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This is the episode transcript for Sheerluck Holmes and the Golden Ruler.


Opening Countertop[]

(Scene opens to Bob and Larry on the Countertop.)

Bob: Hi, kids! Welcome to VeggieTales! I'm Bob the Tomato...

Larry: And I'm Larry the Cucumber! And we're here to answer your questions.

Bob: That's right. And today's question comes from little Erica Bangeman of Minot, North Dakota.

Larry: Hey, little Erica! How's it goin' there in Minot? 'Minot' be perfect, but it sure beats South Dakota!

(rimshot sound)

Bob: Larry, you can't say that!

Larry: What?

Bob: Well, you just insulted South Dakota.

Larry: Well but, I was just making a little joke. 'Minot' be the best joke ever, but I think—

(Another rimshot sound)

Bob: Larry, we have a lot of fans in South Dakota. It's a lovely place... every bit as nice as North Dakota.

Larry: Well, it 'Minot' be so bad... if it weren't for the Badlands!

(Yet another rimshot sound)

Larry: Oh, yeah! I'm on a roll!

(Bob hops up to the camera.)

Bob: My apologies, South Dakota.

Larry: Well, what's the letter say?

Bob: "Dear Bob and Larry, my family just moved to Minot. I started going to a new school and I don't know anybody. I want to make new friends, which got me wondering... what do you think it takes to be a good friend? Sincerely, Erica."

Larry: Oh, wow. That's a good question. Does she have a speedboat? That might help.

Bob: No, Larry... being a good friend has nothing to do with having a speedboat.

Larry: What about a bag of lollipops?

Bob: Or having a bag of lollipops.

Larry: Well, I'm out of ideas.

Bob: However, I know a couple of stories that might just help answer that question for both you and Erica.

Larry: A speedboat 'Minot' make you a better friend, but—

(One more rimshot sound)

Bob: (abruptly) Roll film!

The Asparagus of La Mancha[]

(The screen goes dark, before opening to a land looking like it is made entirely out of food and cooking utensils. On the hill, a man by the name of Don Quixote (played by Archibald Asparagus) comes up on the hill, just as the story's title "The Asparagus of La Mancha" appears on the screen. Don finds himself approached by a horde of pea soldiers that are standing on the hill opposite of him, before they pull out forks like swords.)

Pea Soldier #1: Man de la Mancha!

(The pea soldiers start catapulting giant hamburgers at Don, before one hamburger hits his horse, causing his horse to start rolling down the hill towards the pea soldiers. Another hamburger is catapulted at Don and hits him, just as Don wakes up in bed, revealing it all to be just a dream.)

Don: Noooooooo!

(His friend Pancho (played by Mr. Lunt) approaches him.)

Pancho: Hey buddy! Dreaming about losing to me at checkers again?! Don't take it so hard... I'll give you another shot at the checker king after work!

Don: Thank you for your concern, Pancho, my old friend, but it was much more than merely a bad dream(he gets out of bed).

Pancho: Was it a wretched dream?

Don: Not quite.

Pancho: Insufferable?

Don: No.

Pancho: Objectionable? Hideous? Malodorous?

Don: Pancho, I believe I just had the impossible dream.

Pancho: Just by definition, wouldn't that be... impossible? Maybe you just had a difficult dream.(Don folds up his bed) Or perhaps an impossibly strenuous dream. Or even...

Don: Look, it was my dream and it was impossible, all right.

Pancho: The lunch crowd will be here soon.

Don: Dream or no dream, it's time to get to work.

(Scene switches to Pancho and Don catering to all of the customers during the lunch hour.)

Pancho: Two cows still mooing and a hail Caesar, hold the bird.

Don: Order up. Noah's boy on bread, side of frog sticks.

Pancho: Drag 'em through the garden?

Don: With a stop in the Alps!

(Jean-Claude suddenly enters the restaurant.)

Jean-Claude: Everyone! Terrible news! A new restaurant is opening up in town!

Don: Oh Poncho, did you hear? That means competition! We might as well close our doors right now.

(All the customers laugh.)

Poncho: Hey, don't worry. Many a restaurant has come and gone, but we're still standing.

Jean-Claude: This is not just any restaurant. It is The Food Factory.

(All the customers gasp.)

Don: Did you say The Food Factory?

Jean-Claude: Oui. They are the most popular franchise in the world. No other restaurants within 50 miles of them can stay open.

Don: Do you by chance know exactly where they're opening their new restaurant?

Jean-Claude: Oui.

(Scene switches to outside of the restaurant, we see a wooden bulldozer coming, and entering a huge dust cloud.)

Don: Don't worry, Pancho. The construction alone could stretch out for years.

(The bulldozer leaves as the dust cloud lifts to show the quickly completed Food Factory.)

Don: But there's no conceivable way they could open for business any time soon.

(The lights of The Food Factory immediately turn on along with the open sign.)

Pancho: I wonder how long it'll take for them to attract a crowd.

(A neon sign reading "Food as big as your head" turns on.)

Pancho: You don't think...

Don: Perish the thought. Our customers are true-blue. They'll never desert us.

(All the customers run out of the restaurant, leaving every table empty. Don watches with shock as people line up to enter The Food Factory. Don then looks up at the burger shaped neon light.)

Don: Wait a minute. This is it! This was in my dream! My impossible dream was warning me about The Food Factory. It's all coming true!

Pancho: Did your dream possibly tell you how to get our customers back?

(All day, everyone goes to the Food Factory instead of Café La Mancha. Fade to later that night as Don and Pancho are playing checkers. Don looks sadly at the new restaurant while eating corn chips with salsa.)

Don: What am I going to do?

Pancho: I'll tell you what you're going to do. You're going to king me.

(Don tosses a single chip onto a black piece.)

Pancho: That'll do.

Don: How can we possibly fight this? (eats a chip.)

Pancho: Look, we'll restructure. We'll find an area they're not covering and do that. Your move.

(Don moves a red piece forward. Pancho moves a black piece three spaces.)

