Sneeze if You Have To! is the 24th Silly Song.


The Announcer: And now it's time for Silly Songs with Larry, the part of the show where Larry comes out and sings a silly song. Bob the Tomato, unable to sneeze visits the Sneeze Doctor.

Bob the Tomato: Please, can someone help me? I need to sneeze.

Mr. Lunt: Wait for the Sneeze Doctor. Just take a seat, he'll be right with you.

Larry the Cucumber: Sneeze if you have to! Sneeze if you need to! Don't hold it in, just be sure that you cover your mouth with a tissue. I will assist you. Sneeze all your troubles away at up to a hundred and fifty miles an hour!

Mr. Lunt: Interesting fact: The avarage sneeze travels at a rate of one hundred miles an hour. In 2003, Dirk Evert of Grunholz, Germany clocked in at one-fifty. Way to go, Dirk!

Dirk Evert: Danke! (Translation: Thank you!)

Larry the Cucumber: I think I have a remedy, perhaps in my potpourri, I bought it from a merchant in Spain! For ultimate sneeze satisfaction try allergic reaction. Take a deep breath, if it helps you can squint at the sun. Or here's some pepper. Let's see, I know! Try this feather! Don't be afraid! Set it free! Let it go! Go! Go! Go, go, go, go!

Mr. Lunt: Interesting fact: The photic sneeze reflex, or sneezing when exposed to bright light is a genetic trait found in twenty-five percent of the population. Including Dirk.

Dirk Evert: Achoo!

Cat: Meow.

Bob the Tomato: Ah. Ah-ah-ah. Ah-ah-ah. Ah-ah-ah ah ah-ah-ah. Ah-ah-ah ah ah ah-

Larry the Cucumber: Spain!

Bob the Tomato: Achoo!

Mr. Lunt: Gesundheit. Which interestingly means "good health" in German.

Dirk Evert: Ja! (Translation: Yeah!)

All: Sneeze if you have to! Sneeze if you need to! But apologize if you accidentally sneeze on your neighbor, do them a favor, offer them coffee and crumb cake, or maybe a small side of french fries, soon we will reprise! (Bob continues sneezing and knocks over the entire set in the process)

Bob: Ah-choo! A-ah-achoo! Agh! Make it stop! Oh, eh-ehh-choo!! Eh... ohhh... daah! Egeh-egeh-ehh-aigehgeh-AHHH-CHOO!!!

The Annoucer: This has been Silly Songs with Larry. Tune in next time to hear Dirk say:

Dirk Evert: Ich bin ein sneezer! (Translation: I am a sneezer!)




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