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SheerluckHolmesTitleCard

This is Larry and Mr. Lunt talking about Sheerluck Holmes and the Golden Ruler.

Transcript[]

(fades in to Scooter walking into Doylie's)

Larry: Hey everybody. This is Sheerluck Holmes, world's greatest living detective.
Mr. Lunt: And this is John Spud from the Canterbury Highway Patrol. I am the law.
Larry: That- What is that, C.H.I.P.S.?
Mr. Lunt: I am from the Canterbury Highway Patrol, thank you for noticing my badge. Larry: So, you've got jurisdiction the, do you?
Mr. Lunt: I am the law.
Larry: You know, I'm kinda like a private investigator, I'm the world's greatest living detective.
Mr. Lunt: Yeah, you're-
Larry: Cause- You heard of that before?
Mr. Lunt: Yeah. Boy, I don't believe the press. I mean, I've seen the posters, and I know that's on the bumper sticker, and it's on your lapel pin, but, eh, you've got nothing on us, cause you know, we, we are forensic chemists.
Larry: You know, with Dr. Watson and I, we've got deduction on our side. We don't need a fingerprint set, you know, thing with the tape and the powder and everything.
Mr. Lunt: Ohh, cause I have instincts.
Larry: Did- Did your instincts solve the howling dogs of Baker Street? I sure think so.
Mr. Lunt: Sure did. Sure d-
Larry: No, no, Dr. Watson and I solved that case.
Mr. Lunt: Ohh, you- ooh, if you wanna look at it that way.
Larry: It was more of like a, a poodle, it was like a-
Mr. Lunt: It was howling, whatever it was.
Larry: Poodle, poodle-looking cat. Or a cat-looking poodle.
Mr. Lunt: But anyway, what we're looking at here, just so you know, this is not a movie, okay, this is not a work of fi- of fiction, because we're actually looking at a compilation of all the security camera videotapes from across London. (as he says this it fades to Sheerluck hopping up to sing)
Larry: Security cameras have, have really gone downhill over the years.
Mr. Lunt: Yeah, like we used to have nice crane shots on the security camera tapes, and they don't do that anymore.
Larry: No, they're trying to save money.
Mr. Lunt: Well, I got a mystery for you to solve. How does that piano player play the piano like that?
Larry: Um, it's a player piano.
Mr. Lunt: Oh, well, then, what's the guy doing there?
Larry: He's playing it.
Mr. Lunt: He's playing the player piano?
Larry: Yeah, he's playing the player piano.
Mr. Lunt: Boy, that's a mystery.
Larry: Yeah, but that guy can sure play, though, can he?
Mr. Lunt: Yeah, but who- that's the- who's the- who's the red guy?
Larry: Oh, that's Dr. Watson. He's my partner.
Mr. Lunt: Oh yeah, you know what I've heard?
Larry: What's that?
Mr. Lunt: He's actually the smart one. (fade to Sheerluck and Watson walking) You know, I have a partner too, you know.
Larry: Oh yeah, yeah, the, the- F.I.S.H.
Mr. Lunt: My partner F.I.S.H.- Bill Trout!
Larry: Oh yeah, Bill Trout.
Mr. Lunt: Bill Trout is my partner from the, uh, Forensic, uh, Something of Something or other.
Larry: Yeah, the Forensic Investigative of South Hamilton.
Mr. Lunt: I could never remember all these names, but it's- I don't have to, because- (as he says this, it fades to Sheerluck and Watson with the Prime Minister)
Larry: Yeah, because you're a detective, and detectives really don't need to have good memory.
Mr. Lunt: I go on instinct.
Larry: You like my bubble pipe?
Mr. Lunt: That's a pretty nice bubble pipe. Yeah, wi- I had one of those but, uh- it keeps my desk sticky.
Larry: Okay, so-
Mr. Lunt: Who- what's the bust on the- behind the guy there, what's that thing there?
Larry: Those are, uh, old prime ministers.
Mr. Lunt: Oh, really?
Larry: Yeah.
Mr. Lunt: They get so old they turn to stone?
Larry: Yep.
Mr. Lunt: Like fossilized prime ministers?
Larry: Yeah, they-re, they're, yeah, petrified ministers. Okay, well this-
Mr. Lunt: Why are you there? What are you doing, what-
Larry: I'm in, I was, I am the world's greatest living detective.
Mr. Lunt: But-
Larry: And I was invited by the Prime Minister to find out who stole the key.
Mr. Lunt: I don't think that's true.
Larry: Yep.
Mr. Lunt: I think you just showed up, because I'm the guy that works for him. Larry: Well-
Mr. Lunt: work- I'm, I'm the law. (fade to F.I.S.H. and C.H.I.P.S. preparing to secure the area) Alright, now the professionals are here and you guys can get out of the way.
Larry: And here it goes. Taping away, taping away.
Mr. Lunt: Ohh, there it goes, see now that's how you know that we're the pros!
Larry: That looks like fun.
Mr. Lunt: The pros have the yellow tape.
Larry: But look, okay, this is how good of a detective I am. Look at this, it falls over and look, I discover the secret passageway. See, and the footprints go into the secret passageway?
Mr. Lunt: I don't think you did that on purpose.
Larry: Well, you know there's, you know, some things are on purpose and some things are, you know, just kind of happen, but you know, they happen to me quite regularly. Yep.
Mr. Lunt: Oh look, the peas.
Larry: Yep. Domino peas.
Mr. Lunt: Oh, look at the peas. I still don't know why they picked these guys to protect the most valuable things in our kingdom.
Larry: They've got tall hats and sharp sticks.