Pancho: I win!

(Don eats another chip)

Don: But they do everything. They have food as big as your head.

(Don gets up and goes back inside the restaurant while Pancho helps himself to the chips. After dipping one in the salsa, he eats it. But the salsa's way too spicy for him as steam comes out of his nonexistent ears, just like in a Looney Tunes cartoon.)

Pancho: Yikes! What's in this stuff?

Don: I don't know what to do, old friend. I'm afraid everything we've worked for is over.

Pancho: I can't believe my ears. We've made it through thick and thin together. This is no different.

Don: That's where you're wrong, Pancho. I'm afraid it's never been this thin.

(Don goes back inside the restaurant.)

Pancho: Hey, Don. Rematch tomorrow night?

(Fade to the kitchen as Don pulls down his bed from inside the wall.)

Don: (yawns) What am I going to do?

(As he drifts off to sleep, he has another dream in the same land as before. As he goes over the hill, he sees a single mirror. He walks up to it and sees his reflection is all warped.)

Don: Heavens!

(Another mirror walks up, showing a warped image of Scooter in armor.)

Don: Oh, my!

(More mirrors show up, showing warped images of Mr. Nezzer, Jimmy Gourd, Larry, Bob, and Salvador Dali. Don panics as they all walk closer to him.)

Don: Help. Help! Help!

(Don wakes up and falls out of his bed, which folds back up into the wall.)

Pancho: That's right. You'll need a whole lot of help to take down the checker king, man. (Pancho enters the kitchen.) I'm glad you're up, because I've been thinking, and I've got a couple of great ideas that are guaranteed to turn this place around.

Don: No, I believe I have the solution. My first dream told me what was to come. Last night's dream has revealed how we will combat the Food Factory.

Pancho: Oh, okay. But like I said, I've got some ideas, too.

Don: Yes, yes, fine. In my dream, every time I looked in a mirror, I saw a different reflection, which can only mean, that to succeed, I need to be different than I am now.

Pancho: Maybe it just means you need to clean the mirrors in your dreams.

Don: We need to change the look and image of the restaurant. Make it different. Something more entertaining. Pancho, I've dreamed the impossible theme, and we're going to make it happen!

(Don exits the kitchen. Pancho pulls out two coupons.)

Pancho: With 2 for 1 coupons!

(He sighs and tosses them away. Fade to later that day as Don and Pancho are going for a Chinese theme. Pancho rings a gong, grabbing two folks' attention.)

Pancho: Run, don't "wok." Get it? W, O, K,— wok— to Donny HA HA. (rings the gong again.)

(The plan fails.)

Pancho: I don't think this is going to work.

Don: Patience, my friend. Patience.

(Later that day, they go for a more silly sounding restaurant called...)

Pancho: La Koo Koo Mancha! Our prices are so low, you'll think we're crazy!

(This plan fails too. Pancho walks away and tosses the loudspeaker.)

Pancho: We're crazy alright.

Don: Just wait. It'll work.

(Later that day, they turn the restaurant into a coffee shop.)

Pancho: Joppa Java. Why pay a little for coffee when you can pay a lot?

Don: This is my best idea yet! (Looks around for customers, but sees no one.) Where is everyone?

(Another failure. The customers at the Food Factory laugh at their attempts.)

Customer #1: Hey, Pancho. Forget about that old café. Come work over here! Look at how much food they serve!

(That evening, Don and Pancho try a Chuck E. Cheese-esque pizza restaurant. As a robotic mouse says "Cheesy" and Don and Pancho wear pizza hats and hold pizza dishes, all the customers laugh at this attempt too. Frustrated, Don throws the pizza dish and walks back inside as the mouse breaks. Pancho sees the checkerboard all set up.)

Pancho: Don...hey, look! The checkerboard's all set up. How about a game to relax and take your mind off—?

Don: Checkers? Checkers?! Don't you get it?! We're going to lose it all! Everything we've worked for. And all you can think about is checkers?!

(He throws his hat at the board, pushing the pieces off. Pancho watches as his friend goes into his room. Don looks back at Pancho.)

Don: I don't know, Pancho. Maybe you should start looking for another job.

(The restaurant door opens and in comes the Food Factory manager (played by Mr. Nezzer.) Pancho walks up to greet him.)

Pancho: Hello, and welcome to the café formerly known as La Mancha. Where the food and service are par excellence. But between you and me, I'd avoid the salsa. It could kill a horse.

Manager: Actually, I didn't come here to eat. I came here to hire you. (Don listens to their conversation and gets angry). I'm the manager of the Food Factory across the street. Perhaps you've heard of us.

(A loud crash comes from the kitchen. Pancho pretends to not know what the manager's talking about.)

Pancho: The...Food Factory?

Manager: It's a pretty big building, right over there, across the street.

Pancho: Right here, on this street?

Manager: We've got more business than we can handle, and everyone tells me what a great waiter you are. So I'm here to offer you a job.

(Another crash from the kitchen.)

Pancho: Thank you, but I've got to say no. We're usually packed in here....right about now. (what he says echoes through the restaurant)

Manager: Look, Pancho, think about yourself for a minute. Nothing personal, but this Don fellow and this restaurant are failures. You've gotta face facts and cut your losses.

(Pancho thinks as more crashing is heard from the kitchen.)

Manager: Like I said, think about yourself.

(Pancho thinks for a bit.)

Pancho: Let me be straight with you. Don and I have worked together for years. But more importantly, we're friends. A friend is always loyal, Mr. Food Factory man, and I'm gonna stick by and help my friend in his time of need.

Manager: Well...

Pancho: Allow me to show you the door. (Points to the entrance with the sign.) Look. The door.

Manager: I appreciate loyalty, but—

Pancho: It's the wooden thing with the knob.

(He walks away to the kitchen.)

Manager: If you ever change your mind, just let me know.

(As the manager leaves the restaurant, Pancho enters the kitchen, where Don is on his bed, sadly munching his chips with salsa.)

Don: (with mouth full) If you're going to go, then go.

