of a motorcycle. He follows the monster as it runs across the ship and onto Midgel's head.)

Fidgel: Fire in the hole!

(He fires.)

Midgel: Hey!

(When the dust clears, Midgel's head appears to have been blasted off, but he's fine, despite the top of his head being shaved. Back at the courthouse, the sheep on both sides still aren't satisfied.)

Sheep: (bleat angrily)

Zidgel: How can their grass be greener? You were just there! I'm telling you, it's exactly the same!

Barthos: Order! Order in the ho-o-u-u-use!

Zidgel: I'm telling you, grass is grass is grass! Good thing they're nothing like us, huh, Jason?

Jason: Actually, Captain, I'm not so sure.

(Back to the ship. Fidgel keeps firing at the monster, but instead blasts chunks off the ship.)

Fidgel: Oh, stop!

Midgel: Ahh!

Michelle: (screams)

Fidgel: There he goes! Stop him!

Midgel: This way!

Fidgel: Almost got him!

Michelle: Help me! Somebody!

(Kevin enters the ship with an empty jar.)

Midgel: This way!

Kevin: All gone.

(The monster stops in front of him and he traps it with the jar.)

Kevin: Got him!

Midgel: Thank goodness.

Kevin: Can I keep him?

Fidgel: As what?

Kevin: A pet.

Michelle: A pet?

Kevin: Nice kitty.

Michelle: I guess. Just make sure he doesn't get out.

Fidgel: Let the captain know it's all under control here.

(In the courthouse, things are still not under control. Zidgel looks at the screen on his communicator, which shows thumbs up.)

Zidgel: Ah, no worries, Jason. Everything's fine back at the ship.

(One pink sheep enters the courthouse screaming.)

Pink sheep #1: We're under attack! Run for your lives!

(A roar is heard outside.)

Zidgel: Another monster? Heh, heh, no problem. I'll take care of it.

(A bigger green-eyed monster enters the courthouse and roars. The sheep scream and run out of the courthouse.)

Zidgel: (faints)

Big green-eyed monster: (roars)

Barthos: Meeting adjourned! Meeting adjourned!

Jason: Captain, captain, wake up!

Zidgel: Huh? What? What time is it? Those sheep really put me to sleep.

Jason: Hurry, Captain! We have to do something!

Zidgel: Why? I just woke up. I need to brush my teeth, comb my hair--

Big green-eyed monster: (roars)

Zidgel: And faint! (faints)

(Fade back to the ship as Midgel, Fidgel, Kevin and Michelle try to put the ship's interior back together.)

Jason: Hey, guys, we need help out here!

Midgel: What's wrong, Jason?

(The screen shows the big monster.)

Fidgel: Oh, my, that's a big one.

Michelle: Where are they coming from?

Big green-eyed monster: (belches)

Midgel: Jason, where's the captain?

(The screen shows Zidgel having fainted again.)

Fidgel: Not good form.

Michelle: Jason, you've been attacked by the green-eyed monster. (thinking) Where have I heard that before?

Midgel: Whatever you do, don't lead it back here.

Fidgel: Exactly. We don't have a glass jar big enough to hold that!

(Luckily, Kevin just so happens to have a giant glass jar.)

Kevin: (belches) Yummy!

(Midgel, Fidgel and Michelle get an idea. As the sheep run around screaming, Midgel, Fidgel and Kevin carry the jar out of the ship.)

Jason: Hey, guys. Watch out, that thing is hungry!

(The monster eats a tree.)

Midgel: Right, straight away, boys.

(The three penguins sneak up behind the monster. As it turns around, the penguins do their best to stay out of its sight. Kevin sneezes and the jar flies out of their hands. As the monster turns to them and prepares to eat them, the giant jar traps it. The three penguins quickly jump on top of the jar.)

Midgel: Well, this is a fine kettle of fallubian fries. How are we supposed to fly around the galaxy saving people if we're stuck sitting on this?

(Zidgel approaches the trapped monster)

Zidgel: (whistles) Ahh!

Midgel: Don't worry, Captain, he's trapped.

Zidgel: That's right, you're trapped. By my crew. Excellent leadership skills. Let's go, men.

Fidgel: Sorry, Captain, we can't.

Zidgel: That's insubordination! That's mutiny!

Fidgel: Captain, if we get up, he gets out.

Zidgel: Hmm...good point.

Barthos: What happened he-e-ere?

Zidgel: Well, let's see. We showed up, tried to help you with your tiff, you voted, switched sides, started arguing, monster showed up, I brought in my crew, we saved the day.

Midgel: I think you forgot the part where you fainted.

Zidgel: Just going with the important details, thank you very much.

Barthos: The monster destroyed our beautiful gra-a-ass. There's hardly any of it le-e-eft.

(We see the damage the monster has done.)

Barthos: Whe-e-ere's the monster?

Zidgel: What do you mean "Whe-e-ere's the monster?" He's right he--

(The monster has escaped through a hole it dug under the jar. It starts eating trees from under the ground.)

Midgel: That is one hungry monster.

Barthos: What shall we do-o-o?

Zidgel: Hope he keeps digging until he hits the other side.

(The monster eats the white fence.)

Zidgel: Huh, so much for that plan.

(Back on the ship, Michelle looks over the little monster.)

