Big Idea Wiki

This is the transcript for Coach Ichabeezer.


(Scene opens to Junior hitting the ball, which sends it flying.)

Larry: Atta boy, Junior! Knock that ball into last Taco Tuesday!

(Junior runs the bases, before Jimmy is heard announcing.)

Jimmy: What a game! The Cobs are on their way to becoming this season's House champions!

(Cut to Mayor Archibald and Ichabeezer sitting in the bleachers down below, when Ichabeezer suddenly jumps up in pain.)

Ichabeezer: Yowie!

Archibald: That's the spirit, Ichabeezer!

Ichabeezer: I wasn't cheering, I was crying in pain. These bleachers are rough on the backside!

(Laura is next up to bat. The ball is thrown at Laura, but she misses.)

Broccoli Umpire: Strike one!

(Larry and everyone else stares in anticipation, before the carrot pitcher throws the ball at Laura again. This time, Laura is able to hit the ball, before she starts to run the bases.)

Larry: Go, Laura! Run like a wild Scallion!

(Laura runs the bases before reaching home plate. The score now reads 4 to 6. A bespectacled pea is next up to bat but looks rather nervous about it.)

Bespectacled Pea: Oh, I gotta do this.

(The carrot pitcher throws the ball at the pea, but when he tries to hit it, he misses and ends up spinning three times.)

Broccoli Umpire: Strike one! Strike two! Strike three! You're out! That's the game!

Ichabeezer: This kid's terrible! Maybe you should go back to Little League!

Archibald: Ichabeezer, this is Little League!

(Larry meets up with the pea.)

Larry: What's wrong, Farley?

Farley: Oh, I didn't hit the ball again! Sometimes I feel like everyone is right about me.

Larry: That you're a great kid?

Farley: (sadly) I'll never be good at baseball!

Larry: Farley, don't let other people tell you who you can or cannot be. God made you special, that's all you need to know about yourself.

(Farley brightens up after that.)

Farley: Okay, Coach Larry.

Jimmy: And the Cobs lose again!

Larry: Do you know that smell? It's the smell of us going out for ice cream!

All: Yay! Ice cream!

(Everyone leaves the stadium, but Mayor Archibald and Ichabeezer stay behind.)

Ichabeezer: Ow! These bleachers!

Archibald: Funny you should mention that. The town baseball fund is running low. We need to buy new stuff to keep Veggie Stadium from falling apart.

Ichabeezer: You want me to just pony up some cash so these little hooligans can play whack-a-doodle?

Archibald: The Cobs may have a chance at the House Championship! Wouldn't it be worth investing your money to be a part of that?

Ichabeezer: House Champions? Ooh! That gives me an idea! (chuckles)

(Scene switches to Pa Grape's store, before cutting to inside, where the Cobs are having ice cream.)

Larry: Good game, Cobs! They said it was impossible for us to win, but I say, "Impossible is only 'possible' spelled wrong"! Of course, so is 'donkey' and 'pumpkin'. Go Cobs!

(Mayor Archibald enters the store.)

Archibald: I have an exciting announcement! The new member will be joining the team!

Larry: Please be someone good!

Archibald: Ichabeezer is joining the Cobs!

Larry: Uh-oh!

(Ichabeezer enters the store.)

Ichabeezer: That's right!

Archibald: Ichabeezer is putting money into the town baseball fund.

Larry: Yay! New cleats!

Ichabeezer: Let's play ball!

(Scene switches to the entire team now on the baseball field again.)

Larry: Cobs, I hope you checked your eagles at the door when you came to tonight's practice. I got no tolerance for big eagles on the field! Let's hit that field as a team! And don't be afraid to get those new unicorns dirty!

Ichabeezer: (groans) Can we play ball already? I'm not here to get pep-talked to death!

Larry: (blows whistle) Let's practice practicing!

(Ichabeezer is up to bat, as the corn pitcher throws the ball at him, but he misses.)

Larry: Strike two! Strike three! Next!

Ichabeezer: Next nothing! Keep 'em coming!

(Ichabeezer bumps the pitcher out of the way.)

Ichabeezer: Full contact! (laughing)

Corn Pitcher: Hey!

(Junior hits the ball as it soars through the air towards Ichabeezer as he jumps up to catch it, but misses it, landing on another corn kid.)

Larry: Strike eleven! Strike twelve! Strike thirteen!

Farley: I got it!

(The ball flies towards Farley, but Ichabeezer bumps him out of the way.)

Ichabeezer: Excuse me!

Farley: Hey!

(The ball lands behind Ichabeezer.)

Ichabeezer: Aw! Now look what you made me do!

(Ichabeezer tries to hit the ball again, but keeps missing again and again, at the same time that the other team players are now asleep on the bleachers.)

Larry: Strike 5:37. Strike 5:38.

