Big Idea Wiki

This is an episode transcript for Crossing Guard.


(Scene opens to Pa directing the traffic, just as Larry notices and comes up to Pa.)

Larry: What are you doing out here in the middle of the crosswalk, Pa?

Pa: I'm a crossing guard. I keep the crosswalk safe and make sure people follow all the rules.

(Pa holds out his sign meaning green, allowing the traffic to pass by again.)

Larry: Wow! A crossing guard?! Do you get paid? Do you get paid nachos? What's this? Is it magic? Is it a spatula? Is it a magic spatula?

(Larry starts playing with the sign before Pa takes it back from him.)

Pa: Larry, that's my sign. I control traffic with that.

(Pa directs the traffic once again.)

Larry: You're the bossy traffic guy?

Pa: I'm just a citizen serving the community.

Larry: Serving? Citizen? I'm a serving citizen! Where do I sign up to tell people what to do?

Pa: There's a sign-up sheet in my store, but it's not about bossing people around-

(Pa looks to see that Larry has already left before he could finish his sentence.)

Pa: Larry?

(Scene switches to an exercise show on TV.)

Corn Man: And one and two! And one and two! And one and two!

Bob: (grunting)

Corn Man: Ha! We're just getting warmed up!

Bob: Water break!

(Bob takes a drink of water.)

Corn Man: Don't stop for water yet! Remember, this is just a warm-up!

(Another corn man falls backwards in exhaustion, before Bob pulls out some weights and starts lifting them.)

Bob: (sighs) Another water break!

(Bob takes another drink of his water, when Larry suddenly comes in while wearing his brand new crossing guard uniform.)

Larry: Da-da-da-da!

(Bob falls backwards in surprise.)

Larry: Larry the crossing guard, at your duty!

(Larry looks to the side, just as Bob gets up, before Bob notices that the water bottle is now stuck to his nose.)

Larry: Bob, why is there a huge bottle on your nose?

Bob: (nasally voice) I was trying to exercise.

Larry: Ha-ha! You sound funny!

Bob: (nasally voice) I was taking a water break and you startled me!

(Bob tries pulling the bottle off his nose, but it won't come off.)

Bob: (nasally voice) Oh man! It's really on there!

Larry: While you were bottle-nosed-exercising, I became a crossing guard! I get to boss people around!

(Bob still tries to pull the bottle off his nose, but it's still stuck.)

Bob: (nasally voice) You think you can help me get this bottle off my nose?

(Larry jumps on Bob and tries to help him pull the bottle off, but it still won't come off.)

Larry: You're right, Bob. That is on there!

(Larry gets sent flying when trying to pull the bottle off then crashes off-screen.)

Bob: (nasally voice) I gotta get this off my face! I'm supposed to work at Pa's tomorrow!

(Scene switches to Bob using a pipe wrench on the bottle, but it doesn't work. Bob next uses a vacuum cleaner but the vacuum cleaner just throws him around. Bob next approaches Robert the Buffalorange as he puts a rope around Robert's neck then throws a PBJHD for Robert to chase after, pulling Bob along with him, but it also does not work. Bob next tries making a concoction with his chemistry set as he adds a small drop to the concoction. Cut to the outside of Bob and Larry's house as a small explosion is seen, before Bob is seen still with the bottle stuck on his nose then falls backwards. Scene switches to Pa still directing the traffic and the pedestrians.)

Pa: Stop, go, come on!

Larry: Guardian Larry reporting for duty! Sworn protector and upholder of law, bossiness, and traffic! Sir!

Pa: You got here just in time. Hey, did Bob make it in to work today?

Larry: I don't know, sir! Bob has a giant bottle stuck on his nose, sir!

Pa: Alright. Just make sure public safety is your priority. You are now in charge of this crosswalk.

Larry: Charge? Gotcha. Charge!

(Larry runs off while yelling.)

Pa: Oh boy.

Larry: You, cross! You, stop! You, turn around and sit down! Now do the hokey-pokey!

(A carrot boy wearing a propeller beanie comes up to the crosswalk.)

Larry: You in the hat! Go put on a better hat!

(Larry is still directing the traffic and the pedestrians, blowing the whistle while doing so. Larry is now standing on his head while still directing the traffic then turns right-side-up again.)

Larry: Man, I love being the boss! (blows his whistle and holds up his sign) Hustle! Hustle! Move! Move!

(Larry allows the traffic to pass by once again. Scene switches to Bob with the bottle still stuck on his nose approaching his car.)

Bob: (nasally voice) Late, late, late! I gotta get to Pa's!

(Jimmy and Jerry approach Bob.)

