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Between an Asteroid and a Hard Place

This is the episode transcript for Between an Asteroid and a Hard Place.


(The episode opens with Michelle about to eat a brownie.)

Jason: (impersonating Grandmum) Michelle, love, is this your doll here in the rubbish bin?

Michelle: What? Miss Pretty Pretty is in the garbage?!

(Michelle runs to the kitchen to check. While this happens, Jason comes out from behind a chair, takes the brownie and eats it.)

Michelle: Grandmum?

(Michelle sees she's been tricked. Her doll isn't in the rubbish bin after all.)

Grandmum: Oh, hello, luv, what's that you're munching?

Michelle: My brownie! Jason!

Jason: What?

Michelle: I made that myself!

Jason: It's delicious, thank you. (laughs)

Michelle: Ugh! Just you wait, I'll get you back if it's the last thing I do!

Grandmum: Oh, revenge, tastes sweet going down, but turns bitter in the stomach.

Michelle: You don't understand. He's always tricking me. I'm gonna pay him back!

Grandmum: It's alright to upset when someone hurts you, but you shouldn't hold on to your anger. You remember what the Good Book says?

Michelle: Yes! Well, which part?

Grandmum: I was thinking about the verse, "Do not say, 'I'll pay that man back for what he did'. If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat. If he is thirsty, give him water to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head, and the Lord will reward you."

Michelle: Well, I like the burning coals part.

Grandmum: (laughs) Oh, not real coals of course, dearie. That part means that if you're nice in return, it will make them feel bad about what they've done.

Michelle: Then what's the point?

Grandmum: The point is, we shouldn't try to get back at people even if they've hurt us. The better thing to do is to continue being kind to them, especially if they're in need. That will be punishment enough for them.

Michelle: Still doesn't get my brownie back.

Grandmum: Don't worry, sweetkins, I'm making my special persimmon nut crunch dandies this afternoon.

(Michelle goes upstairs to confront Jason.)

Michelle: That was a mean trick, Jason T. Conrad. I'm going to--

(Jason holds the ship up to his ear.)

Jason: Shhh. They're calling, sounds like a mission.

Michelle: Really? What is it?

Jason: We're going to go look for...your brain! (laughs)

(As Michelle chases Jason up the stairs to the attic, the Rockhopper roars to life, and Fidgel brings them both aboard.)

Jason: Woah!

Michelle: Woah!

(After the opening theme, we see Zidgel spinning in his seat.)

Zidgel: Woah! (He sees the kids watching him.) Oh, I suppose you're wondering what this is all about.

Jason: Kinda, yeah.

Zidgel: Well, so far, I've been able to set a record of 87 spins in one minute!

Midgel: The mission, Captain, the mission?

Zidgel: (clears throat) Yes, well, uh, Cavitus has been seen in our sector, and word has it that he's once again after our--what's it called again?

Fidgel: A galeezel.

Zidgel: Right. So we're gonna use this "galeezel" to lure him to us and capture him.

Jason: But you said he helped invent it. Can't he just make his own?

Fidgel: Actually, he only helped develop the key component. This. The metric magnetic matter disperser. Or MMMD for short, and just for safety, we'd like you to hang on to this.

(He hands the galeezel to Michelle.)

Michelle: Well, until we find him, may I be excused? You see, I'm kind of on a mission of my own.

Zidgel: Going to make some of your delicious brownies? Right-o! Off with you! Little miss cadet.

Jason: Just keep a better eye on them when you're done this time! (laughs) Um, Captain, I've got a little recon mission. Mind if I--?

Zidgel: Sounds important. You'd better hop to it!

(Segue to Michelle looking under her bed. She then puts various items in her backpack.)

Michelle: Trick me, will he? I'll pay him back for what he did. Water, juice, squirt cheese, and chocolate sauce. When I'm done, Jason will know the wrath of Michelle. Brownies will just have to wait.

(Jason is shown getting in an escape pod. Michelle sees another one and gets in it.)

