This is an episode transcript for The Doom Funnel Rescue!.


Jason and Michelle: Mail!

Jason: Race ya.

Michelle: Well...okay!

Jason: Hey, no fair! Michelle, come on!

Michelle: What's the matter? It's just the mail.

Jason: Come on, I'm desperate! If I don't hear something from the outside world soon, I'm gonna crack!

Michelle: Well...let's just see what the postman's brought.

Jason: (groans)

Michelle: Could this be for you? Oh no, I guess not. But ooh! Here's an exciting opportunity to refund your home at today's low rate.

Jason: Michelle...

Michelle: Oh, you know, it's never too early to start planning for your retirement.

Jason: That does it. Prepare to--rarrr!

Michelle: Hey, Jason!

Jason: Come on, hand it over!

Michelle: Cut it out!

Jason: It's no use resisting.

Grandmum: Goodness, muffins, what's all this?

Jason: Michelle won't let me see the mail.

Grandmum: Now, now, Michelle, what is it the Good Book says? Oh, yes! Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. I suppose that goes for the mail as well.

Michelle: I was gonna give it to him eventually.

Grandmum: Let's see, bills, bills, some coupons, a card for Michelle, oh! And here's a nice letter for Jason.

Jason: For me? Hey, it's from Trevor! Look, here's a picture of him on the anti-gravity simulator!

Michelle: Personally, I never understood why a bunch of kids would wait in line just to get nauseous.

Grandmum: Well, come along, bugs. We'll all read our mail over some delicious prune trifle.

Jason: Yeah, here we can get nauseous without the weight.

(After the opening sequence, we see Jason reading his letter from Trevor.)

Trevor: (V.O.): And being weightless is so cool. Friday we learned all about space storms. Rocket science is a real blast. Get it? Ha, ha. Hey, remember that day we went to Astroland and rode on the Twister twenty-eight times in a row? Nobody can take centrifugal force like you and me, right? I really wish you were here. Stuff's always more fun when you're around. Well, I gotta go meet John Glenn. Write soon, and tell me all the exciting things you've been doing. Your pal, Trevor.

(Jason sits on the couch, bored.)

Michelle: Grandmum, the sink's leaking again!

Grandmum: Well, we'll fix it up in a jiffy. Just need to find my supply of duct tape.

Grandmum: Nice of Trevor to write you, wasn't it? I'm sure he misses you a lot.

Jason: Yeah, I can tell.

Grandmum: You should write him back right away. I'll bet he'd love hearing from you. You can tell him all about what you've been doing.

Michelle: Good idea! There was that one paperclip chain you made, and helping Grandmum put on her hair net, and that awful morning we, uh, ran out of toast.

Grandmum: Woah, don't like to think about that too much.

Jason: Well, I'm sure Trevor is having too much fun to bother reading any letter from me.

Grandmum: You know, love, he might be a little homesick. Hearing from you could be just what the doctor ordered.

Jason: Yeah, I think I'll just go upstairs.

Grandmum: I'm sure you'll do the right thing, dear.

(As Jason spends some time in the attic, he enjoys a plate of cookies. Suddenly, he finds some have disappeared.)

Jason: Huh? (He spots one cookie disappear behind a box.) Captain Manolo crept stealthily closer, ever closer to danger, until finally, aha! (He spots a mouse eating the cookie.) Well, hello.

(Jason builds a house for the mouse, who he has named Preston.)

Jason: There you go, Preston, home sweet home, complete with exercise facilities. Hey, want to see my secret treasure box? This is a high tension atomic coil, and this is my Captain Jupiter secret decoder ring, and this is intergalactic astro currency. Actually, it's just a smash penny I got when I was at Astroland with Trevor. Isn't that right, fuzzyface?

Michelle: Who are you talking to?

Jason: Hah! Oh, nothing, really. Uh, why don't you go play with your doll?

Michelle: Maybe I don't want to. Why don't you, answer Trevor's--(she pokes Preston.) did your shirt just, squeak? (Jason pulls out Preston.) A mouse! You've got a mouse!

Jason: I named him Preston.

Michelle: How do you do, Preston? Look, Miss Pretty Pretty, an available bachelor for your tea party.

Jason: Woah, woah, woah, Preston is a man's mouse.

Michelle: I was simply hoping to expose Preston to a little culture.

Jason: He doesn't need culture, he needs space adventure.

Michelle: Fine, when fuzzyface changes his mind, we'll have a lovely tea party waiting for him in the lot. Ta-ta!

(Jason has put Preston into the ship along with the penguins.)

