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This is the episode transcript for The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka.


(The episode opens with a montage of clips from the previous episode, underscored with narration from both Jason and Michelle.)

Jason: (mimics static sound) This is stranded space commander Jason T. Conrad reporting from planet Grandmum's house.

Michelle: Along with your hostess for today's tea party, Michelle Conrad.

Jason: Uh cisregard the preceding transmission, Star base.

Michelle: Unless you need a fashion consultant to coordinate your ship's interior.

Jason: Cut it out Michelle, and stop dressing those penguin toys in your doll's clothes.

Michelle: Look! I found the penguin toys. Why don't you just play with that spaceship you found in the attic?

Jason: (mimics static sound) Affirmative, star base! Exploring new alien life forms discovered here, a crew of space penguins and their spaceship.

Michelle: Ooh! Looks like they could use another spot of tea. Here you are, gentlemen.

Jason: Urgent report! We are in a jam here, star base. The video receiver is disabled and the resident alien grandmum being has only strange food for provisions. Request permission to continue on to destination space camp for the summer! Over!

Michelle: Mom said you could go to space camp after they get back from their trip.

Jason: Roger that, star base! I will use my survival training for the summer here with space stewardess Michelle--

Michelle: Space flight attendant Michelle.

Jason: Along with our new found spacecraft and crew mates. You know, star base, it might not be that bad of a summer after all! This is Commander Conrad. Over and out! (mimics static sounds)

(Cut to black.)

(After the theme song and the title card shown, fade-in to Jason and Michelle playing a board game.)

Jason: Yellow-capped whopper dingy to D-1, Squid Hopper.

Michelle: Yes, four in a row. And that ties it up two games a piece.

Jason: Not so fast, I get to use my Squid Hopper. (in muffled voice) This could decide it, folks.

Michelle: That's pretty annoying, you know. Do you have to do it every time?

Jason: (in muffed voice) That's right. The championship comes down to this last move.

(He squeezes the bulb and the squid fires.)

Grandmum: Oh, look here. You found me Squid-Tac-Toad.

Jason: Yup.

Michelle: I love this game, Grandmum!

Grandmum: Oh, I don't blame you, love. Nothing like a good tournament of Squid-Tac-Toad. You know, your granddad got that for me on our fifth anniversary, when we was down under in Bullamanka.

Michelle: Down under what?

Jason: It means Australia.

Grandmum: He and I would hold our own Squid-Tac-Toad tournaments, just around this time of year. Oh, if only he could see his two grandkids playing the Squid-Tac-Toad he got me on our fifth anniversary, down under in Bullamanka. Oh well, good memories, all that matters. So, how's the tournament coming?

Jason: Michelle just tied us at two games each.

Michelle: That means just one more to go, and I'll be the champion.

Grandmum: Oh, the summer games. Well, I'm sure you're both jolly good opponents, but truth be known, I think the females got the upper hand in this game.

Jason: What? Why is that?

Grandmum: I don't know, really. Suppose it could be that dainty fingers are better for the spinners.

Jason: Well, we'll see about that. Let's go, Michelle.

Michelle: For the championship.

(The game begins as they both spin the spinners.)

Jason: (in muffed voice) Red-Naped Ib to D-3.

(First, the kids put their pieces in certain spots. After a while, Jason knocks one of Michelle' pieces out and puts it in a hole. Jason then knocks another piece off the board. As they near the end of the game, A1 is left empty.)

Jason: Ooh, the deciding spin. A hush falls over the crowd. Drumroll, please. (imitates drum sounds)

(Michelle, worrying she'll lose, decides to bend the rules. First, she talks to the penguins in the ship.)

Michelle: Oh, hi there,...Pidgel.

Jason: What? (While Jason is looking away, Michelle moves the spinner to Yellow Capped whopper dingy.) Okay, okay. I know you don't believe me about them being alive and all, but you don't have to keep making fun of me too.

Michelle: Hmm? Yes!

Jason: Aw, man, so close. Well, you're officially Squid-Tac-Toad champ. Must be those dainty fingers.

Michelle: Yep, must be. It was a tense battle, but through cunning strategy and sheer skill, I emerge victorious.

