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This is the episode transcript for Hogs and Kisses.


(The episode opens with Grandmum carrying a laundry basket.)

Grandmum: Hello, dearie. Have you seen Jason?

Michelle: He's right there.

(Jason is shown playing a video game on the old TV.)

Grandmum: Jason? Jason!

Jason: Huh?

Grandmum: Sit up straight, crumpet, or you'll get a shrimp back.

Jason: (mumbling) Okay, Grandmum, morphing invinsible hyper speed on.

Grandmum: (laughs) If that's hyper speed, I'm Lloyd George. You haven't moved an inch all day.

Michelle: (giggles) It's true. You've been there for hours.

Jason: Have not. (He wins the level.) Finally! High score!

Grandmum: Too much of that isn't good for you.

(She takes the controller away from him.)

Jason: Huh?

Grandmum: Go out and play, Jason.

Jason: Congratulations, Jason, good game.

(Jason grabs a handful of candy, but Grandmum stops him.)

Grandmum: Ah, Jason love, too much candy. Give it here, please.

(He hands her the candy.)

Jason: All I get is complaints.

Grandmum: Now, sweetie, mustn't take it all to heart. I'm only telling you these things for your own good.

Jason: Doesn't feel like it.

Grandmum: Like the Good Book says, "The wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses." Don't you want to know what that means?

Jason: Not really.

Grandmum: Family and friends tell you things that might hurt a bit, but are for your own good. On the other hand, enemies can say things that sound nice, but they don't care how you treat yourself.

(Jason heads upstairs to the attic.)

Michelle: Hey, where are you going?

Jason: Somewhere where I won't get grief for eating a piece of candy.

Michelle: Grandmum was only saying that because she cares, Jason.

Jason: Then I'd rather be around someone who doesn't care. Like Joey Corellee.

Michelle: Him? He's always pushing you around. He's no friend.

Jason: Yeah, but at least he doesn't bug me when I eat candy or play video games! Or say hurtful things that make me feel bad!

(He hits a box with his fist and the Rockhopper roars to life.)

Michelle: Yeah, because--

Zidgel: Ahoy, Jason and Michelle. What seems to be the problem? (Before they can explain, Zidgel continues talking.) Never mind that now, we have a mission. (They're both brought onboard the ship.) Um, Jason, shoe's untied.

Jason: (frustrated scream)

(The ship flies out of the attic. After the opening theme, fade to the inside of the ship as Jason enters the main room wearing a sour face.)

Zidgel: Welcome aboard, cadets.

Fidgel: Stand up straight, lad.

Michelle: I thought you said we had a mission.

Zidgel: Absolutely. A mission to Space-T Freeze. Then we go and help some poor alien race with their piggy bank in Sector Eight.

Jason: Oh, boy, the Space-T Freeze!

Zidgel: Not so fast, mister. I'm sorry to report, you left half a corn dog under your bunk last time you were here. It's rotting on the floor. You ever hear of disease?

Jason: Huh?

Midgel: Gotta keep the ship ship-shape, mate. Not to mention healthy.

Jason: Okay...

Zidgel: Oh, and Jason.

(Jason trips.)

Jason: Woah! Oof.

Zidgel: Your other shoe's untied, too. Don't want to, uh, trip and hurt yourself.

(Segue to the Comet Lounge. Jason mopes as he sits at the counter.)

Sol: So, why so down in the mouth?

Jason: Huh? Oh, I don't know. It's nothing.

Sol: Are you sure?

Jason: "Jason don't do this. Jason don't do that. Stand up straight, too many video games, too much candy." It's like nobody likes me. Makes me feel...bad.

Sol: Who makes you feel bad?

Jason: (pointing to the crew) Them! Everyone! I thought they were my friends. It's like everything I do is wrong.

Sol: Ah, wounds from a friend.

Jason: Huh? What?

Sol: The wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.

Jason: Where have I heard that before?

Sol: Well that means, sometimes your friends may say things that hurt your feelings, but it's only because they care about you.

Jason: Yeah, if they really cared, they'd say something nice for a change.

Sol: Well, that's the other part you have to be careful about. Cuz sometimes, your enemies can say nice things to get their way. It's called flattery.

Jason: So, how do you know who your real friends are?

Sol: A friend will tell you something for your own good.

(Jason finishes his drink.)

Jason: One more?