Pancho: What did you say?

Don: (with mouth still full) I said "If you're going to go, then go!"

Pancho: I can't understand a word you're saying.

(Don swallows the chips)

Don: (clearly) Go ahead and go! Everyone else has deserted me. Why shouldn't you?

Pancho: Listen, I'm not leaving Café La Mancha. We're going to make it. (Don lies down in his bed.) You need to get some rest. Maybe we can play tomorrow night.

Don: Perhaps I'll get the answer to all of our problems tonight.

(Pancho walks out of the room with the chips and salsa.)

Pancho: Good night, Don Quixote. Pleasant dreams. (sniffs the salsa) Whew!

(He leaves the kitchen as the candle goes out. Once again, Don is back in the strange dream land. While on his wooden horse, he sees a single soldier pea. Don, knowing he can take this single pea, rides down the hill while the pea chickens out.)

Don: Coward! Come back and fight like a.....uh....a pea!

(Don suddenly stops when he sees a windmill monster with a fiery oven in its belly and rusty forks for blades. It growls as it looks down at him and starts chasing him by walking like a gorilla. Don screams as the monster chases him. He keeps screaming as he wakes up and falls out of bed again.)

Pancho: Oh, good. You're up. Just wait until you hear my latest idea

Don: Hold that though, Pancho. I've just had a dream that was different from all the others. I now know what to do to rescue our café.

(Pancho enters the kitchen holding a turkey decorated like a football.)

Pancho: Is it a better idea than a touchdown turkey?

Don: I simply need to attack the Food Factory and vanquish my foe once and for all. (He ducks down to look for the right supplies.)

Pancho: You're kidding, right?

Don: This is my quest, to follow that star.

(Pancho drops the turkey.)

Pancho: What star? I thought we were talking about the Food Factory.

Don: No matter how hopeless, no matter how far.

Pancho: It's across the street.

(Don picks up a mop.)

Don: To fight for the right without question or—

(Pancho stops him.)

Pancho: Sure, that sounds wonderful, but unless I'm mistaken, attacking restaurants is against the law.

Don: Weren't you paying attention? This is my quest.

Pancho: Okay, listen to me very carefully. I'm telling you as a friend, you CAN'T do this.

Don: Oh, but I must! And you're going to help me.

(Cut to the outside of both restaurants. We see Don sporting kitchen utensils for armor.)

Pancho: You're going to make a fool of yourself.

Don: You first. Go.

(Pancho hops up to the Food Factory with a megaphone.)

Pancho: Attention, ladies and gentlemen. I have—

Don: Louder! They can't hear you!

(Pancho turns on the megaphone.)

Pancho: (into the megaphone) Attention, ladies and gentlemen. I have an announcement. The venerable Don Quixote will, this night, defend the honor of his restaurant, Café La Mancha.

Customer #2: Pancho, leave him and join us!

(The other customers cheer in agreement. Don walks up to the restaurant.)

Don: Thank you, my friend. That's quite enough.

(the customers laugh.)

(Pancho steps back while Don makes a speech.)

Don: I am Don Quixote, and I am calling out the Food Factory to meet me in a battle of honor! The winner shall keep his restaurant! The loser shall leave town forever!

(customers grumbling)

Don: Are you afraid to cross sword with me? I give you this last warning! Meet me now and let us do battle, or I shall be forced to attack!

(The manger shows up.)

Manager: That's crazy!

Don: Crazy, am I?

Manager: Look, if you attack my restaurant, I'll have you arrested.

Don: Ha! That is where you're wrong, my friend! I fight for honor, and any authority you call will no doubt agree with me on that point.

(Cut to Sheriff Bob eating a cheeseburger.)

Sheriff Bob: Hey, Don. Sheriff Bob here. Don't do anything crazy or you'll get arrested.

Don: I'm afraid it's too late to back down now.

Pancho: No, it isn't.

Don: Yes, it is!

Pancho: Don't do it!

Don: I must!

(As the customers laugh, Don envisions the Food Factory as the windmill monster from his dream. He charges toward the restaurant holding his mop out. But as he charges, the bowl on his head blocks his vision. As he keeps running blindly, he drops his mop, which boosts him up to the shade, which he bounces off of and onto the neon burger.)

Don: Check, please.

(The customers run away as Don falls onto the patio.)

Don: Have you had enough? Surrender or you shall taste my mop!

(Later that evening, Don has been put in jail.)

Don: This cell cannot hold me! I demand satisfaction! (he rattles the bars as Sheriff Bob walks up to his desk.) Fight me like a man!

Sheriff Bob: Take off your armor and go to bed.

Don: I demand legal council!

(Pancho enters the prison.)

Pancho: How 'bout some friendly council? I brought you a few things for your sleepover.

Sheriff Bob: (concerned) Hold on a minute. What'cha got in the bag?

Pancho: Just his regular bedtime supplies.

Don: Did you bring my nighty night hat?

(Pancho pulls out each item Don asks about.)

Pancho: Check.

(Bob rolls his eyes.)

Don: You're a good friend, Pancho. Corn chips?

Pancho: Got 'em.

Don: Salsa, extra spicy?

Pancho: Yep.

Bob: That'll give you nightmares.

(Pancho stops and thinks.)

Pancho: Wait a minute....

(Flashback to Don eating salsa covered chips and dressed as a coffee seller, pizza chef, and in his kitchen armor. Afterward, Pancho, thinking what's best for his friend, puts the salsa back in the bag.)

Don: What are you doing?

Pancho: I'm doing this for your own good, Don. I need to stick by you and do what's best for you in your time of need.

Don: (upset) What are you talking about? I need my salsa!

Pancho: No, Don. What you need is to lay off the salsa.

(Don gets more upset as his friend leaves the prison.)

Don: No. You've turned against me too! Say it isn't so, Pancho! Not you! Noooo!!!!!!!

(Fade to black. Fade to the next morning as Don wakes up to see Pancho, Sheriff Bob and the Food Factory's manager in his cell.)