Jason: Well, sheer luck, anyway. Nice tournament, champ.

(Michelle looks at the penguins in the ship. When she removes her glasses, they appear blurry.)

Michelle: What? Don't look at me like that, I didn't do anything. I'm the champ, I didn't cheat.

Grandmum: Well, of course you didn't cheat, dearie.

Michelle: (startled) Huh?

(One of her fish pieces flies out of her hand and into Grandmum's laundry basket.)

Grandmum: You know better than that.

Michelle: Grandmum.

Grandmum: You know what the Good Book says about cheating, don't you? "The Lord hates cheating scales, but accurate weights are His delight."

Michelle: I don't know what that means.

Grandmum: Say, mm, oh! Well, say I take five pounds of socks to the laundry, but the chap at the launderettes fixes his scales so it says I've got ten pounds. Now, I've got to pay double for washing me socks. That's a cheating scale. It's like stealing.

Michelle: But, these aren't socks.

Grandmum: It's the same with playing a game, except instead of cheating someone out of their money, you're cheating them out of the good feeling they'd get from winning fair and square. And you don't really win, do you, love? When you cheat, everyone loses. That's why God loves it when we play fair. Everyone wins! Not many feelings better than winning fair and square, hmm.

Michelle: Oh.

Grandmum: Well, congratulations on your victory. (the smoke alarm goes off) Woah, sounds like me lemon sponge is ready.

(Grandmum goes into the kitchen to shut off the smoke alarm.)

Michelle: I didn't cheat. I just bent the rules, a little.

(Michelle squeezes the bulb on the squid, shooting a game piece at the ship, making it spin, fall off the table, bounce around and fly. The ship roars to life and approaches a very surprised Michelle.)

Zidgel: Michelle Frances Conrad!

Michelle: Uh, Jason, it's for you!

Zidgel: Not so fast! You're the one we need this time!

Michelle: Jason was right, you guys are alive.

Midgel: Either that or you're daydreaming.

Kevin: Whoa, deja-vu.

Zidgel: Dr. Fidgel, galeezel her.

Fidgel: Right away, Captain.

Midgel: Hang on.

(Fidgel's galeezel gun fires and the claw pops out of the ship, grabbing Michelle.)

Michelle: Wait!

(Fidgel reels Michelle into the ship.)

Michelle: Aaaaagh.

(Michelle is brought into the ship.)

Fidgel: Amazing, an exact duplicate of your brother, only with pigtails!

Michelle: We're, we're not identical twins, we're just the same age. Well, I'm, I'm five minutes older, but--

Kevin: There's no Pidgel.

Midgel: And no glasses. Wait a minute, Fidgel, you missed the glasses.

Fidgel: Right, sorry.

Michelle: Oh, and don't worry about the glasses. Really, I don't need them.

Midgel: Sure you do, kid. You gotta wear your glasses.

Zidgel: Unless they leave red marks on your beak.

(Fidgel galeezels the glasses.)

Michelle: Oh, they make me look silly.

Zidgel: See that? They make me look silly! Um, I mean, they make her look silly.

Fidgel: Nonsense, I'm sure she looks just smashing.

(Midgel, Fidgel, and Kevin applaud for Michelle)

Zidgel: Well, crew, why don't we save the chit-chat for our next tea party? Right now, we've got a bandicoot to save!

Midgel, Fidgel, and Kevin: Right.

Midgel: Hang on!

Midgel: Bonsai!!!

(A tiny tree from Planet Wait-Your-Turn pops up and Midgel clips the whole thing down. The ship then flies around the cottage for a few seconds before leaving through the chimney.)

Zidgel: Okay, let's make the briefing, uh--

Kevin: Brief?

Zidgel: Yes, well (clears throat) I'm--

Michelle: Let me guess. You're, uh, Midgel!

Midgel: What?

Fidgel: No, actually--

Michelle: Midgel!

Midgel: Yeah?

Fidgel: But I'm--

Zidgel: Captain.

Michelle: Huh?

Midgel: Who?

Fidgel: Fidgel.

Michelle: Fidgel?

Zidgel: No, Zidgel.

Michelle: Zidgel?!

Fidgel: I'm Fidgel.