Michelle: Green-eyed monster. Green-eyed (gasps) that's it.

(She accidentally knocks the jar off the shelf, freeing the monster.)

Michelle: Captain, Michelle here.

Zidgel: Little busy, Michelle!

Michelle: I think I know what caused the monsters to appear.

Zidgel: Oh, then by all means. Do tell.

Michelle: Get back to the ship. The green-eyed monster escaped. I'm scared and I'm running out of clothes.

(Back on the ship. The crew enters Michelle's room, which has been torn up by the monster.)

Jason: Woah.

Kevin: Bad kitty!

Michelle: I remembered something Sol told me and realized this monster is my fault.

Midgel: Your fault? No!

Fidgel: You can't blame yourself, dearie.

Zidgel: So, what'd you do?

Michelle: It came from envy. I resented what Jason had and now everything is ruined. I don't care if it is smaller, I like my room just fine!

(The monster starts to shrink.)

Midgel: Wait a minute, Michelle, that had an effect on it. Say it again.

Michelle: I was wrong. I don't want Jason's room. I appreciate what I've got. I don't even care if my room's smaller!

(The green-eyed monster vanishes from existence a la Larry-Boy! and the Fib from Outer Space!)

Zidgel: Thank our lucky stars!

Fidgel: Wait a minute. You're saying this monster appeared from envy?

Michelle: Yes.

Fidgel: And if your solution was to appreciate what we have, then it stands to reason...

(The crew leaves the room.)

Zidgel: Then what? What happens when we appreciate what we have?

(Midgel hands a microphone to Michelle.)

Midgel: Over here, pigeon. Tell the sheep exactly what you told us.

(A large speaker appears out of the ship.)

Michelle: Attention, sheep! The secret is, be satisfied with what you have. Wanting someone else's stuff only feeds the monster. You have to be content! I repeat. You have to be content.

Pink sheep #1: She's ri-i-i-ight. The grass on our side is as green as theirs! It's not so ba-a-a-ad!

Sheep: (bleat)

(As the planet's inhabitants become content, the big monster shrinks and disappears like the small one.)

Whole crew: Hooray!

Jason: Way to go, sis.

Michelle: Thanks. Ow. (to the crew) I'm sorry, everybody.

Fidgel: Oh don't worry, dearie, all's well that ends well.

Midgel: I had my doubts there for a while, there, though.

Michelle: Sol was right. A heart that's satisfied is good, but envy just eats up everything that you have and rots you from the inside out.

Midgel: Chews a hole in your soul, you might say.

Michelle: Yeah, that's it. It felt like something was chewing a hole in my soul.

Zidgel: Midgel, our job is done here.

Midgel: Feeling better, Navi?

(Pulls the machine's lever.)

Navi: Yes, sir! Go to second solar system and turn right.

Zidgel: Take us home, please.

(Zidgel gets in his seat, which falls back. Soon, Jason and Michelle are taken home, where Grandmum is knitting blankets.)

Grandmum: (singing) Mary had a little lamb, a little ham, a little cham. Mary had a little lamb, and I've done, I am, I am. (talking) Children! Come see what Grandmum made!

Michelle: Something for us?

Jason: (sniffs) Something to eat?

Grandmum: (laughs) Good nose, Jason. I've got cake for later. But for now, wool blankets for each of you.

Jason: Oh, thank you, Grandmum. It's beautiful.

Michelle: So, this is what you were doing with all that wool! I love it!

Grandmum: Oh. Can you guess why I put sheep on each blanket?

Jason: 'Cause it's wool and you get wool from sheep?

Grandmum: No, but that's very logical.

Michelle: 'Cause you grew up on a sheep ranch?

Grandmum: I didn't grow up on a sheep ranch, dear. But that's very imaginative. I put them on your blankets because sheep are innocent, gentle creatures just like you two.

Jason: Michelle? Innocent?

Michelle: Jason? Gentle?

Grandmum: Now, up to bed and I'll bring you each a nice warm piece of my cake.

Michelle: All right!

Jason: Yes!

(They both go upstairs. Later, Grandmum brings up two cake slices.)

Grandmum: Cake all around. With Grandmum's famous coconut raspberry guava frosting.

Jason: Thank you, Grandmum. What's guava? It's not like liver, is it?

Grandmum: No, it's a tropical fruit, dear.

Michelle: Hey, his piece is bigger than--

Grandmum: Bigger than what, Michelle?

Michelle: Nothing, Grandmum. I'm happy with the piece of cake I have.

Grandmum: Oh. Good night, dears. Remember to brush your teeth. And don't forget to say your prayers.

(Later that night, Jason and Michelle do just that.)

Michelle: Thanks for getting Jason and me through this last couple of days. Sorry I was so envious.

Jason: Me, too. Next time, we'll remember to be happy with what we have and not be resentful of what we don't have.

Michelle: Yeah. We're gonna really remember it, because I don't want any monster eating my socks.

Both: Please bless Mom and Dad and Zidgel and Midgel and Fidgel and Kevin. Amen.

(The both get in their beds. Meanwhile, back on the ship, the whole Rockhopper crew has gotten sick.)

Navi: Continue straight for the next five light years.

Penguins: (sneeze)

Fidgel: Oh, my.

Penguins: (sneezes again)

(End of transcript.)