Fair and Square is a song from The Cheating Scales of Bullamanka. The song merely talks about that since cheating isn't good, it is important to play by the rules.
Rusty: How many mutants of Jadon-9 does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ventrilomatic: That data is unavailable.
Rusty: Two thirds!
Rusty: Tell me, why did the robot cross the road?
Ventrilomatic: I don't know, why did the robot cross the road?
Rusty: Because it was carbon-bonded to the chicken! speaking of crossing the road, I thought we were gonna take a trip to the sun.
Ventrilomatic: That is absurd, our chassis would not withstand the intense heat of a journey to the sun. how would we accomplish this objective?
Rusty: We just go at night. speaking of the sun, Two hydrogen atoms were walking down the road.
Ventrilomatic: The arforemented one? with the chicken?
Rusty: No, Two hydrogen atoms were walking down a different road, and one says to the other, " Oh dear, I think I've lost an electron!" "Really?" The other asked. "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm positive!"
Café Announcer: Alright, That was the Ventrilomatic and Rusty. and appearing next on stage here at the Fabulous Comet Lounge, their very first appearance anywhere, It's a small group of penguins.
Kevin: I am...
(Kevin starts too early. Fidgel plays slow slide guitar as Kevin sings mournfully)
Kevin: I am aware...
Other three: He is aware...
Kevin: That you don't play fair...
Other three: Cheater, cheater, cheater, cheat
Kevin: That nervous grin...
Other three: Think you're charming, think you're neat
Kevin: That scaly skin...
Other three: Scaly hands and scaly feet
Kevin: I just can't bare...
Other three: You can see it on his face
Kevin: I'm in despair...
Other three: You can tell because he frowns
Kevin: When you do that thing...
Other three: Thingy, thingy, thingy, oh!
Kevin: Like the Lizard King
Other three: The bloke who cheated in the show!
(music ramps up to fully rock-a-billy romp)
Zidgel: You say G-7's empty as you smile and bite your lip, But you know from the four pegs in a row that he sank your battle ship.
Midgel: And you're tellin' her to go fish. It ain't goin' like you planned 'Cause the hearts that she just asked for are beatin' in your hand.
Penguins: Ohhh! You hate to be the loser so you always gotta win. But I'm tellin' you, son. Playin' ain't no fun with a cheatin' champion! Yeah! Take another look at the Good Book. God wants us to play fair Yeah! Winnin' is for losers unless it's fair and square!
(cuts to the other characters dancing)
Penguins: Yeah! Winnin' is for losers unless it's fair and square!
Fidgel: You say it's Colonel Mustard in the den with the candle stick, But that's not right 'cause Mrs. White's in the ballroom with a brick.
Zidgel: And you move your bishop sideways, hey. So your pawn can steal my queen, ooh
(Midgel shows a sign with a image of ham)
Zidgel: Man, I ain't staying with you dirty playing. It's the worst I've ever seen!
Penguins: Ohhh! You hate to be the loser. So you always gotta win but I'm tellin' you, son, playin' ain't no fun with a cheatin' champion! Yeah! Take another look at the Good Book. God wants us to play fair. Yeah! Winnin' is for losers unless it's fair and square! Yeah! Winnin' is for losers...unless it's fair and squaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaare!
Cowboy Alien: Ye-haw! Them boys are good!
- This is the first song for 3-2-1 Penguins!
- This was featured on the TV version of LarryBoy and the Bad Apple.
- The Penguins broke the fourth wall when they mentioned the Lizard King who cheated in the show.
Real World References
- Kevin's singing in the beginning is similar to Patsy Cline (1932-1965), a American country singer, famous rich tone, emotionally expressive and bold contralto voice.
- The lyrics to the song are references to different games like Battleship, Go Fish, Cludeo (Clue in America), and Chess.