This is the episode transcript for Practical Hoax.
Transcript[]
(The episode opens in Jason and Michelle's room as Jason holds onto a rope.)
Jason: Michelle! Hurry! You gotta see this!
Michelle: What?
Jason: Just come in here, pronto!
(Michelle comes upstairs and Jason pulls the rope, pulling a bucket attached to it and making it spill water. Michelle screams as she gets soaked.)
Jason: (laughs)
Michelle: I'm soaked!
Jason: Yeah! (laughs) You look like a drowned rat!
(Grandmum enters.)
Grandmum: What's all the commotion, children? Oh, dear, Michelle, you're as wet as the London fog.
Jason: My sister, the London frog! (laughs)
Michelle: That's fog! Jason did it!
Jason: Lighten up, Michelle. It was just a joke.
Grandmum: Oh, Jason, that's not funny. And it's no joke.
Jason: Sure it is, Grandmum. See? I've rigged up this cool pulley system to that loose floorboard. Worked perfectly.
Grandmum: The Good Book says, "Like a madman who throws firebrands and arrows, is the man who tricks his neighbor and says 'I was only joking.'"
Jason: Fire arrows? Nothing like that up here, just harmless water.
Grandmum: The point is it's not funny if it's mean. Your granddad used to say, "A joke is a funny story, a prank is a trick on somebody." And when that somebody gets humiliated, it's not funny. Oh, wise man, your granddad.
Michelle: Yeah, how'd you like a bucket of water dumped on your head.
Grandmum: Think about that, Jason. And Michelle, go get into some dry clothes.
Jason: No sense of humor. None, zero, zippo, nada.
(He jumps into Michelle's bed for some reason. Suddenly, the Rockhopper springs to life.)
Zidgel: Big mission, cadet. Border Collie Federation and Tennis Ball People of planet Fetch are going at it, tooth and...and...tooth and...tennis ball, I guess.
Jason: Wait, Michelle is drying off.
Zidgel: We can't wait all day.
Jason: She'll be back in a sec.
(Zidgel galeezels Jason and puts him in Kevin's seat.)
Midgel: Okay, one down, one to go.
(Michelle comes back.)
Michelle: What's up, guys?
(She is galeezeled into the ship.)
Fidgel: We'll explain on the way.
(The ship leaves the house.)
Zidgel: You're getting the seat wet, Michelle.
Michelle: You can thank Jason.
Zidgel: Oh, thank you, Jason.
(Cue the opening theme. After that, cut to Cavitus' ship as the minions annoy their master.)
Minions #1 and #2: (sing) You so cute! You so cute!
You have a button nose to boot.
We wish we had a sailor suit. You so cute!
Minion #2: Oh, master's so adorable dancing around! Yes him is! Yes him is!
Minion #1: Him's a widdle bitty boy, widdle bitty, ooh, widdle bitty boy.
Bert: Put me down, you monsterous aberrations!
(They do so.)
Bert: To think, that simple minded pumpkinheads like you, are given the honor of serving the galaxy's greatest criminal mind.
Minion #1: But master, weren't we the only ones to answer your ad in the paper?
Minion #2: That's right. Bad guy mastermind in need of subordinate minions, health benefits and 401K available.
Bert: That's enough.
Minion #1: Ooh, I joined for the 401k. There's a limit on how much you can invest, but still--
Bert: I said enough!
(Closes the robot head.)
Cavitus: You're a disgrace to minions everywhere. Hmm, yes, and I think it's about time you took a refresher course in military discipline. (He sits down to log in to his computer.) Log on. Yes, yes, uh. Come on. Come on.
Minion #1: (yawns)
(Eventually, the screen shows the logo of a school called Federation Academy.)
Cavitus: Ah, here we are. The Federation Academy. That's what you need. Back to school for all of you. Those Academy teachers will make you the very models of modern major grovelers.
Minion #2: But master, we can't go there. You're a bad boy wanted in 12 sectors. They would arrest you as soon as you docked ship.
Cavitus: True, but they would have to recognize me first. (evil laughter)
(Segue back to the Rockhopper)
Zidgel: Captain's blog, stardate three niner niner point yada yada. Mission accomplished! Ah, how the words melt in my mouth. The U.S.P.F. Rockhopper has just successfully established a peace treaty between the inhabitants of Planet Fetch and the Border Collie Federation.
