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This is an episode transcript for Comedy of Errors.

Transcript

Doctor Pimento: (evil laughter) He is my masterpiece. Eyes like fireballs dipped in lava! Teeth like broken serving platters!

Woman: (screams): Dr. Pimento, he's breaking loose from his chains!

Doctor Pimento: Run!

Michelle: (screams)

Michelle: (sings) Fluffy cats and candy canes. Think of sunshine when it rains. Soothing thoughts can ease your pains. Fluffy cats and candy canes.

Jason: What are you doing under there?

Michelle: Nothing. Looking for...dust.

Jason: Yeah, right. You were scared of that silly show, "Dr. Pimento's Scare Fest".

Michelle: Okay, so I was scared.

Jason: And what was that dumb song?

Michelle: I sing it when I'm scared to calm myself down, okay? Just promise you won't tell anyone. Please?

Jason: Why not? It's funny.

Grandmum: Because she asked you not to, Jason. When a friend asks you not to tell something that's embarrassing, you shouldn't tell. Unless, of course, the secret might hurt your friend or someone else.

Jason: I don't see the big deal.

Michelle: It's embarrasing. That's the big deal, Mr. Sensitive.

Grandmum: Oh, we all have little embarrassing secrets. Even me. Okay, little pumpkins?

Jason: I still don't see what the big deal is.

Zidgel: Come on, cadets. Big doings!

Jason: Another planet to save?

Zidgel: Nope. You can't save the universe every day. There's a great new comedy act at the Comet Lounge.

Midgel: Bonsai!!!!

Zidgel: Not much longer now. Can't wait to see that new routine: Ventriolomatic and Rusty, Reprogrammed!

Jason: Hey, speaking of funny, you should have seen how scared Michelle got watching some dumb T.V. show.

Michelle: Jason, come on.

Jason: And you know what she does when she's scared?

Zidgel: Run? That's what I do. Uh, I mean, that's what I never do. (nervous laughter)

Michelle: Jason, please. Don't tell. Remember what Grandmum said?

Kevin: Tell us, Michelle.

Fidgel: Yes, it might be instructive.

Michelle: You'll make fun of me.

Midgel: No, we won't, Michelle. We're all friends. Come on. What do you do when you get scared?

Michelle: Well, I guess I can tell you guys. Just promise not to laugh. Okay. I sing a little song.

Kevin: I love songs.

Jason: Sing it for them, Michelle.

Zidgel: Yes! Let's hear it, cadet! A one and a two and a--!

Michelle: No. No, I can't.

Penguins: (all talk)

Michelle: Well, alright, I guess. But it's really silly. If you tell anyone, I'll hide in a hole the rest of my life.

Zidgel: Hmm, I wouldn't recommend a hole. A closet would be much cleaner.

Michelle: (clears throat) Fluffy cats and candy canes. Think of sunshine when it rains. Soothing thoughts can ease your pains. Fluffy cats and candy canes.

Jason: I thought I could make people laugh! (laughs)

Fidgel: Now, be kind, Jason. After all, that was very...sweet.

Jason: Yeah! (laughs) If sweet means hilarious!

Midgel: Don't listen to him, Michelle. It was...cute. Your secret is safe.

Zidgel: Yeah, that's really embarrassing!

Kevin: I liked it.

Midgel: Hey, you okay, kiddo?

Michelle: Yeah, I'm fine. Just wished I hadn't shared that song.

Midgel: Hey, I get a little shook up after some of these missions. You wanna know how I relax?

Jason: Hey! That's, that's Barry Liteweight, the so-called king of easy listening! Midgel, you gotta be kidding me!

Midgel: Every now and then I need to listen to something soothing. It's a bit soft, I admit, but--

Fidgel: We're all friends here! Our secrets are safe with each other.

Jason: Just don't tell me anymore! My image of you is forever scarred.

Zidgel: Tell you what. In the same tender spirit of love and confession, I would like to introduce all of you to a very secret acquaintance of mine. My imaginary friend, Mr. Waddlebottom!

Jason: Okay, I'm leaving now.

