Sheerluck Holmes and the Golden Ruler/Transcript

This is an episode transcript for Sheerluck Holmes and the Golden Ruler.

Transcript

(Scene opens to Bob and Larry on the Countertop.)

Bob: Hi, kids! Welcome to VeggieTales! I'm Bob the tomato!

Larry: And I'm Larry the cucumber! And we're here to answer your questions.

Bob: That's right. And today's question comes from little Erica Bangeman of Minot, North Dakota.

Larry: Hey, little Erica! How's it goin' there in Minot? 'Minot' be perfect, but it sure beats South Dakota!

(rimshot sound)

Bob: Larry, you can't say that!

Larry: What?

Bob: Well, you just insulted South Dakota.

Larry: Well but, I was just making a little joke. 'Minot' be the best joke ever, but I think...

(Another rimshot sound)

Bob: Larry, we have a lot fans in South Dakota. It's a lovely place... every bit as nice as North Dakota.

Larry: Well, it 'Minot' be so bad... if it weren't for the Bad Lands!

(Yet another rimshot sound)

Larry: Oh, yeah! I'm on a roll!

(Bob hops up to the camera.)

Bob: My apologies, South Dakota.

Larry: Well, what's the letter say?

Bob: "Dear Bob and Larry, my family just moved to Minot. I started going to a new school and I don't know anybody. I want to make new friends, which got me wondering... what do you think it takes to be a good friend? Sincerely, Erica."

Larry: Oh, wow. That's a good question. Does she have a speed boat? That might help.

Bob: No, Larry... being a good friend has nothing to do with having a speed boat.

Larry: What about a bag of lollypops?

Bob: Or having a bag of lollypops.

Larry: Well, I'm out of ideas.

Bob: However, I know a couple of stories that might just help answer that question for both you and Erica.

Larry: A speedboat 'Minot' make you a better...

(One more rimshot sound)

Bob: (abruptly) Roll film!

(The screen goes dark, before opening to a land looking like it is made entirely out of food and cooking utensils. On the hill, a man by the name of Don Quixote (played by Archibald Asparagus) comes up on the hill, just as the story's title "The Asparagus of La Mancha" appears on the screen. Don finds himself approached by a horde of pea soldiers that are standing on the hill opposite of him, before they pull out forks like swords.)

Pea Soldier # 1: Man de la Mancha!

(The pea soldiers start catapulting giant hamburgers at Don, before one hamburger hits his horse, causing his horse to start rolling down the hill towards the pea soldiers. Another hamburger is catapulted at Don and hits him, just as Don wakes up in bed, revealing it all to be just a dream.)

Don: Noooooooo!

(Don falls out of bed, which then folds up,just as his friend Pancho (played by Mr. Lunt) approaches him.)

Pancho: Hey buddy! Dreaming about losing to me at checkers again?! Don't take it so hard... I'll give you another shot at the checker king after work!

Don: Thank you for your concern, Pancho, my old friend, but it was much more than merely a bad dream.

Pancho: Was it a wretched dream?

Don: Not quite.

Pancho: Insufferable?

Don: No.

Pancho: Objectionable? Hideous? Malodorous?

Don: Pancho, I believe I just had the impossible dream.

Pancho: Just by definition, wouldn't that be... impossible? Maybe you just had a difficult dream. Or perhaps an impossibly strenuous dream. Or even...

Don: Look, it was my dream and it was impossible, all right.

Pancho: The lunch crowd will be here soon.

Don: Dream or no dream, it's time to get to work.

(Scene switches to Pancho and Don catering to all of the customers during the lunch hour.)

Pancho: Two cows still mooing and a hail Caesar, hold the bird.

Don: Order up. Noah's boy on bread, side of frog sticks.

Pancho: Drag'em through the garden?

Don: With a stop in the Alps!

(Jean-Claude suddenly enters the restaurant.)

Jean-Claude: Everyone! Terrible news! A new restaurant is opening up in town!