Kevin: Banananana.

Zidgel: Uh, Midgel.

Midgel: Me?

Fidgel: My.

Zidgel: No, Fidgel. Zidgel.

(brief silence)

Zidgel: And that's Kevin!

(Kevin is taking care of the laundry. While doing so, the static electricity makes the socks stick to him.)

Kevin: (muffled voice) Hello!

Michelle: Nice to meet you all. My brother has told me a lot about you.

Zidgel: All good, I hope! (laughs) Uh, anyway, look, Michelle, we've got word of a problem at the Colossal Aussie Colosseum on Space Base Bullamanka.

Michelle: C-col, Colosia Calsium?

Zidgel: Out back. Down under. Counter-clockwise.

Fidgel: We've received a strange distress call from the king of the Bandicoots.

Zidgel: Bandicoots.

(As Kevin walks away from the dryer, one sock sticks to his backside because of static electricity.)

Fidgel: He's hosting the royal ground tournament of one of their local tradition games. However, it seems the final championship game has been suspended under some kind of protest.

Zidgel: And we've been instructed to go and help sort things out.

Fidgel: Yes, as ombudsmen.

(The film freezes as a caption defining the word is shown.)

Female voice: Ombudsmen: A group sent to help settle an argument.

(Kevin writes "Penguins" over "men" with a red marker. The episode then resumes.)

Michelle: Wow, so let's get on with the mission. Buckle up for landing, everyone.

Zidgel: Woah, slow down there, missy. I don't think you have a full appreciation of the demands of space travel. It's much--

Kevin: (wipes the word off with a cloth) Sorry.

Zidgel: As I was saying, space travel can take hours, days, even several days. It's not like in those TV shows where they just go zipping around--

Midgel: Coming up on Bullamanka.

Zidgel: Uh, buckle up for landing, everyone.

Michelle: (claps hands)

(As the ship approaches, the crew all get in their inflatable seats and buckle up.)

Zidgel: Say, that terrain looks pretty rough. What's the landing approach protocol for this scenario?

(Midgel turns the ship until we see a more flat terrain with a colosseum on the surface.)

Zidgel: Engage landing gear!

Midgel: Engaging landing gear.

Fidgel: Fantastic! First try of the new landing gear. Hope it works.

Michelle: You mean you've never tested it?

Fidgel: Tested?

Midgel: Tested?

Zidgel: Tested?

Kevin: I like your pigtails. When's tea?

(The ship's landing gear is lowered. It turns out to be a pair of robotic legs with shoes. They start moving as the ship comes closer to landing. When the ship touches the surface, it does a front flip and skids across the ground.)

Rockhopper crew: Woah!

(The ship slides along the ground and stops in a doorway, blocking it. A front door on the ship opens.)

Zidgel: Midgel, you're a genius.

Fidgel: Smoothest landing yet.

Kevin: Like butter.

Midgel: Why, thank you, you're all too kind.

Michelle: What, did the landing gear break off?

Fidgel: Identical.

(The crew and Michelle enter the arena, where the playing field resembles the Squid-Tac-Toad gameboard.)

Lizard King: Oy, penguins. You can't just lob in on our tournament here!

(The Lizard King turns off the holographic playing field.)

Zidgel: Easy there, my good lizard. We've come only to arbitrate the contest.

Bandicoot King: (O.S.) Then tell him to let me out of this cage! I'm endangered, mate!

Michelle: Who said that?

Lizard King: Never you mind, cuz you're too late. The game has been won, and I'm the new champ. As I am the new champ, I'm taking my right, as champ, to drop the loser's pieces down the gurgler, as is my right.

Bandicoot King: (O.S.) Hang on a sec, he cheated!

Lizard King: Quiet, you! (His frills open as he says this.)

Zidgel: That was freaky.

Midgel: Hold it. If you're the winner, where's the other player?

Bandicoot King: Over here, mate! (The camera focuses on the source of the voice.) I don't want to be sent down the gurgler.

Fidgel: How did he get in that cage?