Michelle: And it wasn't easy, either.
Zidgel: No, cadet, it wasn't, but such as the lot of interplanetary peacekeepers. I'd just like to see Gandhi make peace between dogs and tennis ball people.
(Michelle takes a seat on a stool, but sits on a whoopee cushion.)
Michelle: Woah! Hey, is this somebody's idea of a joke?
Jason and Midgel: (laugh quietly)
Midgel: Great idea, Jason, a space aged whoopie cushion.
Jason: Come on. I got a great joke we can play on Kevin.
(Segue to Kevin entering a room where all the furniture has been nailed to the ceiling.)
Kevin: Ahh! (He grabs onto a bed.) Help! Ahh!
(Cut to Zidgel in the bathroom. He hums as he puts hair gel in his hair. Except it's not gel, it's guacamole.)
Zidgel: Hey, is this--? This is guacamole! Who did this? (He puts on glasses, despite the fact he doesn't like wearing them. And on his glasses are pictures of Kevin.) I said who--? Kevin! Get--Kevin! Get out of my way!
(Fidgel enters the main room with a laptop.)
Fidgel: Is something wrong, my dear?
Michelle: I...I don't know...I...I...
Fidgel: Hmm...off balance, I noticed. Caused by a lack of sleep, I think. If I were you--(He opens his laptop and out springs a pie.) Who did this?
(Zidgel enters the main room, waving his arms around.)
Zidgel: Kevin! I said get out of my way!
(Kevin is shown trying to lie down in the bed without falling out.)
Kevin: Woah!
(He falls out and rolls out of the room and crashes into Zidgel, Fidgel and Michelle.)
Fidgel: Oh, my!
Michelle: Ow.
Zidgel: I told you to get out of the way!
Jason and Midgel: (laugh)
Jason: Oh, that was priceless!
Midgel: One for the books, I'd say!
Michelle: Jason! Midgel! Did you guys do this?!
Jason: We're a couple of comic geniuses! Right, Midgel?
Midgel: You got that right, Jase. And the beds nailed to the ceiling? Oh, man! I thought I'd hurt myself laughing!
Fidgel: Well, some of us weren't laughing.
Midgel: Aw, lighten up, will ya, doc?
Michelle: Lighten up? Jason, don't you remember what Grandmum said about pranks?
Jason: Come on, Michelle. It was just a joke.
Michelle: A joke? This isn't a joke. It's a prank. And not everyone is laughing so it's not funny.
Jason: Aw, you don't think anything's funny.
Zidgel: What wasn't funny? Did I miss something?
Midgel: Yeah, I think you all missed something, like a sense of humor.
Michelle: Midgel, it's not like that. We--
(The phone rings.)
Admiral Strap: Penguins! Come in, penguins!
Zidgel: Commander Strap, sir! Mission accomplished, sir! Tennis balls and dogs getting along now, sir! (puts glasses back on) Kevin, get out of the way!
(Kevin is in Midgel's seat for some reason.)
Admiral Strap: Excellent work as usual, penguins. You have no new assignment, but I do have a favor to ask of you.
Zidgel: Move, will you! Yes, sir! A favor for the old commander. It would be a pleasure, sir.
Admiral Strap: Yes. (clears throat) Well then. It seems that some of the faculty at Federation Academy have come down with a serious case of the penguin pox.
Fidgel: Oh my! Penguin pox. I hope everyone is drinking herbal tea.
Admiral Strap: Herbal tea. Uh, roger, doctor. I'll pass that along. Anywho! I was wondering if I could call on the stalward crew of the Rockhopper to fill in for the day. You know, be substitute teachers.
Midgel: Teachers? Us?
Admiral Strap: Sure. You're alumni. The voice of experience.
Midgel: The voice of experience. Yeah, I like the sound of that.
Zidgel: You can count on us, Commander! It'll be an honor to show young cadets how we roll in the big leagues. Minds of mush, they are! Waiting for a master sculptor to come in and--
Admiral Strap: Yeah, yeah. Eight o'clock sharp tomorrow morning, penguins. Over and out!