Ventrilomatic: Oh, you little scamp. What do you get when you cross an x-24d modulator with a 16 ampere reticulation cable?

Rusty: I don't know, but there's one sitting on your shoulder!

Zidgel: (laughs)

Jason: Oh, please, I've seen better jokes on gum wrappers.

Zidgel: (laughs) This guy kills me! What? You think you could do better?

Jason: You should see my in my classroom. Well, when my teacher's out.

Midgel: You really like that...stuff?

Fidgel: Ugh! Fishy marshmallows! Hideous! How can you eat those?

Kevin: I'm a penguin.

Ventrilomatic: Ah, ah, ah, answer me this. How many, how many, how ma--?

Rusty: Two. One to eat the peanut butter, and the other to hold the cabbage!

Sol: Uh, heh, heh. Just hold on, folks! We seem to be having a few, uh, technical difficulties.

Michelle: Oh, no. Poor Sol. Looks like his comedian broke.

Zidgel: Hey, Jason! This might be your chance!

Jason: (spits out drink) What?

Zidgel: Sure! Show us what you're made of.

Sol: Uh...heh, heh--

Jason: Um...hi, folks. How're you doing tonight? Good?

Jason: Good. Hope you're enjoying that salad bar. So many crouton choices.

Zidgel: (laughs)

Jason: Ahem! Um...okay. So, there was this horse who had to go the video arcade see, and, no, no. Wait a minute. Sorry, it's, it's a lobster. That's right, a lobster. There's this lobster who has to go to an arcade and, no, wait a minute. That's not right.

Zidgel: Say, he's not half bad!

Jason: So the second guy says, "What? You want me to lick the butterknife?" (laughs nervously) Get it? Lick the--oh, no, no, wait a minute. It was the first guy who says it.

Zidgel: Butterknife! (laughs)

Sol: Well, guys, it was a noble effort.

Michelle: That went really bad, didn't it?

Midgel: He's like a black hole for comedy.

Jason: Okay, that was fun. A little rough at the start.

Fidgel: And at the end.

Midgel: And the middle.

Jason: Well, okay, I guess I appeal more to a third grade audience.

Zidgel: Aww, don't listen to them. I thought you were great!

Sol: Now I do appreciate you trying to help. It was very thoughtful. But right now, I need to think about fixing my robot before tonight.

Jason: Yeah, sure, sure, but why not give me just one more chance?

Sol: What? (coughs) You, you gotta be kidding me.

Jason: Sure! Look, I know I can have them rolling in the aisles, just like in my third grade class!

Zidgel: Come on! The kid's a natural!

Sol: Jason--

Jason and Zidgel: Oh, please? Oh, please? Oh, please? Oh, please? Oh, please? Oh, please?

Sol: Jason, really, I--

Sol: Oh, alright. But only if I can't find a repair man for Ventriolomatic.

Jason: Yahoo! Thank you, Sol! You will not regret this!

Sol: Just help the boy come up with some jokes, okay? And by jokes, I do mean funny.

Zidgel: Okay, how many light bulbs does it take to change a light bulb?

Sol: I don't know, how many?

Zidgel: That wasn't a joke. I, uh--

Zidgel: What's this?

Michelle: Notecards. We're all going to brainstorm and help Jason have the best jokes for tonight's show.

Midgel: But why should we do all the work?

Michelle: Because he's in a tight spot and we should help him out. After all, friends are kind to each other, right?

Midgel: Oh, alright. What sort of jokes are we looking for?

Zidgel: Light bulb jokes!

Fidgel: I've always been partial to the knock-knock joke!

Kevin: Beans!

Sol: Alright, we got a good looking house out there tonight. Are you ready?

Jason: Absolutely! Tonight, I'm putting funny back in the fun!

Sol: Uh huh. Alright then. I'll go and introduce you.

Michelle: Hey, Jason!

Jason: (gasps) Hey! What are you guys doing here?

Midgel: Thought we'd wish you good luck, and give you these.

Michelle: These are jokes we came up with. If you get nervous out there you can use them.

Fidgel: The knock-knock section is quite hysterial.