Michelle: The minute he walks by, whammo, Jason's gonna get it good.

(Segue back to Zidgel spinning in his chair.)

Zidgel: Woah!

Midgel: Time!

Fidgel: Just two onto your record, sir.

Zidgel: I won't rest until I break eighty--seven! (The ship shakes.) Woah! It still feels like the room is spinning.

Midgel: We're under attack, Cap'n!

Zidgel: When did we get the new screens? I didn't authorize that.

Midgel: It's Baron von Cavitus!

Zidgel: He authorized new screens? How is that possible?

Fidgel: We're under attack by the Baron!

Zidgel: And after he gave us new screens! Of all the lowdown--

Midgel: Oh, taking evasive action!

Zidgel: Good idea!

(Midgel accelerates the ship.)

Cavitus: Prepare to fire the supersonic glue gun!

(The minions activate said weapon and take aim.)

Cavitus: When I am done, I will have your galeezel and finally become huge!

Fidgel: Oh, just as I feared! There's no time to waste! Cavitus has perfected his supersonic glue gun!

Zidgel: Quick, everybody, get out your craft supplies.

Fidgel: Cross your flippers, everyone, and hope this works!

(Fidge presses a button which activates a glue-proof shield. When Cavitus fires, the glue bounces off the shield and hits his ship.)

Midgel: Fidgel, you're a genius! How did you know how to counteract the Baron's weapon?

Fidgel: Elementary, really. I just remembered the ancient writings. (clears throat) "I'm rubber, you're glue. Whatever you throw bounces off me and sticks to you."

Midgel: Shall we pursue, Captain?

Zidgel: Whatever for? He's dangerous.

Fidgel: Uh, well, we got him right where we want him, and it's our mission. Remember?

Zidgel: (clears throat) Of course it is. Fidgel, prepare to board that ship!

(Meanwhile, in the escape pod bay, Michelle is still waiting for Jason to show up.)

Michelle: Where is he? I've been waiting in here forever!

(Jason is still waiting in his escape pod. He says practically the same thing Michelle said, but for some reason, she doesn't hear him.)

Jason: Where is she? I've been waiting in here forever.

(Segue to Cavitus' ship as it flies through meteors.)

Minion #1: Uh, Mr. Baron, sir? We may have the teensiest little problem.

Cavitus: What is it, Number One?

Minion #1: Uh, why don't you tell him, Number Two?

Minion #2: Oh, no! Last time I brought bad news to the Baron, he shrunk my underwear three sizes too tight. You tell him.

Cavitus: Tell me what?!

Minion #1: Oh, well, you see, sir, not to upset you or anything, but the glue from our supersonic glue gun has jammed our engines.

Minion #2: Yeah, uh, and we're sort of heading directly into an asteroid belt.

Cavitus: Well, gentlemen, the pleasure has been all yours.

(Cavitus gets away in an escape pod.)

Minion #2: Uh, so, do we all get one of those?

Computer voice: Warning, impact with asteroid belt in 30 seconds.

Minion #2: (laughs nervously) Seriously, though, where's our escape pods?

(Of course, because the whole ship is covered in glue, Cavitus' escape pod is stuck.)

Cavitus: Let. Go! Must, escape! (It finally breaks free, but it heads for an asteroid.) Woah!!

(The escape pod crashes.)

Midgel: If I were a bettin' penguin, I'd lay down some serious carubles that the Baron's on that mini-cruiser.

Fidgel: As his ship is directly in harm's way, I would heartily concur.

Zidgel: Good! One less evil henchman in the galaxy!

Fidgel: Uh, (clears throat) again, Captain, our mission is to capture him.

Zidgel: Great space quarks! You're a genius, doctor! After him!

(The ship pushes Cavitus' disabled ship. Suddenly, a pop is heard.)

Fidgel: The shield is down! Retreat! Get us out of here!

Midgel: Well, not to gloat, but I think we finally got Baron von Cavitus where we want him.

