This is the episode transcript for Invasion of the Body Swappers!.
Transcript[]
(The episode opens in Grandmum's house as Grandmum knits, Jason plays hockey and Michelle reads a catalog.)
Jason: He brings the puck up the ice. He's unstoppable. He's on a breakway. He shoots, he scores!
(Michelle looks at the catalog's cover.)
Michelle: Wow.
Jason: And the crowd goes wild!
Michelle: Grandmum, can we go to the store later?
Grandmum: What do you need from the store, dear?
(Michelle shows her the catalog.)
Michelle: This.
Jason: What's that?
Michelle: Spark-a-light lip gloss.
Jason: Lip gloss? Gross!
Michelle: For you information, spark-a-light tastes like pralines and cream, and has sparkles that make your lips shine, and, and, and well, just look at her. She looks fantastic. I want to look as pretty as she does.
Jason: Huh, good luck.
Grandmum: Jason, don't be mean. Now, dear, lip gloss won't make you look like her. And besides, Michelle, I think you look fine just the way you are.
Michelle: I don't. For one thing, I look dumpy in these shorts.
Jason: No comment.
(Michelle glares at Jason.)
Grandmum: Now, Michelle, you stop talking like that. You are a beautiful girl, outside and inside, but it's what's inside that matters most.
Jason: Yes, Michelle, I bet you have the prettiest guts in town.
Michelle: My guts?
Grandmum: (laughs) No, of course not, dear. I mean your character, your personality. That's the real you, not the way you look. Like the Good Book says, "Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who obeys the Lord will be honored."
Michelle: I, I don't know what that means.
Grandmum: It means--(teapot whistles) oh, there's my tea. I'll be right back, dearies.
Jason: I still think she's talking about your guts.
(He swings the hockey stick and hits the puck, which hits the ship, bringing it to life.)
Zidgel: Cadets Jason and Michelle, the untamed frontier of the galaxy needs you!
Jason: Hold on to your guts.
(Both kids are brought onto the ship before it leaves the house. After the opening theme, we see the ship flying through space as Zidgel talks about the mission they just completed.)
Zidgel: Captain's blog, stardate six point twelve dash nine, carry the two, which makes it, Thursday. Mission accomplished. Those words are always sweet to my beak. This time, the crew, led by moi, negotiated a land for peace deal with the Belly Buttonians and the Lint People. (The screen shows two aliens shaking hands. One's a fat green alien and the other's a living lint pile.) Now, they will live together peacefully in the naval crater on Planet Epidermis.
Midgel: Um, where to now, Captain?
Michelle: Yeah, where are you taking us this time?
Zidgel: To the Miso Guapo Convention in Sector Nine!
Midgel: The what?
Zidgel: The Miso Guapo Convention. It's the annual gathering for all users of Miso Guapo hair and skin care products. (He pulls out several hair care products.) Let's see here, demi care patented oil control, daily hydrator; sculpting gel to help energize, tighten, and tone your midsection. Oh, and we mustn't forget the coveted Avocado Body Balm.
Midgel: No, we mustn't do that.
Zidgel: Mr. Guapo himself even sent me a free sample. (kisses balm) I'd have three gobblers hanging right now if it weren't for this stuff.
Midgel: Sector Nine, it is.
Zidgel: Yesireebob, I'm expected to give the keynote address this year.
Midgel: You, really?
Zidgel: Mr. Guapo thinks that I perfectly epitomize the Miso Guapo standard of physical perfection. You know, Midgel, you should try Miso Guapo products. They would only enhance your physique. You've the right sized pectorals, but you need to lose a few inches in your waist. And you, Jason, your waist is small enough, but you need to work that chest up. And you, Kevin--
Kevin: (puts sock on beak and makes weird noises)
Zidgel: Uh, never mind.
(Segue to Michelle in her room as she plays with her doll.)
Michelle: You are just too adorable, Miss Pretty Pretty. Look at you with those rosy cheeks, and that smooth soft skin of yours.
(The doll's right eye falls out.)
Jason: Hey, where have you been? Ha! Looks like Miss Pretty Pretty is Miss Cyclops now!