Zidgel: And my light bulb jokes are sure to go over big!

Jason: Thanks, guys.

Sol: Once again, folks, all the way from Ms. Barnett's third grade classroom, it's Jason T. Conrad!

Jason: I gotta go! Thanks, guys!

Michelle: See? Now wasn't that worth it? He won't let us down.

Jason: How are you folks doing tonight?

Jason: Good! That's...that's great! Okay, let's get started, then.

Jason: Let's see here...um...how do you repair a broken jack-o'lantern? With a pumpkin patch.

Zidgel: (laughs) Brilliant!

Jason: Yeah, (laughs) a pumpkin patch. Knock, knock.

Audience: Who's there?

Jason: Owen.

Audience: Owen who?

Jason: Owen the saints, go marching in.

Zidgel: (laughs) Get it? Owen, like "Oh, when". (laughs)

Fidgel: Hmm, suddenly, the black hole doesn't seem so black.

Jason: Oh, yeah! And speaking of marching, I don't know if you noticed or not, but there are some people out there who really march to the beat of a different drum, you know what I mean?

Audience: (laughs)

Jason: Like my friend Kevin! He loves to eat that gross cereal, Fishy Marshmallows. Yuck! In fact, his breath is so bad that every time he burps, his teeth yell, "Duck!"

Michelle: What's he doing?

Midgel: Oh, it's okay. Kevin can take some good natured ribbing. Right, Kev?

Jason: Oh, yeah! And every time Kevin yawns, the cats, they come a'running!

Audience: (laughs)

Jason: But wait, he's not the only one! You know how cool Midgel is, right? Well, guess what kind of music he really likes?

Midgel: (spits out drink and gasps)

Jason: Barry Liteweight!

Audience: (laughs)

Jason: Hey, what's the difference between a wounded hippo and Barry Liteweight? Huh, beats me! (laughs)

Zidgel: Boy he gotcha there, Midge!

Jason: And next time you see Captain Zidgel, ask him about his invisible friend, Mr. Waddlebottom!

Zidgel: Now that's crossing the line, mister!

Jason: Hey, let me teach you a song that my sister sings when she's feeling scared.

Michelle: Oh, no. He wouldn't. He couldn't.

Jason: Get a load of this! Fluffy cats and candy canes. Think of sunshine when it rains. Soothing thoughts can ease your pains. Fluffy cats and candy canes.

Michelle: No!!!

Jason: Thanks, folks! Glad you enjoyed the show! No autographs please! Thank you!

Gordon Shtick: Mr. Conrad! Glad to make your acquaintance, sir. My name is Gordon Shtick. Yes, that's right, the Gordon Shtick! Talent agent supreme and I want to represent you.

Jason: Oh, man! Really?!

Gordon Shtick: You, my lad, are gonna peform at the Comedy Hole here in Sector Twelve. In one hour! What do you say, Jason baby?

Jason: Woah!

Jason: Greetings, crew! So, didja see me? Whatja think? I tell ya, I had 'em eating out of my hand!

Midgel: Yeah, and did you bother to notice what it was you were feeding them?

Jason: Um...comedy? Funny stuff? It was funny, wasn't it?

Midgel: You told them all of our private business, Jason! Just to make them laugh! Kevin's cereal. My little private...musical tastes.

Fidgel: And Michelle's song. The one we promised not to share.

Zidgel: Not to mention Mr. Waddlebottom. And he's not speaking to you either!

Jason: Oh, come on, guys! I thought you wanted me to be funny tonight! They're just silly little secrets! Nobody cares! Where's Michelle?

Midgel: She's locked herself in the closet.

Jason: Michelle? Are you mad at me too? You are mad at me, aren't you? Boy, I'm on the verge of living out a lifelong dream here, and all you can do is--

Michelle: Well, how would you like it if I told everybody about your secret?!

Jason: That's different!

Michelle: No, it's not and you know it.

Jason: Well, see you later, Michelle. After I'm a big hit at the Comedy Hole, no autographs please.

Jason: They just don't get it.