Don: Ah! Pancho! What...what are you all doing?!

Pancho: Any bad dreams last night?

Don: Well, come to think of it, no.

Pancho: Any dreams at all?

Don: No, I slept quite well, thank you. Your cells are surprisingly comfortable.

Pancho: I knew it! It's the extra-hot salsa! Every night, you've been eating it before you went to bed. That's why you've been having bad dreams.

Sheriff Bob: Now I'm sure that's part of it, but you don't expect me to believe—(Pancho holds the salsa bowl up to Bob's nose. He sniffs it, and it's too much for him too.) That'd do it alright. (To the manager.) You wanna press charges?

Manager: We bent the giant spatula back. No harm, no foul.

Sheriff Bob: If you agree to stop eating that stuff, you're free to go.

Don: (despondently) Go? Go where? Café La Mancha is through. I've got nowhere to go.

Pancho: Don't be so sure.

(Eventually, after Don is released, Café La Mancha is back in business, as it's now open for breakfast.)

Pancho: I need six orders of toast, extra crispy.

Don: Is that toast French or domestic?

(Cut to a table with four French peas.)

French Peas: French.

Don: Open for breakfast. How did you ever come up with that idea?

Pancho: Simple. The Food Factory doesn't open up until lunch time. I told you; find something they don't do and then do that.

Don: Thank you, my friend. Thank you for standing by me when I needed you the most.

Pancho: Hey, that's what friends do, my friend. Now let's get to work. We have hungry people to feed.

Don: It would be my pleasure. Say, how about a friendly game of checkers after lunch?

Pancho: The checker king accepts the challenge and awaits his coronation.

(Cut to the outside of both restaurants as the story ends.)

Gated Community[]

(The song opens with the title card, which shows Larry wearing a baseball hat and playing with a dodgeball)

The Announcer: And now it's time for Silly Songs with Larry, the part of the show where Larry comes out and sings a silly song.

(Cut to the song)

Man: There once was a boy who lived in a house and the house sat under a tree

By the tree ran a fence, that stretched far and wide

2 Men: Round the gated community...

Larry: Can I have my ball? Can you get my ball?

I kicked it into the tree

And my ball bounced up, And my ball dropped in

To the gated community

Gated Community Trio: Oh, the gated community is where we like to be

Everything's so lovely, oh, our hearts are filled with glee

And when you come to visit you can stand outside and see

What a lovely bunch we are in our gated unity

Larry: Uhh...

Can I have my ball? Can you get my ball?

I kicked it into the tree

And my ball bounced up, and my ball dropped in

To the gated community

Gated Community Trio: Oh, the gated community is where we like to be

Our clothes are never dirty and our lawns are always green

And when you come to visit you can stand outside and see

What a tidy bunch we are in our gated unity

The gated community we think you will agree

Is pleasantly devoid of unsightly stray debris

Charlie: Free free of debris

Gated Community Trio: (quietly) The gated community is where we'll always be

Our smiles are wide when we're inside, in comfy custody

And when you come to visit you can stand outside and see

(loudly) What a smiling bunch we are in our gated unity

Oh, the gated community is where we like to be

Our lives have been made perfect by a hefty entrance fee

And when you come to visit you can stand outside and see

(same time)

Larry: Can I have my ball? Can you get my ball?

I kicked it into the tree

And my ball bounced up, and my ball dropped in

(solo) To the gated commun...

Gated Community Trio: What a lovely bunch we are

Larry: To the gated commun...

Gated Community Trio: What a happy bunch we are...

All: To the gated community!

(Cut back to the title card, where Larry is walking away in annoyance)

The Announcer: This has been Silly Songs with Larry.

Community Fellow: (off-screen) Oh, look! A ball! (He throws it to Larry)

The Announcer: Tune in next time to hear Larry say...

Larry: (picking up the ball) Thank you. (He walks off-screen as the song ends)

Sheerluck Holmes and the Golden Ruler[]

(Fades to a street in London. We see Scooter walk up to an ice cream parlor called Doylie's. As he enters, the story's title card appears. As the title disappears, Sheerluck Holmes (played by Larry) enters, sporting a bubble blowing pipe.)

Patrons: Sheerluck!

Sheerluck: Top of the evening, everybody.

(Sheerluck's assistant, Dr. Watson (played by Bob), enters too.)

Dr. Watson: Uh, and Dr. Watson here.

Jerry: What's the good word, Sheerluck?

Sheerluck: Beats me. But when I find it, you'll be the first to know.

Jimmy and Jerry: (laugh)

Dr. Watson: Actually, there are several good words. For example, there's superb, charitable, philanthropic, and the ever dependable 2-good-2-b-4-gotten. Which, technically, I suppose isn't a good "word," but rather a group of words. (chuckle.)

Jimmy and Jerry: Uh huh.

(Sheerluck has taken a seat at a table. Dr. Watson hops up to join him.)

Sheerluck: Come, come, my good man. Our table awaits.

(A waitress walks up to the table.)

Waitress: You two gents solve another case?

Dr. Watson: That we have, my dear lady.

Waitress: One usual coming right up. (she brings a slice of chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream and two milk glasses.) Here you go. Enjoy.

(Sheerluck gets the ice cream while Watson gets the cake.)

Sheerluck: Boy, if the service here gets any slower, we'll have to find another place.

Dr. Watson and Sheerluck: The game's afoot. (they clink their glasses together.)

Jerry: So, what are you two celebrating this time?

Jimmy: I can only assume it involves mystery, mayhem and maleficence.

Dr. Watson: You could say that.

Sheerluck: You could if I understood what you were saying.

Jerry: So, do tell. What dastardly crime have you just solved?

Sheerluck: Well, it's all rather hush hush. (everyone turns their attention to Sheerluck.) But no one in London will ever have to worry about the howling dogs of Baker Street again.

(Everyone cheers.)

Jimmy: Hurray! How'd you solve it? Did you use your superlative powers of observation, or did basic forensics crack this particular case open?

Sheerluck: You sure talk funny.