Michelle: Jason!
Jason: Well, she is. And I don't know why you call her Miss Pretty Pretty. She's a rag thing. Her voice chip doesn't even work anymore.
Michelle: I've had her a long time. She's been a really good friend.
Jason: Whatever you say.
Midgel: Come on, Jase, we need to ready the ship, almost to Sector Nine.
Jason: Alright, I'm coming.
(Michelle walks up to a mirror.)
Midgel: Hey, Mish, everything alright?
Michelle: Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. Midgel, do you, do you think I'm pretty?
Midgel: What? (nervously laughs) Well, to tell you the truth, Michelle, I really don't know much about that sort of thing. To me, the prettiest thing in the world is the Rockhopper. She's a beaut, she is.
(Michelle looks again in the mirror before heading to the main room.)
Fidgel: Oh, hello, dear. I've been tweaking the galeezel device. Would you like to help me?
Michelle: Fidgel, do you think I'm pretty?
Fidgel: Pretty? Uh, well, pretty is as pretty does, as my mom always used to say. (pulls out a phot of his mother) Ah, Mum was the prettiest woman in the world. But come, let's test this out, shall we? Kevin! Come over here and lend us a hand. We need a guinea pig.
(Segue to Michelle looking in the mirror again as Zidgel enters the room.)
Zidgel: (sings) I make 'em swoon!
Even for a cartoon!
Just like George Cloon...ey!
I make the gals loon...ey! (chuckles) I am a handsome fellow. Don't you think, Michelle?
Michelle: Sure, Captain Zidgel, very handsome.
Zidgel: Good taste, young lady.
Michelle: Do you think I'm pretty?
Zidgel: Oh, yeah, sure.
(Michelle takes another look in the mirror.)
Fidgel: Now, I'm just adjusting the energy flow for shrinking and transporting matter from one place to another. This should be rather painless. Are you ready, Kevin?
(A laser beam suddenly shoots from the galeezel. Zidgel enters the room.)
Zidgel: So, how do I look, crew?
(He gets hit by the beam. After the beam turns off, both penguins seem fine. Unfortunately...)
Kevin: (with Zidgel's mind) Ow! That was painful!
Jason, Michelle, Midgel, and Fidgel: (gasp)
Zidgel: (with Kevin's Mind) Hmm, yup.
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: What's the meaning of this, doctor?
Michelle: Oh no, Fidgel. They switched bodies!
Fidgel: Oh, goodness gracious me!
Jason: Cool.
Fidgel: Hmm, yes, yes, it appears there's been an unintended transference of brainwave patterns. Most interesting.
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: What? What's happened to me? (He runs into the bathroom, looks in the mirror and screams when he sees he's now in Kevin's body.) No, no! No, no, no, no, no! (removes his hood) This can't be happening! Not right before the Miso Guapo Convention! I've, I've got a speech to make!
Midgel: I think this is what they call cruel irony.
Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body: (puts sock on beak and makes weird noises again)
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Kevin, stop doing that to me!
(Michelle takes another look at herself in the mirror as Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body panics.)
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Oh, man, I'll need bucketloads of Miso Guapo's Avocado Body Balm to fix this! That stuff can do miracles, and I need a miracle right now!
Michelle: Hmm, me too.
(Cut to the Comet Lounge as the crew is drinking slushies.)
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Take it easy there, Kevin! You need to watch my waistline.
Sol: Wow, you guys have been in some fixes before, but this really takes the cake.
Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body: Cake?
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: No, absolutely not! Sol, hide the cake. Fidgel, how much longer on that galeezel?
Fidgel: Uh, well...
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Hurry! I'm supposed to be at the convention in an hour!
Jason: Um, I think it's gonna take longer than that, Captain.
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Then you have to give my keynote address, Kevin. I can't show up at the convention looking like...um...like this.
Sol: But, Captain, even though you've switched bodies, it's still you on the inside.
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: You don't understand, Sol! The Miso Guapo conventioneers have very high standards on physical appearance.
Sol: Hmph, sounds like a low standard to me.