Sol: Uh, one's the limit. H-how about a piece of fruit? It's better.

Jason: Oh, never mind. Nobody understands.

(Jason spots the Space T-Freeze truck outside the lounge and gets an idea.)

Michelle: So when do we go on this all-important mission?

(Fidgel checks his pocket watch which has an hourglass inside it.)

Fidgel: Any moment now. Must keep the schedule. We should be leaving straight away.

Michelle: What kind of mission is it?

(Fidgel thinks for a bit.)

Fidgel: Rumors are, whatever it is, it's something quite big.

Zidgel: And you and Jason will be along for the ride of your life to Sector Eight! (echo)

Michelle: Where is Jason, anyway?

Midgel: I think he went back on board ship.

Kevin: Can I have another fish frappe?

(Zidgel checks his watch, which is a ringing alarm clock.)

Zidgel: Looks like that'll have to wait!

(Both the ice cream truck and the Rockhopper leave the lounge. Segue to the Rockhopper as it flies through space.)

Zidgel: Captain's blog, we are currently en route to a top secret mission to the spaceship cruiser, Pig-O-Bank.

(Michelle walks up to the door to Jason's room.)

Michelle: Jason, we missed you at the Comet Lounge. Look, I'm sorry if we said...if I said anything to upset you. Okay? Jason? Oh, come on, don't be a baby. Open the door.

(The door opens. Michelle sees that Jason is nowhere to be found.)

Michelle: Jason?

(Cut to the crew looking at the screen which shows the ship they're heading for.)

Zidgel: Wow, that's big.

Fidgel: Ho, ho, it's bigger than big. The Pig-O-Bank planetary cruiser.

(The Rockhopper approaches the Pig-O-Bank, which, as its name suggests, resembles a piggy bank.)

Midgel: Coming into visual range.

(The Rockhopper flies around the Pig-O-Bank.)

Zidgel: Everything is going perfectly.

Midgel: No worries.

Michelle: Help! Someone help! Jason is gone!

(Segue to the Space T-Freeze truck.)

Jingle: Space T-Freeze is fun to eat

It makes each day a special treat!

After veggies and your meat,

Have a Space T-Freeze!

(The Lizard King hears shivering in the back of his truck. He finds Jason in the back, freezing.)

Jason: (shivers)

Lizard King: Great Bullamanka! A human ice pop! What are you doin' in there?

Jason: R-r-running away?

Lizard King: Not on board my ship, you don't. No stowaways. I got a firm rule against such things. (Pulls Jason out of the cargo hold.) Wait a minute, I know you. You're the mate aboard the Rockhopper, under Captain Zidgel.

Jason: P-p-please. You gotta let me stay. I-I can't go back there.

Lizard King: Why not?

Jason: They say things that hurt my feelings...s'posed to be helpful.

Lizard King: Oh, it's like that, is it? Always telling you what to do, eh? Giving you orders, do this, do that. Making you feel bad by saying things you don't wanna hear, eh mate?

Jason: Yeah!

Lizard King: Ha! Get over it! You're a shipmate. Taking orders is what you do. Whatever they're telling you is probably for your own good. I'm taking you back.

Jason: You can't!

Lizard King: Oh, yes I can, and furthermore, you'll be lucky if they don't--(As he turns his truck around, it suddenly gets caught in a tractor beam.) Tractor beam! Ha! I'll bet that's them now. You can do all your explaining when ya, ya, yikes! (faints)

(Jason realizes who's pulling them in.)

Jason: (gasps) Cavitus!

(Eventually, both are brought onboard the ship.)

Lizard King: What are you gonna do to us?

Cavitus: Nothing, nothing at all. Jason is a friend of mine.

Jason: I am?

Lizard King: He is?

Cavitus: Of course. I'm so glad to have run into you. But tell me, how did you get all the way out here?

Jason: I, I was running away.

Cavitus: Do tell. Do tell.

(Segue to the Rockhopper flying around the Pig-O-Bank.)

Michelle: I tell you, I've looked everywhere! He's gone!

Fidgel: Sir, the admiral of the Pig-O-Bank cruiser requests an audience.

Zidgel: Uh, certainly, bring him aboard.

Michelle: What about Jason?!

Zidgel: Bring him aboard, too. Uh, I mean, keep looking.