Zidgel: Over and out! Kevin, you seem to have acquired the amazing ability to have things pass through you! Maybe tomorrow, you can show your students how you--
(Michelle removes his glasses.)
Zidgel: How you disappear in an instant! Holy cow! How do you do it?
(Kevin, Fidgel and Michelle stare at him while Jason and Midgel quietly laugh.)
Zidgel: Oh, um...did I miss something?
(Fade to the next day as the crew has arrived at the academy. As they walk down the halls, we see Zidgel's school photos, which include him playing football, playing video games with friends, acting in a Shakespeare play and playing a sousaphone in a marching band.)
Zidgel: School days, school days. Wonderful golden rule days. Ha, just take a look at that kid there, will ya? I was young and fearless. Tawny and robust. And look, look!
Jason: What? What are we supposed to be looking at?
Zidgel: You don't see it?
Fidgel: Hmm...I see you sort of halfway blinking.
Zidgel: No, no! Alright, I'll give you a hint. You're looking for something that's not there.
Midgel: Aww, this is silly. I give up.
Zidgel: My chins! Look! There's only one! One chin! Ha, ha! Isn't that great?! Ah, for the days before the gobbler.
Midgel: Alright, are we through with the tour down memory lawn? I have a class to teach.
(Fidgel hands him a piece of paper.)
Fidgel: Here are your schedules. Midgel. You'll be teaching "Introduction to Federation Piloting Techniques".
Midgel: Stellar! Jason, you willing to give me a hand?
Jason: Absolutely!
Fidgel: Zidgel, you'll be handling "Leadership Principles 101".
Zidgel: Yes, of course I will.
(Segue to Zidgel in a classroom talking to his students, many of which are from the season 1 episodes.)
Zidgel: Ah, yes! I remember it well, young people. Walking these hallowed halls, reuniting with fraternity brothers after a long summer, getting ready for fall term. Autumm is a particulary beautiful season in space. There is a certain--hmm, what do you call it?--crispness to the void. (inhales) Ahh! Can you smell it?
Michelle: I can smell something.
Zidgel: Hee, hee! Oh, man! I can remember this one time when Charlie Stolfitz put breakfast cereal in his socks and then went to the dean's office--
(As Zidgel continues, Fidgel and Michelle leave the room to talk.)
Michelle: What is it, Fidgel?
Fidgel: Come with me, dear! I don't have a class to teach, so I thought we could use this time to do a little detective work.
Michelle: Detective work?
Fidgel: Yes! Remember when you asked me awhile back what happened to the inventor of the galeezel?
Michelle: Oh yeah. Bert something.
Fidgel: Bert Bertman. He graduated from here fifteen years ago. I thought we could check the alumni records and see if they give us any indication where he set off to. If we find him--
Michelle: He can tell us how Cavitus wound up with a spare part for the galeezel.
Fidgel: Right. We have to make sure Cavitus doesn't have a galeezel of his own.
Michelle: That wouldn't be good news, huh?
Fidgel: Oh, my, yes. He'd use it to shrink the entire universe to the size of a golf ball.
Michelle: Yeah, that'd be bad...unless you play golf.
(Cut to Midgel and Jason in another classroom.)
Midgel: So, landing gear, as it turns out, is pretty necessary. Now, I know what some of you are thinking, "What if we never land?" Believe me, mate, eventually you'll want to land. Am I right, Jason?
(Jason has the shrunken Rockhopper in hand.)
Jason: Absolutely.
Midgel: It's just one of those design issues we keep coming back to. You see--
(Cavitus and his minions enter wearing Groucho masks. For some reason, Midgel, Jason and the rest of the classroom doesn't recognize him.)
Midgel: Uh...tardy, aren't we, mate?
Cavitus: Tardy? Uh, why yes! Uh, Cadet Tardy reporting for class, sir!
Minions #1 and #2: (snicker)
Midgel: Huh? Your name is Tardy?
Cavitus: Aye! That's right! Tardy! Uh, Tardy McYumYum. And these are my pals, Belated and Unpunctual.
Minions #1 and #2: (snicker)
Midgel: Okay, alright. I got it. Very cute. Now would you please sit down so we can continue this class.