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Easy for you to say! (stops Kevin from touching a cake slice.) And, Kevin, I said no cake! Come on, let's do some sit-ups. Feel the burn, baby.
(Sol facepalms.)
Michelle: Hydrates and moisturizers. I wonder what the difference is.
Sol: Oh, now don't tell me you're falling for Zidgel's line. Remember, Michelle, it's what's inside that counts, not how you look.
Michelle: I don't know, Sol. The only thing inside Miss Pretty Pretty is a broken sound chip.
(Segue to the Miso Guapo Convention which takes place on a space station that's shaped like a bottle of hair gel.)
Announcer: Welcome to the Miso Guapo Galactic Headquarters! Remember, if you don't look good, you don't look good.
(Cut to Cavitus' ship.)
Cavitus: Ah, the Miso Guapo Annual Convention. A chance for the most attractive and perfectly proportioned people from across the galaxy to commune and cavort and direct haughty glances at all the common and cosmetically incorrect among us.
(He pounds his chest and his head opens.)
Bert: (sighs) How I wish I was one of them.
Minion #2: Aww, but, master, you're so cute just the way you are!
Bert: Preposterous! Maybe in my suit of armor, I meet the proportional requirements to be considered handsome, but inside, I'm still only a small pudgy vermin!
Minion #1: But that's the way we like you!
Bert: Well that's not how I like me! But all of that will change today! Today, Mr. Guapo is planning to give out free samples of his newly patented Avocado Body Balm. I must have all those samples!
Minion #1: Ugh, why would you want a tube full of mashed avocado?
Bert: Ugh, must I explain everything?
Minion #1: Yes.
Bert: Very well. If I have all the Avocado Body Balm, then I, the great and terrible Cavitus, will be the most cosmetically beautiful and emotionally shallow person in the galaxy! (evil laughter)
(Segue to the convention.)
Michelle: Here's the captain's speech, Kevin. He said to do it word for word.
(Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body bumps into a cardboard cutout of Zidgel. We then see Miso Guapo himself, who appears to resemble a lobster, but without claws.)
Miso Guapo: Greetings, conventioneers. Welcome to the Miso Guapo annual celebration of beauty and comeliness. Right now, I would like to introduce our keynote speaker for the evening, a penguin who was voted the most handsome Federation captain in the galaxy, Captain Zidgel!
(Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body walks up onstage. Meanwhile, Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body and Jason watch the convention on TV.)
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: (worried) Oh, man, he'd better not mess this up.
Jason: Don't worry, Captain, it's Kevin!
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Exactly! Fidgel, how's it coming on the galeezel?
Fidgel: Eh, it's coming. Patience, Captain.
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Patience, he says! Whew, I gotta get this body in shape.
(He pedals on an exercise bike. Cavitus watches the convention on his TV too.)
Bert: Well, well, Captain Zidgel, I presume? This is a most blithe development. Now, not only will I swipe the coveted Avocado Body Balm, but also, heh, that capricious captain.
(Segue to Michelle running up to a booth selling balms.)
Alien saleswoman: Hello, darling! Would you like to try Mr. Guapo's new avocado balm? You vant to be pretty, yes?
Michelle: Y-yes, I do!
Alien saleswoman: Well then, step right up, darling. Oh, and your hair. It is so, uh, how you say?
Michelle: Ugly?
Alien saleswoman: Oh, where is the poof? You must have poof, darling. Hair is not hair without poof. But first, we must get rid of this ugly doll, yes?
(Michelle thinks for a few seconds.)
Michelle: Yes, absolutely.
(She tosses her doll in a wastebasket. Cut to Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body as he makes a speech.)
Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body: Then, there was the time I lost my wallet between my pectorals. I'll never forget it. I--(sneezes into the paper) Uh-oh.
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: No, no!
(Everyone watches as Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body puts the sock on his beak and makes weird noises again.)
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: No, not the sock! Not the sock!
(Everyone watches as Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body lies down on the floor and places a jar of coins on his belly.)
Jason: Hey, he's gonna do the penny volcano trick!