Zidgel: Exactly! How so?

Fidgel: From all appearances, the Baron is trapped in that asteroid. Hmm, I suggest that we send a space probe in to investigate, and determine for sure that he is there.

Midgel: Brilliant! Hold his ship hostage if he won't cooperate. Firing Space Probe One.

(Midgel presses a button that closes the dome on Michelle's escape pod and prepares it for launch.)

Michelle: Hello? What's going on? Jason, this is not funny!

(The airlock opens. Michelle becomes more worried.)

Michelle: I'm really gonna get you now!

(The escape pod is launched.)

Michelle: (screams) Help me!

(The tiny ship crashes into several meteors. Finally, it comes across the one where Cavitus is stranded. As the ship nears the asteroid, it uses a drill to bore down into the center.)

Midgel: Alright, probe made it. As soon as it drills to the center, we'll make contact with Cavitus.

Fidgel: And demand that he give himself up once and for all.

Zidgel: Um, how do we get to him?

Midgel: We'll figure that part out later.

(Michelle's escape pod reaches the inside of the asteroid. Michelle sees Cavitus' escape pod.)

Michelle: Another ship?! I'm saved! (But upon close inspection, she sees who's inside.) The Baron von Cavitus! I'm doomed! (She presses a green button and gets in contact with her friends.) Guys?

Zidgel, Midgel, Fidgel, and Kevin: Michelle?!

Midgel: How did you get in there?

Michelle: I was hiding, trying to get back at Jason, but enough about that, help me!

Midgel: It's Baron von Cavitus.

Michelle: Get me out of here!

Fidgel: Of course! We can use the--

Michelle: You looking for this? (she shows the galeezel)

Fidgel: Oh, dear.

Michelle: Just come down and get me.

Fidgel: I'm afraid that's rather problematic, dear. You see, our shield is down and we can't get to you.

Michelle: Here's an idea, fix it! Fast!

Midgel: Don't worry, we will, but until then, law low. Whatever you do, don't let him know you're there.

(Cavitus has already spotted Michelle.)

Michelle: Too late.

Cavitus: Hmm, one of the humans, here? I shall make you one of my minions. (evil laughter) Woah!

(Suddenly, because the asteroid is highly magnetic, Cavitus gets stuck to the wall.)

Cavitus: Well, this is awkward.

Michelle: Guys, he's stuck against the wall of the asteroid!

Fidgel: Ha, the asteroid is most likely highly magnetized. What a stroke of luck! His metal armor will be held tight.

Midgel: Hang on, Michelle. We'll get you out of there.

Michelle: Do me a favor and hurry!

Midgel: There's no way we can get her out of there.

Zidgel: There's got to be! I know, use that galeezel thingamabober!

(Jason enters the scene.)

Jason: Hey, has anybody seen Michelle?

Midgel: I'm afraid she's trapped inside a magnetic asteroid with the Baron von Cavitus.

Jason: (laughs) Yeah, good one! Very funny! Michelle? Michelle? (the TV screen turns on. Jason sees his sister in trouble.) Michelle! Get her out of there!

Fidgel: We are working on it, Jason. First, we need to repair our shield. Kevin, what supplies do we have?

(Kevin shows a tire pump and a patch.)

Midgel: That little patch isn't gonna hold. We need something bigger.

(Kevin now has a bigger patch.)

Fidgel: Oh, now if we only had some sort of glue to hold the patch in place.

Midgel: Do you think our enemies would help us?

(The crew gets in contact with Cavitus' minions.)

Zidgel: Hello, abandoned crew. This is Captain Zidgel of the Federation. We come in peace.

Minion #2: Uh, piece of what, exactly?

Fidgel: Just peace, Captain.

Zidgel: Uh, evidently, just peace. You need to save the Baron, and we need to save a member of our crew. We can't do it separately, but if we work together, we can both win.

Minion #2: What do you think we are, dumb dumbs? The minute we help you, you'll attack.