Cavitus: (whispers) Doh, oh, this is so rich! We shall forgo your education and have some fun with this witless waterfowl!
Minion #1: Yes, master! Hee, hee.
(Segue to Michelle and Fidgel looking through the school records.)
Fidgel: Ah! Here we are! Bert Bertman, class of 2222. Captain of the lip sync team, mm-hmm. Member of the Gamma-Hamma-Ring-Ding. Well, I didn't know that. Bert was first in his class! (He finds a photo of Bert running on a hamster wheel.) Huh, good for you, Bert!
Michelle: According to this, Bert studied engineering but opted for a career as an interdimensional travel agent. And look!
(They find a photo of him with the first galeezel.)
Fidgel: Well, what do you know? And here are some partial documents. (He comes across...) Blueprints for the galeezel!
(Back to Midgel's classroom.)
Midgel: It's a common misconception that you should downshift every time you take the ship up. I've seen more clutches burnt out that way. (Minion #1 picks up a Planet Tell-A-Lie dart and takes him to Midgel's seat.) My experience tells me that you should apply the break firmly and--(he sits on the dart) Owwwwww! (He flies out of his seat and lands on a wad of glue.) Woah! Alright, which one of you did this?!
Jason: Midgel! Midgel! It's--
Midgel: I said, who did this?!
Cavitus: (snickers)
Midgel: Oh! Mr. Tardy, I see! Is this your idea of a joke, Mr. Tardy? Is it?!
Cavitus: A joke? Oh no, Mr. Midgel. Perish the thought!
Midgel: Perish the thought, huh? I'll show you perish the--(His foot gets stuck in the glue.) What? Hey!
Cavitus: Now that, that is my idea of a joke, Mr. Midgelly Midgel, sir! (laughs)
Entire class: (laughs)
(Jason tries to free Midgel, but he gets stuck too. Eventually, they are stuck together in a huge glue blob. The whole class laughs hard.)
Cavitus: No more penguins! No more books! No more Midgel's dirty looks! (laughs) Come one, everyone! I am filled with mirth and gaity! Laugh with me! Laugh with me!
(The dart gets up and watches the whole class laughing. Segue back to Michelle and Fidgel.)
Fidgel: Oh yes, these are Bert's blueprints for the galeezel, alright. See? They match. And here's a drawing of the combobjulator. It's the part of the galeezel that shrinks and/or blows up the victim--ahem! I mean the dimensional traveler, of course. But there's no indication of what happened to Bert. But if Cavitus had a combobjulator, he must have run into Bert. And stole it from him. Oh my, I hope he didn't hurt the furry little guy.
Michelle: Wow, Dr. Fidgel, it says here that in the end, Bert the Hamster went bad.
Fidgel: Went bad? What do you mean?
Michelle: I mean he went off the deep end, as far as hamsters go. At one point he attempted to take over the Academy and make himself Honorary Dean of Evil.
Fidgel: Dean of Evil? Oh, that sounds more like a liberal arts position to me. And besides, I knew Bert. He wasn't evil! He was cute and cuddly!
(Back to the classroom as Cavitus laughs and dances around his victims.)
Midgel: Well, Jason. I think I'm beginning to catch on why everyone was so mad about our little prank.
Jason: Yeah, a prank isn't funny when someone is humiliated. I guess I didn't realize it til that someone was me.
Tell-a-Liar: Stop this, I say! Stop this right now! (Everyone stops laughing.) You should all be ashamed of yourselves! Look at you! Look at them! Do you really think this is funny? Do you really enjoy seeing other people humiliated? Is this your idea of entertainment? Making other people feel awful? Is it?
(As the class thinks about this, a koala and a pumpkin headed kid remove the buckets from Midgel and Jason's heads)
Jason: Whew! Thanks.
Tell-a-Liar: Now, does the class have anything they want to say to our substitute teachers who were kind enough to take time from their busy schedules to come here and speak with us today?
Students: We're sorry.
Cavitus: Sorry?! Sorry?! C'mon, people! We were all having such a great time!
Tell-a-Liar: But a joke is only funny when everyone can laugh. And I can think of at least two people who weren't laughing.