Jimmy: Hi, Bob.

(Bob turns around and faces Jimmy and Jerry while the bottle is still on his nose, which Jimmy and Jerry are surprised to see.)

Jimmy: I'm no bottle rocket scientist, but I'd say you got a bottle stuck on your nose.

Bob: (nasally voice) Thank you for you assessment. I really have to go.

Jimmy: Hey, Jerry and I get stuck in things all the time! One time, Jerry got his tongue stuck in the trunk of our car. Luckily, I didn't drive very far before I noticed.

Jerry: 47 miles!

Bob: (nasally voice) Guys, I have to get to work. I'm already late, I can manage just fine with this bottle on my face.

(Bob drives away, leaving Jimmy and Jerry behind. Jimmy and Jerry look down to see Bob driving through town, but swerving while doing so.)

Jimmy: Jerry, Bob obviously needs our help but isn't willing to accept it. A true friend would give him a hand.

Jerry: I'll get the pipe wrench.

(Scene switches to back with Larry as he blows his whistle again, just as a crash happens.)

Larry: When I say 'stop', I mean stop! I'm citing you all for ridiculous driving and disturbing the peas! Do crossing guards write tickets? Sure, why not? (starts writing) I am the boss. Maximum fine, 12 dollars! Maximum fine, a fish stick! Maximum fine, 30 push-ups!

(Pa Grape comes by.)

Larry: Maximum fine, 33 push-ups! (puts the ticket on Pa's head)

Pa: Larry, what are you doing?

Larry: Just writing tickets. Man, the paperwork on this job is unreal!

Pa: Writing tickets? That's enough! I'm gonna let you go!

Larry: Let me go? Thank you! I won't let you down!

(Larry hops down the sidewalk until he bumps into Bacon Bill.)

Bacon Bill: Hey, Larry, what's with the cool sign? (gasps) Are you a policeman now?

Larry: I'm a crossing guard now, which is like a cop without a mustache. I was just guarding that crosswalk, but I was let go.

Bacon Bill: 'Let go' as in 'set free'?

Larry: Exactly! I'm a crossing guardian of the entire galaxy!

Bacon Bill: Wow! Do you need help? 'Cause that sounds like a lot of guarding!

Larry: Sure! I got lots of bossing around to do! I could use a side of bacon! Just do as I say, Billy Boy! No crime is too small, no rule too ridiculous! Show! No! Mercy!

Bacon Bill: Got it, sir! Count me in!

Larry: You ready to write some tickets?

Bacon Bill: Tickets make my hands tired. I say, we just put them on time out!

Larry: I like how you think, deputy.

(Scene switches to Bob arriving at Pa Grape's store, then enters the store.)

Bob: (nasally voice) Sorry! Sorry I'm late!

(Bob is surprised when he sees that there's already a line at the front of the store counter. Bob then jumps behind the counter and faces Granny Asparagus, who is at the front of the line.)

Bob: (nasally voice) What can I do for you?

Granny: You have a bottle on your nose, young man.

Bob: (nasally voice) I realize that.

Granny: Oh. Who can keep up with kids these days? Wearing their wristwatches, light-up shoes, and nose bottles?

Bob: (nasally voice) Next!

(Jimmy and Jerry come up to Bob.)

Jimmy: Don't worry, Bob. We know that you rejecting our help was itself a cry for help.

Bob: (nasally voice) No, it was pretty clearly not.

Jimmy: Loud and clear, Bob. Get him, Jerry!

(Jimmy and Jerry quickly jump Bob, just as Mr. Lunt comes up to the counter.)

Mr. Lunt: I just want to buy these chips.

(Scene switches to Larry and Bacon Bill having finished building a large cardboard jail.)

Larry: Ah, Timeout Jail is done! Now, to fill it with troublemakers!

Bacon Bill: The only thing that would be on timeout in this town (camera zooms in on his face) is justice!

(Music starts playing as Larry and Bacon Bill travel through town, looking for troublemakers.)

Larry: (singing) Quit speeding on that tricycle

Your crime spree now must end!

I'll bust you for that bad haircut

So our streets are safe again!

Don't talk with your mouth full

Or you're gonna feel my wrath!

Kid with the dirty face

I order you to take a bath!

It's gonna be your loss

If you give my rules a toss

I'm a crossing guard that's cross

At this crossing I'm the boss!

So don't cross the crossing guard

Or with a crime you will be charged!

With the fist of the law

I'll come down hard

So don't cross the crossing guard!

Those pants are a felony offense

And tuck in that shirt tail

And you there slurping root beer

How 'bout a night in jail?