Dr. Watson: Actually, it was a combination of the two. After a careful examination of the crime scene, we—

(Sheerluck interupts)

Sheerluck: Decided the best way to explain it is in a song.

Dr. Watson: Oh, no. Not again.

(The piano player plays a few notes as Sheerluck hops onto the center shelf to sing Call on Us.)

Sheerluck: If all of you are wondering

what I found in all my wandering.

Here's a clue for you.

I knew just what to do.

Waston: (Spoken) And, uh, me too.

Both: If a crime has been committed which makes you rather curious.

Waston: While culprits and solutions lurk, elusive and impervious.

Sheerluck: And fancy words bewilder you and make you feel ridiculous.

Both: The crime will not be solved until you grab the phone and call on-

Sheerluck: Me! Just call 1-800-Sheerluck. Operators are standing by.

Both: We're so thorough in our searching as we sift and sort and sleuth for clues.

Waston: With faculty for skirting any felon's oft deceptive ruse.

Sheerluck: What?

Uh, we never leave the job except to snack and maybe take a snooze.

Both: Offenders best surrender cuz' eventually they're sure to lose!

Waston: (Spoken) It's all probability, really. You see, given that logic and deduction are on our side, a criminal stands a highly diminished chance of succeeding in his misdeed.

Sheerluck: Criminals, what are they thinking?

Both: So if a criminal commits a crime who's hiding in his secret lair.

He thinks the crime was perfect but of certain facts he's unaware.

He's left a print, a nudge, a smudge, a lock of hair upon the stair.

We'll find the clue and track him down and trap him in his secret lair!

Sheerluck: It seems they're always in their secret lair. The lesson here for all to see is really rather obvious: When Sheerluck Holmes is on a case-

Jerry: (with Jimmy's voice weirdly) It's sure to be melodious!

Waston: In the course of litigation our opposers pleas are tenuous.

Sheerluck: Following your fancy talk is getting rather strenuous.

Both: The crime will not be solved until you grab the phone, wait for the tone, and call on-

Sheerluck: Me!

(As the customers cheer, Dr. Watson looks upset. Afterward, Sheerluck and Watson leave.)

Sheerluck: Well, another perfect ending to another perfect day.

Dr. Watson: Hmmm....

Sheerluck: Something bothering you, my good man?

Dr. Watson: I thought we solved these cases together, but you're the only one who gets any credit for them.

Sheerluck: Now that's just silly. We're a team, we're friends, you and everyone else knows that.

Dr. Watson: But do you know that? Is that the way you treat a friend?

Sheerluck: What do you mean?

Dr. Watson: We're friends, right?

Sheerluck: Of course we're friends.

Dr. Watson: Well then, is that how you treat a friend?

Sheerluck: Is HOW how I treat a friend?

Dr. Watson: Well, I'll tell you.

(Before he can explain, Scooter approaches to tell them about a crime, but his Scottish accent makes it difficult to understand what he's saying.)

Scooter: Mr. Sheerluck Holmes! Dr. Watson! Thank heavens I found you! There's been a robbery at Buckingham Palace and we're in desperate need of your services!

Sheerluck: What?

Scooter: There's been a robbery at Buckingham Palace and we're in desperate need of your services!

Sheerluck: I can't understand a word you're saying. Seriously, what?

Dr. Watson: There's been a robbery at Buckingham Palace.

Sheerluck: (gasp) A robbery! Then come, come, Dr. Watson.

Both: The game's afoot!

(They make their way to the palace. When they arrive, they're greeted by the Prime Minister (played by Archibald).

Prime Minister: Oh, thank goodness you've arrived. We are in desperate need of your services.

Sheerluck: Now, him I understand.

Prime Minister: This crime is a case of national security. If it's not solved quickly, I fear dire consequences.

Sheerluck: Don't worry, my good man. We'll have it solved in a jiffy.

Dr. Watson: What was stolen?

Prime Minister: A key.

Sheerluck: I'm sorry, I thought you said "a key."

Prime Minister: I did.

Sheerluck: You lost your keys? (gives an unamused look.) Seriously, that's it? Go to a hardware store and get a copy made. Get a keychain like the rest of us. You don't need the world's greatest living detective, you need a locksmith.

Dr. Watson: Sheerluck, if I may. (to Prime Minister) Sir, what did the key unlock?

Prime Minister: The door to the room where the Golden Ruler is kept.

Dr. Watson: Quickly, Sheerluck. There's not a moment to waste.

Sheerluck: Alright, would somebody please tell me what's going on?

(They walk into the room where the key is kept. In the room is a pedestal with a pillow on top. And in the pillow is a key shaped indent.)

Prime Minister: This is where the key was only just this morning.

(Sheerluck takes a closer look.)

Sheerluck: Hmmm, yes, I see.

Dr. Watson: Uh, excuse me. A little help here.

Sheerluck: What's up?

Dr. Watson: Well... you. Could you describe what you see?

Sheerluck: Okey dokey. (he pulls out his magnifying glass) It's your basic pillow without a key in it. Not much to write home about. As near as I can figure, whoever stole this has a great dislike for soft pillows. Because if you're going to steal a key, who wouldn't take this pillow? I mean, it's gorgeous. No, I'm putting my money on a headless bandit with a morbid fear of pillows.

Prime Minister: (confused) Why headless?

Sheerluck: If you don't have a head, you wouldn't need a pillow. Come now, let's be logical.

Dr. Watson: Prime Minister, exactly where is the door that this key unlocks?

(camera moves across the room to a door in the hall guarded by two peas.)

Dr. Watson: That's where you keep the Golden Ruler?

Sheerluck: Yes, it all comes together now. The room that holds the Golden Ruler. The ol' Golden Ruler. So, what's the Golden Ruler?

Prime Minister: Only the most valuable treasure in the entire kingdom.

Sheerluck: Right, got that. But what is it?

Dr. Watson: Wait! Nobody move! (his attention is brought to dusty footprints.) Our criminal has left their footprints in the dust on the floor. We must all be extremely careful not to disturb these clues.