Jason: All systems are go for Captain Preston of the Space Mouse Patrol! As the mighty ship prepares to launch! Three, two, (Preston jumps out.) Preston! Ugh!

(The ship roars to life as Preston stands on top of the glass dome.)

Zidgel: Forty-foot rodent!

(The dome opens, catapulting Preston off. Preston then goes to hide. As Jason goes to look for him, the ship approaches him.)

Zidgel: Cadet Jason T. Conrad, report for duty immdiately!

Jason: Huh? Oh, sure. Just give me a minute. I gotta find Preston

Zidgel: No time, cadet! We have an urgent mission in the Zembroid counstol? C-c-cancel? Calcul? Cornsep...whatever, it's that way.

Jason: Okay, but could you wait?

Zidgel: Dr. Fidgel, galeezel him!

(After Fidgel pulls Jason into the ship, the ship flies around the attic before going out into space.)

Zidgel: Our mission, Cadet Conrad, is a highly classified one. Kevin?

(Kevin is on a giant hamster wheel.)

Kevin: Huh? Oh, alright then!

Zidgel: As you can see from these photos, I was strikingly handsome even as an infant. Now here's one with me on my mommy's lap. Oh, here I am looking adorable! And ooh, there's my own high chair! Aww, wook at the wittle cutie coochie coo!

Jason: Uh, captain, the mission?

Fidgel: We are headed for Space Colony Doublewide. It's interstellar cyclonic doom funnel season there. And our cargo is their supply of emergency duct tape.

Jason: Emergency duct tape?

Fidgel: Yes, it's for lashing space colony modules together. Otherwise, they slip their moorings, and those fragile trailers bash each other in the high winds, until they're splintered into smithereens. If we don't get it there in time, the entire population is done for!

Midgel, Jason, and Kevin: (gasp)

Zidgel: Now can we get back to my baby pictures? Age two: like many a young lad, potty training was a hard road to hope, but as a pre-captain infant, I was able to buckle down to business.

(Midgel looks at the fuel gauge and notices it's nearly empty.)

Midgel: Empty. We're running on fumes. You told me you prepared everything for the mission!

Zidgel: Of course! And here it is! Styling gel, mousse, conditioner.

Midgel: But what about gas? You said you got gas.

Zidgel: And I did! But I'm feeling much better now, thank you.

Midgel: I meant rocket fuel!

Zidgel: Oh.

Jason: Uh, guys, wouldn't it be a good idea to get some more fuel quick before we totally run out?

Zidgel: Ah, good thinking, cadet!

Fidgel: There's a fueling station just up ahead.

Midgel: I see it, but if we're gonna make it, we'd better get there fast. Hang on, lad.

(Fidgel pulls out binoculars and looks at the two approaching gas stations. He eyes on called "Gasteroid," where fuel is two cents cheaper.)

Fidgel: Oh! It's two cents cheaper over there!

Midgel: I'm on it!

(Fidgel eyes the huge tank behind the station, notices the danger signs and panics.)

Fidgel: Eh, uh, captain, the, the, uh, fuel, there's a tank. It's...too fast.

Zidgel: (sighs) A captain's work is never done.

Zidgel: Give me those. Honestly, am I the only one around here who knows how to keep it together. Pffft, you don't see me losing my cool over a simple landing approach.

Fidgel: Midgel, the landing site, there's a tank! (screams)

Zidgel: Hey, pipe down over there! Guy can't even hear himself think around here. (Looks through the binoculars, but they're backwards.) Good grief, that thing is miles away, I don't know why you guys are so--(Fidgel turns the binoculars around and Zidgel gasps) Sweet spawning salmon, we're all gonna die!

Zidgel, Fidgel, and Jason: (scream).

(As the ship approaches the gas station, it runs out of fuel. As the ship sputters, it enters the gas station.)

Midgel: Whew, down to the last drop. (Looks back at the still frightened crew.) What? I told you we were gonna run out of gas.

(Kevin gets out of the ship to the snack shop.)

Zidgel: Now remember, one Chewy Chunky Glob of Fudge Bar, sugarless, some barbecued lard chips, and a Slimy Slurp, extra slime.

Kevin: Alright, then.

(Kevin leaves the shop as the gas station attendant finishes up. Once Kevin gets back in the ship, the ship rockets away from the station. Cut to inside the ship as Kevin gives the crew snacks he bought.)

Kevin: Uh, they were out of a Chewy Chunky Glob of Fudge, so I got you an Icky Gooey Slab of Slop.

Zidgel: It's not the same.