And you there kid, let's see you smile

You're not allowed to scowl

And by order of the crossing guard

You must pluck that unibrow!

It's gonna be your loss

If you give my rules a toss

I'm a crossing guard that's cross

At this crossing I'm the boss!

So don't cross the crossing guard

Or with a crime you will be charged!

With the fist of the law

I'll come down hard

So don't cross the crossing guard!

(The song ends, just as Pa has seen what Larry has done, as he drops his sign in surprise.)

Pa: Oh dear.

(Scene switches to Pa now entering the store while panting heavily.)

Pa: Is Bob here?!

Jimmy: He's here. Jerry and I are helping him get a bottle off his nose.

Pa: What happened to my store?

Jimmy: We tried everything in the store to get the bottle off of Bob. There's only one thing left.

(Jerry brings out a pirate cannon, with Bob inside of it.)

Bob: (nasally voice) Did you guys stick me in a pirate cannon?!

Pa: I totally forgot I had that.

(Jimmy pulls out a pair of glasses and puts them on.)

Jimmy: Gentlemen, if my calculations are correct, the canonical propulsion times the blast divided by the confectionery curve equals that bottle popping right off of Bob's nose amd is having a little celebratory afternoon ice cream!

Jerry: Science!

Bob: (nasally voice) Um, guys?

Jimmy: That is, as long as the three of us hold on to this rope, real tight.

(The cannon then blasts Bob right out and into the air.)

Jimmy: This just might work, Jerry! This... just... might...

(Jimmy, Jerry, and Pa suddenly get pulled along with Bob, just as Jimmy's glasses get left behind. The four then rocket through the air while screaming before they came back down to the ground and land on top of each other. When Bob shakes his head, the bottle falls off, much to his happiness.)

Bob: It actually worked! (gasps)

(Bob is surprised when he sees the Timeout Jail now full of people.)

Bob: Oh no! What has Larry done?

Pa: This is what I was trying to tell ya. He too his crossing guard duties to a whole new level of bossy!

(Larry and Bacon Bill come up to Bob.)

Larry: Bob! See what I did? Aren't I the best crossing guard you ever saw?

Bob: Larry, you practically arrested the whole town!

Larry: Yep!

(Larry then notices the bottle on the ground.)

Larry: What's that? A bottle? Why didn't you recycle that? Lawbreaker!

Bacon Bill: Come on, Larry. What do you say we show a little mercy to Bob?

Larry: Did you say 'mercy'? Are you aiding and abetting this man?! Whose side are you on?! You're all lawbreakers!

(Scene switches to Bob, Jimmy, Jerry, Pa, and Bacon Bill now thrown into the Timeout Jail as Larry slams the door then locks it.)

Jimmy: Hey, I want my phone call!

Jerry: Bossy!

Bacon Bill: I got being a crossing guard all wrong. Now I bossed all of us into Timeout Jail!

Bob: A crossing guard is a public servant. It's more than just enforcing rules.

Pa: We need to be kind and fair to our friends, not bossy.

Bacon Bill: I set Larry wrong. Now I gotta set him right.

(Bacon Bill comes up to Larry.)

Bacon Bill: Psst! Larry! I gotta tell ya something.

Larry: Does it have to do with a troublemaking bad guy?

Bacon Bill: Um, yes, yes! It's about a bossy guy!

Larry: Hmm. Describe him to me.

Bacon Bill: Well, he's tall, green, smells of sardines, oh, and he has one tooth!

Larry: Yes! Yes! Is this the man?

(Bacon Bill sees that the picture Larry drew bears resemblance to Larry himself.)

Bacon Bill: That's the guy! He's bossing everyone around! Does he look familiar to you?

(Larry looks at the picture, and immediately becomes remorseful.)

Larry: It's... It's me!

Bacon Bill: Don't you see, Larry? We were super-bossy to our friends.

Jimmy: No one likes to be bossed around.

Larry: You're right. I'll never do it again!

Bacon Bill: Way to go, Larry!

Larry: Well, I gotta pick up my tuxedo from the drycleaner! See ya!

Bacon Bill: Wait! You think you could get us out of jail first?

Larry: Okey-dokey, artichokey!

(Larry unlocks the jail door, letting everyone out. Scene switches to Larry directing the traffic once again, but this time being more fair and kind about it.)

Larry: Hold on there, folks! Thank you! Okay, you can go now!

(A corn man crosses the street, before Pa approaches Larry.)

Pa: Larry, you are making one great crossing guard. Good job!

Larry: I'm just a citizen working for the community. Right this way, ma'am!

(Larry still continues directing the traffic, as the screen goes dark, ending the episode.)