(fade to Sheerluck and Watson outside Doyle's)

Mr. Lunt: What street are you guys on there?
Larry: We're on uh, Baker Street.
Mr. Lunt: Ohh!
Larry: That's where Doyle's is.
Mr. Lunt: Doyle's?
Larry: Yeah, Doyle's, that's our little ice cream shop there.
Mr. Lunt: I knew that.
Larry: Yeah.
Mr. Lunt: Sure, I mean, I work for the force, of course I'm gonna know the deets.
Larry: That's right, so see right back to me Doyle's there?
Mr. Lunt: You don't have to tell me where we are. I know the place like the back of my head.

(fade to Sheerluck, Scooter, a woman, and Jimmy)

Larry: How about- Can you understand what this guys talking about?
Mr. Lunt: Heavens, no.
Larry: I had a really hard time understanding him.
Mr. Lunt: Who is that guy? I don't remember that guy, cause, you know, I don't do a lot of investigating. I mostly go on intuition.
Larry: Yeah, with great effort, he can make himself understood.
Mr. Lunt: Wow, that was painful to watch. Why don't they just give him a little pad of paper to write stuff down on? (fades to Dr. Watson's maids assaulting him) Ah, this is hilarious, I- This is my favorite part of the security tapes.
Larry: Yeah.
Mr. Lunt: I gotta get a copy of these tapes.
Larry: Yeah, laugh it up. Laugh it up, buddy!
Mr. Lunt: When are the security tapes coming out on DVD?
Larry: Oh!
Mr. Lunt: Ohhh!
Larry: That smarts.
Mr. Lunt: Wow, somebody better investigate that crime scene.
Larry: I had that bruise for like, three weeks.
Mr. Lunt: My goodness, so how often do you have to throw away an anvil from your attic?

(fade to Sheerluck and the Prime Minister)

Larry: So what is it, like, when you're in detective school, do they teach you about the "Nothing to see here move along", is that one of the phrases that they teach you there?
Mr. Lunt: Yeah. Oh yeah, that's real big, that comes up on day 1 and day 17 of the class.
Larry: So which one comes first, "nothing to see here" or "move along"?
Mr. Lunt: They're interchangeable.
Larry: Really?
Mr. Lunt: You can go either way.
Larry: Oh wow.
Mr. Lunt: And it takes, a skilled and seasoned detective, to know which one to go first with at what time, at some place.
Larry: Really? Okay, so say you're investigating, like um, like a shoe store, and they've had, um, some socks stolen-
Mr. Lunt: Move along.
Larry: Okay so, so "move along" comes first.
Mr. Lunt: Right.
Larry: Okay, okay, so say-
Mr. Lunt: Nothing to see here.
Larry: Okay, so say-
Mr. Lunt: In that case, you should also say "nothing to wear here".
Larry: Nothing to wear here?
Mr. Lunt: Right.
Larry: Okay.
Mr. Lunt: It's a shoes-and-sock store.
Larry: Yo- You are pretty good.
Mr. Lunt: I always wanted to investigate his facial hair.
Larry: Kind of-
Mr. Lunt: You know, how some people, the hair on their head, doesn't match the hair on their face.
Larry: Yeah.
Mr. Lunt: He would certainly qualify.
Larry: Yeah.
Mr. Lunt: Under that category.
Larry: But, see-
Mr. Lunt: While you're doing all this, do you know who's solving the crime?
Larry: Dr. Watson.
Mr. Lunt: Me. I'm solving the crime.
Larry: You're standing at the front of the hall saying "Move along".
Mr. Lunt: Yeah, but I'm thinking and thinking and thinking and thinking, and sometimes moving along helps me think, it's like pedaling my brain.

(fade to the spy's guard hat revealing the Golden Ruler)

Larry: Okay, watch this. See, look at this, look at this, see? Look at that, I solved the case.
Mr. Lunt: What!?
Larry: Right there, I solved it.
Mr. Lunt: Oh, you didn't solve nothing.
Larry: Look at that!
Mr. Lunt: You knocked the pea over.
Larry: Well, that's all part of solving the case.
Mr. Lunt: You call that- You call that investigative criminology?
Larry: That is the work of the greatest living detective right there.
Mr. Lunt: I call it-
Larry: There's our criminal right there, there he goes, off the screen.
Mr. Lunt: I made it happen, I solved the case, (fades to Sheerluck and Dr. Watson singing) and then you go back and eat the cake and sing and I gotta do paperwork. I had to fill out a hundred forms after that little incident there, pal, while you're, while you're sucking down the milk and the chocolate cake.
Larry: Well, you can- you can come and have cake with us next time, how-how's about that?
Mr. Lunt: Oh, that'll be fantastic.
Larry: Uup! That's it!
Mr. Lunt: Goodbye!
Larry: Bye!

(end of transcript)

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