Kevin: Here's yours.

Midgel: Thanks, mate.

Kevin: Here you are, Fidgel.

Fidgel: Oh, delightful! Thank you, Kevin.

Kevin: And one for you.

Jason: Thanks!

Jason: What's that?

Kevin: Not sure really, I got it free with my Prune Trifle burrito.

Jason: B-I-N-G, Beneficial Imprinting Neuralnet Gizmo.

Kevin: B.I.N.G.

Jason: Look, here's the button to start it.

Jason: Hey, you guys, check this out.

Fidgel: Most interesting. I believe that B.I.N.G. has somehow imprinted on Kevin's behavior, like a newborn duckling does with the first creature it sees.

Midgel: You know, it's inspiring when two great minds meet.

Kevin: And this is Midgel. He's the pilot. He's got fifteen buttons.

Midgel: Right, see, this is the hyperspace modulator, and this one here is the auto-anti-gravitational transfu--

Kevin: And this is the one that goes "Vrrooom".

Midgel: Hey, don't touch that!

Midgel: Okay, now stop.

Midgel: Wow, did you see that? We must have been doing Warp 10. B.I.N.G., you're a corker.

Fidgel: B.I.N.G., you're amazing! You've tripled the sensitivity of my instruments. I never even knew what those last ten buttons were for.

Kevin: This is Jason. I'm afraid he hasn't got any buttons.

Jason: Unless you count my belly button.

Kevin: And this is Captain Zidgel, he's only got one button.

Zidgel: But it's a very big button.

Kevin: Any captainish problems B.I.N.G. can help you with? He's very helpful.

Zidgel: Well...

Kevin: I really liked that last one, though.

Jason: Woah, slam dunk!

Zidgel: Looks like Kevin's got himself a new best friend.

Midgel: Nothing like a best friend, I always say. I got three back home. How about you, Jason?

Jason: Uh, yeah, at least, I think I still do.

Fidgel: Captain, we're approaching Space Colony Doublewide.

Zidgel: Alright, men, prepare for land--!

Jason: Woah! Hey, what's happening?

Fidgel: There's something wrong. My instruments are indicating an approaching doom funnel, but with a power ten times greater than usual. It's at least a Force 200.

Zidgel: But it, it can't be! That only happens once every three gazillion years! And not until June!

Midgel: Then what's that?

Fidgel: This is dreadful! Those poor Doublewideans will never survive a Force 200 doom funnel!

Kevin: Look, there they are.

Zidgel: They're all doomed!

Midgel: No, look closer.

Jason: Everyone's gone. The place is deserted. They must have all evacuated when they saw the doom funnel coming.

Zidgel: An excellent plan. Midgel, reverse course! We're outta here!

Midgel: Aye-aye, Captain.

Fidgel: I'm picking up some kind of voice signal.

Zidgel: I bet it's one of those annoying telemarketers.

Zidgel: I'll handle this. Listen, fellow, we're not buying, and stop calling during dinner!

Fidgel: No, wait, I think it's a distress call from one of the trailers.

Midgel: But that's impossible, they've all evacuated.

Professor Wordsworth: This is Professor Wordsworth of the Space Colony Doublewide.

Fidgel: I knew it! Never fear, Professor, we're coming to rescue you!

Midgel: Hang on. I've identified the signal's source.

Professor Wordsworth: No, no, no, no, don't bother about me. I decided to stay. Not too often you get a chance to study a doom funnel of this size. My fellow Doublewideans disagree, of course. They think I'm quite mad. They've evacuated to the next colony over, Colony Trailerhedge. They'll be fine unless the doom funnel turns due east. At the moment, I could use a nice treat. I've got a real yearn for a Chewy Chunky Glob of Fudge.

Kevin: Sorry, how about an Icky Gooey Slab of Slop?

Professor Wordsworth: It's not the same.

Fidgel: Professor, you simply must come on board with us. The vortex is getting closer. You're facing certain destruction!

Professor Wordsworth: But the upside is a chance to study and perhaps learn to control the tornadoes that plague our colony. I judge this year's version to be at least a Force 210.

Fidgel: Really? I clocked it at 200 with an inverse ratio of plus five.

Jason: Hey, guys, the doom funnel is swinging back around! Shouldn't we get the professor on board?

Fidgel: Excellent suggestion! You know, Professor, my instruments here on our ship have been recently upgraded. Why don't you pop over for a look?

Professor Wordsworth: Well, I don't know.

Fidgel: (in singsong voice) I've got a dual panel broadwave transponder!