Farley: It's past my bedtime! Can we go home now?

(Scene switches to the next morning, before cutting to Veggie Stadium again.)

Jimmy: The Cobs have tied the game up! And what's this? Coach Larry is giving one of his pep talks!

Larry: We're tied, so it's still anybody's game! It could be Steve's game, or your aunt's, maybe even a frog's! My point is, I forgot.

Broccoli Umpire: Batter up!

Ichabeezer: Excuse me! Step aside, Farley!

Farley: But it's my turn!

Larry: We bat an order of number! Everybody bats, no skipping!

Ichabeezer: Oh, come on! We all know Farley is gonna strike out!

(Farley becomes saddened.)

Ichabeezer: Kid, if you care at all about this team, you'll quit!

(Farley sadly drops his bat, before Junior approaches him.)

Junior: Don't listen to him, Farley!

Farley: It's okay, he's right. I'll just make us lose anyway.

(Farley goes to leave.)

Larry: That was not nice, Ichabeezer.

(Larry goes to get Farley back.)

Ichabeezer: We've got a game to win! Get back here and coach this team!

Larry: First, I've gotta keep the team together!

(Larry catches up with Farley.)

Larry: We all want you back in this game, Farley. Besides, baseball loves comebacks!

Farley: I don't wanna strike out anymore!

Larry: Have you seen Ichabeezer play?

(Scene switches to Ichabeezer missing the ball once again.)

Broccoli Umpire: Strike three!

Carrot Catcher: Yay! I mean, aw!

(Ichabeezer starts yelling angrily about missing the ball again.)

Jerry: Cobs lose again!

Ichabeezer: (angrily) Larry! Where is he?

(Larry returns to the field, before meeting up with Ichabeezer.)

Ichabeezer: Oh, there you are. This team lost because you are a terrible coach!

Larry: I may not be the best coach in the world, but I always give 110 percent.

Ichabeezer: Yeah, well that's 110 percent too little! You're fired!

Larry: You can't fire me!

Ichabeezer: Sorry, un-Coach Larry, I own this team! So, I am hiring a real coach! Me! Anyone who doesn't like it, you're fired too!

(The Cobs are shocked when Ichabeezer says this. Scene switches to the next game.)

Jimmy: Welcome to the final game of the House Championship!

Jerry: Baseball!

Jimmy: We have a capacity crowd!

Jerry: Breaking fire code!

Jimmy: As the Cobs take on the Peach Pit Vipers in this mega-great game!

(Scene switches to Bob and Larry's house, where Bob is watching the game on TV.)

Jimmy: (On TV) This could be a historic day for the Cobs!

Jerry: (On TV) Where are they?

(Larry peeks out from behind his chair.)

Larry: Where are they?

(Scene switches to an empty bench as the sound of crickets chirping is heard. Ichabeezer is seen pacing back and forth after that.)

Carrot Pitcher: Where's your team, dude?

Ichabeezer: It appears that I am the team! Let's play ball!

(The carrot players can only shrug after that. The carrot pitcher throws the ball at Ichabeezer, but he misses it.)

Broccoli Umpire: Strike one!

(Ichabeezer misses the ball a second time.)

Broccoli Umpire: Strike two!

(Ichabeezer misses a third time.)

Broccoli Umpire: Strike three!

(Cut to a montage of Ichabeezer missing again and again.)

Broccoli Umpire: Strike one! Strike two! Strike three! You're out! Strike one! Strike two! Strike three! You're out!

(Scene switches to Ichabeezer now on the pitcher's mound. Ichabeezer throws the ball, but it only lands a foot in front of him, while the Broccoli Umpire and the Carrot Pitcher can only stare at him. When Ichabeezer finally throws the ball, it gets hit so hard that it rockets right at him as he quickly ducks down to dodge it. The ball suddenly bounces off the wall and hits him in the back of the head. Scene switches to back at Bob and Larry's house.)

Jimmy: (On TV) Jerry, since when did the Cobs just become one grumpy old guy?

Larry: (angrily, at the TV) Since he canned the most amazing team ever!

(The doorbell rings as Larry answers it, finding the whole team at the door.)

Junior: There's only one coach for us, Coach Larry.

(Larry is happy when Junior says this. Scene switches to back on the field, as Ichabeezer misses the ball once again.)

Ichabeezer: (groans)

Broccoli Umpire: Strike three again! Definitely out for the hundredth time! The game is over!

Ichabeezer: (growling) No, it's not over! If you end the game, you're fired!

Broccoli Umpire: I'm a volunteer. Game over.

Carrot Catcher: We just won the easiest championship game in history! Thanks, Ichabeezer! (laughing)

(Scene switches to Bob, Larry, and the entire team watching the game on TV.)

Jimmy: (On TV) What a strange game!

Jerry: (On TV) Unorthodox!