Don: Oh Poncho, did you hear? That means competition, we might as well close our doors right now.

(All of the customers are laughing, making fun of Don.)

Poncho: Hey, don't worry. Maybe a restaurant has come and gone but we're still standing.

Jean-Claude: This is not just any restaurant. It is The Food Factory.

(All the customers gasp.)

Don: Did you say The Food Factory?

Jean-Claude: Oui. They are the most popular franchise in the world. No other restaurants within 50 miles of them can stay open.

Don: Do you by chance know exactly where they're opening their new restaurant?

Jean-Claude: Oui.

(Scence switch cuts to outside of the restaurant, we see a wooden bulldozer coming, and entering a huge dust cloud.)

Don: Don't worry, Pancho. The construction alone could stretch out for years.

(The bulldozer leaves as the dust cloud lifts to show the quickly completed Food Factory.)

Don: But there's no conceivable way they could open for business any time soon.

(The lights of The Food Factory turn on along with the open sign.)

Pancho: I wonder how long it'll take for them to attract a crowd.

(A neon sign reading "Food as big as your head" turns on.)

Pancho: You don't think...

Don: Perish the thought. Our customers are true-blue. They'll never desert us.

(All the customers run out of the restaurant, leaving every table empty. Don watches with shock as people line up to enter The Food Factory. Don then looks up at the burger shaped neon light.)

Don: Wait a minute. This is it! This was in my dream! My impossible dream was warning me about The Food Factory. It's all coming true!

Pancho: Did your dream possibly tell you how to get our customers back?

(All day, everyone goes to the Food Factory instead of Cafe La Mancha. Fade to later that night as Don and Pancho are playing checkers. Don looks sadly at the new restaurant while eating corn chips with salsa.)

Don: What am I going to do?

Pancho: I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to king me.

(Don tosses a single chip onto a black piece.)

Pancho: That'll do.

Don: How can we possibly fight this? (eats a chip.)

Pancho: Look, we'll restructure. We'll find an area they're not covering and do that. Your move.

(Don moves a red piece forward. Pancho moves a black piece three spaces.)

Pancho: I win!

(Don eats another chip)

Don: But they do everything. They have food as big as your head.

(Don gets up and goes back inside the restaurant while Pancho helps himself to the chips. After dipping one in the salsa, he eats it. But the salsa's way too spicy for him.)

Pancho: Yikes! What's in this stuff?

Don: I don't know what to do, old friend. I'm afraid everything we've worked for is over.

Pancho: I can't believe my ears. We've made it through thick and thin together. This is no different.

Don: That's where you're wrong, Pancho. I'm afraid it's never been this thin.

(Don goes back inside the restaurant.)

Pancho: Hey, Don. Rematch tomorrow night?

(Fade to the kitchen as Don pulls down his bed from inside the wall.)

Don; (yawns) What am I going to do?

(As he drifts off to sleep, he has another dream in the same land as before. As he goes over the hill, he sees a single mirror. He walks up to it and sees his reflection is all warped.)

Don: Heavens!

(Another mirror walks up, showing a warped image of Scooter in armor.)

Don: Oh, my!

(More mirrors show up, showing warped images of Mr. Nezzer, Jimmy Gourd, Larry, Bob, and Salvador Dali. Don panics as they all walk closer to him.)

Don: Help. Help! Help!

(Don wakes up and falls out of his bed, which folds back up into the wall.)

Pancho: That's right. You'll need a whole lot of help to take down the checker king, man. (Pancho enters the kitchen.) I'm glad you're up, because I've been thinking, and I've got a couple of great ideas that are guaranteed to turn this place around.

Don: No, I believe I have the solution. My first dream told me what was to come. Last night's dream has revealed how we will combat the Food Factory.

Pancho: Oh, okay. But like I said, I've got some ideas, too.

Don: Yes, yes, fine. In my dream, every time I looked in a mirror, I saw a different reflection, which can only mean, that to succeed, I need to be different than I am now.