Bandicoot King: I was winning, but then those blokes stuffed me in here! (Focuses on two koalas.) That lizard's a cheat--

Lizard King: Quiet! (Frills open again.) As you can plainly see, there's no opponent over there. (Focus on the empty control panel.) The game is over, I win by forfeit. (Prepares to pull a lever.)

Michelle: But that doesn't make any sense.

Zidgel: Woah, slow down there, missy, I think this gentleman understands the rules of the game. After all, he is the champion.

Michelle: Penguins, huddle.

Zidgel: Um, right. Uh, huddle up, everybody!

Zidgel: Okay, so, uh, what do we do?

Midgel: Well, you know, no job's too hard when you use your--

Michelle: I recognize what it is they're playing. It's a great big version of Squid-Tac-Toad. I've played it before. Actually, back on Earth, I'm the champion.

Fidgel: Champion?

Michelle: Uh, yeah, champion. Plus, I'm a girl. I have the upper hand.

Midgel: Well, that may be, Michelle, but--

Lizard King: Michelle? Michelle the champion?

Zidgel: Hey, you can't peek into our huddle.

Kevin: That's cheating.

(The Lizard King opens his frills again.)

Lizard King: Well, I'm a great admirer of yours, Michelle. Your fame as a Squid-Tac-Toad player is known throughout the galaxy.

Michelle: It is?

Lizard King: I've studied your tactics. I know of your strategies. I must say, I'm impressed.

Michelle: You are?

Lizard King: Impressed, but not intimidated. Because I myself am of champion caliber as well.

(Michelle raises eyebrow)

Lizard King: I know what you're thinking. (uses frill to make fake pigtails) "But he's not a girl, how could he ever become champ?" Well, have a squiz at these! (shows off his bony fingers)

(Kevin faints, Zidgel's eyes open wide, Midgel and Fidgel cover their eyes. Michelle just rolls her eyes.)

Lizard King: Well, Michelle, how's about a game? (Michelle thinks about this.) Double or nothing.

Michelle: What?

Lizard King: You win, everyone goes free. I win, all the captured pieces take a trip down the gurgler.

Michelle: Just what does that mean, exactly?

Lizard King: It means you'll never see them again!

Zidgel: Now, see here!

Michelle: Huddle.

Zidgel: Yes, right. Okay, then. Uh, we'll be right with you.

(Lizard King runs up to his control panel.)

Zidgel: What do you think? Can you take him?

Midgel: I don't think we've got much choice, now, do we?

Fidgel: You can do it, Michelle.

Kevin: We believe in you.

Michelle: Okay, I'll do it. I think I could take him. I've got to save the Bandicoot King of Bullamanka from going down the gurgler.

Penguins: Yay, Michelle!

(The crowd goes wild.)

Lizard King: So, you're going to give it a bash then, eh?

Michelle: That's right. Where are my game pieces?

(We see the Lizard King's game pieces and Michelle's. However, three of them are already in the cage with the Bandicoot King.)

Lizard: Well, I've got most of mine, but seems most of yours are up there. And as anyone knows, an unarmed opponent means a forfeit. It also means I win again!

Michelle: What?

Lizard King: I'm still reigning champ, and it looks like you're up the gum tree. Sorry, Michelle. And sorry to you too, Mr. Bandicoot! (Prepares to pull the lever again.)

Michelle: Wait! I'll find my own pieces.

Lizard King: Now where in the galaxy are you going to find three more Red-Naped Ibs?

(Michelle looks back at the penguins. Soon, Zidgel, Midgel and Fidgel are wearing red attire. Cut to a broken Squid-Hopper in a dumpster.)

Lizard King: You'll need another Squid-Hopper.

(Now, Kevin is dressed as a squid. Cut to Michelle as she looks at her control panel.)

Lizard King: Let the games begin!

(The koalas blow on their digeridoos as the holographic playing field turns back on. The penguins watch as three red naped ibs stand on one leg. They then do the same.)

Lizard King: And we're off!

(He and Michelle spin the spinners.)

Announcer: Red-Naped Ib to D-3.

(Fidgel's hoverboard floats over to D3. He sees himself on the screen and waves to the crowd as "Hello, My Baby" plays briefly.)

Lizard King: Well, I can see I'm dealing with a formidable opponent.