Zidgel: No, we won't. I give you my word.

Minion #1: Your word's not good enough.

Zidgel: How about my word and, uh, a toaster? (He presents said appliance.)

(Segue to Cavitus still stuck on the asteroid wall.)

Michelle: Actually, this could be very interesting.

Cavitus: I shall soon free myself, and when I do, you shall feel the wrath of Baron von Cavitus! Revenge will be mine!

(Michelle starts snacking on the items she brought with her.)

Michelle: Uh-huh. What else you got?

Cavitus: I shall rule the known galaxies, and you will feel the heel of the boot of overwhelming defeat!

Michelle: Yeah, yeah, crushing defeat, got it.

(She tosses some rings onto his head.)

Cavitus: Stop that! I mean it, stop it!

Michelle: 10 points, your turn.

(Kevin is let out of the ship with the giant patch. During this, he dances for a few seconds. Eventually, he reaches Cavitus' ship. After putting the patch in front of the glue gun, he tells the minions to fire. And that's just what they do. After that, Kevin puts the patch on the hole in the shield. Segue to Michelle still on the asteroid.)

Fidgel: We've repaired our shield, Michelle! Hold fast! We'll save you before you know it!

Cavitus: (evil laughter) Save you? I hardly think so! (evil laughter) (coughs) Seriously, (coughs) I'm absolutely parched. Might I have a spot of water, and some of those chips?

Michelle: You're kidding, right? After the way you treated me?

(Bert opens the robot head, hops out and walks up to Michelle.)

Bert: Now, are you gonna give me what I want or do I have to bite you?

Michelle: (laughs) You're--you're adorable!

Bert: I am not!

Michelle: Yes, you are! (baby talk) You're the cutest widdle ting! Who's a cute widdle hamster? Who is it?

Bert: Enough! Just give me food and drink and leave me alone!

Michelle: Why should I give you anything? You've given my friends and me trouble for so long! I'm stuck on this asteroid because of you!

Bert: Oh, boo-hoo.

Michelle: Do you know what I'm missing back home? Grandmum's persimmon nut crunch dandies!

Bert: You should thank me for that.

Michelle: I happen to like her treats. And the cottage, and the attic. You're keeping all that from me. (sniffs)

Bert: And I'm a genius stuck in hamster's body. Life's not fair.

Michelle: You're a mean, evil little hamster! And you'll get nothing from me!

(Bert spots the snacks in Michelle's backpack. He tries to jump up to get his paws on them, but no dice.)

Bert: Feel my wrath, pitiful human! Feel the wrath of Baron--oh, I give up.

(Segue to the penguins still helping the minions.)

Midgel: Initiating docking procedures.

Zidgel: Good, good. And you evil henchmen are okay with this, right?

Minion #1: Oh, we could do with some toast, though.

Minion #2: Oh, oh, and just a spot of jam!

Midgel: Turning and backing up.

Fidgel: Docking in five seconds.

(The ship sticks into the glue and pulls the ship along with it. Segue to Michelle and Bert still on the asteroid.)

Michelle: Hey, I've got an idea. If you promise to give up being bad, I'll give you all the food and water you want.

Bert: Hmmph, I'd rather starve than help you. Be glad I don't blast you all into another galaxy!

Michelle: You're just mean.

Bert: I'm only mean because of the way I've been treated. I am mean so I can get revenge.

Michelle: Revenge? Grandmum said something about revenge. Hmm.

(In her head, Michelle hears what Grandmum said earlier.)

Grandmum: If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat. If he is thirsty, give him water to drink.

(Michelle gives Bert her canteen and cookies. At first, Bert still refuses, but a second time he accepts. Cut to both ships going past the asteroids.)

Zidgel: Doh!

Fidgel: Oh!

Midgel: Hey!

Kevin: Whee!

(Both ships finally reach the asteroid where Michelle and Bert are stranded. Segue to Bert eating the snacks Michelle offered him.)