Pancho: Maybe it just means you need to clean the mirrors in your dreams.

Don: We need to change the look and image of the restaurant. Make it different. Something more entertaining. Pancho, I've dreamed the impossible theme, and we're going to make it happen!

(Don exits the kitchen. Pancho pulls out two coupons.)

Pancho: With 2 for 1 coupons!

(He sighs and tosses them away. Fade to later that day as Don and Pancho are going for a Chinese theme. Pancho rings a gong, grabbing two folks' attention.)

Pancho: Run, don't "wok." Get it? W, O, K,-- wok-- to Donny HA HA. (rings the gong again.)

(The plan fails.)

Pancho: I don't think this is going to work.

Don: Patience, my friend. Patience.

(Later that day, they go for a more silly sounding restaurant called...)

Pancho: La Koo Koo Mancha! Our prices are so low, you'll think we're crazy!

(This plan fails too. Pancho walks away and tosses the loudspeaker.)

Pancho: We're crazy alright.

Don: Just wait. It'll work.

(Later that day, they turn the restaurant into a coffee shop.)

Pancho: Joppa Java. Why pay a little for coffee when you can pay a lot?

Don: This is my best idea yet! (Looks around for customers, but sees no one.) Where is everyone?

(Another failure. The customers at the Food Factory laugh at their attempts.)

Customer #1: Hey, Pancho. Forget about that old café. Come work over here! Look at how much food they serve!

(That evening, Don and Pancho try a Chuck E. Cheese-esque pizza restaurant. As a robotic mouse says "Cheesy" and Don and Pancho wear pizza hats and hold pizza dishes, all the customers laugh at this attempt too. Frustrated, Don throws the pizza dish and walks back inside as the mouse breaks. Pancho sees the checkerboard all set up.)

Pancho: Don...hey, look! The checkerboard's all set up. How about a game to relax and take your mind off--?

Don: Checkers? Checkers?! Don't you get it?! We're going to lose it all! Everything we've worked for. And all you can think about is checkers?!

(He throws his hat at the board, pushing the pieces off. Pancho watches as his friend goes into his room. Don looks back at Pancho.)

Don: I don't know, Pancho. Maybe you should start looking for another job.

(The restaurant door opens and in comes the Food Factory manager (played by Mr. Nezzer.) Pancho walks up to greet him.)

Pancho: Hello, and welcome to the café formerly known as La Mancha. Where the food and service are par excellence. But between you and me, I'd avoid the salsa; It could kill a horse.

Manager: Actually, I didn't come here to eat. I came here to hire you. (Don listens to their conversation.) I'm the manager of the Food Factory across the street. Perhaps you've heard of us.

(A loud crash comes from the kitchen. Pancho pretends to not know what the manager's talking about.)

Pancho: The...Food Factory?

Manager: It's a pretty big building, right over there, across the street.

Pancho: Right here, on this street?

Manager: We've got more business than we can handle, and everyone tells me what a great waiter you are. So I'm here to offer you a job.

(Another crash from the kitchen.)

Pancho: Thank you, but I've got to say no. We're usually packed in here....right about now.

Manager: Look, Pancho, think about yourself for a minute. Nothing personal, but this Don fellow and this restaurant are failures. You've gotta face facts and cut your losses.

(Pancho thinks as more crashing is heard from the kitchen.)

Manager: Like I said, think about yourself.

(Pancho thinks for a bit.)

Pancho: Let me be straight with you. Don and I have worked together for years. But more importantly, we're friends. A friend is always loyal, Mr. Food Factory man, and I'm gonna stick by and help my friend in his time of need.

Manager: Well...

Pancho: Allow me to show you the door. (Points to the entrance with the sign.) Look. The door.

Manager: I appreciate loyalty, but--

Pancho: It's the wooden thing with the knob.

(He walks away to the kitchen.)