(Both players spin again. Soon, the spinners stop on the Toad-Roller.)

Announcer: Yellow-Capped Whopper Dingy to B-2, Toad-Roller.

(Lizard King pushes a button which opens a door, and out rolls a robotic, three-wheeled toad, which rolls over to Fidgel's spot.)

Fidgel: I say, what's going on? What is this thing?

Michelle: The Toad-Roller is gonna try and knock you off your square, Fidgel. Hold on!

Fidgel: To what?

(The Toad-Roller's mouth opens and fires a red ball at Fidgel, knocking him off his hoverboard.)

Michelle: Drat.

(The Lizard King lets out a small glass bubble that beams Fidgel to the Bandicoot King's cage, much to Zidgel's and Midgel's shock. Before he lands in the cage, his glasses drop onto the Bandicoot King before he lands on top of him.)

Fidgel: Oops, sorry.

(Midgel and Zidgel sigh with relief, knowing their friend is safe, for now. The game continues as a yellow-capped whopper dingy moves to B2. For the rest of the game, there is little to no talking. After one red-naped ib moves to a square, the spinners stop on the Toad-Roller again. The Toad-Roller moves and knocks the bird off its hoverboard. The bird is then transported to the cage on the left. Segue to the koalas eating plants from a popcorn bag as Kevin hops onto the field, ready to knock a fish off their hoverboard.)

Zidgel: Ooh, ooh, ooh!

(Kevin throws the ball, but it bounces off the fish's head and hits him. Segue to the koalas holding up their hands as the crowd goes wild. Meanwhile, the Bandicoot King tries to get out of the cage using a metal file, even though he could just easily slip past the bars. As the Toad-Roller knocks another bird out, he frantically tries to cut faster. Meanwhile, Midgel inflates Kevin's ball to give him a better chance at knocking off the fishes. As he hops across the field, one of the koalas throws a banana peel onto the field, making Kevin slip. The ball flies out of his hands, bounces off Michelle's panel and out of the stadium as the Lizard King and the yellow-capped whopperdingies watch. After bouncing off President No-I'm-The-President, the ball goes back into the stadium, hits Zidgel on the head and knocks three fishes off their hoverboards, much to the Lizard King's disappointment and the amazement of Fidgel, the Bandicoot King and one red-naped ib. The three fishes fall into the right cage. Back to the field as Midgel is confronted by the Toad-Roller, knocked off and put in the cage. The Lizard King then looks at square A1, the computer, then his koala minions, who rush off down the steps. Michelle and the Lizard King spin again. The Lizard King gives a wink and a digeridoo appears behind Michelle.)

Lizard King: Michelle, behind you! It's a didgeridoo!

(The koala blows into the instrument, startling Michelle. Meanwhile, the spinner stops on Squid-Hopper, but the other koala throws a boomerang at the spinner, making it stop on Toad-Roller, much to Michelle's shock.)

Michelle: Oh no.

(The koalas whistle casually as Zidgel moves to A1.)

Kevin: Wait a minute, he cheated. I saw him.

Zidgel: Hold on there, Lizard!

Lizard King: There will be no talking by the game pieces!

Zidgel: Woah. Hey, not so fast.

Kevin: But I saw him.

Lizard King: Silence!

(the Toad-Roller aims at Zidgel and knocks him off his hoverboard. He is then beamed into the left cage.)

Lizard King: Good on ya! Five in a row, that's game! Say g'day, mates!

(The Lizard King pulls the lever and the cage holding the penguins, Bandicoot King and red-naped ibs starts to tilt. Michelle takes control of Kevin and moves him to the cage. Before the cage completely tilts, it stops. Kevin is shown holding the cage up.)

Kevin: Hello!

Lizard King: Trying to delay the proceedings, eh? Well, you can't hold up that cage forever, squidy. So how's about I help speed things along?

(The Lizard King moves the Toad-Roller to the gurgler and starts to take aim at Kevin.)

Michelle: Wait! Uh, uh, the Lord hates cheating scales, but accurate weights are His delight.

Lizard King: I don't know what that means.

(He prepares to fire, but Michelle stops him.)