Gordon Shtick: Five minutes to curtain, Jason! Whoa! What's going on? (laughs) You sucking your thumb? Like a baby? (laughs)

Jason: It's not like that! It's just...a new joke for the act! Yeah!

Gordon Shtick: Yeah. That's a good one! Everybody will laugh when I tell them about that!

Jason: No! You can't!

Gordon Shtick: No? Why not?

Jason: Because...because...

Gordon Shtick: It's alright, kid. I understand. Everyone has their little secrets. I won't tell. I know how much that would hurt you.

Jason: And friends don't hurt each other, do they?

Gordon Shtick: That's right. Alright then! Knock 'em dead, kiddo! I'll see you after the show.

Gordon Shtick: Now, give it up, ladies and gentlemen, for an up and coming comic, the kind of third grade comedy, Jason T. Conrad!

Midgel: So, why exactly are we watching this?

Michelle: I don't know, somehow I still hope he does well.

Jason: Ahem, hello, ladies and gentlemen! Um, before we get started tonight, I have a confession to make. See, when I was a little kid, I had a blanket. I took it everywhere and couldn't even get to sleep without it. And uh, when I went to school, my mommy, mom, I mean, trimmed it down small. Like this. My blanky.

Audience: (laughs softly)

Jason: I know. It's pretty silly. I even...I even sometimes...when I get sad, I hold my blanky and suck my thumb.

Audience: (laughs softly)

Jason: My blanky's just nice to have around when my friends are far away. I humiliated my real friends the other night doing this comedy thing, and I shouldn't have told secrets that just embarrassed them. If you guys are watching tonight, Zidgel, Kevin, Midgel, and especially Michelle, I just want to say that, I'm sorry.

Jason: But enough of that! You guys came here to laugh, didn't you? Well, buckle up, sippy cup, because here we go! Two kangaroos were talking to each other and one said, "I hope it doesn't rain today, I just hate it when the kids have to play inside."

Audience: (laughs)

Jason: Did you hear about the cat that swallowed a ball of yarn. A few months later, she had a litter of mittens!

Audience: (laughs)

Jason: Why is an elephant big, gray, and wrinkled? Because if he was small, white, and round, he'd be a baseball!

Audience: (laughs quietly)

Jason: Whoo! Not so good. Ah! Here we go, knock, knock!

Audience: Who's there?

Jason: Eskimo Christians.

Audience: Eskimo Christians who?

Jason: Eskimo Christians, I'll tell you no lies!

Audience: (laughs)

Rest of Rockhopper crew: (laughs)

Midgel: Love the Eskimo Christians joke! That one was mine!

Michelle: I guess Jason finally got his act together.

Rest of Rockhopper crew: (laughs)

Jason: I'm really sorry, everyone. I should have known how hurtful I was being.

Michelle: We forgive you, Jason.

Zidgel: Hey, Jason, I'm working on a new joke for you. How many light bulbs does it take to change a penguin?

Jason: I don't know.

Zidgel: Well, that's as far as I've gotten. Okay, here's another, knock, knock!

Jason: Who's there?

Zidgel: Um, I'm still working on that one, too.

Jason: What's that?

Michelle: Grandmum must be listening to something.

Grandmum: Oh, I didn't see you there.

Michelle: What are you doing, Grandmum?

Grandmum: Well, remember when I told you I had a secret? This is it. I dance with a broomstick to old tunes.

Jason: Why?

Grandmum: Well, your granddad and I used to dance every Saturday night. And I miss him. So, I dance with the only partner I have.

Michelle: At least a broomstick won't step on your feet.

Grandmum: Oh, Granddad was a wonderful dancer. But don't tell anyone about the broomstick. It's our secret, okay?

Michelle: Sure, Grandmum, our secret.

Grandmum: You know what the old proverb says. "He who goes about a talebearer will reveal secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals the matter."

Jason: I know what that means. When a friend tells you something private, you should show you're a true friend by keeping it private.

Grandmum: That's right, cupcake. Come on, dance with me.

Jason: I don't know how.

Grandmum: Just move your feet to the music, sweetpea.

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