Manager: If you ever change your mind, just let me know.

(As the manager leaves the restaurant, Pancho enters the kitchen, where Don is on his bed, sadly munching his chips with salsa.)

Don:(with mouth full) If you're going to go, then go.

Pancho: What did you say?

Don:(with mouth still full.) I said "If you're going to go, then go!"

Pancho: I can't understand a word you're saying.

(Don swallows the chips)

Don: (clearly) Go ahead and go! Everyone else has deserted me. Why shouldn't you?

Pancho: Listen, I'm not leaving Café La Mancha. We're going to make it. (Don lies down in his bed.) You need to get some rest. Maybe we can play tomorrow night.

Don: Perhaps I'll get the answer to all of our problems tonight.

(Pancho walks out of the room with the chips and salsa.)

Pancho: Good night, Don Quixote. Pleasant dreams. (sniffs the salsa) Whew!

(He leaves the kitchen as the candle goes out. Once again, Don is back in the strange dream land. While on his wooden horse, he sees a single soldier pea. Don, knowing he can take this single pea, rides down the hill while the pea chickens out.)

Don: Coward! Come back and fight like a.....uh....a pea!

(Don suddenly stops when he sees a windmill monster with a fiery oven in its belly and rusty forks for blades. It growls as it looks down at him and starts chasing him by walking like a gorilla. Don screams as the monster chases him. He keeps screaming as he wakes up and falls out of bed again.)

Pancho: Oh, good. You're up. Just wait until you hear my latest idea

Don: Hold that though, Pancho. I've just had a dream that was different from all the others. I now know what to do to rescue our cafe.

(Pancho enters the kitchen holding a turkey decorated like a football.)

Pancho: Is it a better idea than a touchdown turkey?

Don: I simply need to attack the Food Factory and vanquish my foe once and for all. (He ducks down to look for the right supplies.)

Pancho: You're kidding, right?

Don: This is my quest, to follow that star.

(Pancho drops the turkey.)

Pancho: What star? I thought we were talking about the Food Factory.

Don: No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.

Pancho: It's across the street.

(Don picks up a mop.)

Don: To fight for the right without question or--

(Pancho stops him.)

Pancho: Sure, that sounds wonderful, but unless I'm mistaken, attacking restaurants is against the law.

Don: Weren't you paying attention? This is my quest.

Pancho: Okay, listen to me very carefully. I'm telling you as a friend, you CAN'T do this.

Don: Oh, but I must! And you're going to help me.

(Cut to the outside of both restaurants. We see Don sporting kitchen utensils for armor.)

Pancho: You're going to make a fool of yourself.

Don: You first. Go.

(Pancho hops up to the Food Factory with a megaphone.)

Pancho: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. I have--

Don: Louder! They can't hear you!

(Pancho turns on the megaphone.)

Pancho: (into the megaphone) Attention, ladies and gentlemen. I have an announcement. The venerable Don Quixote will, this night, defend the honor of his restaurant, Café La Mancha.

Customer #2: Pancho, leave him and join us!

(The other customers cheer in agreement. Don walks up to the restaurant.)

Don: Thank you, my friend. That's quite enough.

(the customers laugh.)

(Pancho steps back while Don makes a speech.)

Don: I am Don Quixote, and I am calling out the Food Factory to meet me in a battle of honor! The winner shall keep his restaurant! The loser shall leave town forever!

(customers grumbling)

Don: Are you afraid to cross sword with me? I give you this last warning! Meet me now and let us do battle, or I shall be forced to attack!

(The manger shows up.)

Manager: That's crazy!

Don: Crazy, am I?

Manager: Look, if you attack my restaurant, I'll have you arrested.

Don: Ha! That is where you're wrong, my friend! I fight for honor, and any authority you call will no doubt agree with me on that point.

(Cut to Sheriff Bob eating a cheeseburger.)

Sheriff Bob: Hey, Don. Sheriff Bob here. Don't do anything crazy or you'll get arrested.