(The ship approaches the giant one. Soon, a short pig who's dressed like Captain Crunch and a tall, fat one board the ship.)

Fidgel: Captain, Admiral Sowmaster.

(They both shake hands.)

Admiral Sowmaster: Time is money, Captain. This is my assistant, Cash. Captain, we have a situation here. (to Fidgel) Say Sparky, how about a cup of tea? (Fidgel brings him a cup of tea.) Hey, you're all right, Sparky.

Fidgel: It's Doctor Fidgel.

(Admiral Sowmaster looks up at Kevin.)

Kevin: Hello.

Admiral Sowmaster: Say, you every play any college ball?

Kevin: Nope.

Zidgel: Uh, Admiral, you were saying?

Admiral Sowmaster: Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, our deep space scanners picked up a whammer closing fast.

Zidgel: A what?

Admiral Sowmaster: A whammer, you know, a ramhammer...a clod bopper? A crash masher?

(Cash shows Zidgel a picture of a giant hammer.)

Zidgel: So, what does this whammer want?

Admiral Sowmaster: You're a real gem, aren't ya? Somebody give Columbus here a map. The Pig-O-Bank cruiser is fully loaded with cold hard cash, 400 gajillion pennies to be exact, en route to the Federation League of Planets. (The Pig-O-Bank is shown getting hit by the whammer.) They're gonna smash the Pig-O-Bank cruiser and scatter the loot all across the galaxy. What do ya think?

Fidgel: Oh, my.

Admiral Sowmaster: You can say that again. We need you to stop it. You think you can do it?

Zidgel: Absolutely. Sparky here will figure something out.

Michelle: What about Jason?

Admiral Sowmaster: Who might you be?

Zidgel: Oh, this is Michelle. We lost her brother.

Admiral Sowmaster: Off to a rocky start, aren't ya?

Zidgel: Well, we'd better get started. You return to your ship and we'll try and stop this wham thingie.

Admiral Sowmaster: See that you do.

(Admiral Sowmaster and Cash leave the ship.)

Michelle: Captain, Jason?

Zidgel: Doc, do a full scan of the ship to see where Jason is hiding. Midge, set an intercept course for that whammer whatever.

Midgel: Don't have to. It's here.

(The whammer is shown on the screen approaching the Pig-O-Bank. Segue to Cavitus' ship as Cavitus and his minions spoil Jason by letting him lie on a pillow pile and eat grapes from a bowl while fanning him.)

Cavitus: Now, isn't this much better than being aboard that stuffy penguin ship? A boy of your talent and ability should be giving orders, not taking them. You should admired and respected. (The Lizard King glares at Cavitus.) Nobody should say anything to cause you pain, right chum?

Jason: I, I couldn't agree more.

Lizard King: Hey, kid, they're fattening you up for the luau.

Jason: What are you talking about?

Lizard King: Come on. If they buttered you up any more, you'd slide out on your head. They want something. Watch out.

Cavitus: Is something wrong?

Jason: Why are you being so nice to me?

Cavitus: Nice? This is how I treat all of my crew. Right, boys?

Minions: (laugh nervously)

Cavitus: What a bright young man you are. You know, I could use someone just like you to help me rule the universe.

Jason: Wow! Really?!

Cavitus: Why not? All you need is your own ship. Something fast and sleek. Something like, oh, like the Rockhopper?

Lizard King: Aha! Uh, he, he.

Cavitus: Boys, please escort our lizard friend out to get some nice ice cream treats from his ship.

Lizard: Hey, hang on there. Those treats aren't free, you know.

Cavitus: Oh, I shouldn't worry, I'm about to come into quite a large sum of money. (evil laughter)

(The minions lead the Lizard King out.)

Lizard King: Oy, easy on the skin, mates!

Cavitus: Now, about your nasty crew mates.

Jason: Yeah?

Cavitus: Where are they off to, this time?

Jason: I don't know.

Cavitus: Oh, surely you must have some clue. Did they happen to mention a Pig-O-Bank?

Jason: Oh yeah, Captain Zidgel said something about that.

Cavitus: Brilliant boy, yes. Now, as the captain was telling you everything you do wrong, did he mention where he was headed?

Jason: Sector...Eight, I think.

(Minion #2 enters.)

Minion #2: Sir, he's out of pumpkincicles.

Cavitus: Not now!

(Minion #2 leaves.)

Cavitus: You were saying?