Professor Wordsworth: Oh, why didn't you say so? I'll be there in a jiffy!

Midgel: I can't control the ship much longer.

Professor Wordsworth: But we can't just leave! This is my home! What, what about my research? The colony? Our future survival depends on learning how to defend against the doom funnels.

Midgel: Sorry, Professor, but that thing's nearly got ahold of us. We'll need to fight our way out.

Zidgel: Dr. Fidgel, deploy deflector shields!

Fidgel: Aye-aye, Captain.

Zidgel: Put deflector shields on our shopping list! Activate cloaking device!

Midgel: What cloaking device?

Zidgel: Dr. Fidgel, add that to the list.

Midgel: Stand back, I'm throwing everything we've got at it.

Midgel: Nothing's working. We're done for!

Zidgel: I think not! A penguin never gives up! And hey, could be worse. Could be raining. (laughs)

Fidgel: It's flinging pink flamingos, and their little wire legs are piercing the hull. We can't hold out much longer.

Professor Wordsworth: You must let me return to my trailer to try to save my home!

Professor Wordsworth: (gasps) Now it's headed due east. Straight for my fellow Doublewideans.

Zidgel: Let's go, Midgel!

Jason: Wait, guys! Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act. And we've got B.I.N.G.

Kevin: I don't mean to be pushy, B.I.N.G., but is there any way you can save an entire civilization?

Jason: Alright! Slam dunk!

Crew and Professor Wordsworth: (cheer)

Professor Wordsworth: Remarkable!

Fidgel: A giant tape ball to cork the vortex!

Fidgel and Professor Wordsworth: An ingenious solution!

Kevin: And he came free with my burrito.

Zidgel: Whew, that was close! Well, Professor, I guess you found the answer to your doom funnel problem. Alright, penguins, our work here is done! Let's head on home!

Professor Wordsworth: Yes, home.

Kevin: B.I.N.G., um, I'm gonna have to leave you here, with the professor.

Kevin: I know, but those tornadoes will keep coming back, and he and his friends need you to help fight them. You're the only one who can help.

Kevin: I feel the same way, but we'll always have the Gasteroid.

Fidgel: Fascinating, now B.I.N.G. is imprinted on the professor.

Professor Wordsworth: This is most kind of you, Kevin. We shall forever remember your act of goodness. Now then, B.I.N.G., shall we see what we can do to spruce things up a bit before everyone returns?

Kevin: Goodbye, B.I.N.G.! I won't forget you!

Zidgel: Did I miss something? Seems to me we're down one robot in the deal.

Jason: Kevin just realized that it was wrong to keep B.I.N.G. to himself when he had a chance to do good for the professor and the whole colony. Do not withhold good from those who deserve it, when it is in your power to act.

Zidgel: Well, alright, he sure made a great little hair stylist, though. Penguins, let's head for home!

Zidgel: Captain's log, stardate...uh...Kevin?

Kevin: Trash pickup day?

Zidgel: Yes, thank you, trash day. I was looking for something a little more specific. Anyway, thanks to Jason's on the spot advice, B.I.N.G. has a new job, the Zembroid, constal, council? Cancel? The professor and his colony's day was saved, and most importantly, I've learned that hyperspace gives my skin a saucy glow.

Midgel: That's funny. I though I spotted a couple of crow's feet.

Zidgel: You may know engines, Midgel, but you've got a lot to learn about skin care. I do not have crow's feet. Penguins don't get crow's feet. They're laugh lines.

Jason: Preston! Come on, boy, where are you?

Michelle: And now, attending our bridal fashion show, our next lovely model

Jason: Oh, man!

Michelle: With an ivory silk train, a sonnet for springtime. You know, Preston was wondering if you met in Paris last season.

Jason: Ah, Preston! Don't answer that!

Michelle: Well, if it isn't a common party crasher.

Jason: (sighs)

Jason: And just today, I found this really excellent mouse named Preston. Well, guess that's about it. Glad you're having a great summer, too. As someone I know once said, "Ain't nothing like a best friend." Oh, in case you're a little homesick, here's something to help cheer you up. Maybe next year we can try to break our record on that coaster. Signed, your best bud, Jason.

Grandmum: Nighty night, cupcakes. Time to say your prayers.

Jason and Michelle; Dear God.

Michelle: Please bless Grandmum and keep Mom and Dad safe on their trip.

Jason: And thank you for teaching me the importance of doing good things for people whenever I have the chance. And please watch over Preston. He's a really great mouse.

Michelle: Even if he did eat the bridal bouquet.

Jason and Michelle: Amen.

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