Jimmy: (On TV) The Cobs have lost the House Championship!

(Larry turns off the TV.)

Larry: You know what I say to that, team? Let's get some ice cream!

Kids: Yeah! Good idea! Yay!

(Larry and the kids leave the house, causing Bob to get spun around and fall off his chair. Scene switches to Pa Grape's store, before cutting to the inside, where everyone is having ice cream. Pa Grape approaches Larry who is looking sad.)

Larry: We were so close to winning that Championship, until Ichabeezer came along.

Pa Grape: Larry, did I ever tell you that Ichabeezer and I were on the same Little League team as kids? They called him 'Miss-abeezer', 'cause he couldn't hit the ball!

(A flashback starts up, showing young Ichabeezer up to bat.)

Corn Boy #1: Uh-oh! Miss-abeezer's up! He's gonna make us lose the Championship!

Corn Boy #2: If you care at all about this team, you'll quit now!

Pa Grape: (V.O.) We almost made House Champions that year too!

(Young Ichabeezer misses the ball when it's thrown at him.)

Pa Grape: (V.O.) Ichabeezer struck out, we lost and, well, the rest is history.

(The flashback ends.)

Larry: He was hoping to win the Championship this time to prove everybody wrong!

(Scene switches to the field at night, where Ichabeezer is trying to hit the ball after throwing it into the air, but misses it.)

Ichabeezer: (groans)

(Ichabeezer throws his bat out in front of him then falls backwards onto his back. Scene switches to the next morning, where Farley comes to the field, where Ichabeezer is asleep on the field.)

Farley: Mr. Ichabeezer?

Ichabeezer: (waking up) What? Oh! Oh! Where am I?

Farley: Sleeping on home plate.

Ichabeezer: Rough night.

Farley: It's not a big deal, you know. Missing the ball, losing the House Championship. I know it feels like it is. Feels like you're just not good enough, but it's not true. Hitting home runs and winning games isn't what makes you special.

Ichabeezer: It's not?

Farley: No, God made you special, Ichabeezer. He loves you very much. Hitting a ball doesn't have anything to do with that.

(Ichabeezer is touched by Farley's words.)

Ichabeezer: Thanks, kid.

(Scene switches to Bob and Larry's house as the doorbell rings, Larry answering it to find Ichabeezer and Farley at the door.)

Larry: Ichabeezer? I have to get another job before you can fire me again.

Ichabeezer: Yeah, about that. I'm, uh, sorry for all those things I said and did. Forgive me?

Larry: Sure!

Ichabeezer: I'm here to ask you to be my coach.

Farley: We're getting the team back!

Larry: Back from whom?

Ichabeezer: You just call the Cobs up and tell them to get out to the green!

(Ichabeezer puts Larry's coach hat back on his head again.)

Ichabeezer: We're gonna practice for a rematch!

Larry: But the Peach Pit Vipers would never agree to a rematch!

Ichabeezer: They would if I bought them a new baseball field.

Larry: (gasps) You didn't!

Ichabeezer: Let's play ball!

(Larry, Ichabeezer, and Farley throw their baseball caps in the air in triumph. Scene switches to back at Veggie Stadium, with Jimmy and Jerry at the top of the new bleachers.)

Jimmy: It's been a whirlwind of a season for the Cobs as they prepare for a rematch to win House Champions!

Jerry: And stuff!

(Camera pans down to show Archibald sitting in one of the new bleachers.)

Archibald: These new bleachers are sit-tastic! Go team!

(The carrot pitcher throws the ball at the corn girl, who hits it, before she makes a run. Camera zooms in on Larry as music starts to play.)

Larry: (singing) When someone says

I'll never win

I will not listen to them

All: (singing) God made me special

Larry: (singing) And so I'm special

Some think I'll never hit the ball

But I'll surprise them all

All: (singing) Because I'm special

Larry: (singing) God made me special

He gives me strength within

And though I don't always win

For less than the best

I'll never settle

Before we were even born,

In God's image we were formed

All: (singing) That's why we're special

Larry: (singing) God made us special

Everybody sing!

All: (singing) La la la la la

La la la la la la la

God made us special

Larry: (singing) Each and every one of us

All: (singing) La la la la la

La la la la la la la

God made us special

Larry: (singing) Yes, he loves us all

All: (singing) La la la la la

La la la la la la la

God made us special

Larry: (singing) We're special 'cause

He hears our prayers

All: (singing) La la la la la

La la la la la la la

God made us special

(The song ends, before it is now Farley's turn up to bat.)

Ichabeezer: No matter what happens, Farley, remember, God made you special.

(Farley feels proud from hearing Ichabeezer's kind words. The ball is thrown at Farley as he hits it, as the screen goes dark and the words "The End!" appear, while the sound of a crowd cheering is heard, before the screen goes dark, ending the episode.)