(Segue to the minions and the Lizard King in the cargo bay as he unloads his truck.)

Minion #1: You got Saturn pies?

Minion #2: Ice cream cups?

Lizard King: Yep, all the flavors you can eat.

Minion #1: Even raspberry twirl?

Lizard King: Oh, sure! It's over there behind the fruity popsticks.

Minion #1: Oh ho, me first!

Minion #2: Hey, save some for me!

(They both rush into the truck and the Lizard King shuts the doors.)

Lizard King: Ha! Ya big apes! That'll learn ya to match wits with the Lizard King of Bullamanka! Now, to get help.

(He gets into his truck and calls for help.)

Lizard King: Mayday, mayday. This is Space-T Freeze transport. We need help! Anyone, come in!  (no reply) Ugh. Where's help when you need it?

(Cut to the Pig-O-Bank and the whammer. The whammer tries smashing the ship, but it hits the ship's force field. As the ship flies in front of the Pig-O-Bank, the crew watches with worry.)

Michelle: They're gonna smash the cruiser!

Zidgel: Doc, how strong is that shield?

Fidgel: Oh, not strong enough. Sir, this is odd. It seems the Whammer ship is fully automated.

Midgel: It's remote controlled, Captain. There's no one on board.

(Admiral Sowmaster gets in contact with the Rockhopper.)

Admiral Sowmaster: Hey. What's goin' on? I thought you said we were gonna stop this thing.

Zidgel: Working on it!

Admiral Sowmaster: Oh yeah? Well, work faster. Cuz if they break this bank, it's comin' out of your wallet, you got me?

Zidgel: Yes....(Screen turns off.) Sir.

Fidgel: If that Whammer is automated, then who's controlling it? And from where?

Michelle: And where is Jason?

(The ship's alarm beeps.)

Midgel: Sir, we got a distress signal.

Zidgel: Well, of course we've got a distress signal. They're getting the pennies pounded out of them.

Midgel: No, sir, from another ship. Not far away, either.

Zidgel: Oh, heh, heh.

(Midgel contacts the other ship.)

Lizard King: Mayday, mayday! This is Space-T Freeze transport! Come in, penguins! Jason is--

(Lizard King is cut off as Minion #2 covers his mouth.)

Minion #2: That was a sneaky trick locking us in the freezer.

Minion #1: Yeah, and you're out of raspberry twirl, too.

Minion #2: Yeah!

(They pull him into the back of the truck.)

Zidgel: Weird.

Michelle: And he said something about Jason!

Fidgel: Sir, the Pig-O-Bank shields can only hold for ten minutes more!

(The screen shows what's controlling the whammer.)

Midgel: And that remote control signal is coming from the same location.

Zidgel: Alright, Midgel, put the spurs to her.

(Midgel accelerates the ship.)

Admiral Sowmaster: Hey! Where're you going?! Come back here, ya chickens!

Cash: Uh, sir? They're penguins.

Admiral Sowmaster: Yeah? Well, they'll be barbecue when I'm done with them.

(The whammer hits the Pig-O-Bank again. Cut back to Cavitus' ship as Bert is shown controlling the giant hammer.)

Bert: Oh yeah.

(Jason enters the room.)

Jason: Hey, what's that?

Cavitus: I'm...breaking open my piggy bank so I can buy you that ship. Would you like to help?

Jason: Okay.

(Jason unknowingly starts assisting Cavitus with breaking the ship.)

Cavitus: Yes. That's it.

Jason: Aha, this is fun!

(The minions throw the Lizard King into the main room.)

Lizard King: Oi! If I was a might bit bigger, I'd show ya who was boss! (Lizard King sees Jason breaking the piggy bank.) And what do you think you're doing?

Jason: Playing a game.

Lizard King: Well, isn't that cozy? That's no game! That's a Pig-O-Bank cruiser, and he's trying to get you to smash it so he can loot the ship. He's a crook, he is.

Cavitus: (laughs) Why, that's preposterous.

Lizard King: Jason, can't you see this man's not your friend? He's saying nice things to lead you down the wrong path. He's just using you to do his dirty work for him.

Jason: Is that true?

Cavitus: (chuckles) No, no, no. (chuckles) Yes.

Jason: Huh?

Cavitus: Oh, don't be so naïve. Of course it's true. You're just a silly little boy who doesn't know what's good for him.