(Suddenly, Detective Bill Trout (played by Mr. Nezzer), and Sergeant John Spud (played by Mr. Lunt) enter the scene.)

Trout: All right, nobody move!

Spud: You heard him. Nobody move.

Trout: I'm Detective Bill Trout from the Forensic Investigators of Southampton.

Spud: And I'm Sergeant John Spud from the Canterbury Highway Patrol.

Sheerluck: Oh, great. Fish and Chips. Not again. Don't you guys ever take a break?

Trout: We've been sent to secure the area.

Spud: Prepare to be secured.

(They start putting an excessive amount of yellow tape all over the place.)

Watson: Please, wait. You're disturbing the crime scene.

Trout: This is our jurisdiction.

Spud: Your services are no longer required. Ta ta.

Prime Minister: Gentlemen, please! Mr. Sheerluck Holmes is the world's greatest living detective.

(The cops stop taping the scene of the crime. Sheerluck gets caught in the tape.)

Trout: Move along.

Spud: Nothing to see here.

Watson: If I could just have a few more minutes.

Trout: I said "move along."

(As Sheerluck struggles to free himself, the tape that snagged on a statue moves it like a lever. As Sheerluck falls forward, a small door in the wall opens to reveal a secret passage.)

Watson: Look what you found. A secret passageway!

Prime Minister: Oh, good job, Sheerluck.

Sheerluck: This? Oh, all in a day's work.

Dr. Watson: The footprints enter and exit right here. This was how the key was stolen.

(Trout and Spud enter the scene again.)

Trout: Move along.

Spud: Nothing to see here.

Prime Minister: I shall announce this to the king and queen immediately!

Sheerluck: Oh, let me.

(As he's about to leave, he trips on another yellow tape, stumbles around and bumps into the palace guards, who get knocked down like dominoes. Trout and John approach him and once again say...)

Trout: Move along.

Spud: Nothing to see here.

(Fade to later that night as Sheerluck and Watson head back to Doylie's.)

Customers: Sheerluck!

Sheerluck: Top of the evening, one and all.

Watson: And his partner in crime, Dr. Watson. (gives a sour look)

Jimmy: (with Jerry's voice weirdly.) So, lads, what's shakin'?

Sheerluck: When we're on the case, The boots of every criminal in London.

Jimmy and Jerry: (laugh)

(As Sheerluck and Watson take a seat, the waitress walks up to them.)

Sheerluck: My good lady, the usual, if you please.

Jimmy: (with the right voice.) So, Sheerluck, what nefarious no good-nick did you and Dr. Watson incarcerate this fine evening?

Sheerluck: Come again?

Watson: He means, did we arrest anyone tonight?.

Sheerluck: Oh, well as always, it's all rather hush hush, but yours truly stumbled upon a clue that blew this case wide open. We should have our criminal before the week is out.

(customers cheer.)

Sheerluck: Now I can't reveal exactly where I was tonight, but let's just say it rhymes with "Luckingham Dallas."

Crowd: Oooohhh.

Sheerluck: There I was, faced with perhaps the most difficult mystery in my career. If I failed here, The most valuable treasure of the entire kingdom would be lost. (during this story, Dr. Watson feels left out.) Fortunately for the king and queen, I was on the top of my game.

(as the crowd cheers, the waitress brings the cake and ice cream. Dr. Watson decides to leave.

Sheerluck: Hey, Watson, where you going? You haven't touched our cake.

Dr. Watson: Well, you didn't need my help solving the case. So why would you need my help eating the cake? (he leaves Doylie's)

Jerry: You were the one who solved the case, right?

Sheerluck: Well, yeah. (he picks up his coat and follows his friend) Watson? Watson?! Watson, come on, don't be mad. Just come back inside and tell me what's bothering you.

Dr. Watson: (3x) What's bothering me?

Sheerluck: Yes. (3x) Is this a game? Are we saying everything in threes?

Watson: You really don't have a clue, do you?

Sheerluck: Look, I know we're a team, you know we're a team, everybody knows we're a team, so what's the problem? So I leave out some minor details.

Watson: Like the fact that I worked with you on every single case?

Sheerluck: Exactly. Little stuff like that. So, you ready for some cake? Because I'm starving.

Watson: You are amazing.

Sheerluck: Why, thank you. You're not so bad yourself. See, when I put my mind to it, I can compliment you.

Watson: You know what really hurts?

Sheerluck: When you stub your toe? Or when you accidently run into a wall? Or when you're walking along and an anvil falls on your head? Now that hurts like the dickens.

Watson: What really hurts is when someone says they're your friend but they don't treat you like one.

Sheerluck: (saddened) I see.

(Suddenly, they're approached by two scallion ladies.)

Scallion Lady #1: Ah, it's Sheerluck Holmes! Would you sign our autograph books?

Sheerluck: I'm never too busy to help out a fan.

(After the scallion lady in blue puts her book on top of Watson's hat, flattening it, Sheerluck signs the book. After that, both scallion ladies leave.)

Sheerluck: Goodnight. (to Watson) Anyway, what were you saying?

Watson: Did you sign both of our names?

Sheerluck: Uh...they only asked for mine.

(For Watson, this is the last straw.)

Watson: You just don't get it. When you want to start treating me like a friend, come talk to me.

(Watson sadly walks away to his house, leaving Sheerluck alone.)

Sheerluck: What don't I get? But we're a team! Where are you going? Come back, Dr. Watson. Dr. Watson?!

(Fade to the next morning where we see Sheerluck playing music with a sousaphone. Scooter enters the house.)

Scooter: Hello? Mr. Holmes, are you here? (Sheerluck keeps playing his instrument) Sorry to interrupt, Mr. Holmes, but the Golden Ruler has been stolen. (Sheerluck stops.)

Sheerluck: What?

Scooter: I said "Sorry to interrupt, but the Golden Ruler has been stolen."

Sheerluck: What language are you speaking?