Michelle: No, wait! Listen to me! If you've got five pounds of socks in a ten-pound basket, well, where are ya? (Lizard King looks back at his minions, but they just shrug.) When you cheat, you're taking something that isn't yours. Not only are you taking away my chance to win the game and save my friends, you're also taking away your own chance to win the game fair and square, to be a real champion. God loves it when we play fair, that way everyone wins. And there aren't many feelings better than winning fair and square.

(The Lizard King prepares to push a button, but looks back at his koala minions as they cry. After thinking for a few seconds, he pushes the button. Kevin falls and everyone falls out of the cage. Fortunately, they don't go down the gurgler, since the Lizard King has closed it.)

Lizard King: You know, you've got something there, missy. I've won a lot of games by cheating, but of all the things it's got me, a good feeling wasn't one of them. The only way to really be a winner is to play by the rules.

(The Bandicoot King pops out from under Kevin.)

Bandicoot King: Well then, how's about another game then, mate?

Lizard King: This time, on the level. Reset the playing field!

(Both koalas give thumbs up as three glass bubbles fly out above the field. The Bandicoot King hops across the hoverboards before being transported to the Lizard King's control panel.)

Lizard King: Uh, sorry bout the cheat, mate.

Bandicoot King: No worries, mate.

(They both shake hands as Michelle walks down to the field as the penguins remove their red attire.)

Zidgel: Well done, Michelle. Say, how do you like the redhead look?

Michelle: Eh, too woodpecker.

(Zidgel is transported to another hoverboard between two red-naped ibs.)

Zidgel: (laughs like Woody Woodpecker)

(Cut to the ship as it leaves the stadium. Cut to inside the ship as Zidgel talks into the microphone.)

Zidgel: Stardate Saturday, the Bandicoot King of Bullamanka has been saved, thanks to Michelle's excellent gameplaying skills and her wonderful oratory on playing by... the.... rules. Uh, hold on, stardate. (To Michelle, who looks rather unhappy.) For someone who just saved an endangered king, you're looking a little blue. Oxygen levels okay?

Michelle: It's just that, well, I'm not really feeling like a champion.

Zidgel: And why is that?

Fidgel: Well, it's not the oxygen levels, I can assure you.

Michelle: It's probably because when Jason and I played that final championship game, I cheated to win.

Penguins: (gasp)

Fidgel: Whoop, there they go.

Michelle: I just really wanted to win that last game against Jason, but afterwards, the more I thought about it, the worse I felt, about the tournament, Jason, everything.

Zidgel: You know, Michelle, we had a saying back at the Academy. Cheating always, uh, no. Okay, how did that go? Um, right. Cheating never, um. No wait, that's not it. Eh, let's see. Uh, hm, ah, when a cheater cheats, the cheatee....

(As Zidgel tries to remember what he learned, Michelle talks to Kevin.)

Michelle: Uh, I think I know what I need to do.

(Midgel hits the accelerator.)

Zidgel: Cheateree! Woah!

(Michelle is now back in the cottage, with the ship in hand.)

Jason: Hey there, champ, you seen that toy spaceship anywhere?

Michelle: You mean the penguins' ship?

Jason: Yeah, it's--wait a minute, I thought--

Michelle: Jason, I've learned a thing or two.

Jason: Hmm, wasn't it cool?

(Fade to later that evening.)

Grandmum: Alright, me loves. Lights out. Don't forget to say your prayers.

Jason: Dear God.

Michelle: Thank You for Mom and Dad, and keep them safe on their trip.

Jason: And for Grandmum, and for the penguins, and for the Squid-Tac-Toad game, even though Michelle was the champ.

Michelle: Uh, Jason?

Jason: Yeah?

Michelle: About that game, I'm not really the champ.

Jason: What?

Michelle: I cheated, but I learned a lot about playing by the rules with the penguins.

Jason: Oh.

Michelle: I'm sorry. Will you forgive me?

Jason: Uh, sure, but you know what this means?

Michelle: What?

Jason: Rematch, after breakfast.

Michelle: You're on.

Michelle: And thanks for teaching me that I need to play fair and square.

Jason: And help me to beat Michelle.

Michelle: And help me to beat Jason.

Jason and Michelle: Amen.

(End of transcript)