Jason: Maybe I don't. But I know people who do know. They're called friends.

(Jason leaves the bridge in a huff.)

Lizard King: Right behind you, lad!

Cavitus: Hey, come back here!

(Cut back to the Rockhopper as the crew finds out who's controlling the whammer.)

Zidgel: I should have known.

Fidgel: Cavitus!

Zidgel: Where?

Fidgel: On board that ship.

Zidgel: Oh, right.

Midgel: What do we do? And what does Cavitus want with the Space-T Freeze?

Zidgel: Well, that's a silly question. He obviously wants some ice cream, butternut fudge with a marshmallow on top, it's his favorite.

(Michelle and Fidgel stare in confusion.)

Zidgel: That's, uh, the word on the street.

Kevin: But where's Jason?

(Jason and Lizard King make their escape to the ice cream truck. The Lizard King gets out holding popsicles.)

Lizard King: Strap yourself in, lad. I gotta slow these blokes down a bit. (Cavitus and his minions look down the escape tube as the Lizard King throws popsicles at them.) Treats on the house, boys! Come and get it!

Minion #1: Oh, boy! Raspberry twirl!

Cavitus: Oh, look, butternut fudge! Anyone have a marshmallow?

(As the easily distracted villains enjoy their popsicles, Jason and Lizard King make their escape.)

Lizard King: That'll hold them for a while. Alright, kid, hang on!

(The ice cream truck rockets away from Cavitus' ship.)

Lizard King: Boy, that was a close one, eh?

Jason: Sure was.

Lizard King: He had you snookered pretty good. Glad to see you back to your senses.

Jason: The wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy just multiplies kisses.

Lizard King: Too true, mate. Sometimes folks who aren't your friends say nice things, but they're really harming you.

(Jason presses a button on the remote control that stoops the whammer.)

Zidgel: Space-T Freeze, this is Captain Zidgel. We are here to help you.

Lizard King: Actually, Captain, I believe I have a little jumbuck what belongs aboard your ship.

(Segue to the Rockhopper as Admiral Sowmaster thanks the Rockhopper crew for their help.)

Admiral Sowmaster: As admiral of the Pig-O-Bank planetary cruiser, I'd like to present you with this medal of honor and courage.

Rockhopper crew and Lizard King: (cheer)

Jason: I don't deserve a medal. The Lizard King, he's the real hero. Actually, I owe you all an apology. I ran away and got into a lot of trouble. I know you didn't mean to hurt my feelings. What you said was for my own good. I didn't get that. Now I do. Boy, do I ever. I'm really sorry.

Admiral Sowmaster: You know, kid, it's a brave man who can admit he's wrong.

Cash: Look. It's leaving. The Whammer is going away.

(Fidgel is shown controlling the whammer.)

Fidgel: Oh, my! (laughs) This is fun!

(Cut back to Cavitus' ship.)

Minion #1: Uh, sir? I think we have a problem.

Cavitus: What is it now?

Minions: The Whammer!

(The whammer chases after Cavitus' ship and tries hitting it.)

Cavitus: Penguins! I'll get you if it's the last thing I do!

(Segue to Grandmum's house as Jason and Michelle fix the stairs to the attic.)

Grandmum: Whatever is that racket, pumpkins?

Jason: Well, after I finished my chores, I was going to play video games, but then I noticed this step was loose. So, I decided to fix it.

Grandmum: Why, that's good of you.

(Jason accidentally hammers his thumb.)

Jason: Ow!

Grandmum: (gasps) Oh, That must've smarted. (puts a bag of frozen peas on his thumb) Here, love. Good thing I had these. Better? Now, if you don't mind, I could show you how to hold that hammer so you won't hurt your fingers.

Jason: Can't I do anything right? I mean, could you show me a better way?

Grandmum: Like this, my pet. You're less likely to get wounded this way.

Jason: But the wounds of a friend can be trusted.

Grandmum: (kisses Jason's thumb) As well as the kisses of your grandmum.

Jason, Michelle, and Grandmum: (laugh)

(Fade to later that night as Jason and Michelle pray before bed.)

Michelle: And thank you for the fun day.

Jason: And for all the fun we had.

Michelle: And a grandmum who shows us how to do stuff.

Jason: Even when it might hurt a little sometimes.

Jason and Michelle: Amen.

(End of transcript.)