Waitress: Say, I speak Scottish. He says someone's golden hula is swollen.

Jimmy: No, he says the goat and jeweler are out strolling.

Sheerluck: See, I thought I heard something about Samoans.

Waitress: Perhaps coats and stools all go bowling?

Jimmy: Folding scooters have been rollin'?

Scooter: (slowly) The Golden... Ruler... has been... stolen!

All three: OH.

Sheerluck: Stolen! Then come, come, Dr. Watson....(realizes his friend isn't present.) Oh. Can you wait here a minute? I'll be right with you.

(Sheerluck makes his way to Dr. Watson's house. Once on the doorstep, he knocks on the door.)

Sheerluck: Hello? Dr. Watson? Hello?

(No one answers the door. But he is greeted by a maid who dumps dust from a pail all over him from out the window.)

Sheerluck: Excuse me, but is Dr. Watson home?

Maid #1: The good doctor's been gone all day. Suffering from a broken heart, he is. And I don't expect him back any time soon.

(she dumps more dust on Sheerluck. The camera pans up to another window, as another maid beats a pillow against the wall, shaking out feathers, which fall onto Sheerluck.)

Maid #2: Oh, Mr. Holmes, isn't it? Shame on you for not being a better friend to the good doctor!

(Camera pans up to another window where we see yet another maid with a water filled bucket.)

Sheerluck: How many maids does he have? (water is dumped on him)

Maid #3: Well, if it isn't the high and mighty Sheerluck Holmes! If you just followed the Golden Rule, none of this would have happened!

(As she shuts the window, the camera pans to another window, where we see one more maid with a pail with an anvil inside it for some reason. She lets it drop onto Sheerluck's head.)

Sheerluck: (wincing) Now that just hurts like the dickens! (he gets the anvil off his head.) Excuse me, but I must find Dr. Watson!

Maid #4: Oh, you must, must you? Well, if you're such a great detective, go find him yourself! (shuts the window.)

Sheerluck: Oh, well. The game's afoot.

(Sheerluck sadly walks to Buckingham Palace, where Trout and Spud have put up more yellow tape.)

Spud: Nothing to see here. Move along.

(Sheerluck enters the scene.)

Prime Minister: Oh, Mr. Holmes, how good of you to come. I'm afraid this latest turn of events is all rather scandalous. What if word of this theft somehow leaks out to the press? (a newspaper is thrown at Sheerluck)

Sheerluck: Ow. (he looks at the headline, which reads...) "TOO LATE! THE GOLDEN RULER HAS BEEN STOLEN!." Tell me everything you know.

Prime Minister: Oh, my. Everything? Well, let's start with history. The Moors invaded Spain in 711 A.D. and—

Sheerluck: About the case, I mean.

Prime Minister: Oh, quite right. The stolen key from the key room unlocked the door to the treasure room and the Golden Ruler is gone! That's about it.

(They walk up to Trout, and once again, he and Spud say...)

Trout: Move along.

Spud: (O.S.) Nothing to see here!

Prime Minister: Not to pit undo pressure on you, but would it be too much trouble to ask you to save the day?

Sheerluck: I'm on the job. (pulls out his magnifying glass.)

Prime Minister: So, where do we begin?

Sheerluck: Don't have a clue. Usually, about this time, Dr. Watson would ask something like "when did this crime take place?"

Prime Minister: Well, it must have happened at the changing of the guard. But that's what I can't understand. After the loss of the key, we've doubled our guard duty.

Sheerluck: Right. Changing of the guard. And since every entrance and exit is blocked and there's no other way in or out of that room, it can only mean....that this is a lot harder than it looks. (a few seconds of silence) Unless....wait a minute. (whispers to the Prime Minister. Trout tries to listen to what Sheerluck is whispering.)

Prime Minister: Excellent deduction, Sheerluck!

(A fanfare plays as the Queen (played by Madame Blueberry) and the King (played by Pa Grape) enter the throne room and sit in their thrones.)

King: All is not lost. (Trout hops up.) Detective Trout of Fish and Chips has deduced that the thief and our national treasure are still hiding within the walls of our palace. Well done, Mr. Trout. (The three leave the throne room and walk towards an upset Sheerluck.) You have provided a great service to your kingdom.

Sheerluck: Hey, hold on! That's what I just said to the Prime Minister! You stole my idea, Fish! That was my idea! How would you like it if I did that to you? (gasp) Wait a minute! (Has a flashback of him in a parade and Dr. Watson sweeping up the confetti. Suddenly, he realizes the truth.) That's it! I get it. I get it now. Thank you, Detective Trout. You stole my idea and took credit for it. I don't like to be treated like that and I can't thank you enough.

Trout: Uh, okay.

Sheerluck: Don't you see? This is what Dr. Watson's been talking about all along. In the past, I took credit for everything. I wasn't trying to be mean, but I was inconsiderate like you.

Trout: Fine. Now move along.

Spud: (O.S.) Nothing to see here!

Sheerluck: This is fantastic! I finally understand! (to The King) Your Highness, we need to treat others like we want to be treated.

King: That's exactly what the Golden Ruler says, which is why it's the most valuable treasure in all the kingdom.

Sheerluck: That means we need to treat our friends like we want to be treated too.

King: Oh, yes. It certainly applies to friends

Sheerluck: Yeah, I can't solve this case on my own. I need my teammate, the greatest detective in all the land. I need Dr. Watson.

Dr. Watson: (O.S) And so you shall have him. (He walks up to Sheerluck wearing a guard hat.)

Sheerluck: Dr. Watson, I get it!

Watson: I know. I saw. (to the King) Your Majesty, if it pleases the court, I would like to reveal the criminal who had the audacity to steal the Golden Ruler.

Trout: Now hold on a minute. I've got jurisdiction here, so move along. (This time Spud doesn't say his line. As Trout looks to the King and Queen, they give him dirty looks.) Right after you solve the case.

Watson: As my good friend Sheerluck has rightly deduced, the thief in question is still in our midst, because this was an inside job. (everyone gasps) The thief is none other of the palace guards!