Don: I'm afraid it's too late to back down now.

Pancho: No, it isn't.

Don: Yes, it is!

Pancho: Don't do it!

Don: I must!

(As the customers laugh, Don envisions the Food Factory as the windmill monster from his dream. He charges toward the restaurant holding his mop out. But as he charges, the bowl on his head blocks his vision. As he keeps running blindly, he drops his mop, which boosts him up to the shade, which he bounces off of and onto the neon burger.)

Don: Check, please.

(The customers run away as Don falls onto the patio.)

Don: Have you had enough? Surrender or you shall taste my mop!

(Later that evening, Don has been put in jail.)

Don: This cell cannot hold me! I demand satisfaction! (he rattles the bars as Sheriff Bob walks up to his desk.) Fight me like a man!

Sheriff Bob: Take off your armor and go to bed.

Don: I demand legal council!

(Pancho enters the prison.)

Pancho: How 'bout some friendly council? I brought you a few things for your sleepover.

Sheriff Bob: (concerned) Hold on a minute. What'cha got in the bag?

Pancho: Just his regular bedtime supplies.

Don: Did you bring my nighty night hat?

(Pancho pulls out each item Don asks about.)

Pancho: Check.

(Bob rolls his eyes.)

Don: You're a good friend, Pancho. Corn chips?

Pancho: Got 'em.

Don: Salsa, extra spicy?

Pancho: Yep.

Bob: That'll give you nightmares.

(Pancho stops and thinks.)

Pancho: Wait a minute....

(Flashback to Don eating salsa covered chips and dressed as a coffee seller, pizza chef, and in his kitchen armor. Afterward, Pancho, thinking what's best for his friend, puts the salsa back in the bag.)

Don: What are you doing?

Pancho: I'm doing this for your own good, Don. I need to stick by you and do what's best for you in your time of need.

Don: (upset) What are you talking about? I need my salsa!

Pancho: No, Don. What you need is to lay off the salsa.

(Don gets more upset as his friend leaves the prison.)

Don: No. You've turned against me too! Say it isn't so, Pancho! Not you! Noooo!!!!!!!

(Fade to black. Fade to the next morning as Don wakes up to see Pancho, Sheriff Bob and the Food Factory's manager in his cell.)

Don: Ah! Pancho! What...what are you all doing?!

Pancho: Any bad dreams last night?

Don: Well, come to think of it, no.

Pancho: Any dreams at all?

Don: No, I slept quite well, thank you. Your cells are surprisingly comfortable.

Pancho: I knew it! It's the extra-hot salsa! Every night, you've been eating it before you went to bed. That's why you've been having bad dreams.

Sheriff Bob: Now I'm sure that's part of it, but you don't expect me to believe--(Pancho holds the salsa bowl up to Bob's nose. He sniffs it, and it's too much for him too.) That'd do it alright. (To the manager.) You wanna press charges?

Manager: We bent the giant spatula back. No harm, no foul.

Sheriff Bob: If you agree to stop eating that stuff, you're free to go.

Don: (despondently) Go? Go where? Café La Mancha is through. I've got nowhere to go.

Pancho: Don't be so sure.

(Eventually, after Don is released, Café La Mancha is back in business, as it's now open for breakfast.)

Pancho: I need six orders of toast, extra crispy.

Don: Is that toast French or domestic?

(Cut to a table with four French peas.)

French Peas: French.

Don: Open for breakfast. How did you ever come up with that idea?

Pancho: Simple. The Food Factory doesn't open up until lunch time. I told you; find something they don't do and then do that.

Don: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for standing by me when I needed you the most.

Pancho: Hey, that's what friends do, my friend. Now let's get to work. We have hungry people to feed.

Don: It would be my pleasure. Say, how about a friendly game of checkers after lunch?

Pancho: The checker king accepts the challenge and awaits his coronation.

(Cut to the outside of both restaurants as the story ends.)