Bert: Well, I suppose it's always been about my size. The other geniuses made fun of me.

Michelle: Even Dr. Fidgel?

Bert: Well, no, not Fidge.

Michelle: Don't you ever want to stop being evil and just have a friend?

Bert: I don't need friends.

Michelle: Someone to have a picnic with? Play ring-toss?

Bert: I said no!

Michelle: I think that's sad, because what good is taking over the known galaxy if you don't have anyone to share it with?

Bert: Well, someday, when all this is over, would you consider maybe, uh, if you're not too busy, having another picnic with me?

Michelle: Of course I would! And I could bring dessert! I make a mean brownie. Are you smiling?

Bert: No!

Michelle: Okay, if you say so.

Bert: Listen, I'm still evil, but if you'd like, I could be a friend.

Michelle: You would? You will?! That's fantastic!

(She picks up Bert.)

Bert: Stop that! Stop that now!

Michelle: Thank you, Mr. Baron von Cavitus.

Bert: Oh, uh, you can call me Bert.

Michelle: Thank you, Bert. I've done better than capture you. I befriended you!

Bert: I'm still a bad guy!

Michelle: Yes, you are! Who's the bad widdle dictator? You are! Yes, you are!

Bert: (laughs) Enough!

(Eventually, both ships land on the asteroid. The Rockhopper uses a giant pair of scissors to cut itself free.)

Bert: Is that your probe?

(As Michelle puts on her backpack, Bert sees the galeezel.)

Michelle: What's happening?

(Bert decides to not go after the galeezel and instead back to his robot suit. Eventually, Michelle makes it back to the Rockhopper. After hugging each crew member, she talks to Jason.)

Michelle: Oh, Jason, I'm so sorry I tried to get revenge on you. I let my anger get the better of me, and it just got me into more trouble.

Jason: I'm sorry I was mean to you in the first place. I won't ever do it again.

Michelle: Oh, forget about it. Fidgel, Bert's agreed to be friends!

Midgel: Amazing! So, we don't need to capture him!

Fidgel: Let's get him on the communicator, post haste.

(She gets in contact with her "friend.")

Michelle: Bert, it's me! I just told everyone how kind you are, and about you being friends with us!

Cavitus: Pitiful human, do you not know that I, the Baron von Cavitus, have no friends? I wasn't kind! You were!

Michelle: Bert?

Cavitus: You'll never, ever capture me! Goodbye, penguins. Out of respect for saving my ship and crew, I won't blow you into another galaxy, this time. (evil laughter)

(Cavitus' ship breaks free from the glue and flies away.)

Midgel: Hey, cheer up, Michelle, we'll get Cavitus. Someday.

Fidgel: At least you managed to keep the galeezel away from him.

(Cut back to Cavitus' ship as Cavitus thinks about what happened.)

Minion #1: So, Baron, do you think we should go back and attack the Rockhopper?

Minion #2: Yeah, after all, they are your sworn enemies!

Cavitus: Yes, certainly, but not today. Hmm.

(Cavitus throws a ring onto a lever and turns off his tv. Fade back to Grandmum's cottage as Michelle is quite disappointed that her act of kindness didn't change Cavitus.)

Jason: You okay?

Michelle: I just thought Bert, I mean, the Baron, had changed.

Jason: Who knows? Maybe he did.

Michelle: But Grandmum was right. It's okay to be upset with someone who was being mean to you, but seeking revenge doesn't solve anything.

Jason: But I'm proud of you. You were kind even when it was difficult. To Bert, and to me.

Michelle: It's better to be kind no matter what, and not hold on to your anger. Besides, revenge isn't really so sweet after all.

Grandmum: Right you are about that. Now, are you muffins ready for something that is sweet?

Michelle: Yes, ma'am!

Jason: You bet!

Grandmum: Well, dig into my persimmon nut crunch dandies! Only one, mind you. I don't want you to spoil your appetites!

(End of transcript.)