Wait-Your-Turner: I didn't think it was funny, either. I guess I laughed because I was scared of not being with the group.
Jason: Yeah, following the group isn't always the best idea, especially if they're doing something that hurts someone else.
(The rest of the class murmurs in agreement.)
Midgel: No worries, mates. Actually, Jason and I did the same thing to our friends just yesterday. We've learned a valuable lesson today.
Cavitus: We've learned a valuable lesson today! Oh, good night, moon! You people really disgust me! And to think I sent my minions here to get an education! Never again!
(Cavitus removes his glasses.)
Students: (gasp)
Cavitus: Cower before me, sycophants, for I am the great and terrible Cavitus!
(Midgel and Jason are instantly free from the glue.)
Midgel: Cavitus!
Jason: That's what I was trying to tell you earlier.
Midgel: Amazing what a pair of glasses can do. And a mustache. And a big nose. And those Andy Rooney eyebrows.
Cavitus: And now, I shall fulfill my long held desire to undermine this derivative institution and make myself Honorary Dean of Evil!
(Everyone glares at Cavitus.)
Cavitus: Or not. Minions! Escape!
Midgel: Right, then, lads! Get 'em! Come on, this way!
(Everyone follows Cavitus and his minions as they run down the halls. Meanwhile, Zidgel is still rambling about the past.)
Zidgel: Ah, for those wonderful days of yore! The bonfires! Haircare marathons! Charlie Stolfizt and his sock full of breakfast cereals!
(He sees Cavitus on the run.)
Zidgel: Ha, ha! Looks like a water balloon war! C'mon, chums! Let's go make some memories! Follow me!
(Everyone runs out of the room.)
Michelle: Dr. Fidgel, look! It's Cavitus.
Fidgel: Oh, don't be silly, dear. Cavitus didn't have high enough test scores to get in here.
Michelle: Then maybe he broke in! Look!
Fidgel: Stop right there, Cavitus! Reach for the sky! It's detention for you, pal. Ooh! Time to break out the galeezel.
(Fidgel fires. Suddenly, Cavitus is the size of a doll.)
Tiny Cavitus: Awww! Curses! Curses! Angry ranting and more curses! Ahhhh!
Fidgel: Hmm, never hit a moving target before. I should try skeet shooting.
Cavitus: Get us out of here, you chucklehead! To the ship!
(Minion #1 takes his shrunken boss out of the academy.)
Minion #2: I was going to see if you could come out and play today, but we ended up being kind of busy.
Cavitus: Minions!
Minion #2: Oops! Gotta run. See you later, Kevin.
Kevin: Bye-bye.
(Cavitus' ship leaves as its exhaust fumes shoot down the hallway.)
Zidgel: Whew! That was fun! Ha, ha! Um...who were we chasing?
(Segue back to Grandmum's house.)
Jason: Hey, Michelle. I'm sorry I played those pranks on you earlier.
Michelle: You mean those jokes?
Jason: No, I mean pranks. Like Grandmum said. Pranks aren't funny when they humiliate people. A joke is only funny when everyone laughs.
Grandmum: Is it safe to come up?
Jason: Sure. Come in, Grandmum.
(Grandmum enters holding a plaque.)
Grandmum: I wasn't sure if I'd get a bucket of water on my head.
Jason: No, I learned my lesson, Grandmum.
Grandmum: Good. I have something for you two.
Jason: "Best Joke of the Year"? Best joke? I thought you said--
Grandmum: Read the inscription.
Michelle: "Like a madman who throws firebrands and arrows, is the man who deceives his neighbor and says 'I was only joking.'"
Jason: What does that mean?
Grandmum: Granddad knew how to make people laugh without making someone feel bad. Firebrands and arrows are things that are hurtful.
Michelle: And just plain mean.
Jason: I see the connection. What might be funny to us might feel like "firebrands" and "arrows" to someone else.
Grandmum: I'd say you're on your way to making people laugh, yourself. Good night, pumpkins. Say your prayers.
(As Jason kneels down, he sits on a whoopee cushion.)
Grandmum: Oh, did I forget something up there?
Jason and Michelle: (laugh)
(End of transcript.)