Prime Minister: (disbelieving) Are you quite sure? Each of our palace guards is loyal to the corps.

Watson: Oh, yes, but one guard happens to be an imposter, a foreign spy sent here to steal England's most precious possession.

King: I won't have it! If you're a thief, step forward!

(Not one guard moves.)

Prime Minister: Your Majesty, if I may? (To guards) Are any of you guards foreign spies?

Guards: No.

Prime Minister: And are all of you loyal to the crown?

Guards: Oui.

Prime Minister: I'm sorry, Dr. Watson, but I've questioned them thoroughly and I'm afraid you're mistaken.

Watson: Prime Minister, people may sometimes lie, but facts never do. (As Dr. Watson explains what happened, the scene is presented like a crime TV show, as we're shown three different footprints that belong to a bear, a crow and a pea.) First, there were the footprints we found in the keyroom. They're the exact size of a pea. (Cut to the secret passageway) Then there was the secret passageway. (A magnifying glass shows black fibers) On the wall, I found black fibers. Not only do these fibers match the guards hats perfectly, but they start and stop at the exact height of an English guard. (a pea guard is put into the picture to illustrate Watson's point. Back to the hall) That's how I knew a guard had stolen the key. But I still didn't know why. That is, until this morning. That's when I secretly investigated the crime scene and found the answer to my riddle.

Sheerluck: So you were here all the time. I should have known it.

(camera pans to the treasure room door where we see crumbs.)

Watson: I found crumbs. Crumbs that turned out to be Brie cheese and baguette bread, the breakfast staple not of England, but of a foreign land. (We're shown a picture of Paris, France. Back to the hall.) That's when I knew a spy was in our midst.

Prime Minister: But you saw me question our guards. All of them are loyal to the crown.

Sheerluck: Are they? (3x) I love threes. If my best friend Dr. Watson says that one of them is a spy, you had best better believe it, buddy.

(He accidently walks into a yellow tape, stumbles around and bumps into a guard, once again causing them all to get knocked down in a domino fashion. But this time, when the last guard falls over, his hat falls off and out of it pops...)

Prime Minister: The Golden Ruler!

(The Golden Ruler lands on the floor. The foreign spy smiles.)

King: A spy!

(Trout and Spud arrest the spy and take him out of the palace.)

Spy (played by Phillipe): And I would have gotten away with it too, but for my irrepressible love of Brie cheese and baguette bread.

King: Our national treasure has been recovered, all because of you, Mr. Holmes.

Sheerluck: Oh, no. Begging the king's pardon, but the real hero here is Dr. Watson.

Watson: No, Sheerluck. We did it as a team. As friends.

Sheerluck: That's right. As friends. (the king shows Sheerluck the Golden Ruler, which reads what he just learned.) "Treat others the way you want to be treated." That just about says it all, doesn't it? Forgive me?

Watson: You bet, buddy.

(Later that night, Sheerluck, Watson, the king and queen, and everyone else celebrates at Doylie's. Sheerluck and Watson sing Call on Us again, but with a few changes to the song.)

Both: If a crime has been committed which makes you rather curious.

Watson: While culprits and solutions lurk, elusive and impervious.

Sheerluck: And fancy words bewilder you and make you feel ridiculous.

Both: The crime will not be solved until you grab the phone and call on us!

Watson: A team that's not defeated.

Sheerluck: When I treat you like I want to-

Watson: Be treated!

Sheerluck: We're so thorough in our searching as we sift and sort and sleuth for clues.

Watson: With faculty for skirting any felon's oft deceptive ruse.

Both: Recover any treasure be it gold or silver, cash or jewels.

Watson: No criminal our wits defy.

Sheerluck: They may as well not even try!

Both: As long as these two friends live by the Golden Rule!

(As the story ends, the crime fighting duo bow as the crowd cheers.)

Closing Countertop[]

(Fade back to the countertop where we see Larry looking ashamed of all the jokes he made at the beginning of the show.)

Bob: Larry, do you have something you want to say?

Larry: Yeah. (to the people of South Dakota) I wasn't thinking about your feelings when I made fun of you. I wouldn't want you to make fun of me. Will you forgive me, South Dakota?

Bob: I think so. Historically, it's been a very forgiving state.

Larry: That's good. But how will I know?

(QWERTY shows a short animation from South Dakota showing a man and woman in various locations in the state, including Mount Rushmore, where we see Larry's face in the mountain.)

Singers: I wanna go / Warm embraces / granite faces / open spaces / I wanna go / granite faces / South Dakota!

Larry: I think that means yes.

Bob: You see, Larry, and Erica from Minot, just like in the story of Sheerluck Holmes, to be a good friend, we need to treat our friends like we want to be treated.

Larry: And like we learned in the story of The Asparagus of LaMancha, being a good friend means that we need to do what's best for our friends and stick by them when they need us the most.

Bob: Let's see if QWERTY has a verse for us today.

(QWERTY turns back on and shows the verse which reads...)

Larry: (O.S) "A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity. Proverbs 17:17" (onscreen) Excuse me. (hops to the left of the screen.)

Bob: So, Erica from Minot, the best thing to keep in mind when you're looking to make a good friend is how to be a good friend. And if you can do that, I think you'll do just fine.

(Larry comes back in his Larry-Boy suit)

LarryBoy: That's right, Erica. You'll be just fine.

Bob: What are you doing?

LarryBoy: Dress rehearsal for the next show starts in two minutes.

Bob: Do you mind if we finish this show first?

LarryBoy: Carry on, little red guy.

Bob: Remember, kids. God made you special.

LarryBoy: And He loves you very much.

Both: Bye!

(LarryBoy hops offscreen to prepare for LarryBoy and the Bad Apple)

Bob: Nobody told me about a dress rehearsal.

LarryBoy: (O.S.) Don't worry. You're not in it.

Bob: Well, how come I don't ever get to be in—

(Before he can finish the sentence, the credits roll.)

(End of trancript)