Midgel: Yes, I love that trick!
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: The who? The what? What's he gonna do?
(Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body does said trick.)
Jason, Midgel, and Fidgel: (laugh)
Jason: Fantastic! But it always worked best with Kevin's body.
(Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body does the same thing.)
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Ha, how'd you like that? I didn't know Kevin could do that.
(Back to the convention.)
Miso Guapo: Uh, thank you, Captain. That was very, uh, stimulating. But now, the moment you've all been waiting for, the unveiling of my new patented Avocado Body Balm! Free samples for everyone!
(The curtain lifts and everyone goes up onstage for a free sample.)
Bert: No, just what I've been waiting for!
(He closes the robot's head.)
Cavitus: The free samples, at last! Engage mega tractor beam!
(A tractor beam fires from the ship, lifting up the samples of body balm and Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body.)
Wait-Your-Turner: Help, I'm too beautiful to be captured!
(Cut to the saleswoman and Michelle, the latter now having puffy hair.)
Alien saleswoman: Oh, no. Excuse me, darling, tractor beams just ravage my skin. (screams)
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: It's Cavitus. First Officer Midgel, crank us up and get on his tail.
(Midgel finds the keys are missing.)
Midgel: The keys, Captain, throw me the keys.
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Oh no, I left them in my pockets, I mean Kevin's pockets, I mean Kevin's pockets in my body!
Midgel: No keys?
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: They're there!
(We see the tractor beam bringing Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body and the body balm samples onto Cavitus' ship.)
Cavitus: (evil laughter) I have you now, Captain Zidgel, as well as all of Miso Guapo's free samples! Cosmetic and social superiority are mine! Mine! (evil laughter) (Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body says nothing.) Didn't you hear me? I said cosmetic and social superiority--hey, are you paying attention?
(Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body remains silent.)
Cavitus: You know, Captain, it's really hard to reap the benefits from gloating without a little feedback. Can you contribute a little to this conversation?
Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body: Hello.
(Segue back to Michelle talking to Midgel via a cellphone.)
Michelle: What? Say that again!
Midgel: I said we can't go anywhere. The captain left the keys in Kevin's, I mean, his own pockets. I'm gonna try and hot wire this thing. But until then, it's up to you, Michelle.
Michelle: Okay, I'll do what I can. (She goes to talk to Miso Guapo.) Mr. Guapo, sir, we need to do something! Cavitus is getting away!
Miso Guapo: Yes, yes, and let him go. He can keep the free samples.
Michelle: But he's also got Captain Zidgel, I mean, Kevin!
Miso Guapo: Oh, really? Well, he can keep him too.
Michelle: But, Mr. Guapo...!
Miso Guapo: It appears you just got a new hairdo. And let me warn you, space travel can do murder to your hair and dry out your skin.
Michelle: Mr. Guapo, Cavitus is getting away! We have to do something!
Miso Guapo: Really? Why?
Michelle: Because good has to triumph over bad, get it?
Miso Guapo: Frankly, no. After all, it is more important to look good than to be good.
Michelle: What?
Miso Guapo: It's what's outside that counts, dear. Don't you agree?
Michelle: No. No, I don't. It doesn't matter what we look like if we don't do the right thing.
(She takes her doll out of the garbage. Segue to the convention room as she decides to make an announcement.)
Michelle: Hey, listen to me! All of you!
(Everyone continues cheering.)
Michelle: Hey!
(The conventioneers quiet down as Michelle shakes her head until her hair is back to normal.)
Michelle: There, that's better. Do you see this doll? This was given to me by my grandmum when I was just two years old. She's been my best friend for a long time now.
Miso Guapo: Oh, dear girl, she's downright unattractive. Get a new best friend.
Michelle: She might not look like much, but believe me, her beauty isn't in the way she looks, but in how she makes me feel.
(Michelle removes the sound chip.)
Miss Pretty Pretty's sound chip: You make me happy! You're my best friend!
Michelle: Hey, how about that? You can speak again! It's what's on the inside that counts. After all, "charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a person who obeys the Lord will be honored," am I right, people?
(The conventioneers cheer in agreement as Miso Guapo watches unsatisfied.)
Miso Guapo: No, let's not be hasty. Good looks count for something.
Conventionneers: (cheer for Michelle)
Zidgel-in-Kevin's-body: Midgel, I think you're beautiful.
Midgel: No, Captain, you're beautiful!
Both: (sobbing)
Jason: Oh, brother.
Miso Guapo: I guess you're right, my dear. I'm so sorry for our behavior. Is there anything we can do to help?
(She eyes the cardboard cutout of Zidgel.)
Michelle: Yeah! I don't suppose I could borrow that for a few minutes, could I?
Miso Guapo: But of course.
(Segue to Cavitus' ship.)
Cavitus: Oh, come on, Captain. You gotta give me something! Something like, "Cavitus, I should have known," or, "You fiend!" or, "You'll, you'll never get away with this!" or even--
Zidgel's voice: Nanny nanny boo boo.
Cavitus: Well, that wouldn't be my first choice, but--hey, how did you say that without your lips moving?
(Cavitus looks to the TV and sees the cardboard cutout.)
Zidgel's voice: Because, because that is not the real Captain Zidgel. I am!
Cavitus: You are? But who--?
Zidgel's voice: A decoy! Ha, ha, yes, you've heard of duck decoys, well, this is a penguin...version. Very rare.
Cavitus: But, your lips aren't even moving now.
Zidgel's voice: Oh, um, yes, that's right. I do that a lot. Clever, no?
Cavitus: Yes, very. Drat, a decoy! A decoy! Curses, rants, exclamations, and, and--!
Minion #2: Gesticulations expressing angry emotion?
Cavitus: Yes, that! You can't do this to me! Not again! Not again! Gah!!
(He angrily presses a button, dropping Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body out of the ship.)
Kevin-in-Zidgel's-body: Woah.
(Cavitus tries to stop the balm bottles from falling out of the ship.)
Cavitus: Ah, minions! My Avocado Body Balm! My own! My precious!
(Segue to the Comet Lounge as the crew has nacho chips. Also, Kevin and Zidgel are now back in their own bodies.)
Zidgel: Well, I have to admit, it's good to be in my own body again. Even though I did enjoy the opportunity to do the penny volcano trick.
Midgel: To the penny volcano trick!
Rest of Rockhopper crew: The penny volcano trick!
Michelle: And to Miss Pretty Pretty. She taught me a lot today, like the proverb Grandmum told us.
Jason: "Charm is deceptive and beauty is vain."
Sol: A wise woman, your grandmum.
Michelle: And very beautiful, inside and out, because she knows doing the right thing is more important than looking good.
Sol: Just remember, Michelle, good looks don't last. What does last is kindness, love, and friendship. The things that can only be found on the inside.
Miss Pretty Pretty's sound chip: You make me happy! You're my best friend!
Jason: Sorry for what I said earlier. Miss Pretty Pretty is kinda cool, I mean, cool for a doll.
Michelle: Thanks, Jason! Pretty is as pretty does. Right, Fidgel?
Fidgel: That's right.
Zidgel: Speaking of which, I think my days of endorsing Miso Guapo products are over.
Midgel: Really, Captain? That's great. Is it because they're too focused on outward appearances?
Zidgel: Nope. Because I'm allergic to avocadoes. Hey, Sol, what's in this dip?
(Segue to Grandmum's house as the kids pray before bed.)
Jason: Thank you for another amazing day.
Michelle: And for another lesson. I get it, now. It's what's inside that counts. Help me to remember that, no matter what I see on T.V. or in any magazine.
Both: Amen.
(Fade to Cavitus' ship, where we see Bert has tried the balm, only to have been turned green.)
Bert: That's a lie! I'm not any taller, my nose is the same size, I don't have any rippling muscles! All a lie!
(His minions bring him a blue bin filled with soapy water.)
Minions: Awww! Looks like little master needs him a bath! Yes, him does!
Bert: Get away from me! No, no, I'm not gonna--leave me alone! Oh, I'm gonna get you!
(End of transcript.)